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Super Best Friends- The Hiring Process	By : AchtungNight Category: +S through Z > South Park > AU/AR - Alternate Universe/Alternate Reality Views: 331 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I am only a fan of South Park and other non-public domain media franchises featured in this fan fiction story (see full disclaimer below). I expect no financial profit from this story. Please don't view my work without a mature open mind.

Chapter List
- 1-Super Best Friends- The Hiring Process
- 1
- "Super Best Friends- The Hiring Process" by AchtungNight
  Disclaimer- All characters and events in this story -even those based on real people- are entirely fictional. All celebrities are impersonated ... poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
  If the above paragraph and this story's location didn't tip you off, this is a South Park fanfiction story. I don't own the TV show South Park, nor did I create it. I also created none of the religious figures and video game (Mortal Kombat, God of War: Ragnarok, Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous) characters portrayed in this story, nor any of the celebrities who may be portraying them, although I did modify them slightly as fanfic writers do. The video game characters and celebrities are intended as cameo, not crossover, for purposes of this story's category online. This story is not intended as a canon depiction of any religious figure or a real life depiction of any celebrity. I have attempted to portray such figures slightly more respectful than South Park usually portrays them, while still indulging in the South Park style of humor when appropriate. I did not write this story for financial profit, nor do I expect any from it. I do hope for positive and constructive fan feedback. Please remember that every word here is my opinion and I have a right to my opinions and freedom to express them. Thank you in advance.
  One last note- if anyone is curious about how and why I have portrayed the character SeaMan in this story, look up my author name on the Internet, find the most prominent celebrity featured in other stories I have written, read some of those stories if you like, and then think about the situation for yourself. I will discuss things further by private exchange if necessary. Let's just call it a fan theory, probably not South Park canon, but maybe. I am not connected to the official production of South Park, so I can neither confirm nor deny any canon details regarding its characters.
  This story is dedicated in memory of Isaac Hayes.
  Thank you, audience, hope you enjoy!
  ***
  Scene- The Hall of Super Best Friends' Central Meeting Room. Time is May 2023.
  A large table with several chairs surrounding it is in the center of the room. On the wall behind the table is a large computer screen. Jesus Christ, Christian religious figure and usual figurehead for the Super Best Friends, is sitting in a chair at the head of the table relaxing. A darkhaired woman in white robes and hood is giving Jesus a foot massage. Both of these figures and all other characters that appear in this story are of course drawn and animated in the appropriate South park style.
  Jesus speaks. "Ah, Mary... I mean Magdalene. Not confusing you with my mother, we need to make that clear to the viewers. You're good at rubbing my feet, as always, though that's not why you're here. I still appreciate the foot rub, though. I suppose I should tell viewers why you are here."
  Magdalene nods and wipes his feet with a wet cloth. Jesus turns to address the audience.
  Jesus- "Friends who may be watching, today we are showing you a rare glimpse into the hiring process for the organization of religious heroes known as the Super Best Friends. Those of you who might have applied to be police officers or firefighters may be familiar with the complex multifaceted hiring processes such professions have. Our organization is similar. We require an application, fitness test, background check, one on one interview, group interview, and then a final vote to accept anyone as a Super Best Friend. You're going to see some of the criteria we consider if you keep reading this tale."
  Magdalene coughs.
  Jesus- "As my most prominent female follower other than my mother has reminded me, we are also going to be primarily looking for a female member today. The Super Best Friends do not currently have a clearly female member, and this is a problem for obvious reasons. I hope the entire audience agrees with me in this regard. If not, well, go away, please! You see, behind every great man, there's a great woman, sometimes more than one, and recently it's become more clear that a lot of women want to step forward more and..."
  Magdalene smiles and stands up, tapping Jesus on the shoulder as she rises.
  Jesus- "You're right, they get the idea. Good. Now, I naturally considered Magdalene for membership in the SBF." He waves a hand at the computer screen and an image of Mary, the mother of Jesus, appears. "I also considered my own mother Mary, who is venerated with religious worship by many Christians. But I had to reject them both because the Super Best Friends have a rule about only one figure from each religion on our team. Hiring my mother or Magdalene would mean I needed to leave the Super Best Friends. Obviously, I can't do that. So we needed to find another candidate. Everyone ok with what's going on?" He pauses. "Good. Super Best Friends, assemble!"
  Jesus waves his hand and the face of Moses the supercomputer appears on the room's screen. The room's door opens and several other members of the Super Best Friends enter. First appears Hindu deity Krishna, followed by Asian philosophers Lao Tze and Buddha. Then comes Mohammed, as usual covered by a flickering field of static obscuring his image. Last to enter are the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith and the mysterious clown SeaMan. The latter character has his pet bird Swallow perched on his shoulder. All go to chairs around the table and sit down.
  Jesus speaks. "One of you is going to betray me." Then he laughs. "Sorry, old memories. Everyone know why we're here? Good. Magdalene, we agreed you will be watching our hiring process from the viewing room for female perspective. So I have to ask you to step outside now. Is that ok?"
  Magdalene nods and leaves.
