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Movie Parodies: South Park Style	By : Kingcobra Category: +S through Z > South Park Views: 4723 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 11
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SOUTH PARK: SMALLER, SHORTER, AND HEAVILY EDITED
WARNING: The usual shit. Beware.
SONG DISCLAIMER: Any songs in this chapter are parodies of some of the songs in the movie and the songs that are parodied do not belong to me.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Not much to say here. Just three little things.
1. This is a songfic with parodies of my favorite tunes from the film. Some of the lyrics contained within may be found to be offensive, depending on what your beliefs are. This fic is DEFINITELY not for religious people. So, if any of you are religious and read this chapter, regardless of the content and my warnings, then DON'T GIVE ME ANY FLAMES FOR IT!! Getting P'O'ed at this material would be your own faults for reading it after I had already warned you, so don't blame me. Also, this fic rips BIG-TIME on Gregory, so all you Gregory fans probably should not be reading this either.
2. This will be my longest chapter yet.
3. Please leave reviews. They are mucho appreciated. Thank you.
CAST
STAN
KYLE
CARTMAN
KENNY
KYLE'S MOM
WENDY
TERRENCE & PHILLIP
SATAN
SADDAM HUSSEIN
MR. MACKEY
THE MOLE
GREGORY
MR. GARRISON
TICKET-TAKER GUY
MAN
MAN'S WIFE
REPORTER
GIDGET, THE TACO BELL DOG
CROSS-DRESSING MIDGET DRESSED LIKE MADONNA
(South Park, Colorado, early morning. STAN MARSH is outside, singing.)
STAN: (singing to the tune of "Mountain Town".)
THERE'S A BUNCH OF UFOS IN THE SKY,
AND SOME SCUZZLEBUTT JUST LIMPING BY.
OH, CARTMAN'S ASS IS PURE AND WIDE
WITH HIS ANAL PROBE INSIDE.
IT'S A NORMAL SUNDAY MORNING IN MY ODD, STRANGE, FREAKY MOUNTAIN TOWN.
(Kenny's house. Stan knocks on the door, drawing the young boy out of his bed. Kenny puts on his orange hood, always keeping his face concealed.
KENNY: (Coming!)
(Suddenly, without warning, Kenny explodes into pieces.)
(Sidewalk. Stan and a now alive and fully healed Kenny walk down the street, heading somewhere. An airplane plummets out of nowhere, crushing a certain someone beneath it.)
STAN: (singing)
"MS Mincho"'>HE SEES HIS DEATH COMING EVERYWHERE.
GETTING SHOT, STABBED, CRUSHED, EVEN FLARED.
IT'S A SEA OF DEATH IN WHICH I'M GLAD NOT TO BE.
IT'S A NORMAL SUNDAY MORNING IN MY ODD, STRANGE, FREAKY MOUNTAIN TOWN.
(Kyle's House. Stan and Kenny (Yes, KENNY. If anyone of you readers is surprised, you obviously don't watch South Park) walks up to Kyle, standing on his front lawn.)
STAN: Let's go dude.
KYLE: Okay. (Starts to do so, but his mom interrupts him.)
KYLE'S MOM: Where the hell are you going, young man?! You have to pop that large blister on my left foot!!
STAN/KENNY: Gross, dude!! (That is fucking sick!)
(They leave. Movie Theater, later. Cartman is with them, and they are all singing together now.)
"MS Mincho"'>ALL: (singing)
OFF WE GO TO THE MOVIE SHOW
WHERE WE LEARN EVERYTHING THAT WE KNOW
CAUSE MOVIES TEACH US WHAT OUR PARENTS ARE TOO STUPID TO SAY.
(Close up on a marquee post reading "Terrence and Phillip: Asses Inspired.")
ALL: (cont'd)
FOR US THIS MOVIE'S GONNA BE WORTH A LOT,
CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO ADVANCE THE PLOT.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE GLAD TO BE LIVING (Kenny's head explodes.) AND DYING
IN OUR ODD, STRANGE, FREAKY, BIZARRE MOUNTAIN TOWN.
