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Katz the Cowardly Cat	By : xandermartin98 Category: +1 through F > Courage the Cowardly Dog Views: 923 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: All characters, settings, etc. of Courage TCD are the property of Cartoon Network. The author is not associated with the owners, creators, or producers of Courage or any media franchise. No money/profit or infringement intended.

Chapter List
- 1-Journey to the Central Nervous System of Katz
- 1
(INTRO NARRATOR: We interrupt Courage's program to bring you...Katz The Cowardly Cat Episode, starring KATZ! THE COWARDLY CAT! A-BAN-doned as a kitten, he was found by a rather distinctly Klan-like group of psycho-murderous circus freaks of various species, all of whom just so happen to LIVE in the middle of NOWHERE, with seemingly nothing better to do than terrorize poor little Courage just for the pure, sadistic PLEASURE of it! And you'd better believe that CREEPY STUFF happens whenever Katz and/or company are around...it's up to COURAGE to psychologically WRECK the already rather mentally unstable Katz ENTIRELY beyond repair!)
(EUSTACE: STUPID CAT! You make me look bad! OOGA BOOGA BOOGA! *pulls out his comically hideous-looking Native American witch mask and slaps it onto his face, causing the adorably curled-up-in-Muriel's-lap Katz to scream his ever-loving head off and jump directly toward the screen just like how Courage does in the show's regular intro*)
One hot summer afternoon out in (the urban district of) the middle of Nowhere (Kansas), roughly five years prior to Katz's first appearance in Courage The Cowardly Dog proper, Courage suddenly arrived at Di Lung's ridiculously overpriced new "Invention Shack" store as literally its only customer in roughly two-and-a-half days leading up to the time at which this story began (as for what said Invention Shack WAS, per se, think Radio Shack but specifically dedicated to Di Lung's very own largely tacky/pointless inventions and nothing else)...
...surprisingly without any help from Muriel or Eustace whatsoever (for those of you wondering, he got there by literally transforming himself into a car using his extremely blatant Toon Force superpowers), but also with a SERIOUSLY intense grudge against Katz. Needless to say, with an immense hostility toward someone for all of the inexcusably cruel and hateful things that he or she has done to the grudge-holding person in question comes an equally immense desire on said victim's part to get payback on the person who did such inexcusably cruel and hateful things to him or her, and Courage's case regarding Katz was, to put it rather frankly, NO different.
"Greeting, American canine FOOL!" Di Lung (who had STILL only barely finished recovering from his extremely well-deserved beating at the end of Journey To The Central Nervous System Of Muriel, clearly indicating his recent usage of time travel to send himself twenty years into the past) waved his freakishly bony right hand at Courage and "very politely" greeted him from behind the cashier counter (he actually WAS, in fact, narcissistic enough to willingly make himself the store's only employee, believe it or not), causing the poor little dog to roll his eyes and exasperatedly groan in response.
"I take it you come here to help me with brilliant new plan to make big money off another's humiliation?" Di Lung scratched his head with his left index finger and curiously asked Courage.
"HUH?" Courage threw his arms out beside himself in an oblivious "I dunno" gesture and confusedly asked Di Lung.
"Come on, ya fool, let me show you what I speaking of!" Di Lung enthusiastically encouraged Courage, grabbing him by his pudgy little sides, strenuously lifting him up off of the floor with both (of his pathetically scrawny and malnourished little skeleton) arms, and then finally setting him down behind the counter so that the two of them could finally, at long last, address each other face-to-face.
"You see this goofy-looking size-altering device I just pulled out of my pocket?" Di Lung yanked out a classic Looney-Tunes-style "shrink ray" pistol (well, technically, it was actually a grow-SLASH-shrink ray with its function dial set to SHRINK, but after THIS many XanderMartin98 fanfictions, you hopefully already get the idea quite thoroughly regardless) from his left shorts pocket with his corresponding hand, proudly displayed said device to Courage with both hands, and smirkingly asked him.
"MMM-HMM!" Courage merrily nodded his head and crooned to mask his true feelings, nervously thinking "I KNOW I'm not gonna like this" on the inside.
"Well, here's the deal, ya mangy little MUTT!" Di Lung snidely chuckled at Courage's expense, hastily stuffing his Grink Ray back into his left shorts pocket with his corresponding hand before then proceeding to just-AS-hastily yank out a surprisingly high-quality digital photograph of Courage's lean, mean, remarkably intelligent and incredibly posh feline arch-rival (also known as Katz) from his right shorts pocket with his OTHER corresponding hand and then smugly point to it with his left index finger.
"Ya see THIS scrawny little rat-fink here?" Di Lung rather hypocritically asked Courage, not even displaying the slightest hint of self-awareness in the process.
"MMM-HMM?" Courage increasingly-nervously nodded his head and confirmed, already actively dreading what Di Lung was inevitably going to end up making him do.
"Very soon, I turn you into sticky-fingered-and-toed insect, then when I give you signal by phone-calling him using your number, YOU jump inside his head through whichever blissfully unsuspecting ear he happens to lift 'his' cell phone up to in response! Then from there, make your way into his brain, access his memory banks, take control over him, and most importantly, make sure to absolutely HUMILIATE him as much as caninely possible while you're at it! OOHOOAHHHEHEHEHEEH!" Di Lung rather over-excitedly explained to Courage, concluding his explanation by melodramatically flinging his Katz photo straight up into the air with both arms, maniacally laughing his distinctly triangular (Chinese) head off like a bonafide super-villain, and even quite nearly jizzing himself at the mere thought of his wonderful, beautiful plan actually working.
"Okay: first of all, GROSS." Courage annoyedly explained, pointing disgustedly at the visibly raging boner beneath the crotch of Di Lung's shorts with his left hand-paw and desperately shielding his eyes FROM said erection with his right hand-paw while Di Lung embarrassedly blushed from ear to ear and covered his crotch with both hands in response.
"Second of all, HOW exactly are you planning to set all of this insanely contrived nonsense into motion again, pardon my asking?" Courage put his hand-paws together into prayer position and nervously, sweatingly asked Di Lung, his spindly little dog knees already pathetically wobbling like tiny little ceramic bowls full of Jell-O as he did so.
"Here, let me take you into bathroom, then I show you!" Di Lung creepily laughed at Courage's expense, grabbing him by the left arm and forcefully dragging him into said (shockingly clean) restroom in the VERY back of the store (obviously where only he and his most "sincerely" honored rape victims- I mean, GUESTS could reach it, might I add).
ONE ROOFIE-LACED "STICKY APPENDAGES" POTION AND ONE GOOD OLD "ANT SIZE" SHRINK FROM DI LUNG'S GRINK RAY FOR COURAGE LATER...
"So, my dearly beloved accomplice, how do ya FEEL about your current predicament, eh?" Di Lung condescendingly and quite literally looked down upon the now ant-sized Courage (whom he was now delightedly holding in the palm of his right hand) and smugly asked him, licking copious amounts of gooey, yummy dog sperm from both on and around his comically humongous lips and merrily patting/rubbing his remarkably emaciated belly with his left hand as he did so.
"Like I'm about to lose my freaking LUNCH, that's how..." Courage dejectedly, nauseatedly pulled out his walkie-talkie from his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw (while Di Lung did much of the same with his own left hand) and explained to Di Lung through the wireless link between their walkie-talkies, turning green in the face and tightly covering his desperately-struggling-not-to-puke mouth with his right hand-paw while Di Lung just cocked his right eyebrow and confusedly wondered why almost everyone else besides him found bestiality (let alone brain intrusion for the sole purpose of fetishistic mind-control torture) so morally unacceptable and gross.
"GOOD! Now reflect on your despicable actions in repair closet!" Di Lung hatefully and bitterly sneered at Courage in a downright laughably half-assed attempt to shift the blame for what had just happened away from himself as he gently set Courage down onto the appliance/invention fixing table in his repair closet, then hastily bolted right back out of said closet, shoved his walkie-talkie back into his left shorts pocket with his corresponding hand, and then VERY rudely slammed the door to said closet behind himself with both hands (thankfully with the lights in said closet still being turned on in the process, but still, what an absolute dick Mr. Lung was).