  Jesus- "Thank you. Glad to have you on my side, as always. Team, before we begin, any thoughts?"
  Krishna- "I'm still not sure why we're looking for another member. I can be female. Female Form!"
  Krishna changes his body to display clear female features.
  Buddha- "I can be female also, just put me in the right clothes. Plenty of great female Buddhas in my religion."
  Jesus holds up a hand to quiet chatter from the team. "I know, Krishna, Buddha. The thing is, most people on this planet think of you both as male. Making you female in their minds is not that easy. We need a clear female member of our team, a um, cisgender female. Is that the right term, Moses, cisgender?"
  Moses- "Yes."
  SeaMan raises his hand. Jesus acknowledges him.
  SeaMan- "What about bringing in a female follower of a current team member? Have we considered that? My own former wife Mary Sue..."
  Jesus interrupts SeaMan. "Whoa there! I already talked about this with our viewers. We don't want to dismiss any current team members; we're all staying on the team. We also need someone most people would associate prominently with our religions. That's why we can't use Magdalene for my religion, or Mohammed's wives for his religion, even though Islam allows its adherents to display images of those women and not its Prophet. Am I correct about that, Mohammed?"
  Mohammed's static shroud flickers.
  Jesus- "Check on that and get back to me, okay? For now, we are not interviewing your wives for membership in the Super Best Friends. Also, I didn't say this to viewers earlier, I'll say it now- we need to avoid a Super Best Friend who would not get along well with our team or the people we're supposed to protect. That's why your former wife probably wouldn't work for us, Seaman!"
  SeaMan- "It's SeaMan. Not Semen. SeaMan!"
  Jesus- "Shut up, Seaman! You are still on hazing probation with this team because you need to work better with the rest of us, same as your religion does in the world outside our Hall!"
  SeaMan- "But... uh, my religion which I can't identify for legal reasons is trying to be better! We can be better!"
  Jesus- "Until you're better in the public eye, Seaman, we can't clearly identify your religion. You have to use an alias too, an embarrassing one you yourself chose, if you remember. One based on the lowest rank in that Earth military group in which you once served. You are a long way from being a Lieutenant Commander again, Seaman, if you were ever such an officer. Do you understand my words, Seaman?"
  SeaMan mutters and sits back down.
  Jesus- "Thank you. I am also surprised you don't remember how your former wife Mary Sue used religion to control people, not help them. Your religion expelled her for criminal convictions she earned some time before you departed your earthly body. We as Super Best Friends do not wish to be like your former wife Mary Sue, nor should we. Do you agree, SeaMan?"
  SeaMan nods. "I still love her, though, and you could forgive her as you have me."
  Jesus- "But can she forgive others? I am not sure about that. I am also not sure the people we are supposed to help would accept her over you in our team. You don't want to leave the Super Best Friends, do you, Seaman? No? Then we are not interviewing your former wife for membership. Thank you."
  SeaMan nods and is quiet. Jesus turns to Smith.
  Jesus- "That was a mess. Hopefully the wrong people haven't figured out everything we were just talking about. Or if they have, our stories' writers can deal with their opinions. Can we move on?" He pauses. "Good. Smith, have you reviewed the current pool of applicants?"
  Joseph Smith stands up. "Yes, Jesus, I have. I also removed most of those who have failed the initial application, fitness test, and one on one interview steps. We still have some background checks in progress, though. How's that going, Moses?"
  Moses- "Same as the last time you asked me. It is debatable whether any of the current pool of applicants can be denied based on their background alone. We as a community need to debate their backgrounds versus our criteria and allow the candidates input."
  Jesus- "I see. Well then, let us group interview each candidate. Who's our first applicant?"
  Smith produces a folder and flips through its contents. "Well, um, he's a man, not a woman. We have rejected him before and he wanted another chance. He also said he had a recommendation if we needed a female. Can I bring him in?"
  Jesus looks around and sees no objections. "Um, sure."
  Smith waves his hand and a portal shrouded in lightning opens. Japanese Shinto thunder deity Raiden steps out of the portal. This version of Raiden is dressed similar to his video game depiction in the Mortal Kombat video game series and voiced by Christopher Lambert. The Super Best Friends welcome Raiden with recognition, smiles, and cheers.
  Jesus- "Raiden, old friend! Good to see you!"
  Raiden bows. "Good to be here. So, you're considering new members?"
  Buddha- "Yes. But um, we're still not sure about your popularity, Raiden. Are you now more well-known outside Japan?"
  Raiden- "Thanks to my video game and anime appearances, yes. Am I well-known enough to be a Super Best Friend?"
  Jesus looks at the team and receives a few nods along with a few head shakes. "We're not sure, Raiden. Also, well, we're looking for a female member today, not another male. Smith said you had a recommendation?"
  Raiden- "Um, yes. My sister and mother, Amaterasu."
  SeaMan- "Say that again?"
  Raiden- "Amaterasu."
  SeaMan- "Can we call her Amy?"
  Raiden blinks. "No."
  Jesus- "This Amaterasu. What powers does she have as a religious figure?"