(end song)
STAN: (To ticket-taker guy.) Can we have 4 passes to the movie, please?
TICKET TAKER GUY: (to readers) Since they're all too young to be viewing the film inside, and since I'll get in trouble by all of their parents if I let them inside the theater, not to mention risking my job, I'm going to try to do the mature, responsible thing, though still coming off as being a slight asshole, and say "no!" in my own obnoxious, smartassed, special way. (to boys, in his own special way of being smartassed, both sarcastically, and obnoxiously.) NO!
CARTMAN: Catch this, hippie. (pulls a hand grenade out of his pocket, yanks the pin out, and throws it.)
TT GUY: (screams as he explodes into bloody scraps. The boys rush inside.)
(Inside Theater. The boys are reveling in the Terrence and Phillip movie, which is nothing more then an hour and a half worth of the two Canadians farting and telling fart jokes. Most of the older patrons leave in disgust.)
MAN: Why the hell did we even come to this movie anyway? Terrence and Phillip's TV show is popular enough in this town that we should've known better already.
HIS WIFE: For that matter, how did four young children sit in this theater without a guardian through almost the entire film and still avoid drawing any questioning attention to themselves from us adults?
(Kyle's house, hours later. All four are there, talking excitedly about the movie.)
KYLE: That movie kicked fucking ass, dude!
CARTMAN: Fuck, yeah, it fucking did, you Jewish fuckwit! (A/N: My apologies to any Jews who might be reading.)
STAN: Yeah, dude! Terrence and Phillip's new fucking movie was so fucking righteous!
(Kyle's mom walks by the room and hears this.)
KYLE'S MOM: (to Stan) What the hell did you just say?!
STAN: I said Terrence and Phillip fucking rocked --
KYLE'S MOM: YOU BOYS WILL NOT SEE THAT AWFUL TRASH AGAIN!! ESPECIALLY YOU, KYLE!!! AS FOR YOU OTHER THREE, I'M GOING TO CALL ALL YOUR MOTHERS AND TELL THEM ALOUT OUT YOUR LITTLE POTTY MOUTHS!!! MOVIES LIKE THAT GIVE YOU TOO MANY BAD WORDS TO USE!!!! (Storms out. The boys look at each other.)
KENNY: (What's the big fucking deal? It's not like we don't already fucking swear all the fucking time, anyways.)
CARTMAN: Fuck yeah.
(School. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are all there with various other secondary characters from their classroom, all present, in a large room. Mr. Mackey, the school guidance counselor, is also there, sitting on his stool. He begins to sing HORRIBLY.)
MR. MACKEY: (singing to the tune of "It's Easy, M'kay")
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU GET SCREWED IN
LIVING WITH CRACKWHORES AND BITCHY FAT WOMEN
AND WHEN THINGS START TO REALLY SUCK,
YOU KIDS SAY THINGS LIKE "ASS" AND "FUCK".
(While the singing is going on, Stan looks over and sees Wendy talking to some blonde dumbass, a brainy kid who goes by the name of GREGORY. Stan looks PISSED.)
MR. MACKEY: (attempting to sing)
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND YOUR LIVES LIVING IN THIS TRASH
LISTENING TO ME SING WITH A BRAIN OF HASH.
FOLLOW MY PLAN, THOUGH MY SINGING IS GAY.
THIS SONG'S PRETTY DOPEY, M'KAY.
ALL THE KIDS: (holding their ears, as blood flows between their fingers.) PLEASE STOP SINGING!!! WE GET THE POINT ALREADY!!
MR. MACKEY: (stops singing -- thank god.) M'kay. (But it's too late. The pain inflicted from Mr. Mackey's "song" is too much for poor Kenny and he bursts into flames.)
STAN: Oh, my god! Mr. Mackey's awful singing killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastard!
(Suddenly, everyone's moms burst into the room.)
KYLE'S MOM: DID YOU BOYS SEE THAT FILTHY FILM AGAIN?!
