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Losing Control	By : GabrielC Category: Transformers > G1 > AU/AR Views: 4253 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Transformer. I make no profit from writing this

Chapter List
- 11
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Solar Cycle – 1 day

Cycle – 1 hour

Stellar Cycle – 1 year

Astrosecond – 1 second

Deca-cycle – 2 weeks

Regret

“Jazz?” Prowl’s optics widened in surprise as the black and white mech entered the med bay shortly after Prime had left. He hadn’t spoken to Jazz since the video feed of his ordeal and he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive as Jazz met his optics guardedly.

Prowl averted his own optics, slipping from the berth, turning his back on Jazz’s slight frown. It made sense that he wasn’t to be trusted. Prowl suddenly felt the weight of guilt and shame pressing down on him as the images of Jazz’s apparent demise flashed through his cortex.

Jazz’s frown deepened when Prowl turned away from him. Was he to be shunned by both mechs he cared about now? The thought angered him somewhat. Without thinking he locked the med bay door his visor focused on the black and white mech before him. Prowl seemed different, the way he stood, how his door wings drooped, the way his head remained bowed. Jazz clenched his jaw, this wasn’t Prowl, other mechs may not notice but he noticed, he knew. His anger was bubbling up inside him. Tension thickening as neither mech spoke.

Jazz felt ready to burst and opened his mouth to speak when a small voice broke his concentration.

“It should have been me, I’m so sorry Jazz. I should never have sent you on that mission.”

The quiet, meek tone, the sadness, guilt knocked Jazz flat. Prowl wasn’t shunning him, he was blaming himself, so typically Prowl. The corner of Jazz’s mouth curled upwards in a fond smile.

Rushing across the med bay he took Prowl by the shoulders, spinning him round to face him. Pausing momentarily to give Prowl a warm smile, he pulled him into a fierce embrace, his head buried into Prowl’s shoulder, arms wrapping tightly around his waist, palms pressing against his back.

He let out a contented sigh as Prowl – recovering from his initial shock – returned the embrace. They simply held onto each other tightly for an unmeasured amount of time. Pulling away Jazz took Prowl’s face in his hands, he smiled once more. “Don’t you dare blame yourself Prowl. Don’t you dare.”

“But Jazz.”

“No! I won’t hear of it. You kept me alive Prowl. You’ve no idea how glad I am to see you again.” He pulled him into another embrace. “That I get t' hold you again.” He murmured into the crook of Prowl’s neck. “Oh I dreamed of holdin’ you Prowl. Just one more time. I swear you were right there with me, forcing me t' keep goin’.” Jazz pulled back.

Prowl opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Jazz could tell he was moved by his words.

“That being said Prowl.” Jazz backed off and pushed himself up to perch on the berth. “We have to talk.”

“About?”

Jazz dipped his head, his visor tilting gauging Prowl’s reaction. The former SIC suddenly appeared very tense, almost defensive. Jazz suspected this was not going to be very easy. “About everything Prowl. About us.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, you and me.”

“Jazz we’ve been through this.” Prowl’s tone was gentle yet guarded. He didn’t want to have this same argument again.

“No we haven’t. You’ve done all the talkin’, all the decidin’. Now yer going to listen to me and we’re not leaving this slaggin’ med bay ‘til you do.”

“Jazz do you really think now is an appropriate time?”

Jazz bowed his head uttering a soft noise of exasperation. “Prowl it’s always an inappropriate time for you.”

“That’s not true.”

“No?”

“No.”

Jazz pushed off the berth and took to pacing the med bay. “Ok, since we came to Earth, when have we ever talked about this, really talked? Whenever I’ve brought it up you try and change the subject or claim yer busy or the old favourite of mine. ‘It’s not an appropriate time Jazz.’”

“Trying to talk about personal issues while I’m working is not an appropriate time.” Prowl insisted quietly as Jazz continued his pacing.

“When are you not working!?” Jazz came to a stop, resting his palms against the berth, his back to Prowl. “In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if you hadn’t given us a second thought ever since you asked me to bond with you on Cybertron. Have you?” He turned to face Prowl who looked distinctly uncomfortable. “Did you ever really feel anything for me?”

“Jazz!”

“Did you?!”

“Yes!” Prowl scowled in offence. “How can you even ask me that?”

Jazz scoffed his annoyance building. “How can I? Prowl you keep making excuses to not talk about it, you push it aside like it never mattered to you. Primus I thought I’d lost you twice in the past three deca-cycles!” He shook his head in frustration.