  Raiden- "She is a Mother Earth type deity. She has great power over sunlight, nature, and growing plants."
  Moses interjects. "I already interviewed one on one another similar deity, Gaea from Greek mythology. I rejected her because she was too concerned with earthly affairs. She said she was willing to 'kill all of humanity eventually if they keep messing with her planet.' Her words. Because of this judgement, I could not accept Gaea as a Super Best Friend."
  Krishna- "I wouldn't accept her either. Buddha rejected my own sister Kali for similar reasons."
  Buddha nods.
  Mohammed's static shroud flickers. Lao Tze mumbles something incomprehensible in Chinese. Jesus nods at each of them.
  Jesus- "Right. Raiden, this Amaterasu, is she like Gaea?"
  Raiden- "Um, in general attitude, no. She is more of a nurturing mother, not a vengeful one. She has powers related to the sun, the moon, nature, water, wind, birth, and death. I can also share with her my power over lightning."
  Jesus- "Hmm. Clearly we lack many of those powers on this team. Smith, Moses, have we considered Amaterasu as a Super Best Friend before today?"
  Smith- "I haven't."
  Moses- "There are some problems. Like most Shinto deities, she is not well known outside Japan. She appears in some video games and anime media, but her name is not easily recognized."
  Jesus grimaces. "Then, we can't accept her. Any Super Best Friend has to be clearly recognizable as a religious figure. Sometimes it's ok to disguise them like Seaman or Mohammed here, but the truth of who they are has to be revealed somehow to their adherents and those of other religions they might also be helping. This Amaterasu might have issues with that. She also might be confused with Gaea, and we don't want that. So, sorry, Raiden, I have to reject her for now. But maybe that can change if she herself can go through our application process. We'll keep your recommendation on file. Right, Moses?"
  Moses- "Yes."
  Raiden nods. "I will speak to Amaterasu about applying."
  Jesus- "Thank you. Good to see you again, Raiden. Have a nice day."
  Raiden bows and steps through his portal, which closes behind him.
  Jesus- "Smith, let's get any remaining male applicants out of here quickly so we can concentrate on the females. Is there anyone else like Raiden?"
  Smith sorts through some folders full of paperwork. "One person. Um... I'll just allow them to introduce themselves."
  Smith waves his hand and a column of holy light appears in the room. An angel in a white robe and halo descends from Heaven. The angel's face is obscured by light at first, but then the light flickers and the angel's face becomes clear. Many of the Super Best Friends gasp.
  Jesus- "Satan?"
  Satan- "My name is Lucy now. I'm going back to my original identity." Lucy adjusts their angelic robes to clearly display the outline of large female breasts. "I'm also now transitioning to female, as supported by Our Father!"
  Jesus raises an eyebrow and looks toward Heaven. "Um, Dad, is Satan, I mean Lucy, telling the truth? He... She is? Ok... thanks, Dad."
  Jesus gapes at Smith, who shrugs. Buddha and Krishna exchange chuckles with Lao Tze. Sea Man looks disturbed, but then recovers his composure. There is no visible reaction from Mohammed or Moses. Lucy remains smiling all the while.
  Jesus- "Uh, ok, I am glad Our Father is supporting you in your... transition, Lucy. I'm also glad you're doing ok after Our Father got you out of that whole situation with ManBearPig. Speaking of ManBearPig, Moses, do we have a plan for the Super Best Friends to fight ManBearPig yet?"
  Moses- "No. I am still consulting on the matter with Al Gore. He says the situation is 'super cereal' but even he is currently unsure how to further oppose ManBearPig in their future return to Earth or how to dethrone ManBearPig from rulership over Hell."
  Jesus- "Ok, I guess we'll address that matter later. Back to the issue in front of us. Satan, I mean Lucy, you wish to become a Super Best Friend?"
  Lucy- "Yes. I have applied before and you have rejected me."
  Jesus- "Yes. I think I have to do so again. Sorry, um, Lucy, but the thing is, most of the people we help as Super Best Friends see you as an evil religious figure."
  Lucy- "But I have many followers who think otherwise! Did not our Comedy Central show change my public image? What about my show on Netflix?" Lucy's face flickers for a moment, then is replaced with the face of actor Tom Ellis from the TV show 'Lucifer'.
  Jesus- "Yes, those shows have changed your image slightly. But not enough. Is there anyone here who disagrees with me? Smith? Moses? Seaman? Anyone? I already know Buddha doesn't really believe in evil. Anyone else?"
  No one speaks up. The silence is clearly uncomfortable to Lucy.
  Jesus- "Well, there you have it. Your transition from evil to good is still in progress. Also, I think your transition from male to female is still in progress, right? We rejected a transgender member earlier, right, Krishna?"
  Krishna nods.
  Jesus- "We need a cisgender female, not transgender. Sorry, Lucy, that's not you. Maybe when you are seen as female and positive by more of our public, we can further consider you. Smith said you had a recommendation for us?"
  Lucy frowns, then smiles. "Yes! She has already made it through the Super Best Friends Hiring Process as far as I have. Her name is..."
