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Movie Parodies: South Park Style	By : Kingcobra Category: +S through Z > South Park Views: 4724 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
SP MEN

CAS Sta Stan Marsh
Wendy Testaburger
Token
Eric Cartman
Kyle Broflovski
Kenny McCormick
Bebe Stevens
Grandpa Marsh
Rebecca Costwalds
Clyde
SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
Tweek Tweek

WARNING: Language, violence, adult themes, oddball humor (what else would one expect in a fiction written by me?)

(A beautiful house, day. It’s sunny outside. Think of this scene as the majestic American home… from hell. You’ll see why in a minute. Tweek is sitting on Wendy’s bed, shaking as always, and Wendy is babbling about a trip, or something.)

WENDY: You know, I’ve never kissed a guy before.

TWEEK: (flinch) Ahh!! R-really?

WENDY: Well, I kissed Cartman at some stupid meeting regarding a flag when we were kids (there’s a little episode reference for you other fans) but that wasn’t real. It was just sexual tension. I did kiss Stan a few times but he always barfed when I did, and I did kiss Token, but I don’t know what happened there. He just dumped me for no reason one day. It was really weird, too. The news predicted a sunny day that day, but after I left his house, it just started storming. I almost got hit by lightning several times.

(Tweek twitches.)

WENDY: Anyway…

(She grabs and kisses Tweek. Tweek keeps shaking.)

WENDY: OH, MY GOD!! MOM!!! DADDY!!! COME QUICK!

(Some wrestling ring, somewhere in Canada. Stan is kicking the crap out of his opponent while Wendy, dressed in a dark brown coat with a big hood, wes. es. Stan does receive a few wounds, though, but suddenly they start healing themselves.)

WENDY: What the hell?

(A bar, later. Stan sits down next to Wendy, who, for some odd reason, now does not recognize him, at the counter and orders a bottle of vodka.)

WENDY: I saw your fight. You really kicked ass back there.

STAN: Yo.

WENDY: How’d you do that with the wounds? That was cool.

STAN: Healed.

WENDY: Uhhh…. Okay…

(Suddenly, Stan’s opponent from earlier grabs him, and long metallic blades pop out of Stan’s knuckles.)

STAN: Step off.

OPPONENT: Okay. (Does so.)

(Stan leaves, and Wendy follows, accepting a ride in his beat-up truck.)

STAN: (grunts)

WENDY: Where am I going? I don’t know. Anywhere, I guess.

STAN: (blinks)

WENDY: So, you’re a mutant too, huh?

STAN: (shrugs)

(An angry Clyde appears and knocks Stan out before making a grab for Wendy.)

WENDY: (Clyde grabs the wrong place) DON’T TOUCH MY BOOBS!!

(Token and Kyle appear. Kyle shoots a laser blast from his eyes at Clyde, blowing him away, while Token puts his hands together in the air, while his eyes glow white, and creates a storm.)

KYLE: Whoa, dude! What’s with ttormtorm?!

TOKEN: I’m pissed off because the author decided to make me dressed in black spandex like I was Halle fucking Berry or something. (A/N: No offense intended to Halle Berry fans because she really is a fine actress and a beautiful woman and Token's comment was just written to serve as irony, since Berry played Storm in the movie.)

DEADKENNY: Muahahahahahahahahaha!!! (Points and laughs hysterically, to the point of crying, at Token, who growls and his eyes turn white again. Suddenly, DK is flung out of his chair by a “stray” lightning bolt.) Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

TOKEN: (grumbles) Why did I have to be STORM?!

(A large mansion, day. Kyle and Token enter, both hauling an unconscious Stan and Wendy on their shoulders. A door slides open and Grandpa Marsh rolls into the room in his wheelchair.)

KYLE: Professor, we found two more mutants. It appears that fatass… I mean, Cartman sent Clyde in to attack them. Fortunately, me and Storm here (snickers, trying to keep his laughter down, while Token glares at him) managed to blast him away and save them. They’re both unconscious, but still alive. Should I have Dr. Stevens take a look at them?

MARSH: Ah, kill me!!

(Lab. Dr. Bebe Stevens, a slutty blonde woman, is analyzing Stan, who is lying on a table with various wires sticking out of him. Suddenly, he comes to life and grabs her roughly.)

BEBE: Eek!

STAN: (looks at her, then grunts and releases her, running off.)

(Stan looks around wildly, in a fashion similar to a Neanderthal frozen in his time and revived in ours.)

MARSH: (rolls into the room.) Ah, you little pansy-ass fruitcake, kill me already!

(Kyle appears behind the old senile man, looking at Stan with some amusement.)

KYLE: You were banged up pretty badly in that fight with Clyde, so we brt yot you and Wendy here for medical treatment, which, looking at you now, I’d say was an unnecessary endeavor. Wendy is fine. She wasn’t hurt as bad as you were. All she suffered was a bruise on her forehead. Fortunately, Dr. Stevens put a Flintstones bandage on her booboo and now everything’s fine. You have the power to heal your wounds, from what Wendy told us, and she borrowed your powers to heal herself. So, her mutant strength is borrowing the abilities of other mutants. How amazing.

STAN: (grunts unintelligibly)

KYLE: (frowns) Don’t talk to me like that, and stay away from Dr. Stevens. She’s my girl. So nyah. (sticks out his tongue.) Clyde works for Cartman, and it appears that the fatass wanted to kidnap you for some obscure reason that I’m sure will become blatant as this parody goes on.

STAN: (blinks)

KYLE: Where am I, you ask? You’re in a school for mutants, much like yourself. You’re not the only mutant in the world, you see. There are dozens of mutants around. People who can turn invisible, or can walk through walls. Some can teleport. Some even have the uncanny ability of listening to Cher without wincing or losing their marbles. But a few of us, like Cartman, believe that a war is coming between us and non-mutants. You see, we’re not well loved.