KYLE: Even if we had, how exactly would you know? It's not like we need the movie to make ourselves any more foul-mouthed then we already are.
KYLE'S MOM: (screeching like a dying cat.) JUST ANSWER ME, YOUNG MAN!!
(Kyle starts to say "no" when he is interrupted.)
o"'>
MR. MACKEY: No, these boys haven't seen that movie, M'kay. They've been here, listening to this song.
(He starts to sing it again, causing every other person in the room, including the adults, to start screaming.)
MR. MACKEY: (stops, puzzled.) M'kay?
(Hell. Kenny suddenly finds himself there, surrounded by fire pits and tortured souls, their anguished scrams filling the air. Demons roam the area.)
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> style='mso-tab-count:1'>
KENNY: (What the fuck am I doing in Disneyworld?!)
(Suddenly, Satan appears.)
SATAN: You're not in Disneyland! You're in hell, where you will spend an eternity in torment, forced to endure an endless bout of physical torture and gruesome pain! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
KENNY: (You mean, there's a difference?)
(Kyle's house, later. The other boys are watching the news on TV.)
REPORTER:... Despite local rumors, Hillary Clinton denies giving Howard Stern fellatio. In other news, Canadian comedic sensations, Terrence and Phillip, have been arrested. For more on this, here's a cross-dressing midget dressed like Madonna.
MIDGET: Thanks, Tom. This is unexpected, indeed. Terrence and Phillip were arrested this morning, following a PTA meeting in South Park, Colorado, which was orchestrated by Sheila Broflovski. Mrs. Broflovski was also the one to set in motion the plan to have the two silly Canadians captured. Far reaching news indeed, Tom.
(The boys stare at the screen, stunned beyond belief.)
STAN: Holy shit, dude!!
CARTMAN: Son of a bitch! Well, way to go, Kyle. Now your mom's on a PMS fit against Terrence and Phillip. Why'd she have to have them arrested?!
KYLE: I can't control what my mom does!
STAN: This sucks, dude. What if it's not over yet? My mom was babbling today about joining some war against Canada.
CARTMAN: Huh! Mine, too!
KYLE: (sighs) So was my mom.
STAN: Not only that, but the news said that Terrence and Phillip were gonna be executed.
KYLE: WHAT?!
STAN: Yeah, dude! The U.S. Military's holding a USO show, and, at the end of it, they're gonna be holding a target practice with Terrence and Phillip straight in the middle of it!
(Kyle's Mom enters the room.)
KYLE'S MOM: Oh, there you are, bubby! What are you doing?
KYLE: (clicks off the computer) Nothing, ma. Just homework.
as]>
KYLE'S MOM: That's nice, bubby. I've got a PTA meeting to get to. I'll be home later. (leaves.)
STAN: Isn't it weird that your mom would be so obsessed with shielding you from TV shows like Terrence and Phillip, but at the same time, never sets up a program to limit your activities on the Internet in order to keep you from, oh, say, doing things like setting up a resistance movement?!
KYLE: Yeah. That is odd. (Sighs) Goddamnit. What are we gonna do?
(Suddenly, Gregory appears from thin air out of nowhere.)
GREGORY: Don't worry. I am here to help.
STAN: Oh, goddamn it. Not this kid again.
KYLE: How the hell did you get in here? You didn't use the front door or anything.
GREGORY: Scotty beamed me down. Anyway, I have a solution to our dilemma. We have to rescue Terrence and Phillip.
STAN: (With much sarcasm) No. Really?
GREGORY: Yes. Really. (Pulls a card out of his shirt pocket and shoves it into Stan's hands.) Here's the address of someone who might be able to help.
STAN: (reads the card) "Thank you for subscribing to Hustler Magazine"?! What the hell is this?!
GREGORY: (looks nervous) Uh, nothing! (Grabs the card back and hands Stan a different card)
STAN: (reads it) The Mole, huh?
GREGORY: Yes. Viva La Resistance. We will save Terrence and Phillip because to kill them just to keep us shielded from their comedic routine would be considered censorship, and censorship is wrong.