  A puff of red smoke appears in the room. A tall red-haired woman in a red dress emerges from the smoke and shouts in a shrill voice. "I can speak for myself, Lucy!"
  Lucy- "Sorry. I'll, uh, just be going now." Lucy steps into her holy light column and ascends back to Heaven.
  Jesus turns to address the strange woman in red. "You are... familiar."
  Woman in Red- "My name is Lillith! I am the first cisgender female creation of Our Father! I am a well-known figure in many sects of Christianity and Judaism!"
  Jesus- "Is that true, Moses?"
  The face of Moses flickers, then nods. "Yes. Lillith is well-known in Gnostic Christianity, also Mespotamian and Jewish mythology. She is widely venerated by feminists all over the world today, including musicians at a popular music festival called 'Lillith Fair'. She has powers related to fire, nature, and darkness."
  Lillith- "That is all correct! Thank you, Moses! I also have a strong power of woman's intuition! You, Moses, and you, Jesus, don't want to leave the Super Best Friends! Relax! I don't have to be a Christian or Jewish deity! I am also a Pagan deity!"
  Jesus blinks, then looks at Smith. "Do we have other Pagan deities in the application process, Smith?"
  Smith- "Yes, several."
  Lillith- "I'm better than all of them!"
  SeaMan- "Why do you keep shouting?"
  Lillith- "I am Woman, Hear me Roar!"
  Jesus grimaces. "That's a great song, but you're taking it a bit far, I think. Do you agree, Smith?"
  Smith- "Yes. There's also a big problem with Lillith that we can better address with another applicant."
  Lillith blinks. "What problem?!"
  Smith- "As I just said, we can better address it with another applicant. But Jesus has brought up another problem. We talked about this in your one-on-one interview, Lillith. You're a bit too forthright for the Super Best Friends. If you are to be one of us, you must work with us, not try to overshadow us."
  Lillith- "But Jesus..."
  Jesus interrupts her. "Someone has to be our figurehead, I am the usual pick per many of our votes. Most of these votes are not public. I am willing to step down as figurehead in favor of Buddha or Mohammed or any other Super Best Friend."
  SeaMan coughs.
  Jesus- "Not you, Seaman, you haven't earned figurehead status yet. Smith brings up an important point. Lillith, would you be willing to accept not being Super Best Friends figurehead?"
  Lillith pauses. "No!"
  Jesus- "I see. Well then, we have to reject you despite your many powerful aspects and abilities. As Super Best Friends, we are inclusive, not exclusive. We actually have no leader. I may speak for our group most often, but that's in fact optional. Any member can speak for all of us."
  SeaMan- "Even me?"
  Jesus ignores SeaMan. "Any member who has earned the ability to speak for all of us. You would need to go through a period of not having such ability. We already are in that probationary process with one member right now, I would rather not go through it with multiple people at the same time. Does anyone disagree?"
  Buddha- "I could handle it."
  Lao Tze mumbles in Chinese. Mohammed's static shroud flickers. Smith and SeaMan look uncomfortable, then shrug. Krishna says nothing. The face of Moses flickers when Jesus looks in its direction.
  Jesus- "The majority does not agree with you on this matter, Buddha. Sorry, Lillith, we can't accept you."
  Lillith shrugs. "I can not accept you either! As a woman and Our Father's first creation, I am more important than anyone else here! More important than any man surely! More important even than you, Jesus!"
  Jesus raises an eyebrow. "Our Father says we are all equally important, as per our abilities and the needs of our situations. I agree with this judgement, as does everyone here, I think."
  The SBF nods.
  Jesus- "You see, Lillith, friendship is the core of the Super Best Friends. There are many elements to friendship- Loyalty, Kindness, Honesty, Generosity, Laughter, Wisdom..." As Jesus speaks, Moses displays images of a group of multicolored ponies on the room's screen. "But at the core of them all..." Moses displays an image of a purple dragon and Jesus smiles. "At the core is Humility. Not Pride, which is the opposite of Humility. You're too full of Pride to be a Super Best Friend to the general public, Lillith."
  Lillith- "But I... Is there no woman here to whom I could appeal?"
  Jesus looks at his cell phone. "We do have Magdalene observing us. She thinks... she agrees with me. She doesn't like you either."
  Lillith- "Bitch! Just give me a chance, I..."
  Jesus- "Sorry to interrupt you again, Lillith, but we have made our decision. You need to leave. Does anyone here disagree?"
  Lillith fumes, but there are no objections to Jesus' judgement.
  Jesus- "Thank you. I'm sorry, Lillith. Come back with a better attitude, then maybe we can further consider you. Thank you again."
  Lillith swallows her anger and vanishes in a puff of red smoke.
  Jesus- "Phew. Smith, I can see why you needed help dismissing that applicant. Magdalene and I have had our issues, but I thank God things have never gotten that bad between us even with everything other followers of mine have done to marginalize her."
  There is uncomfortable silence in the room. Krishna breaks it.
  Krishna- "Not every religion has a lot of prominent female figures. We have previously agreed not to debate the reasons for that among us. We simply agreed we should choose a female member and move on from our pasts."