"Hmm? What's THIS?" Katz (who was now wearing a fancy business tuxedo, albeit still without any crotchwear, legwear or footwear whatsoever for whatever reason) gasped in surprise as he, in the middle of his usual "smugly strolling past things" routine, was suddenly interrupted by his own rather unexpected noticing of a great big markerboard sign out in front of Di Lung's store...one with the words "100% OFF ON CELL PHONE REPAIRS AND/OR ENHANCEMENTS FOR ANY AND ALL GIANT ANTHRO CATS THAT JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE WALKING BY AT THE MOMENT" colorfully written onto it in stupidly oversized letters by Mr. Lung as part of his painfully-obvious-to-literally-everyone-except-the-victim evil scheme (a CAT-a-lyst to it, if you will), to be more precise.
"Eh..." Katz threw his arms out beside himself, shrugged his shoulders and insultedly sighed, walking right up in front of the Invention Shack's front door as if he had literally no sodding CLUE what running gags were. "There's absolutely NO WAY that the utterly insufferable Chinese crackerhead that runs this infernal Invention Shack place actually believes that a proudly Master's-Degree-bestowed aristocrat such as myself could seriously be outright GULLIBLE enough to actually fall for such a DOWN-right LUDICROUSLY obvious-"
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YA FOOL!" Di Lung, having just walked up to the front door of his Invention Shack while Katz was busy arrogantly monologuing to himself about how smart he was, suddenly yelled at Katz out of complete, well, NOWHERE, punctuating the last word of said (catch)phrase by angrily shoulder-ramming said door wide open and forcefully swinging it directly into Katz's "blissfully unsuspecting" face.
"Well, if you insist, I suppose..." Katz dejectedly sighed, dizzily clutching his now-aching (not to mention also distinctly triangular) head with his left hand-paw while Di Lung welcomingly grabbed his right hand-paw with his left hand and pulled him back up onto his foot-paws.
"Anyway," Katz annoyedly groaned, cartoonishly dusting himself off with his hand-paws as he did so, "PLEASE tell me that your so-called '100-percent-off on phone repairs' offer for my oddly specific species isn't just some kind of stupidly elaborate-"
"SCAM? Oh, COME ON, do I REALLY look like type of person that would SCAM someone?" Di Lung almost-but-not-quite-sarcastically asked Katz, concluding said question with an absurdly cheesy "twinkle teeth" grin straight out of everyone's "favorite" infomercials while Katz insultedly double-face-palmed himself and angrily muttered "YES" through his own tightly clenched teeth in response.
"Well, just trust me, then; I can ASSURE you absolute 100-percent cash-back guarantee if it turns out my looks DON'T fool you! HYAAHAHAHAHAAH!" Di Lung reassuringly wrapped his right arm around Katz in a hugging gesture, patted him on the right shoulder with his corresponding (incredibly greasy and slimy) hand and laughed maniacally (while Katz just nervously chuckled and rapidly twitched his eyes back and forth) as the two of them gaily skipped into the Invention Shack together.
"So, assuming that your phone isn't broken just yet, what type of enhancement would you like for it? Remember, you can only have ONE at a time!" Di Lung walked right back behind his cashier counter and stingily explained to Katz while Katz just struggled not to burst out laughing at how many ridiculously useless knick-knacks the store was indeed home to (with extra-toe-growing potions, automatic manual pencil sharpeners, "toilet plastic" and specialized yogurt spoons being perhaps some of the biggest and worst offenders out of all of them).
"Oh, sorry, uh, pardon me for being...AHEM...distracted by all of the wonderfully useful inventions you're selling here!" Katz sucked in his cheeks and second-hand-embarrassedly snickered, childishly covering his mouth with his left hand-paw and trying painfully hard not to laugh while Di Lung just exasperatedly rolled his eyes and angrily crossed his arms over his chest in response.
"Anyway, what I personally value above all else would have to be my simply ASTOUNDING navigational prowess, if I do say so myself!" Katz pompously placed his left hand-paw over his rather handsomely business-suited chest and almost-but-not-quite-sarcastically boasted to Di Lung while Lung just snidely shook his head and muttered "yeah, right" in response.
"Therefore, I would most definitely greatly appreciate it, to say the LEAST, if you would bestow a cartoonishly hyper-advanced and blatantly anachronistic GPS system upon my cell phone for the pure, unbridled sake of plot convenience, good sir!" Katz proudly concluded with a supremely gentlemanly bow, pulling out said cell phone from his personal Hammerspace and (ironically) unceremoniously plopping it straight down onto Di Lung's cashier counter with his right hand-paw.
"Consider it DONE, ya fool! UWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEH!" Di Lung laughed maniacally as he eagerly snatched Katz's cell phone off of the countertop with both hands and rather eerily took it into his so-called "repair" closet so that he could (obviously pretend to) fulfill Katz's request using his trademarked "DARK MAGICAL INCANTATIONS".
ONE INCREDIBLY ELABORATE SWAPPING-OUT OF COURAGE'S CELL PHONE WITH KATZ'S RATHER CREEPILY IDENTICAL ONE (THAT EVEN HAD THE EXACT SAME PASSWORD AS COURAGE'S, NO LESS) USING DI LUNG'S GRINK RAY LATER...
"There ya go, pal; one newly enhanced cell phone for you! ENJOY, YA FOOL!" Di Lung smugly chuckled as he gleefully, smirkingly handed "Katz's" cell phone right back over to him with his left hand.
"Thank you SO much, jolly young chap! ADIOS!" Katz hastily stuffed "his" cell phone back into his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw and merrily thanked Di Lung, turning tail and proudly strolling back out the front door of the Invention Shack while Lung just-AS-proudly snickered "poor FOOL" underneath his breath in response to the fact that Katz had absolutely no idea of the fact that Courage was now the one with an enchanted cell phone in his "pockets", or more importantly the fact that Courage (whom Di Lung had also enchanted to become entirely invisible until the episode's plot demanded for him to return to his usual visible state) was now sneakily stowed away in one of Katz's OWN "pockets", desperately clinging for dear life onto the much larger cell phone within said "pocket" with his newly acquired Spider-Man appendages while Katz smugly strolled the rest of the way over to his scheduled Bad Guys Anonymous appointment at the local Empress State Building.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, AT THE VERY LAST FOUR-WAY STREET INTERSECTION BETWEEN KATZ AND HIS SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT...
"Hmm...you know what? Perhaps maybe I really OUGHT to consider checking to see whether or not that pasty-skinned smart-arse actually DID, in fact, scam me into THINKING that my cell phone was enchanted by him..." Katz thought out loud to himself, teasingly dangling his right hand-paw into his personal Hammerspace while Courage clung even tighter for dear life onto "Katz's" cell phone than before and tremblingly gasped "OH, NO" in extremely apprehensive response, with his ears even standing straight up in absolute terror as he did so.
"Hmm...you know what? NAH...on second thought, I'm already running late at the moment, in addition to already knowing the exact optimal route to and from this godforsaken place like the back of my hand...now that I put it that way, I think that the GPS upgrade check can most DEFINITELY wait until at least a little bit later..." Katz threw his arms out beside himself in a classic "who cares" gesture, shrugged his shoulders and over-confidently snickered to himself, once again smugly strolling his way across the thankfully last intersection en route to his appointment while Courage relievedly brushed the sweat off of his forehead with his left hand-paw and went "PHEW" in response.
"Ooh, I just KNOW something BAD is going to happen!" Courage meekly shivered and whimpered to himself as Katz excitedly climbed the stairs leading up to the Empress State Building's front doors and then ever-so-dramatically opened them both simultaneously using both of his arms, much to absolutely no one's surprise after how many times he had already done it before.
"Ahh...luxurious furniture...gorgeous lighting...generally soothing and sophisticated atmosphere...honestly, what could POSSIBLY go wrong here?" Katz, in rather notably stark contrast to Courage's thoughts on the matter, calmly and proudly thought to himself as he leisurely strolled his way through the building's incredibly tackily (Chinese) decorated lobby into its equally extravagant "golden" elevator and then took said elevator straight up to the very, VERY top floor of the building (floor 102, to be exact) while Kevin MacLeod's "Local Forecast - Elevator" EXTREMELY-anachronistically played in the background, "almost" as if a digital recording of it had somehow been transported into the story's setting via time travel by the building's owners (Di Lung and his aunt, AKA the Evil Empress).