“Having you push me away whenever I try to open up about it; is how I can ask you that.” His mouth pressed into a grim line as Prowl lowered his helm. “How do you honestly think that has made me feel all these stellar cycles?”

Prowl spun round his door panels flaring out in rarely seen anger. “Made you feel? How about how I felt!?" He was fuming at Jazz's audacity to lay the blame entirely on his shoulders.

"How I felt when you couldn’t answer me when I asked you to bond. How I felt when I thought you’d been killed, just to have you return and not say one word to me about how you felt! Nothing Jazz! How do you think all that made me feel?!” He clenched his jaw, gritting his denta together.

“So don’t you dare lecture me.”

Jazz trembled with barely repressed frustration and anger. “And what has been yer excuse for the last four million stellar cycles Prowl?! You too busy shutting yerself off to the point where nobody cares enough about you to want to get close to you?!”

Jazz’s intakes caught in his throat as he suddenly found himself backed against a wall, Prowl bearing down on him, looking far more intimidating than he’d ever seen.

“We. Are. At. War! I have a duty! We all do!” He leaned closer forcing Jazz’s helm to clang against the bulkhead. “I don’t give a slag what that makes any of them, think of me. I keep them alive by doing my job. And now I can’t even do that.”

“Is that all that’s important to you?” Jazz asked meekly.

“Burying myself in my work is preferable to sharing my berth with any mech who’ll have me in some twisted definition of fun!”

Jazz gawped at the snarl of Prowl’s words, his anger bearing down on him, directed at him. He could feel the heat from Prowl’s intakes, could see the tension in the normally collected mech. He winced as a strong fist struck the bulkhead beside his helm with a loud crack of metal.

Snarling angrily Prowl tore away from a shocked Jazz, his door wings twitching and quivering as he attempted to restrain his anger and hurt at Jazz’s words. His intakes were deep and erratic, his fists clenched tightly.

“Is that what you… you really think of me?” Jazz’s normally cheerful tone was subdued.

Prowl bowed his head, rubbing his optics with a heavy sigh.

“Prowl?”

“I shouldn’t have said that… I’m sorry… It’s just, having watched you with them over the stellar cycles. Seen you move on so quickly, so easily I… I felt betrayed, cast aside.”

Prowl took a deep breath, straightened and turned his, blue optics narrow. “I dealt with it the only way I knew how.” His stern gaze faltered. “It doesn’t mean I ever stopped feeling or caring.” Dropping his gaze completely he paused. “It’s simply easier if everyone thinks that about me.”

Jazz took a tentative step towards him. “I had no idea.”

Glancing up beneath his chevron Prowl quirked an optic ridge. “That was the intention.”

Jazz pouted at the dry tone, frowning as the taller mech made his way back to his berth.

“Do you have any idea how hard it was to watch you die a second time Jazz?” Prowl spoke with a tremor, his voice barely above a whisper. “There’s too much at stake to prioritise personal issues over the responsibilities we have if we’re to have any hope of winning this war.”

“Then what are you doing with Prime?” Jazz asked quietly, unsure if he should broach the subject of his leader’s personal life. He watched as Prowl stiffened visibly.

“He…I... I care about him…more than I am seemingly willing to admit.” Prowl trailed off as he spoke, lost in his own thoughts.

“How is that any different than what I am asking you to consider, to think about, to just talk about…with me?”

“I…I’m not sure. With you, when I think about the past, there’s just… pain and regret.” Prowl hesitated the point of his red chevron visible over the line of his door wing as he cast a mournful glance towards Jazz.

“I never stopped wanting you but I resigned myself to the fact you would never reciprocate so I stopped letting myself feel, didn’t let myself want you.” He looked away optics dimming with fatigue.

“With Optimus it started as an accident, he was there for me when I needed… I don’t know what I needed and yet he keeps trying to pull me closer, he wants… me.” Prowl hung his head and absently traced tapered fingertips across the housing of his spark chamber feeling the faint tug of the unwanted link. “Probably better that we can’t now anyway…”

Prowl let out a surprised gasp as gentle tentative touches played over his door panels.

“Oh Prowler.” Jazz sighed, nestling his head into Prowl’s neck, his arms reaching around his slender waist pulling him back against his warm chassis in an effort to comfort him.