  Jesus- "Correct. Thank you for that reminder. Smith! Who is the next most problematic female applicant? Let's get the problem people out of here quickly!"
  Smith- "Right. Our next candidate is a Greek mythological deity, also a Pagan and Roman deity. Allow me to introduce... Venus!"
  A mass of sea foam appears in the room, forming around a large seashell. This seashell opens to display the Boticelli depiction of Venus.
  Venus- "Hello. I am the Greek mythological deity Venus. I am also called Aphrodite. I have powers over the sea, love, and beauty."
  Jesus- "Thank you. Smith, what were the problems with this applicant?"
  Venus frowns but allows Smith to speak for her.
  Smith- "Her powers duplicate many powers of existing Super Best Friends. I also think Venus is, um, overly sexualized."
  Venus gapes. Jesus shifts his posture, then looks at his vibrating cell phone. "Magdalene agrees with you, Smith. We need a powerful female Super Best Friend, but not an overly sexualized one. A lot of women would have a problem with Venus as a Super Best Friend. Does anyone here disagree?"
  Lao Tze says something incomprehensible. Mohammed's static flickers. The face of Moses also flickers. SeaMan shrugs. Krishna also shrugs. Buddha says nothing.
  Jesus- "I see. Well, the verdict is, we are not women, however we think many women would have a problem with an overly sexualized woman on our team. And you, Venus, like it or not, are such a woman. Therefore, I'm sorry, but we can not accept you."
  Venus- "It's fine. I accept that. Thank you." She retreats back into her shell, which disappears in a burst of sea foam.
  Jesus relaxes. "Who's next? Any more Greek deities?"
  Smith- "We have two more, but one of them specifically requested she be interviewed last for her own reasons. I will now bring in the other one. Um..."
  A large golden apple appears in the far corner of the room. A loud deep voice intones- "For the Fairest!"
  SeaMan, Mohammed, and Smith all stand up and move towards the apple. Jesus frowns, then stands up and steps in front of the apple. Krishna & Lao Tze move to stand beside Jesus. Moses also forms a wall of solid light between the apple and any who might grasp it. Buddha frowns at the Apple, but does not move to stop anyone from grasping it or to grasp it himself. SeaMan, Smith, and Mohammed stop approaching the Apple, sensing opposition.
  Before anyone else can react further, Krishna speaks. "Who is this applicant, Smith? She reminds me of Kali, my sister."
  Smith- "She's, um..."
  The strange voice changes its pitch to a high soprano. "I will speak for myself. I am Cacophony! I am Eris! I am Discord!" A flash of light flickers in the room, and a small darkhaired woman in a black dress appears.
  Jesus looks at Moses. "Discord?"
  Moses- "Yes, Discord. She is known as the Greek deity of Chaos, responsible for starting the Trojan War among other things."
  Jesus- "Thank you. I recognize that apple now. Can you get rid of it, please, Moses?"
  Moses forms a column of light around the Apple of Discord and teleports it away. "Done."
  Instantly, the Super Best Friends who were moving towards the Apple relax. Everyone on the team takes a seat at their table again, nervously eyeing the latest applicant.
  Jesus- "Thank you, Moses. Discord, was it?"
  Discord nods, smiling.
  Jesus- "Can you be a positive and not a negative religious figure?"
  Discord speaks, her voice now at alto pitch. "Yes. I have a number of followers in this world called Discordians. I inspire them to work hard amidst strife, recognize illusions, and feel that they are free!"
  Jesus looks at the other Super Best Friends, none of whom look comfortable with Discord. He then turns back to her. "Sorry, but we don't see you that way. I hope you are ok with that."
  Discord frowns, then shrugs. She speaks again, this time in baritone pitch. "I have to be, don't I?"
  Jesus- "Yes. Thanks for speaking with us. Good day." He waves a hand at Discord, who disappears. "Smith, can we have a more comfortable applicant next please?"
  Smith- "Surely. Presenting..."
  Smith waves his hand and another portal covered in lightning appears. Out steps a muscular blonde woman dressed in silver plate mail armor carrying an enormous sword and hammer. She bows and introduces herself.
  Armored Woman- "Greetings. I am Thrud Thorsdottir, Norse mythological and Pagan deity. I have powers over thunder inherited from my father Thor and powers over nature inherited from my mother Sif. You may recognize me from the popular video game 'God of War: Ragnarok'."
  Jesus smiles. "I have enjoyed that game. What Kratos tells his son near the climax about opening one's heart to human suffering? I really liked that part."
  Thrud smiles. "I liked it too. Loki and his father say hello, by the way. They wanted me to tell you they can step back into the Super Best Friends application process whenever you want them."
  Jesus looks at Smith, who speaks. "I rejected them because they're not female, even though Loki said he could be."
  Jesus turns back to Thrud. "Clearly you are female."
  Thrud- "Yes. I also tried to talk my fellow Norse deity Freyja into going through the SBF hiring process, but she said no, she would rather not. She would rather I try it instead. She feels I need more exposure than she does. I do have references from Freyja, Loki, my parents, and our All-Father, though!"