"Oh boy, this sure is going to hurt that stupid dog and smart-ass cat one HELL of a lot more than it's going to hurt me...UWOHOHOHOHOOH..." Di Lung maliciously cackled to himself back at the cashier counter of his now-inexplicably-closed-WAY-early Invention Shack as he excitedly yanked his Evil-Empress-enchanted Magical MacBook straight from roughly two decades into the future (well, the future as depicted by the Stargate-esque time machine that he just so happened to have hidden in the Invention Shack's top-secret laboratory basement, at least) right out of his right shorts pocket with his corresponding hand, set it down atop the counter, opened it up, turned it on, and then finally, last but not least, clicked straight into its Automatic Courage/Katz Stalker video-recording app so that he could effectively (not to mention simultaneously) record not one but TWO horrifically embarrassing misadventures of already very deeply troubled people (well, animal people, at least) that had never even done anything remotely harmful to him whatsoever.
"Greetings, fellow misfits straight out of John R. Dilworth's childhood nightmares! How ARE things, may I ask?" Katz violently kicked the Bad Guys Anonymous meeting room's door right open with his left foot-paw and lovingly greeted his (almost) equally villainous friends, all of whom were not-quite-AS-lovingly gathered around each other at the massive circular meeting table (to list their names in alphabetical order, said villains were Benton Tarantella, the Cajun Fox, the Clutching Foot, the Cruel Veterinarian, Eustace, Kitty, and Katz's version of the Perfectionist; before you ask, yes, they were also in their usual outfits, or lacks thereof in Cajun Fox's and the Clutching Foot's cases, unlike Katz himself; also, as for the Clutching Foot, it was pretty obviously too big to even fit into its chair at all, so it just stood behind said chair using its heel).
"Oh, ya know, the usual...slaughtering dogs en masse...still busy trying to get my Killer Kat Klub to stay together..." Kitty emotionlessly monologued from behind her soul-piercingly eerie "human face" mask (thankfully not a literal one, but still), waving her right hand-paw around in the typical "yadda yadda yadda" fashion as she did so.
"Aren't you and I supposed to be literally THE only members of said clan, though?" Katz took his own seat at the front of the table and curiously asked her.
"Hmph...I thought I told you a long time ago that familial relations don't mean a damned thing to me anymore..." Kitty bitterly growled at Katz.
"ME NEITHER! Why, I should have killed MY so-called family a LONG time ago!" Eustace crossed his arms over his chest and grouchily agreed.
"But then you'd be in jail, SEE? (Yeah, then you'd be in prison, comprende?) {Uhh...what exactly IS jail?}" the Clutching Foot reminded Eustace.
"OH...RIGHT..." Eustace depressedly scratched his head with his left hand and sighed in response.
"Anyway, how is your sex life?" Eustace sarcastically, angrily asked the Clutching Foot.
"Eh, pretty gay so far...Benton Tarantella seems to really like me a lot, see... (yeah, he's a little creepy creep, Morty...) {who's Morty?}" the Clutching Foot replied.
"God be my WITNESS, don't people EVER get tired of these idiotic celebrity jokes?" Benton forehead-palmed himself with his left hand and exasperatedly groaned.
"Not NEARLY as tired as I am of listening to all of you skinless turkeys yak on and on and ON about shit that don't matter, let me TELL ya!" Cajun Fox frustratedly scolded his fellow evil-doers for hire, throwing his arms straight up into the air in a remarkably Di-Lung-esque fashion.
"Come on, WHEN are we gonna get to eat some of that good old DOG meat like I had back in Vietnam?" he continued angrily rambling while everyone else at the table just annoyedly waited for him to finish.
"You were never even IN Vietnam, you freaking IDIOT! Believe me, I WOULD know!" the Cruel Veterinarian shook his right fist at Cajun Fox and infuriatedly yelled at him.
"Oh, YEAH? Well, THAT revoltingly deformed THING over there shouldn't even canonically be IN this godforsaken SHOW yet in the FIRST bloody place! What, is it from the fucking FUTURE or some pathetic, cockamamie, blatantly made up at the last minute, Yankee-dankee-doodle SHITE of that particular nature?" Katz's Inner Perfectionist lividly pointed out (literally, with her big wooden pointer stick) about the giant Clutching Eustace(?) Foot that was somehow occupying the villain table along with Eustace himself.
"SILENCE!" Katz furiously swung his arms out beside himself and yelled at the tops of his ever-loving lungs on behalf of everyone else at his table, thankfully with his command actually being obeyed in response.
"..." Katz and his fellow villains wordlessly mouthed, staring at each other in an immensely awkward "Moment Of Silence" that felt like an eternity...but unfortunately didn't actually last for very long at all, surely enough.
"RING RING RING RING RING RING RING, BANANA PHONE! BANANA PHONE!" Katz's cell phone (or at least, what he THOUGHT was his cell phone, since both his and Courage's, apart from having different contact lists, exactly mimicked each other to the point of even sharing basically the exact same ringtone) suddenly began ever-so-obnoxiously-high-pitchedly screaming at him while everyone else at the Bad Guys Anonymous meeting table sucked in their OWN cheeks and tried desperately not to burst out laughing themselves.
"Hang on, I'LL get it..." Katz humiliatedly groaned, digging into his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw, yanking out "his" cell phone (with the thankfully-still-invisible Courage still desperately clinging onto it for dear life as always), and then reluctantly hitting its call-accepting button for what was, surely enough, a call from none other than yours truly irredeemable!
"Hello? Who IS this?" Katz curiously asked as he obliviously lifted "his" cell phone dangerously close to his right ear with his corresponding hand-paw while Courage eagerly waited for his chance to sneakily hop inside said ear while the poor, lanky bastard wasn't looking (not to imply that Katz really COULD be "looking" in this case, mind you, but Courage's invisibility enchantment was also dangerously close to running out on him).
"Yo, Katz, is your refrigerator running?" Di Lung inaudibly whispered to Katz, deliberately placing his end of the phone line as far away from himself as possible.
"Um, EXCUSE me? WHAT? Speak up, I can't HEAR you!" Katz somewhat irritatedly scolded his rather distressingly unknown caller, frustratedly shoving "his" cell phone RIGHT up against his right ear funnel and giving Courage the absolute PERFECT opportunity to leap STRAIGHT into said ear funnel in the process.
"COWABUNGA!" Courage gleefully yelled with excitement, suddenly becoming visible again as he gracefully cannonball-dove straight down Katz's vertical ear canal.
"DOOF! OW! D'OH! OUCH! EWW..." Courage repeatedly (but thankfully quietly) grunted in pain as he (sexually) excitedly tumbled his way down the ever-so-mouthwateringly fleshy and waxy internal slope of Katz's collective right auditory canal, fascinatedly marveling at just how wonderfully and deliciously tender and pink the aforementioned flesh within said ear canal really and truly was (in addition to how delightfully long and squiggly its many, many adorable little hairs were) as he then finally landed face-first on the ever-so-beautifully hairy and wax-speckled floor of the blissfully unaware feline’s horizontal ear canal, warmly and erotically licking said floor with fetishistic delight and causing Katz to rather curiously (not to mention suspiciously and weirdly arousedly) twitch his right ear in response. Oh man, if ONLY he knew what was going on in there...
"I SAID, is your REFRIGERATOR running?" Di Lung suddenly brought his mouth ridiculously close to his phone and obnoxiously yelled directly through the phone line that said phone was now attached to into Katz's right ear in his (trademarked) ludicrously thick Chinese accent, as a way of distracting said ear from potentially being able to pick up the sound, not to mention the incredibly ticklish feeling, of Courage's fluffy little foot-paws going pitter-patter against the remarkably soft, delicate and sensitive inner surface of his horizontal ear canal; needless to say, he definitely felt the latter to an extent, but it luckily only provoked him into lightly scratching the outer funnel of said ear with his left index finger.
"Um...YES?" Katz rolled his eyes, rested his left cheek on his corresponding hand-paw (nearly causing Courage to fall face-first into a great big oozing pile of his earwax, naturally enough), boredly sighed, and then dug his way ever-so-slightly deeper into his right ear canal with his aforementioned left index finger (while everyone else at the Bad Guys Anonymous table, especially his Inner Perfectionist, disgustedly glared at him in response) as Courage frightenedly but deftly tiptoed his way past the feline menace's last few defensive chunks of sticky, slimy earwax until he finally, at long last, reached Katz's breathtakingly pearly and shiny eardrum (the light at the end of the flesh tunnel, so to speak), awe-strickenly gazing upon its truly wondrous and luminously sparkling natural beauty with his jaw firmly dropped and his mouth rabidly drooling with arousal as he did so.