(Cartman’s lair, later. Clyde is there, looking apologetic, while Cartman, Rebecca Cotswalds, and Kenny McCormick are standing around, all looking pissed at Clyde.)

CARTMAN: Wha’ the hell do ya mean, ya lost ‘em? You worthless piece of shit! I needed the girl to power my machine, asshole! How the hell else are we gonna turn everyone else into mutants?!

(Cartman rips a fart. Everyone else starts screaming and Clyde passes out.)

(School, same time. Wendy gets fed up with being there and leaves. Stan follows her to the train station.)

WENDY: Oh, hey. What’s up?

STAN: (shrugs)

WENDY: I’m fine. Just leaving again.

STAN: (blinks)

WENDY: Oh, okay. I’ll go back with you.

(They start to leave when Kenny, Cartman, and Clyde attacks. Token and Kyle appear out of nowhere.)

TOKEN: This is so embarrassing. (Summons a bolt of lightning and blows Clyde away.)

KENNY: (Hahaha, Wendy, you're going back with us. Cartman needs you for his machine.)

WENDY: Noooo!! STAN, HELP!!

STAN: (grunts)

(Stan fights with Kenny while Cartman snatches Wendy and runs. Kyle moves to follow but Kenny pulls the protective visor off his face, and his laser blasts out, destroying the place. Kyle quickly closes his eyes, but in the confusion, the bad guys get away with the girl.)

TOKEN/ KYLE: Goddamnit!

STAN: (blinks)

(School, later. The SP Men are debriefing Grandpa Marsh about the fiasco at the train station while Bebe is displaying a X-rayed graph she made of Stan's entire skeletal structuring.)

BEBE: Professor, this is an X-rayed graph I made of Stan's entire skeletal structuring.

KYLE: The author mentioned that already. You're a quick one.

BEBE: (to Kyle) Shut up! (To Marsh) Anyways, sir, it would appear that the subject of which this x-ray was formulated from has an long stretch of metal which was astutely surgically grafted onto his entire skeletal system, rendering him with the uncanny ability to forge long steeled claws, which arises from the flesh of his knuckles, and becomes deadly instruments, capable of drawing the surprise and fear of any subject unlucky enough to dwelling in his arbitrary personal zone. It is even more catastrophic if the subject crosses the line and threatens him in such a manner that Stan would feel withdrawing the claws would be sufficient. He also has a miraculous ability to medically eradicate his wounds, whether they be minor cuts or massive injuries in a mere moments, thus rendering him at full strength to resume the current task he was performing, which, given the above example, would be fighting a powerful opponent.

(Everyone stares at Bebe for a few seconds, not sure of some of the words she used. Crickets chirp.)

KYLE: ...K...

STAN: Word.

KYLE: So, Cartman has Wendy. But why?

TOKEN: Wait a minute. We know that Cartman wants to turn the rest of humanity into mutants. We know that he has Wendy, and that her powers are stealing other mutants' powers. (Pause) Oh, my god.

BEBE: What? Did you just realize that Cartman is going to give Wendy his power and use her to run the machine?

TOKEN: No, I just realized that I lost my wallet during the skirmish at the station.

KYLE: We've got to go stop him! But where is he?

(Ellis Island, New York. The SP Men get out of their jet and into Cartman's hideout. Suddenly, Rebecca jumps in out of nowhere, changing her shape to look like Wendy.)

REBECCA: (Wendy's voice) Hi, Stan. (Kisses him, while pulling a knife out of her pocket. Raises the knife, ready for the kill, when...)

STAN: (doesn't vomit, wonders why, and then it dawns on him fast) Not Wendy! (stabs Rebecca in the belly with his claws. Rebecca slides to the floor, looking dead, but let's face facts. The character she's spoofing came back in the sequel to the actual movie, so she can't die here. Token and Kyle are attacked by Kenny and Clyde. Token strikes first, throwing a bolt of lightning at Kenny, sending him flying off the island into the water.)

STAN: (grunts)

KYLE: YOU BASTARDS!

(Kyle shoots Clyde with his laser, sending the boy plummeting to his demise.)

(Statue of Liberty, minutes later. Cartman's machine is up there, as are Cartman and Wendy. The girl is strapped to the controls and Cartman is indeed sending his power through her. Token creates a gust of wind to blow Stan up high enough to save her and stop Cartman, but, unfortunately, Stan overshoots and smacks face first into the pilot windows of an overhead plane, sort of like a fly on a car windshield. Token creates a thunderstorm to try to distract Cartman, but it's a little too late for that.)

PILOT 1: What the hell?

PILOT : Where'd he come from? Come to think of it, where'd this storm come from?

(Back down below, Cartman is too busy laughing at Stan's accident to notice as Kyle shoots a beam right into his back.)

CARTMAN: Urgh!

(The fatass is unconscious. Token flies up and frees Wendy, carrying her back down to the other SP Men.)

WENDY: Hooray! Cartman's been defeated, and I'm safe. Thanks, Storm. (Looks up at her rescuer.) Hey, you look an awful lot like a guy who I used to date, and for some odd reason, a storm came up from out of nowhere after I broke up with him... Oh, my god... TOKEN?!!!? (laughs hysterically.)

TOKEN: Argghhhhhhhhh!!!!

KYLE: Well, all's well that ends well. Good job, gang!

TOKEN: (grumbles) Oh, shut up.

NEXT: *snicker--this is gonna be a good one* South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.
- 10
- 11
- 12
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Movie Parodies: South Park Style