  Jesus- "That's good. I also like that you have earth and lightning powers. We have fire powers on our team with Mohammed, ice with Smith, shape-changing and protection with Krishna, ocean with Seaman, construction and healing with me, peacemaking and psychic powers with Buddha and Lao Tze, but no one has earth or lightning powers. We all would like an ally with power over the earth and lightning, right, team? Do we like this candidate?"
  Buddha nods. So do Lao Tze, Smith, and Krishna. The face of Moses and Mohammed's static shroud flicker. SeaMan nods, then speaks. "Thrud? You remind me of someone."
  Jesus waves a hand, intending to silence SeaMan. "Yes, Seaman, I too recognize the adherent of your religion who is portraying Thrud in this writing, just like Rachael Leigh Cook portrayed Discord earlier and Rachel McAdams portrayed Venus. Lillith was portrayed by Jessica Chastain. Rooney Mara portrayed Magdalene when she was onscreen. The writer of this story is working with celebrities again. Not every one of those celebrities needs to be clearly identified. Especially not our writer's most frequent muse. She knows she has you on her back, just as another celebrity follower of the same religion had you on his back in a previous situation involving the Super Best Friends. The writer of our story understands the situation, Seaman, and our audience should be able to understand the situation also. Thank you, Seaman."
  SeaMan opens his mouth, then closes it at a gesture from the woman portraying Thrud Thorsdottir. The Super Best Friends all visibly relax.
  Jesus polls the team again, then turns back to address Thrud. "Thank you for being here today. You have a lot of support among us. Moses, please check her popularity level."
  The face of Moses flickers and Moses speaks. "Thrud is recognized thanks to the video game she mentioned. Marvel Comics have also recently depicted a female version of the Norse deity superhero Thor in many popular stories. The world recognizes Thrud Thorsdottir. However, they may recognize her father more than her."
  Thrud- "Dad said I could be here. I make him proud. Would you rather he be here?"
  Jesus looks at the team, but no one speaks. He turns back to Thrud. "I don't think we can approve you right now, Thrud. Clearly, we like you, but we need to discuss your application further and also consider other candidates. Is that ok with you?"
  Thrud shrugs. "Sure. I'm ok with that. Just please remember me and call me back if you want me as a Super Best Friend."
  Jesus- "We will do that. Thank you for coming to speak to us. Good day." Thrud steps back into her lightning portal, which vanishes. Jesus speaks again. "Who's next, Smith? Any more Norse deities?"
  Smith- "No, although some did apply, none made it this far. They failed the popularity check, mostly. We do have one African deity. May I present... Mawu!"
  Drums sound and a shadowy portal takes form. A large elderly black woman in dark robes steps out of the portal and bows to the team. She speaks in a voice similar to Viola Davis. "Greetings. I am Mawu. You may also call me Madame Voodoo. I am the central figure of the Voodoo religion, well-known throughout West Africa, the Caribbean, and Paganism. I have powers over the mind, death, darkness, light, necromancy, and various forms of nature. I can also cause people to do as I would prefer that they do through use of my voodoo dolls."
  Mawu's hands are not visible. They are tucked into her robes but moving suggestively.
  Jesus frowns, then smiles. "I like this candidate. Moses, can you confirm her popularity?"
  Moses- "I can. I can also confirm that..."
  Jesus interrupts. "Thank you, Moses. That's good. I also like that this candidate is black. That matters. We've tried to get black applicants before and had difficulty. Black applicants matter. What about this candidate's good intentions? I am convinced of them. Is everyone else here similarly convinced?"
  Smith- "I am!"
  Lao Tze frowns, looks closely at Mawu, then mumbles something incomprehensible.
  Krishna gasps, then snaps his fingers. "Power of True Seeing!"
  Sections of Mawu's robes covering her hands vanish, revealing that she is holding two voodoo dolls of Smith and Jesus, which she is rubbing suggestively. SeaMan immediately leaps onto Mawu's back and throws her off balance, making her drop the voodoo dolls. Jesus and Smith collapse in epileptic seizures. Lao Tze and Krishna move to aid SeaMan in subduing Mawu. Mohammed incinerates the voodoo dolls with a quick fireball while Buddha snaps his fingers at Jesus & Smith to help them recover. SeaMan meanwhile continues wrestling with Mawu.
  Jesus stands up, smiles as he watches the wrestling, then looks at Moses. "What awful behavior. Can you help SeaMan restrain this candidate, Moses?"
  The face of Moses flickers and then a chair with restraints appears in the room. SeaMan, with help from Lao Tze, Mohammed, and a suddenly more muscular Krishna, maneuvers Mawu into the chair and seals the restraints.
  Jesus- "Good job, SeaMan, everyone. SeaMan, please note my proper pronunciation of your name. Ok, Mawu, explain yourself. Were you demonstrating your powers?"
  Mawu- "Yes."
  Jesus- "Were you intending to release Smith and myself from your influence eventually? Never mind, you don't need to answer that. I think all here can confirm that your demonstration was ill-advised and very much miscommunicated. It disqualifies you as a Super Best Friend. Does anyone disagree?"