"Well then, I guess you'd better CATCH IT! OOHOOAHHHEHEHEHEEH!" Di Lung obnoxiously-unfunnily laughed at Katz's expense, suddenly using the Extra Volume enchantment on his OWN phone to amplify the obnoxiously high-pitched last few words (not to mention the also obnoxiously high-pitched closing laugh) of his sentence to such an unbearably extreme volume level that it actually managed to bust Katz's poor, poor little eardrum RIGHT open (thankfully, Courage had brought the world's most effective pair of earplugs with him in his personal Hammerspace so that the noise wouldn't affect him), causing the poor cat bastard (that Di Lung had just abruptly hung up on) to miserably whimper, cry, moan and wail in absolute agony as his right ear canal began flooding with thankfully soon-to-disappear blood that Courage quickly waded his way through into Katz's middle ear JUST before said eardrum could use the power of Toon Force to instantaneously, inexplicably regenerate itself.
"Hmm...let's see here...how to navigate through the innermost workings of the feline-human ear...ah, FASCINATING..." Courage intriguedly mumbled to himself, pulling out "his" (Katz's) cell phone from his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw and then immediately consulting its magically enchanted GPS app in order to ever-so-conveniently show himself EXACTLY how to get through Katz's inner ear labyrinth while everyone else at the Bad Guys Anonymous table just mockingly laughed and jeered at poor helpless him (and also while the secondary wing-growing effect of Di Lung's "sticky appendages" potion suddenly kicked in out of nowhere on Courage, causing him to grow lovely butterfly wings).
"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT; HERE IS MY HANDLE, HERE IS MY SPOUT!" Katz, suddenly standing up in order to help himself keep his balance, dizzily reeled back and forth and dementedly sang to himself as Courage rapidly flew straight through his semicircular canals and cochlea before finally being transferred directly through his vestibulocochlear nerve into the very (wrinkly) thing that he (and Di Lung) had REALLY been waiting to see all this time: Katz's completely (not to mention cathartically) defenseless brain!
"My GOD, sweet cousin, are you OKAY?" Kitty shockingly-worriedly asked Katz, still remaining completely blank-faced all the while due to her mask.
"YES, yes, don't worry about me, I'm FINE..." Katz humiliatedly sighed, hanging his head in shame as he dejectedly shoved "his" cell phone back into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw.
"How DARE you make the mistake of letting such an utterly tactless IDIOT outsmart an absolute genius like YOU? Why, you should be utterly ASHAMED of yourself! FOR SHAME, GOOD SIR, FOR SHAME!" Katz's Inner Perfectionist arrogantly sneered at him as he dejectedly retook his seat as if nothing had even happened in the first place (well, technically, said Inner Perfectionist wasn't actually "existent", per se, so he WAS at least PARTIALLY right in that case).
"Just for the record, pal, you'd damned better HOPE that there's nothing ALIVE in that pretty little head of yours right now, readying itself to feast on that oh-so-precious BRAIN of yours! Now THAT right there would DEFINITELY make for one HELL of a movie, I must say!" Benton mockingly teased Katz, causing the pupils of the poor cat's eyes to suddenly shrink to near-microscopic size as he suddenly made one of THE most horrifying realizations of his entire pathetic and miserable LIFE!
"OH MY GOD, THE PHONE THAT I JUST USED ISN'T EVEN MINE! MINE PLAYS 'BANANA PHONE' AT A SLIGHTLY LOWER PITCH!" Katz tightly clutched his now-thoroughly-infiltrated head with both hand-paws and began maniacally shrieking in terror.
"THAT FUCKING CHINESE BASTARD REALLY DID PLAY ME FOR A DAMNED FOOL AFTER ALL!" he continued incoherently and hypocritically screaming and crying in a manic fit of arrogance-induced rage, burying his face into the table and breaking out into a laughably undignified and childish fit of sobbing due to being completely unable to handle the shame of having his own "infinitely superior" intelligence belittled by someone else that he personally perceived as being of "lesser" intelligence (yes, despite the fact that the man he was referring to actually was, in fact, technically smart enough IQ-wise to easily build AND PROGRAM a freaking time machine all by himself without even breaking a sweat).
"Ain't I a STINKER?" Di Lung winked at his audience and teasingly laughed at Katz's expense, shooting his audience a nice little double-thumbs-up as an added bonus.
"Sweet mother of Courage, this poor little kitten is SERIOUSLY off his rocker! Now tell me, dear friend; are you going to calm down, or am I going to have to DISSECT that lovely little brain of yours and see what the problem is MYSELF?" the Cruel Veterinarian blushingly, droolingly, butcher-knife-brandishingly asked Katz.
"MMM...sounds mighty TASTY, actually! ESPECIALLY with a side of SCRUMPTIOUS green beans and torso organs!" Cajun Fox arousedly licked his lips, nodded his head and proudly agreed.
"OH, DEAR LORD, NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT, PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU!" Katz outstretched his arms WAY out in front of himself and frantically waved his hand-paws back in forth in a manic fit of absolute panic as Courage, who was now (surely enough) standing RIGHT in front of Katz's violently throbbing brain, yanked out his ever-so-trusty walkie-talkie from his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw and then nervously contacted Di Lung through it while curiously licking Katz's brain stem in order to find out what it tasted like.
"Hmm...tastes like CHICKEN!" Courage mockingly, smirkingly thought to himself as Di Lung rather annoyedly contacted the little mongrel right back using his OWN walkie-talkie.
"YES? What is it? Can't you see I'm trying to jerk off to the mere thought of what you're doing right now?" Di Lung exasperatedly (not to mention selfishly) scolded Courage.
"Well, NO, but anyway, as you could probably imagine from how much he's currently freaking the fuck out, I've finally reached Katz's cranium...so what exactly am I supposed to do with this big old 'BLISSFULLY UNAWARE' thinking muscle of his now that I'm in here, HMM?" Courage exasperatedly rolled his eyes and began frustratedly explaining to Di Lung in a very sarcastically nonchalant tone, briefly checking his foot-paws for hang-claws out of sheer boredom just to emphasize his sarcasm even further.
"Ya know how Chinese peeps like me always say that life, in essence, is really just great big mountain? Be winner and CLIMB IT!" Di Lung excitedly pumped his fists into the air and encouragingly explained to Courage.
"Well, here goes NOTHING, I suppose!" Courage hung up his walkie-talkie and hastily shoved it right back into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw, then placed both of his hand-paws onto their corresponding hips, fourth-wall-shatteringly glared at his audience and depressedly sighed on their behalf.
"My God, it's so biologically intricate and BEAUTIFUL...so deliciously soft, wrinkly, veiny and SPONGY!" Courage arousedly, droolingly panted and moaned as he gallantly, gracefully leapt onto Katz's wonderfully towering brain stem and ecstatically began proudly and nakedly climbing his way up to the very TIPPY-top of his ever-so-delightfully-moist-and-scrumptious cerebral cortex, warmly and passionately licking up and down his OHH-so-yummy gray matter and even vigorously grinding and rubbing his ever-so-rapidly-hardening penis against said brain tissue as he did so.
"Umm...WHY exactly are you looking at me like that, brother? I gotta say, that shit right there REALLY don't jive with me!" Cajun Fox nervously, right-index-finger-waggingly warned Katz, who was now teasingly resting his right cheek on his corresponding hand-paw and ever-so-romantically-teasingly glaring at him.
"FUCKING HOITY-TOITY BRITISH FAGGOTS! I always KNEW that God hated you all!" Eustace shook his left fist at Katz and furiously yelled at him while Katz was too busy being indirectly mind-controlled by Courage's incredibly erotic stimulation of his cerebral cortex to even notice the grouchy old bastard.
"There IS no God, can't you see?" Kitty defiantly pointed out, shrugging her shoulders and throwing her arms out beside herself in a "Hell if I know" gesture for added emphasis while Courage finally made it all the way up onto the left/right hemisphere gap atop Katz's brain, got down on all fours, and then finally began vigorously thrusting his diamond-hard penis directly into said gap (slit, if you will).
"Cold, hard proof, ladies and gents, that when east meets west, it's SEXY!" Di Lung VERY cornily quipped to his audience as he began furiously masturbating while a large group of window-shoppers that had just recently gathered around the front door of his Invention Shack disgustedly watched.
"OHH...OOOH...AAAAH...AHHHHH..." Courage orgasmically moaned with arousal as his penis rapidly approached its sexual climax, causing Katz's OWN sex drive to suddenly go COMPLETELY out of control!