“If we stop feeling and turn away from what we want, what will make us happy… then we’re fighting for nothing. Makes everything we’ve been through meaningless.”He murmured the words into Prowl’s neck.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me… I’m here now…” Softly he pressed his lips into the soft plating. “And I don’t know how you truly feel about Prime but… if you can’t look me in the optic and tell me there’s no chance that you’ll let me be close to you again; to be that mech you turn to… then I’m not letting you go this time Prowler. I’m not.”

Leaning back into the comforting warm frame, Prowl let out a quiet moan as Jazz placed sensual kisses along his neck line in time with his words. His touches felt so familiar, so comforting, Prowl felt torn as black hands slid up along his bumper caressing headlights, brushing over his Autobot symbol. Not completely willing to reciprocate yet reluctant to let go; Prowl shuttered his optics.

“Jazz…” He let out a whisper, losing himself in the comforting embrace of his former lover.

“Don’t push me away Prowler… please… we used to be so good together.”

“Mmmm.” Prowl agreed. “We also fought. A lot.”

Jazz let out a chuckle, the vibrations causing Prowl to shiver. “Yer one of the most stubborn mechs I’ve ever met Prowler, most mechs would have a hard time not fightin’ with you.” He chuckled again as Prowl huffed, ducking out of the way of Prowl’s door panel as he turned to face him.

Jazz couldn’t hold back any longer, this was what he wanted. Not giving Prowl a chance to speak he acted on impulse and touched his lips to Prowl’s swallowing the soft moan Prowl let escape. The kiss was chaste; tender until Jazz was sure Prowl wasn’t going to pull away from him.

“Let me in Prowl...” He breathed into Prowl’s mouth softly. “Please.”

He allowed himself a small smile as Prowl let out a faint mewl of want in response to the familiar caress. Jazz deepened the kiss his lips and glossa moving against Prowl’s keenly, he tentatively flicked his glossa over parted lips dipping into Prowl’s warm mouth caressing sensors along the oral plating, relishing the delicious noises from Prowl’s vocaliser.

The kiss soon became more frantic, eager as Prowl pushed back against him unable to resist the urges any longer. They pressed tightly against each other, metal scraping against metal, hands reaching for sensitive nodes, digging beneath armour plating.

Jazz couldn’t help but lean into Prowl’s curves, bending him back against the edge of the berth, their crotch plating grating, sending heat and pleasurable signals through their circuitry. Jazz reached round to support Prowl’s back, his blunt fingers pressing into the joints of his door wings.

Breaking the kiss Prowl’s head dropped back, his mouth parted in a breathy groan of want. Jazz pressed his hot mouth against the exposed throat, sucking at cabling, licking along wires.

“Nnngghhh… Jazz…” Prowl’s voice squeaked a little as Jazz bit into his throat nipping his energon line.

“Mmmm” Jazz moaned into Prowl’s throat, his aroused spike now pushing painfully against his interface panel. “Prowler… I want you… please.”

Prowl sucked in air sharply as eager fingers brushed against his groin, his interface cover auto-retracted releasing his pressurised spike. Lost in Jazz’s expert ministrations Prowl allowed himself to be lowered back onto the berth. Leaning over him, Jazz laid gentle kisses along his chest his own spike pressing between Prowl’s thighs. Despite his arousal, Jazz couldn’t help but feel nervous as the wetness of Prowl’s valve pushed against the tip of his hard spike. It had been such a long time since they had interfaced with each other.

He gazed down at the black and white mech writhing in response to his expert touches. Letting out a wanton growl he pushed into the tight entrance. Prowl cried out, arching into Jazz’s hips forcing his spike deeper, filling his valve completely.

Prowl gripped the edge of the berth his moans coming in pants as Jazz rocked his hips against him slowly. Glancing up at the blue visor, he took in the sight of the parted mouth, visor dimmed with pleasure, black hands clutching his thighs tightly. He gasped as Jazz rocked faster against him. Dropping his helm back against the berth Prowl heard himself cry out loudly through the white wash of static that was clouding his senses. The tingles of overload crept through his body. Jazz’s spike swelled and throbbed inside him driving him over the edge.

Biting down on his lip Prowl whimpered, his body shuddering as wave after wave of pleasure roared through him. His valve quivered and tightened, the slick spike rubbing over deep set sensors, as strong hips slapped into him.

Jazz grunted and groaned loudly, his entire frame going rigid, trembling as his spike stiffened, shooting hot fluid into the clenching valve. Prowl couldn’t help but shriek as Jazz’s overload burst into him, pushing him into another CPU shattering overload leaving a pleasant static tingling all over his body.