  No one disagrees. Jesus nods and says, "I thought so. I hope anyone reading this takes note. I genuinely would have enjoyed working with this candidate, but her attempt to cheat the hiring process ruined things for her. That was specific, and it won't turn us against a better voodoo-themed or black candidate later, unless such behavior continues. I hope it will not. Good day, Mawu. Thank you." Mawu disappears before she can protest, along with the chair restraining her. Jesus speaks again. "Moses, please fortify this room against further problematic applicant powers. Smith, next applicant!"
  Smith, who has stood up by now with further assistance from Buddha, speaks. "We have three more candidates. First, Santa Muerte."
  A shadowy portal of lightning and smoke forms. A female human skeleton clad in a multicolored robe emerges. Santa Muerte is holding a scythe and a globe. She speaks in a voice similar to Eva Mendes. "Hello. I am Santa Muerte, death deity venerated throughout South and Central America, also Mexico. I have powers over death, time, telepathy, and telekinesis. I can raise zombies similar to your last candidate, whom I know about thanks to my powers of premonition. I am also a healer, and I can shield people from harm."
  Jesus raises his hand to stop Santa Muerte from speaking further. "I have heard of you. This team is aware you are rising in popularity as a religious figure." He looks at Moses and receives confirmation. "However, there are still some issues. Can you confirm your good intentions to act as a Super Best Friend?"
  Santa Muerte- "I can confirm my good intentions. Would anyone here dare disagree?"
  Jesus opens his mouth, then closes it. SeaMan frowns and looks at the floor, as does Smith. Lao Tze mutters incomprehensibly. The face of Moses flickers, as does the static surrounding Mohammed. Krishna says nothing but displays very uncomfortable body language. Buddha does not show a clear opinion.
  Jesus- "I see. Well, Santa Muerte, in the absence of objection, we may accept you. I think all here can agree that a figure such as yourself is venerated in many religions throughout the world. My followers have had disagreements with you. I am myself... undecided. I feel we should further review your application and consider you vs. other candidates. Is everyone here okay with that?" The Super Best Friends assent when polled. Jesus turns back to Santa Muerte. "Are you okay with that as well?"
  Santa Muerte- "Yes. For now. I warn you- my further popularity is inevitable."
  Jesus- "Thank you, Santa Muerte. Please depart for now. We will speak with you again later." Santa Muerte nods and vanishes. The Super Best Friends all visibly relax. Jesus turns back to Smith. "Next?"
  Smith frowns and goes through one of his folders. "Next is a young elven child from the planet Golarion named Ember, an atheist applicant. She is widely worshipped by many beings throughout the multiverse, including humans, elves, and demons. However, as an atheist, she denies that she is worthy of such worship. She says she is 'just an ordinary girl'. I must confess I am not sure of her popularity or her good intentions. I hoped to discuss her candidacy with my fellow Super Best Friends before I brought her in."
  Jesus frowns and looks at the team. "Team, can we accept an atheist applicant? I can't remember the last time we discussed that matter."
  Lao Tze speaks in English. "I remember. Most of us were ok with the idea, but we decided we preferred the type of atheist who accepts that deities exist but does not hold them worthy of their personal worship, not the type who denies the existence of deities altogether."
  Smith- "I can confirm that Ember is the first kind of atheist."
  Jesus- "Ok, well, does this Ember honestly want to be considered as a Super Best Friend? You sound unsure about her reasons for application."
  Smith nods. "I am very unsure."
  Moses- "Ember also just left the waiting area. Something about a Crusade Commander needing her."
  Jesus relaxes visibly. "I see. Well, if she's on another team that can call her away like that, she obviously can't also be on this team. There is one more candidate, Smith? Another Greek deity?"
  Smith- "Yes. She is also a Pagan deity with powers similar to many other applicants. May I present... Hecate!"
  Green light outlining a door appears in the room, and the door opens. Out steps a darkhaired woman in black robes who looks like the actress Amelia Tyler. She is holding a large key and a torch. She bows to the Super Best Friends. "Greetings, I am Hecate, deity of Greek mythology, Wicca, and Paganism. I have powers over a wide variety of magic, particularly related to knowledge, fire, darkness, and the opening of doors. May I sit down?" Jesus nods and Hecate takes a seat after putting away her torch and key. All the other Super Best Friends who are not already seated also sit down, except for Moses, who cannot sit down in his current form.
  Jesus frowns at Hecate. "You're a Wicca deity?"
  Hecate nods and crosses her legs and fingers. "Yes. And I wish to become a Super Best Friend for the benefit of all my followers, current and potential. I am willing to work subordinate to everyone here, for a while. Or I can take a leadership role if necessary. I am also willing to relieve any member of the team with similar powers who might be uncomfortable remaining a member." She glances towards Mohammed, then SeaMan, and smiles mysteriously.
  Jesus raises an eyebrow. "Moses, can you confirm her popularity?"
  Moses- "I can."
  Jesus looks towards Heaven. "Father, can you confirm this candidate's good intentions?" He pauses, then relaxes. "They are confirmed. Magdalene, any objections?" He looks at his cell phone, then nods. "None. Team, please vote on this candidate."