"You know WHAT, jolly young chaps? I do believe I'm getting the need to feel the BREEZE be-TWEEN my NIPS!" Katz hornily teased Cajun Fox, stripping himself utterly buck-naked from head to toe (in other words, removing his tuxedo) and eagerly approaching said Cajun Fox with some of THE most positively intense sexual desire that he had EVER experienced in his entire life!
"PUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED CLOTHES BACK ON, YA FOOL!" Cajun Fox disgustedly shoved Katz away from him with both arms and very hypocritically yelled at him.
"It's extremely indecent to let yourself be seen like that in public, see? (Yeah, it's very rude, ya know!) {What do you MEAN, it's rude?}" the Clutching Foot disappointedly scolded Katz for his admittedly obscene behavior (also despite technically being naked himself) while Benton merely wondered where to put a scene like it in his next movie.
"Don't say we didn't WARN you two to put those damned SCHLONGS of yours away!" the Cruel Veterinarian ominously growled at Katz and Cajun Fox, brandishing a great big pair of weapons-grade hedge shears with both hands as he did so; meanwhile, Kitty gained a remarkably increased level of appreciation for her own cripplingly raging penis envy.
"READ THE DAMNED BIBLE, YA FAGS!" Eustace shook his right fist at Cajun Fox and Katz and bigotedly yelled at them while Kitty shot him a downright nasty death glare in response.
"OHHHHHH, THE THINGS I DO FOR LO-(random unintelligible gibberish)-VE!" Courage shrieked at the tops of his lungs in pain as the massive sperm-stream that he had just ejaculated from his penis ended up conducting the electricity from Katz's brain in addition to the massive amount of static that was already being conducted through his fur, electrocuting the living shit out of him as well as making all of his hairs stand straight on end and frying him into a neatly charred living crisp.
"You sure can say THAT again, partner! OOHOOAHHHEHEHEHEEH!" Di Lung laughed maniacally as he intensely creamed his shorts while the rapidly growing crowd of people surrounding his store progressively became more and more genuinely disgusted by him with each passing minute.
"OH, MAN...SUCH A SEXY BLACK MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE..." Katz lovingly moaned as he and Cajun Fox passionately, nakedly french-kissed each other, smoothly and ever-so-deliciously-erotically feeling and stroking up and down each other's gorgeously sleek and slender naked bodies as they did so.
"Um, EXCUSE me, bitch? I'll have you KNOW, just for the record, that my voice actor is actually WHITE!" Cajun Fox reflexively bitch-slapped Katz across the face with his right hand-paw and scornfully reminded him as Katz hugged him tightly from the back and then repeatedly, forcefully rammed his firmly erect penis STRAIGHT up the poor little fox's butt until said butt was downright THOROUGHLY inseminated with his hot, sticky love.
"Oh, sorry...MY bad..." Katz sarcastically tossed his arms out beside himself and corrected himself as he got down onto his knees and began teasingly licking and sucking Cajun Fox's big orange cock while Cajun Fox violently forced Katz's entire head directly into said cock with both hand-paws and began loudly moaning and screaming various incredibly bad food puns, most notably "You like cholesterol, don't you, ya pathetic little shrimp? Well then, EAT MY DAMNED SAUSAGE, WHY DON'T YOU?!".
Meanwhile, atop Katz's puzzler, Courage had just recently shook all of the soot from him being electrocuted off of himself and was now busy fascinatedly watching Katz passionately fellate Cajun Fox through his eye windows while also intensely puzzling to himself about the extremely crucial matter of exactly HOW he was going to be able to reach the interior of Katz's puzzler without being noticed BY him...needless to say, Courage just kept on puzzling and puzzling and PUZZLING about it until his OWN poor, grossly overworked little puzzler became every bit as sore as could be.
"AH, SCREW it, this always works anyway!" Courage threw his arms out beside himself in a "who cares" gesture and self-awarely chuckled to himself, gently opening up the obligatory secret entrance hatch atop the right-hemisphere portion of Katz's parietal lobe with both hand-paws and then excitedly hopping right in while said hatch automatically shut itself behind him (yes, there most certainly was indeed a maintenance ladder beneath said hatch, but Courage already had wings, so he therefore no longer needed it at the moment anyway).
"GOLLY, would you just LOOK at all of the simply FASCINATING anatomical BEAUTY on display here?!" Courage maniacally laughed in a fit of sheer, unbridled wonderment, fluttering his adorable new butterfly wings as rapidly as could be as he quickly but carefully flew his way through Katz's neural network, taking detailed mental notes of the astonishingly large neuron clusters and neural wires that populated the upper half of his massive feline brain as he finally, barefootedly touched down at the very, VERY front of Katz's frontal lobe and took a nice, comfy seat in the piloting chair of his Central Nervous Super-Computer.
"Alright, Dye Loon or however the Hell you pronounce your name, I've finally reached Katz's behavioral control center; now WHAT exactly am I supposed to do with it again?" Courage pulled out his walkie-talkie from his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw and curiously asked Di Lung while nervously booting up Katz's CNSC with his left hand-paw.
"You literally JUST said it yourself, did you not? CONTROL HIM! Make him so humiliated he wants to KILL himself by the time you finish, preferably!" Di Lung evilly cackled and explained to Courage while the poor little dog was almost immediately greeted by none other than the password screen for Katz's brain's log-in function.
"Well, yeah, but you see, the problem here is that I have literally NO FREAKING CLUE what that smug English bastard's log-in password is!" Courage exasperatedly threw his left arm out beside himself and frustratedly pointed out to Di Lung. "How in the ACTUAL Hell am I supposed to find OUT what it is, HMM?" he sarcastically asked Di Lung.
"Simple: Get his brain drunk, then BRIBE it! THEN it'll tell you everything, I PROMISE!" Di Lung explained to Courage as Courage hastily hung up on him, shoved his walkie-talkie back into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw and triumphantly yelled "OF COURSE", pulling out a great big bottle of quadruple-distilled whiskey from his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw and smirkingly opening up the refueling tube of Katz's CNSC with his left hand-paw so that he could pour literally the entire contents of said bottle directly into said refueling tube. Needless to say, Katz himself definitely began to feel more than a little strange as a result of this occurrence.
"Who is the master who makes the grass green?" Katz sloppily licked Cajun Fox's recently ejaculated sperm from both on and around his lips and then incoherently slurred with a freakishly happy-looking ear-to-ear smile on his face as he dizzily stumbled around in circles, nearly falling over in the process.
"That would be ME, see? (Yeah, we're the FUNGUS here, ya FOOL!) {What KIND of fungus, though?}" the Clutching Foot replied.
"No, it's ME! ME, ME, ME!" Eustace slammed his fists against the table and petulantly yelled. "MY YARD IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DESERT IN EXISTENCE!"
"What about US, though? WE'RE the ones who FERTILIZE the local soil with DOG CORPSES!" Kitty and the Cruel Veterinarian threw their arms out beside themselves in a "seriously, what the hell, man" gesture and frustratedly pointed out while Katz began humiliatingly singing "I'm a Little Teapot" for the second time in a row.
"Oh, COME on, haven't any of you EVER been to Louisiana? If so, then at least one of you folks definitely oughta know for a FACT that it's me!" Cajun Fox placed his left thumb onto his chest and boastfully pointed out.
"Oh, BAH HUMBUG! Cajun Fox, you WISH you knew the correct optimal recipe for fertilizer!" Katz's Inner Perfectionist tightly clutched her belly with both hands and laughed uproariously while everyone else at the table followed suit (not in response to what she had said, however, but rather in response to how utterly ludicrous Katz was acting).
"Try not to forget which cinematic genre you're IN, my friend!" Benton worriedly warned Katz as the poor cat lightheadedly lurched his way over to the nearest bathroom so that he could violently puke into the nearest toilet; meanwhile, deep inside Katz's almost-lethally intoxicated brain, Courage was already busy fraudulently negotiating with his CNSC.
"Whaddayahowa?" Katz's CNSC drunkenly slurred as Courage initiated the aforementioned "bribery conversation" with him while Di Lung more-than-somewhat over-excitedly watched on his OWN computer.
"Look, it's not rocket science; I REALLY need to know what your log-in password is, and I also REALLY don't have much time to find out!" Courage frantically waved his arms up and down like a hummingbird and desperately begged Katz's CNSC like...well, like a dog, then began just-AS-frantically digging around in his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw to see if he could perhaps find a large enough sum of money to convince Katz's still-heavily-judgment-impaired CNSC to let him into its inner workings.