Jazz fell limp over the trembling Prowl, catching himself with one hand, his visor gazing into Prowl’s face – screwed up in the throes of overload. He grinned, kissing Prowl softly when he’d fallen quiet.

“That was amazing Prowler.” He kissed him again, feeling elated at the rare closeness with the black and white mech. “Yer better than I remember.”

On lining his optics, Prowl met Jazz’s gaze, a tiny frown forming on his flushed face. “Why did you do this Jazz? Why do you want this so badly?”

Jazz let out a pleasant laugh, fingers tracing along the red chevron. “Prowler I’ve never stopped wantin’ you. You feel so good with me inside you.”

Prowl blinked up at the grinning mech, his frown deepening. “Can you be serious for a moment please?”

Jazz pulled back his spike sliding out of the valve. Prowl sat up on the berth. “I mean it Prowler.” He cast him a lopsided grin. “We’re great together. I can’t believe I ever let you go.” He moved closer, his hand reaching for Prowl’s face. “You get me so hot.” His voice dropped low, purring into Prowl’s audio.

Prowl felt, guilt, regret. This wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t about the physical, he felt a dull ache in his spark and his thoughts raced uncontrolled, chaotic.

White hands took hold of darker ones pushing back a little. “Is everything you do Jazz, all about how much fun it is for you?” Prowl’s voice was quiet, guarded his optics studying Jazz carefully.

Jazz let out a short laugh. “Life’s all about fun Prowler, you have to relax more, let go a little bit.”

Prowl dropped his gaze to the floor disappointment raging through him, Jazz hadn’t changed. “Some of us can’t afford to let go.” He sighed. “Is this why you came to see me Jazz. To see how much fun you could have?”

Jazz frowned. “C’mon Prowl you know me better than that.”

“I’m not so sure.” Prowl glanced up at Jazz. “I thought you wanted to make things work with Ironhide if your conversation with Ratchet was anything to go by…yet… here you are…having fun.” Prowl couldn’t help the bitter tone that escaped with the words.

Jazz ducked his head. “You heard that huh?”

Jazz pressed his mouth into a grim line. “Things with me and ‘Hide…they’re not serious… he knows how I feel about you… how I’ve always felt about you…he doesn’t want anything serious from me anyway.”

“Do you know that for certain, have you asked him?”

“Look Prowl, it’s really not relevant right now. I’m here with you now, I want –“

“What?... What is it you want from me Jazz? Do you even know?”

“Prowler don’t be like this.”

“Then answer my question.”

Jazz shifted uncomfortably, thoughts of Ironhide crossing his cortex, mixed feelings of guilt, confusion and subsequent annoyance.

Prowl shook his head, irritated at himself for succumbing to Jazz’s seductions. “You don’t know do you?” He spoke softly, empathising with his confusion, finally they could agree on something.

“Oh like you know any better!” Jazz snapped suddenly, taking Prowl by surprise.

“Yer sending out such mixed signals Prime doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going! And yet here YOU are letting me fuck you!”

“Jazz calm down! You instigated this remember. I’m only asking why.”

“No I won’t calm down! Yer judging me for something yer quite willing to do yerself.”

“I’m not judging you!”

“Yer an unbelievable aft Prowl.”

“Excuse me?” Prowl was now genuinely confused and could only presume that Jazz was struggling with his own doubt, his own guilt.

“You always do this!”

“I’m not sure wha…”

“This! You have to over analyse everything to look for answers to questions nobody asked in the first place. How can you sit there – after everything we just talked about, everything we JUST did – questioning how I feel about you? Or why I’m even here?”

“I… I just wanted to be certain it was what you truly wanted.”

“But you don’t even know what you want. How can you presume to question me?”

“Jazz… I…I’m sor-“

“Yer afraid Prowl. Hiding from yer own insecurities, yer own doubts, imposing them on me, making me doubt how I feel." He let out a soft weary growl.

"This is why you push mechs away, you fucked me over and yer fuckin’ Prime over and this… THIS is why I let you push me away!”

Jazz took hold of Prowl’s face with both hands, much firmer than necessary. “This is why I couldn’t give you an answer all those stellar cycles ago. You can’t just enjoy it. You can’t just be with someone and accept it for what it is.”

Prowl pulled away from Jazz’s hard grasp, his words hitting him hard, he let out a gasp as his spark felt a twinge of pain. The truth of the situation rushed over him rapidly, his logic circuits taking control over his erratic feelings.