WENDY: (Also appears out of nowhere.) Isn't Gregory the greatest? (Stan growls at this.)
STAN: (under breath, pissed) You goddamn stupid-ass pussy, Gregory.
(Hell. Kenny walks around, getting used to his new surroundings when he sees Satan and am Ham Hussein sitting on a bench nearby. The Iraqi dictator is trying to make out with Satan, but the prince of darkness is resisting.)
SATAN: Saddam! Goddamn it! Knock it off! Can't we just talk first?!
SADDAM: Less talk! More tongue! Now shut up, bitch!
(Satan breaks away and runs, Kenny following, leaving Saddam behind on the bench.)
AM: AM: Ay, get back here, guy!
(Satan stops fleeing a good distance away and starts sobbing. Kenny reaches him.)
KENNY: (Are you okay, dude?!)
ndifndif]>
SATAN: (tries to stop crying and puts on a brave front.) Oh, it's Saddam. All he wants is ass and nothing more. I don't know what to do.
KENNY: (For being a unnatural being of eternal evil, you sure are one giant pussy! Why the hell don't you just leave him, you big fucking wussy!)
SATAN: You're right. Maybe I should. >
(Saddam overhears this.)
SADDAM: Aw, S, yo, you know I love you, ya big lug! And, to prove it, I have a plan to take over the Earth! Those two Canadians are gonna be executed, and when they do, we can seize the opportunity to go to Earth and overthrow the planet, plunging it into a never-ending realm of misery and darkness!
SATAN: I love you, Saddam.
SADDAM: Now how about we go home and get it on?
SATAN: Okay! (Leaves)
KENNY: (Jesus Christ...)
(Kyle's house. Stan and Kyle are there, sitting in front of a computer.)
KYLE: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm gonna send out an email to every kid in the South Park directory to meet us at a warehouse so we can form a resistance group dedicated to the important things in life right now: Stopping the war on Canada, stopping our moms in their fight for censorship, saving Terrence and Phillip from being killed, and, also,
(Cartman's house, night. The fatass is lying in his bed, trying toeep,eep, when Kenny's ghost appears.)
CARTMAN: Holy shit!
KENNY: (Quiet, tubass. We've got a situation. If Terrence and Phillip die, Earth and everyone one on it is going to...)
CARTMAN: MAH! WE HAVE A POLTERGEIST!
KENNY: (Will you be quiet!? I need to talk to you!!)
CARTMAN: CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS, MAH!
KENNY: (Aw, to hell with you.) (Disappears.)
(Warehouse. Stan and Kyle are painting a banner which reads "La Resistance" when Cartman bursts in, agitated.)
STAN: What's wrong, Cartman? Did you see Kenny's spirit or something?
CARTMAN: (Frantic) No!! I'm upset because the grocery store's out of Cheezy Poofs!!! IT'S THE FIRST FUCKIN' SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE, YAH GUHS!!!! (He starts ranting about "How the end is near".)
STAN: Chill out, fatass.
< sty style='font-family:"Times New Roman";msreasreast-font-family: "MS Mincho"'>
CARTMAN: (stops freaking, looks pissed.) I AM NOT A FATASS, GODDAMMIT!! I'M THICKLY MUSCLED!!!
KYLE: (pokes Cartman's belly, which jiggles like a bowl of Jello.) Yeah, you're 'thickly muscled', all right.
CARTMAN: Eh, screw you, hippie!

(Cartman doesn't stop looking pissed, as the doorbell rings.)
KYLE: Uh, Stan? Since when did warehouses even have doorbells? And since this is the only warehouse probably on Earth to have a doorbell, wouldn't that make this place look a little suspicious?
STAN: Shut up, Kyle. We'll talk about logic later. (Answers the door.) Shit.
(Gregory, and Wendy, enters.)
STAN: (to Gregory) What the fuck do you want?