"Oh, well why don't you just ask the space chickens that wrote the local phone book?" Katz's CNSC sarcastically(?) asked Courage while Katz disorientedly made his way all back down the Empress State Building's main elevator shaft to the building's first floor (using the elevator, of course) just so that he would actually HAVE a bathroom to use.
"Oh, YEAH? Well, why don't YOU just ask THIS?" Courage smugly bit back, yanking out an inexplicably near-mint-condition hundred-dollar-bill from his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw and then teasingly dangling it right in front of Katz's CNSC's face (well, technically its screen, but still very much just a different form of face nevertheless).
"OOH, WOW, a hundred whole DOLLARS? BE MY GUEST!" Katz's CNSC overjoyedly screamed with delight as Courage deftly inserted said hundred-dollar bill directly into said CNSC's cash slot, where it was then automatically converted into extra funds for Katz's credit-card account while Courage wiped the sweat off of his forehead with his left hand-paw and exhaustedly sighed with relief.
"The password is: CENSORED." Katz's CNSC foolishly displayed to Courage while Courage frantically typed out that exact combination of characters (CENSORED) on said CNSC's keyboard and then forcefully hit its Enter key JUST in time for Katz to accidentally walk into the women's restroom due to how drunk he was, get thrown right back out of it with double black eyes after a great deal of obviously cat-like screeching on his part, then humiliatedly charge shoulder-first into the men's restroom, dash his way over to its nearest vacant stall and then violently throw up into said stall's resident toilet.
"UGH, my poor, aching HEAD...what in the bloody Hell is going on in there..." Katz dizzily moaned as he tightly clutched his indeed-aching head with both hand-paws and groggily stumbled his way out of the men's restroom so that he could take the Empress State Building's main elevator right back up to its top floor...except that, much to his surprise, when said elevator finally got back down to the first floor, it was already occupied by all seven of the other villains who had formerly been sitting with him at the Bad Guys Anonymous table.
"Oh, BELIEVE me, pal, YOU don't even know the HALF of it!" Courage evilly cackled to himself, rubbing his hand-paws together like a dirty little fly as he rapidly clicked his way into Katz's Manual Control Program and then (rather over)excitedly began acquainting himself with all of the astonishingly numerous buttons, knobs and levers (many of which had formerly been hidden on the underside of his CNSC's reversible keyboard panel, naturally) that said program entailed...most notably one especially large knob in particular, which was quite plainly labeled as "SELF-ESTEEM" and had its settings descriptively, colorfully and even rather humorously measured from "TYRANNICAL TIGER" to "PITIFUL PUSSY-CAT".
"Hmm...you KNOW what? I'd say it's about high TIME that this smug ass-wipe FINALLY learned what being ME is like after everything that he's put me through!" Courage maliciously laughed as he callously turned Katz's self-esteem dial all the way down from "Haughty British Guy Experiencing Massive Alcoholic Hangover" to the aforementioned "Pitiful Pussy-Cat" and then ever-so-eagerly kicked back in his seat and waited for the absolute perfect moment at which he could finally officially seize control over Katz's lovely, lovely body and OHH-so-cathartically humiliate the ever-loving bejeezus out of him right in front of every single one of his closest, dearest, most troublemaking friends.
"Come on, cousin; let's have ourselves a nice little CHAT, shall we?" Kitty lividly hissed through presumably clenched teeth as she grabbed the nervously trembling and sweating Katz by his right arm with her left arm, forcefully dragged him over to the coffee table at the center of the Empress State Building's main lobby (a coffee table that was rather conveniently surrounded by exactly eight massive personal loveseats, to be exact), and then finally (very rudely) shoved him into his seat with both arms while she and the rest of his fellow villains then immediately proceeded to take THEIR seats.
"AIEEEEEE!" Katz fearfully shrieked at the tops of his lungs and meekly cowered in his chair at the mere sight of his fellow villains' almost universally grotesque and disturbing appearances, wetting himself as he did so.
"Hey, THAT'S no way to treat a giant, purple, mutated, fungus-infected foot from the future, SEE? (Yeah, it's RUDE, see?) {To be honest, I actually kinda SEE where he's coming from...}" the Clutching Foot insultedly sneered at him in rather immensely hypocritical disgust at his recent behavior.
"Hey, YOU'RE nowhere near as attractive as you THINK you are YOURSELF, you narcissistic CLOD!" Katz's Inner Perfectionist snootily reminded him (Katz, obviously), despite being a hideously old and wrinkled hag with absolutely nothing likable whatsoever about her practically nonexistent personality herself.
"That's ENTIRELY beside the point anyway; just who and/or what in the actual Hell ARE you people?!" Katz horrifiedly shrieked and trembled in his seat as Courage sneakily dug into his memory banks and dutifully erased nearly all of his former recollections of what the exactly seven answers to said question (as in seven circles of Hell) were while the Clutching Foot frustratedly mumbled to itself about how it had already just TOLD Katz what it was, comically missing his incredibly obvious (albeit unintentional) point about how it was supposed to be Eustace's foot.
"Sick of your SHIT, that's what! Why don't you just GROW UP already, ya damn HIPPIE?!" Eustace shook his right fist at Katz and furiously yelled at him...when all of a sudden, "Katz's" cell phone began ringing at an extremely inopportune time yet again, causing everyone else at the table to shoot yet ANOTHER soul-piercingly nasty death glare at him while he audibly swallowed his now-almost-nonexistent pride.
"Hold on, I need to engage in another EXTREMELY important phone call first!" Katz did a "jazz hands" gesture and nervously, sarcastically explained as he reached back into his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw, pulled out "his" extremely embarrassingly ringtoned phone, and then finally hit its call-accepting button once more for what was, surely enough, a call from yours truly adorable...Courage's adoptive human grandma, Muriel!
"Um, HELLO, Courage? Is that YOU, sweetums?" Muriel curiously asked Katz as she gently rocked back and forth in her rocking chair, completely oblivious to everything that was going on around her as always.
"Umm...y-YES! OF COURSE IT'S ME! TEE HEE HEE HEE!" Katz suddenly began obnoxiously yelling in the rather suspiciously exact voice tone of Courage while all of the fellow villains sitting around him once again sucked in their cheeks and tried painfully hard not to laugh at his expense, much to Courage's sadistic delight.
"OOHOOHOOHOOHOOO!" Courage teasingly giggled, tightly holding Katz's speech-control microphone in his right hand-paw as he dutifully cleared his throat, brought said microphone right back up to his ever-so-lovably treacherous little mouth and eagerly readied himself to continue speaking into it, with Muriel naturally being none the wiser.
"OH, how RELIEVING! Tell me, Courage, where have you BEEN? Why, I've been worried SICK about you!" Muriel merrily giggled while Katz mortifiedly blushed with his tail hung shamefully between his legs.
"Oh, just on a good old flight to Albuquerque, that's all! Don't worry, I'LL be back! Then we can snuggle all day AND night! TEE HEE HEE!" Katz lovingly reassured Muriel in yet more of Courage's exact voice tone while his fellow villains just speechlessly sat in their seats and second-hand-embarrassedly waited for him to finish.
"And we can eat cookies, brownies and pies, and rub fabric softener into each other's hair..." Muriel very over-enthusiastically began, already trying desperately not to spring out of her seat and jump for joy at the mere thought.
"And sleep together, and bathe together, and even have SEX together! Whatever you desire, Mommy! TEE HEE HEE!" Katz maniacally laughed and cried while his fellow villains gave him all KINDS of weird looks in response.
"Well, okay then; just be CAREFUL, snookums! BYE-BYE, MUNCHKIN!" Muriel mushily concluded as she and Katz promptly hung up on each other, with the latter already wanting to die from how unbearably humiliated he was.
"OHH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I TALK ABOUT..." Di Lung ecstatically moaned with delight as he violently blew his load yet again while the crowd of people in front of his store violently retched in response.
"Like I said before, there truly is no God..." Kitty disappointedly rested her cheeks on their corresponding hand-paws and sighed, with all of the other villains at the table (including Katz) dejectedly nodding their heads in extremely unanimous agreement as Katz hastily shoved "his" cell phone back into his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw, never wanting to mention what had just happened again.
"Um...HEH HEH...um, I can...I can explain..." Katz audibly gulped, rapidly drummed his hand-paws together and began hopelessly stammering in his regular voice, almost literally too humiliated to speak, while the room around him became so awkwardly silent that he swore he could actually FEEL the disdain in his fellow villains' eyes.