  Hecate waits patiently as the Super Best Friends pause, shifting in their seats. At last, Hecate speaks. "Do you need to further discuss my application? I am ok with that. Should I leave and return later?"
  Jesus nods. "Yes, I think that will be fine. Thank you for coming to speak with us, Hecate. You are clearly one of our finalists, along with, I think, two others. We will speak with you again soon. Good day to you."
  Hecate- "Thank you." She stands up and steps through her door, which closes behind her and disappears.
  The Super Best Friends look at one another, then all turn to Jesus, who addresses the team. "Ok, I think we have three finalists then, correct? Thrud Thorsdottir, Santa Muerte, and Hecate. Any disagreement?"
  There is none.
  Jesus- "Good. Then, let us all review their files and decide our preference for which of them should be a Super Best Friend. Our final vote will later need to be confirmed as canon by our current primary copyright holders- Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and the other producers of the TV Show South Park, which is available on Comedy Central and the Internet. Thank you to everyone who was part of this process. Good day!"
  The Super Best Friends wave at the audience and the scene fades to black.
  ***
  The lights fade in again. SeaMan and the actress who portrayed Thrud Thorsdottir (still in costume) are sitting at a table. Both are sipping cups of water.
  SeaMan- "May I call you Jane? It seems appropriate, given your outfit."
  Jane smiles. "That name is among my names. It will do."
  SeaMan- "So you know my secret origin. Who told you?"
  Jane- "A longtime friend. One I have trouble believing is a friend sometimes. But he's still a friend. He said he figured out your identity as SeaMan nearly two decades ago while researching who I was. I was surprised by his reasoning at first, but now it makes sense to me. Why can't the other Super Best Friends call you... never mind, I already know."
  SeaMan nods. "Maybe I will earn back who I want to be someday, when legend fades to myth. That's what I think sometimes. Meanwhile, I need to concentrate on the present."
  Jane smiles. "That is among your teachings."
  SeaMan makes air quotes while speaking. "Jesus is my 'probation officer' here. He says if my religion can work out its negative aspects and get better, as his religion has to do on a continual basis with some of its followers..." He shrugs. "Maybe I can earn a more positive image someday."
  Jane stops him with a raised hand. "You don't need to tell me more. I did star in 'The Case for Christ.' I also know all about the show we're on and its problems with our religion. Let's say no more about those problems specifically here. Think of the children." She smirks.
  SeaMan smiles back in agreement. "Are you going to tell your children about me, Jane?"
  Jane- "They can discover and decide for themselves. I think that would be in concordance with your teachings, right, SeaMan?" She chuckles.
  SeaMan grimaces, then nods. "Yes."
  Jane- "Glad to have you on my back, SeaMan. I like you. You know, there is one thing I think your team hasn't considered. Maybe female prospects for their team should form their own team of Super Best Friends. Be like She-Ra's crew to He-Man's. Jesus Christ's mother Mary could be on the female equivalent of your team. So could Magdalene, Amaterasu, Hecate, Santa Muerte, the character I'm portraying, Discord if others can accept her, Mawi and Lillith if they get better attitudes... not Venus, but maybe Minerva for the strategic adviser... Artemis for the tactical adviser..."
  SeaMan cuts her off. "And a little child I wish we could have directly interviewed could lead you. A religious team of heroes should be led by someone willing to admit they are not a god."
  Jane- "I concur." She sips her water as the scene fades.
  ***
  The cafeteria of South Park Elementary appears on screen. Wendy Testaburger is seated at a table with her friends Red and Bebe. All three girls have lunchboxes displaying a female team of Super Best Friends that includes Ember, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of Jesus, Hecate, Amaterasu, Artemis, Minerva, Thrud, Lillith, Mawi, and Santa Muerte. Stan Marsh walks up to the girls and blinks.
  Stan- "Hey, Wendy. New lunchbox?"
  Wendy smiles as she munches her sandwich. "Yep."
  South Park closing music plays.
  The End.
  Afterword- Readers of this story may think I have a sequel planned, or that something sinister is in the works with the "secret origin of SeaMan", Jane, etc. Right now, neither is currently the case, at least not on my personal level. In my narrative, SeaMan is a probationary ally of Jesus and Pals, and he represents the good people of his religion as a Super Best Friend, not the bad ones. Same as Mohammed represents the good Muslims, Jesus the good Christians, etc. IMO, the SBF should be allies, not foes. The story reflects this opinion, despite any opposing reader or reviewer preferences. As for the villains of this story- they're screwing up and making mistakes, but they find ways to overcome the errors. Mawi & Lillith join another hero team which they're more comfortable joining. Discord continues to stand alone, as does Lucy. That's their nature, no apologies for it here. Will I ever write another SBF story, perhaps one where the male and female SBFs team up to battle ManBearPig, Mecha-Streisand, and other recurring South Park antagonists? Maybe, but I have no plans for that right now. Hope you enjoy this story and my other work if you find it. -AN
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Super Best Friends- The Hiring Process