GREGORY: (ignores Stan, starts singing to the tune of "La Resistance")
GOD HAS GIVEN YOU THE MIDDLE FINGER THIS DAY
SENDING ME INTO YOUR LIVES FIRSTHAND.
AND MAY GOD BLESS THE CREN REN
BY KILLING ME OFF WITH THIS PLAN.
STAN: (whispers to Kyle) God, I hope so.
GREGORY: (sings like a dying cat.)
I SEE THE DISTANT FLAMES
TH'>THAT SHOULD BE KILLING ME TONIGHT.
I LIVE A LIFE OF SHAME
THAT WILL HOPEFULLY END TONIGHT.
AND WHEN I GET SHOT, AND CANNOT CARRY ON,
NO ONE WILL CARE AND ALL WILL LIVE ON.
I DESERVE TO GET MY DICK CUT OFF
AND FED TO A PIG.
THOUGH IT'LL HURT, I'LL LAUGH
BECAUSE I'M A DUMBASS WITH THE PERSONALITY OF A TWIG.
THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD GO.
I SHOULD GO TO WAR AND GET SHOT AT.
THOUGH I AM A MORON,
"MS Mincho"'>(End song)
(A piece of debris suddenly lands on Gregory's head, knocking him to the floor, his eyes tightly closed, a pool of blood forming around his head. The others cheer.)
STAN: Hooray! They killed Gregory!
KYLE: You... bastards... ? (Pause) Nah.
(Gregory suddenly lifts his head up, dazed and severely injured.)
GREGOH-heH-help me. Call 911.
STAN: God damn it!!!
"MS Mincho"'>(Mole's House, later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show up on the front door and ring the bell. The door opens, revealing a grungy, dirty-looking, brown-haired boy, THE MOLE, who, in my opinion, is a great one-shot character and way cooler that idiot Gregory.)
MOLE: Who ze hell are you?
KYLE: Hi, we're La Resistance. We formed for three reasons. One, to save Terrence and Phillip and stop our moms in their quest for demographic censorship. Two, to stop the world from ending. And Three, we're looking for someone to help us get rid of that fricking wanker, Gregory.
MOLE: I cannot help you. I'm grounded. (Pause) Let's go, zen. (Walks off screen, leaving the three boys to look at each other, confused.) Come on! (They shrug amongst themselves, and follow.)
(The USO Show. The troops are being entertained when Mole and the boys pop up out of the ground.)
STAN: Well, at l now now I know why they call you "Mole", what with the tunnel you dug barehandedly that led us here.
MOLE: Yes. One would think that an American event like zis would have better security. Ah well. (Snaps into "commando" mode) Stan, Kyle, get near ze stage. Stop zem from killing Terrence and Phillip. Cartman, go to ze electrical box and kill ze lights.
KYLE: And what would you do?
MOLE: I will watch, all the while pondering why, in every single yaoi fic that I appear in, I am always paired with you. (smirks) Not zat I am complaining. Merely wondering. (gets serious) Then, after I'm done with that, I will free Terrence and Phillip.
KYLE: K. Let's go.
MOLE: (smacks Kyle gently but firmly) Do not be stealing my lines, you American peeg!
KYLE: Sorry.
MOLE: You're forgiven. Let's go.
(Stage. Terrence and Phillip are tied down in a pair of electric chairs. Kyle's Mom walks around the stage like a psychopath.)
KYLE'S MOM: YOU TWO ARE SMUT AND FILTH!! BECAUSE OF YOUR INAPPROPRIATE TELEVISIONS ANTICS, THIS TOWN'S CHILDREN, AND POSSIBLY THE REST OF THE TRY'TRY'S CHILDREN, ARE NOW NOTHING MORE THEN FOUL-MOUTHED, IMMATURE BRATS WHO BRINGS NOTHING BUT SHAME TO OUR POOR FAMILIES!! FOR THIS, YOU TWO ARE DOOMED TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH IN THE CHAIR!!! WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY TO THIS???!!!??

TERRENCE: (farts, and laughs)
PHILLIP: (Ditto.)