"You DO realize that I'm already a zombie, and yet that performance of yours somehow STILL made me want to die, correct?" Benton exasperatedly threw his arms out in front of himself in yet another "seriously, what in the actual Hell, man" gesture and bitterly joked at Katz's expense while Katz just continued hanging his poor little triangular head in shame.
"YOU TRY'NA BANG MY WIFE, MOTHERFUCKER?!" Eustace furiously screamed, leaping back up onto his feet and readying his fists for a good old-fashioned smackdown while all of the other villains just frightenedly glared at him in response. "WHY, I OUGHTA-"
"EUSTACE, STOP! It's not worth it, man! Besides, you treat that woman like your damned SLAVE anyways!" Kitty frustratedly grabbed Eustace by the shoulders and scolded him, punctuating her "slave" statement by violently bitch-slapping him across the face with her left hand-paw, followed by her right hand-paw.
"OH YEAH, KEEP IT UP..." Di Lung continued moaning with excitement while an ever-so-rapidly-increasingly large crowd of people disgustedly watched him do so outside, yet were somehow FAR too deathly curious about exactly WHAT it was that he was watching to be able to look away.
"On second thought, never mind; looks like I'm really NOT gonna need these after all!" the Cruel Veterinarian snidely sneered as he gently set his hedge shears back down onto the floor with both hands. "THIS on the other hand, however..." he deviously thought to himself as he dutifully yanked his lobotomy drill out of his right pants pocket with his corresponding hand and then ominously revved it up with his right index finger.
"Is it just me, or do I smell some good old spineless CHICKEN sitting in this room right about now? BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK!" Cajun Fox lovingly teased Katz, making the actual "chicken flapping its wings" motion with his elbows while the upright-fetal-positioned Katz just annoyedly rolled his eyes and left-thumb-suckingly continued helplessly trembling and shivering in his seat in response.
"Truly one of my loveliest, finest works of cinematic art; I call it CRY ME A FUCKING RESERVOIR, KATZ!" Benton put his hands together into prayer position and began calmly explaining, then suddenly threw his arms out beside himself in yet another "dude, what the Hell" gesture and began infuriatedly yelling his ever-loving head off at Katz.
"With a VERY special and lovingly filmed guest appearance from ME, of course! (NO, US!) {NO, ME! ME! PICK ME!}" the Clutching Foot smugly pointed out as it kicked the now-literally-headless Benton's head across the room while the poor guy desperately chased after it so that he could screw it back onto that spindly little neck of his.
"As much as I hate to say it, Eustace is indeed ENTIRELY right in this case! GROW THE BLOODY HELL UP, YOU BLITHERING MAN-CHILD!" Katz furiously screamed at himself and then brutally punched himself across the face with both fists (in the classic "left-right-left-right" pattern, of course), derangedly imagining that it was his Inner Perfectionist doing so in the process while his fellow villains FINALLY realized that there was indeed something SERIOUSLY wrong with him (particularly his brain), developing a rather distinct look of extremely worried sympathy in their formerly icy and mocking glares at him as a result.
"Katz, for crying out loud, you very seriously NEED medical and psychiatric assistance! For God's sake, we can HELP you!" Kitty grabbed Katz by the shoulders, shook him back into focus and desperately explained to him, briefly lifting her mask out of the way with both hand-paws so that she could give the poor bastard a nice, comforting smooch on his right cheek.
"BACK OFF, WOMAN!" Katz furiously yelled, shoving Kitty away from him with both arms as she insultedly lowered her mask back over her mouth and then firmly placed her hand-paws onto her hips in classic "disappointed mother" fashion, still completely unable to believe that she was now seeing her own dearly beloved cousin in such an utterly pathetic state.
"On the contrary, madam, I can very sincerely assure you that I absolutely do NOT require medical or psychiatric assistance of ANY sort! ESPECIALLY not from someone who blatantly resembles a godforsaken KLANSMAN for fuck's sake! Good DAY, madam, and no THANK you!" Katz jumped up and down in a rather remarkably childish fit of rage and ever-so-petulantly rambled as Courage then proceeded to take (nearly) full control over his body (most prominently his arms) and make him grab the lobby's ceremonial katana right off of its conveniently wall-mounted display plaque right behind him with both hand-paws (the entire building was being run by villains anyway, so literally no one else outside of his specific group of friends tried to stop him or even remotely cared to in the first place).
"Come on, you crazy bitch, I've got a fucking WEAPON and I'm NOT afraid to use it!" Katz maniacally growled at Kitty with massive waterfalls of fearful tears fervently pouring straight down his face, causing Kitty to worriedly back away from him and do the "jazz hands" in response as Courage made him forcefully swing "his" katana (literally) RIGHT at her neck in an almost-inhumanly perfect horizontal motion with both arms, only for Kitty to then reflexively scream "HOLY SHIT" and duck underneath his swing in response.
"Don't you DARE come ANY closer to me, or else I'm gonna use this fucking thing again, YOU HEAR ME?!" Katz dementedly screeched at Kitty while Cajun Fox sneakily pulled out a frying pan from his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw and meekly handed it to Kitty, who then courageously brandished it with both arms.
"Go ahead, asshole, MAKE MY DAY!" Kitty fiercely growled at Katz, defiantly taking exactly one step toward him.
"THAT'S IT, WOMAN! YOU! FORCED ME TO USE IT!" Katz savagely roared at Kitty, lifting "his" katana high above his head with both arms and then forcefully swinging it straight down at Kitty; luckily for her, however, Kitty was indeed VASTLY more trained in the art of combat, especially combat strategy, than Katz was.
"I DON'T THINK SO, JERKWAD!" Kitty ferociously bit back, deftly blocking Katz's downward swing with "her" frying pan and thus causing "his" katana (which, of course, was actually just a cheap replica from the local anime store, as opposed to it actually being the real deal) to shatter into a positively ridiculous number of pieces (in glorious anime slow-motion, no less) while Katz helplessly trembled before his own dearly beloved cousin in response, hiding the remaining hilt of "his" katana behind his back and grinning (not to mention giggling) VERY awkwardly and embarrassedly at her as his shrimpy little knees began quivering like wet, soggy noodles.
"PLEASE, LADY, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! I'LL DO ANYTHING! ANYTHING, I SWE-HE-HE-HEAR!" Katz mawkishly groveled at Kitty's foot-paws and began inelegantly whining, sobbing, crying, and generally begging like a dog (naturally, since he WAS kind of being controlled by Courage) while Kitty revoltedly gagged in disbelief.
"Will you stand UP for me, perhaps?" Kitty sarcastically asked him, eagerly brandishing "her" frying pan with both arms as she did so.
"Why, YES, of COURSE!" Katz merrily giggled, brushing the numerous (crocodile) tears off of his face with his hand-paws as he reluctantly and ever-so-embarrassedly got right back up into standing position.
"Well then, I sure hope you enjoy lying DOWN!" Kitty bitterly snarled at Katz as she fiercely swung the base of "her" frying pan straight at Katz's poor, aching head and violently clobbered him (literally) RIGHT across the face with it, causing him to twirl around on his tippy-toes and then cartoonishly faint onto the floor and pass out in response.
"That's SHOW biz for ya! EYUHHHAHEHHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!" Courage briefly turned toward his viewers and laughed every bit as maniacally and sadistically as could be, crossing his horrifically bloodshot eyes and proudly displaying every single one of his hideously disfigured and disgustingly rotten teeth in the process as Kitty wordlessly handed "her" frying pan back to Cajun Fox, disgustedly grabbed (whatever was mentally left of) Katz by his ankles, and then very unceremoniously dragged him back out of the building's entrance and into her limousine while her five remaining fellow villains (that were actually REAL) reluctantly followed behind her (as for the Clutching Foot...well, let's just say that this right here was definitely one SERIOUSLY "bigger on the inside" limousine).
ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, AT THE LOCAL HOSPITAL IN NOWHERE'S RURAL DISTRICT...
"So tell me, what exactly seems to be the matter with your dear incredibly handsome cousin Katz here?" Dr. Vindaloo curiously asked Kitty, who rather creepily was still wearing her Klan outfit, as he (somewhat) worriedly looked down at Katz's still-barely-conscious body that he had just laid face-up onto his operating table.
"There is...to put it lightly, something SERIOUSLY wrong with that poor bastard's head, you see." Kitty reluctantly explained to Dr. Vindaloo while said doctor began meticulously preparing his rather...oddly assorted medical tools and gathering them all together into his comically "bigger on the inside" medical supply/instrument cart.