“I can’t keep doing this with you.” He spoke more to himself. Not really registering Jazz as he voiced his thoughts out loud.

“It’s the same thing over and over… I can’t… Aaargghhh!!”

“Prowl!” Jazz was immediately filled with concern; his anger forgotten as Prowl stumbled clutching his chest. He reached out to help only to have Prowl bat him away harshly, straightening with a grimace.

“Please Prowler.” Jazz implored the stubborn mech. “Don’t push me away again. If this is about Prime… what I said I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have… I know he cares about you enough to want you to be happy.”

Jazz felt his chance slipping; he had managed to frag things up once again. Without even trying. He just wanted Prowl to know how he truly felt.

“You can be happy with me… let me help you!”

“This isn’t about anyone!” Prowl turned on Jazz angrily, the frustration of his predicament and the pain in his spark were wearing him down. His cortex throwing at him the only choice he felt he had left.

“I can’t let go. I can’t be like you Jazz and I can’t be with you or anyone!” He hissed as the pain grew stronger. “There’s too much risk now… too much at stake.”

“Frag your responsibility for a minute Prowl!”

“NO!”

Jazz clamped his mouth shut at Prowl’s outburst his fist slamming into the berth.

“I am spark linked to a slaggin’ ‘con!” He whirled round on Jazz – who took a step back startled – the anger and anguish clear in Prowl’s optics.

“Or have you forgotten how much of a liability I am?!”

Jazz couldn’t bring himself to respond.

“And yet you jump to the conclusion that it’s me. That I’m the one not letting this happen. That I’m pushing you away.” Prowl took another determined angry step forward bearing down onto a stunned Jazz.

“Did it even cross your mind, that I don’t have a choice?!”

Prowl dropped his head, clawing at his chest, the pain stabbing through his spark. “I didn’t ask to be taken by them. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it to be this way.” His voice trailed off into laboured gasps of pain.

“Prowl I… I’m sorry… what they did I…”

“Don’t Jazz.”

Jazz felt his intakes stall as Prowl glared at him coldly.

“Just don’t. You made this all about you. It’s always been about you.”

“That’s not true and you know it!”

“Isn’t it?!” Prowl gestured wildly, wincing as the movement caused him to double over, letting out a sob of agony.

“No!”

“I don’t know anymore Jazz…” Cold blue optics glared into the blue visor.

“I don’t know you…”

“Prowl please… yer hurtin’, yer not thinkin’ straight… let me get Ratch..”

“Go.” Prowl sighed, doing the only thing he could think of to keep Jazz away from him. Something was wrong with the link he could feel it; it was draining him, tearing into his spark, killing him. He couldn’t risk the seekers using him to get to Jazz or anyone else. Not again. Never again.

“Just go.”

Jazz took a step forward. “Prowl no.”

“GET OUT! Stay the frag away from me!”

Jazz recoiled, pain and confusion written over his features as Prowl glared at him, his optics cold, hard. Shaking his head Jazz turned on his heel and rushed from the med bay.

Prowl’s face melted into anguish. Regret mixing with the excruciating pain coarsing through him. His face screwed up and his hands flew to his chest, clutching his spark chamber desperately. Gasping in pain, his optics dimmed. Prowl fell to his knees. Something was pulling at his spark; he could feel the foreign presence through the weak link. His spark ached and throbbed frantically as energy began draining away from its very core.

Catching himself with one hand, the ache growing stronger, his spark weakening by the minute.

“NnnngghhgaaaAAH!” He screamed collapsing to the floor, static filled his audio as the pain temporarily blinded his senses. He vaguely caught the hiss of the door as it opened once more.

“Prowl! No!”

Prowl’s vision blurred as the mech rushed to his side.

“It’ll be all right Prowl hang in there. I’m here.”

Prowl whimpered, his capacitor racing as he felt the ‘cons trying to drain his spark through the link somehow. He reached out feebly, warm fingers clasped tightly around his own. The familiar voice soothing him.

“I’m here.”

He felt himself being held close to a warm frame, hands stroking his helm tenderly as he writhed against the pain, he let out a choked sob. “You came back…”

“Ssshh it’s all right Prowler… not goin’ anywhere, Ratchet’s on his way. Just hold on. Please… For me.”

Prowl felt his body go cold, he blinked unable to focus, feeling only pain which now seemed so distant.

“Jazz…”

He whispered in fear as a muggy weight engulfed him. Jazz’s voice calling his name faded into the static, leaving him utterly alone in the dark.
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