KYLE'S MOM: Fry them! p>
MRRRISRRISON: Uh, I can't. The power's been shut off.
KYLE'S MOM: DAMN IT!
CARTMAN: Hahahaha! I saved Terrence and Phillip! Yes!
KYLE'S MOM: (menacing) Not yet you didn't, young man. (pulls a handgun out of nowhere and shoots the duo.p>

CARTMAN/STAN/KYLE/MOLE: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
KYLE'S MOM: NOW THERE IS NO ONE TO SPREAD THE SMUT INTO THE MINDS OF OUR YOUNG CHILDREN!!!
(Suddenly, a crack in the ground opens and Kenny, Satan and Saddam Hussein jump out.)
STAN/KYLE/CARTMAN: Ahhhhhh!!!! It's the end of the world!! Armageddon is here!! We're doomed!<>
MOLE: (disgruntled) Fuck this. I'm outta here. (Calmly turns to leave, when Gidget, the Taco Bell Dog, jumps on him.) AHHH!! SHEET! I HATE GUARD DOGS!!!! (Lands on his back, trying to shake the animal off.)
GIDGET: Yo quiero taco bell. (Rips his throat out.)
MOLE: Urgh... sheet... goodbye.... Agh... Jack Daniels... (Dies)
SATAN: Muawahahahahahahaha!!! YOU WILL ALL SERVE ME FOR ETERNITY NOW!!! THANKS TO CERTAIN PEOPLE, ALL OF YOUR SOULS NOW BELONG TO ME!!!!
"MS Mincho"'>
SADDAM HUSSEIN: And all of you, including you, Satan, belong to me!!!
SATAN: Saddam, don't get too cocky about this...
SADDAM: And, speaking of cock, turn around and bend over, bitch!
CARTMAN: Screw this. (Suddenly summons a electric bolt out of nowhere and fries Saddam's sorry ass.)
STAN/KYLE: Dude! Whoa, Cartman!
(They all watch as Cartman gets all DRAGON BALL Z on Saddam, in a way cool and ass-kicking scenario of electrical powers and Saddam screaming in pain.)
SADDAM: (to Satan) SAVE ME YOU PUSSY!!
(Satan gets pissed. He throws Saddam into the large crater and impales him on a jagged rock.)
SADDAM: Argh.... Red Bull... (Dies)
SATAN: (turns to Kenny) Thank you for giving me the strength to do that. As a reward, I shall grant you one wish.
STAN: WISH FOR GREGORY'S PAINFUL DEATH!!!
KYLE: WISH FOR MY MOM TO NOT BE SO SHORT-TEMPERED!!!
CARTMAN: WISH FOR ME TO HTEN TEN MILLION DOLLARS!!! (The other three give him dirty looks.) What?!
KENNY: (I wish that everyone who was killed in this town since the Terrence and Phillip came out were alive again and that everything goes back to normal.)
SATAN: Very well. See ya.
(He disappears, as does Kenny.)
STAN: Well, at least it's all over. Terrence and Phillip are alive, and we've averted the apocalypse.
WENDY: Not to mention that I'm still in love with you, Stan. (Kisses him, and he barfs.) Gregory is a douche bag, anyways. Fuck him. (Gregory looks pissed... during the two seconds that it takes for a plane to fall on him.)
STAN: I love you too, babe. (Wendy starts to reply, but spots Token walking by. She lets go of Stan, and rushes after him. Stan frowns deeply.) Babe?! (She's gone.) Wendy?!
KYLE: Don't feel too bad, dude. Token sucks ass just as much as Gregory. It won't be long before she'll go back to you.
STAN: I hope so.
"MS Mincho"'>
GREGORY: (to Kyle) HEY! I RESENT THAT--
(Gregory's words are cut off as he promptly explodes for no reason.)
STAN: OH MY GOD!! THEY KILLED GREGORY!!!
KYLE: Are they bastards???
STAN: HELL no!!
NEXT: Scooby Doo.
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Movie Parodies: South Park Style