"How so?" Dr. Vindaloo confusedly asked as he listlessly wheeled his medical cart over to his operating table. "Demonic possession, perhaps? Maybe one of those cliched head migraines that cause people to forget things? Or is he just plain crazy?" he continued, throwing his arms out beside himself in a "Hell if I know" gesture.
"That's just it; we don't KNOW!" Kitty frustratedly threw her arms up into the air and explained.
"For almost the collective entirety of BOTH of our MISERABLY failed attempts to organize a proper, respectable meeting with each other, he's been acting, first of all, like a complete spineless LUNATIC, and second of all, COMPLETELY out of character in almost EVERY possible way! It's seriously as if there's someone inside his head who just so happens to be, pardon my language, FUCKING with his brain!" Kitty exhaustedly continued explaining, pointing directly into Katz's cranium with her left index finger for emphasis.
"Oh, dear God, PLEASE don't remind me about that!" Courage self-disgustedly whimpered, sticking his tongue out and green-facedly wincing in disgust as his downright horrific memories of said event immediately came flooding straight back to him at full force.
"OHH, please DO, ya fools!" Di Lung arousedly moaned to himself while the crowd outside his store angrily yelled at him to watch where he was masturbating, overtly mocking his (admittedly) stupidly thick Chinese accent as they did so.
"Geez, I sure hope you don't mean that whole 'making sex with his brain' part LITERALLY! Why, such an action would most certainly cause QUITE a lot of extremely harmful electric shock to its perpetrator to say the LEAST! Assuming that the intruder actually DID, in fact, get him-or-her-self graphically fried to death in the process, however, you hopefully no longer have anything to WORRY about, at least!" Dr. Vindaloo awkwardly chuckled and explained while Kitty also nearly vomited at the mere thought of such an extreme(ly bizarre and gross) fetish actually existing.
"Oh, and also, just for the record, why couldn't you have just had your Cruel Veterinarian friend handle this pet care business FOR me? He certainly SEEMS qualified enough, at least!" Dr. Vindaloo cocked the right one of his eye-buryingly massive eyebrows and confusedly asked Kitty, taking several notes on his clipboard as he did so.
"Uhh...yeah, NO! Seriously, have you SEEN the types of horrific things that guy does to his patients? By the time Katz walked out of THAT psychotic nutcase's idea of an operation, his brain would probably become half-mechanical and/or shaped like a fucking FRUITCAKE or some shit!" Kitty forcefully swung her arms out beside herself in a rather distinctive "absolutely NOT" gesture, pointed indicatively at the operating room's entrance door (just outside which her fellow villains were busy anxiously waiting in their designated hallway seats for her to finally come back out of said room), and horrifiedly explained to Dr. Vindaloo while he just wordlessly took (clipboard) note of her advice.
"Alright, alright, shoo, SHOO! Time for my OPERATION to start!" Dr. Vindaloo impatiently dismissed Kitty, forcefully shoving her out of the room and then tightly locking its entrance door behind her while she just annoyedly sighed and ashamedly hung her head in response.
"So, how's the diagnosis on your pretentious little Britbong faggot FRIEND going, eh?" Eustace snidely asked Kitty, causing both her and all of the other villains to shoot a downright NASTY death glare at him while he just threw his arms out beside himself and cluelessly asked "what, was it something I SAID" in response.
"He's completely fucked..." Kitty sighed while her fellow (non-screwed) villains depressedly nodded their heads in agreement (well, technically his toes in the Clutching Foot's case, but you get the idea).
"Well, at least we'll hopefully get to dismember him limb-from-limb and eat him for DINNER tonight!" the Cruel Veterinarian rabidly pointed out, understandably attracting all KINDS of weird looks in the process.
"God DAMN it, you sick fuck, is that seriously all you ever fucking THINK about?!" Cajun Fox threw his arms up into the air and furiously yelled at him in truly classic "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YA FOOL" fashion.
"Besides how I could potentially turn his life into an excessively theatricalized mockery of its original self in order to make undeserved money off of it (AUTHOR'S NOTE: looking at you, Bohemian Rhapsody), I suppose so..." Benton rested his cheeks on his hands and sardonically, nihilistically admitted.
"Hmph...most valuable member of our team, my FOOT! (Yeah, our FOOT, see?) {But we ARE a foot, though...}" the Clutching Foot grouchily grumbled, mostly out of petulant jealousy that it simply didn't want to admit to.
"Yeah, MY foot...wait, WHAT?!" Eustace placed his right thumb onto his chest and proudly pointed out, then suddenly gasped in shock at the realization of just how completely out-of-place the Clutching Foot's appearance in this episode really and truly was (AUTHOR'S NOTE: at least Ball Of Revenge had the excuse that the fungus BEHIND the Clutching Foot's existence logically might have been passed on to someone else by that point in its series).
"For the record, absolutely nothing about our current predicament makes any sense whatsoever." Kitty shrugged her shoulders and flatly pointed out while her fellow villains wholeheartedly nodded their heads in agreement.
MEANWHILE, INSIDE KATZ'S BRAIN...
"Alright, now listen, Di Lung, and listen REAL good; the local doctor is already JUST about to X-ray-scan the inside of Katz's pretty little head as we speak, and if he finds me in here, then this little scheme of ours is going to immediately be ALL over just like that!" Courage pulled out his walkie-talkie from his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw and VERY hastily explained to Di Lung through it.
"Now TELL me, WHAT was the enchantment spell for turning people invisible again?" Courage frantically danced around on his tippy-toes and EXTREMELY anxiously asked Di Lung, sweating feverishly and rapidly darting his pupils back and forth to make sure that no one was watching him yet as he did so.
THIRTY STRAIGHT SECONDS OF NONSENSICAL PSEUDO-MANDARIN GIBBERISH LATER...
"Alright, THANKS, asshole!" Courage merrily, invisibly jumped for joy and gratefully-but-backhandedly complimented Di Lung, causing Di Lung to arrogantly sneer at him due to being unable to take criticism.
"Hey, you're WELCOME, ya FOOL!" Di Lung sarcastically replied as the two of them dutifully hung up.
MEANWHILE, IN DR. VINDALOO'S OPERATING ROOM...
"Now, let's see here, WHERE exactly did I leave my handheld X-ray scanner?" Dr. Vindaloo confusedly mumbled to himself, frantically digging through each drawer of his medical cart and carelessly flinging out various cartoonishly random objects that didn't even have anything to do with professional medical procedures whatsoever until FINALLY, at VERY long last, he found what he was looking for; his also-extremely-anachronistic iPad from the future (with a rather distinctively large "distributed by Di Lung" sticker haphazardly slapped right onto the back of it, no less).
"Hmm, let's see here...very interesting indeed...you have an INCREDIBLY human-like anatomical structure indeed, with generally quite healthy and well-maintained internal organs...and I can clearly tell, even from here, that your brain is indeed EXTREMELY powerful..." Dr. Vindaloo intriguedly continued mumbling to himself as he thoroughly examined Katz's inner workings from head to toe (in reverse order, naturally) using said iPad's rather disturbingly detailed and advanced X-Ray Scanner app.
"But alas, that's also exactly where the PROBLEM arises; you see, there doesn't outwardly or inwardly APPEAR to be ANYTHING actually wrong with your noggin! No sir, NOTHING AT ALL! Therefore, you are free to go, sir! Free with a guaranteed 100-percent refund!" Dr. Vindaloo relievedly pointed out, holding his iPad against his chest like a clipboard with both hands while Katz disappointedly got back up onto his foot-paws and walked back out of the room.
"Good, because you're freaking USELESS..." Katz angrily muttered to himself as he rudely slammed the door behind himself and finally rejoined his fellow villains, all of whom were very deeply relieved to see him actually act like himself again (if only for what was probably going to be a very short time at most).
A FEW MINUTES LATER, AT DR. ZALOST'S PSYCHIATRIC OFFICE RIGHT NEXT TO THE HOSPITAL...
"So tell me, what types of PTSD and/or general mental illness do you suffer from, or at least SEEM to suffer from?" Dr. Zalost sat cross-legged on his interviewing chair and curiously asked Katz, already taking multiple notes about him on his clipboard as Katz just lazily laid face-up on his designated "relaxation bed", trying desperately to figure out what to say next.
"Hmm...let's see here...well, first and foremost, I lost my parents when I was but a helpless little kitten..." Katz nervously placed his hand-paws together in prayer position, took a comically deep breath and began, "and then later on in my teen years, my closest female cousin, Kitty, became a glorified Klanswoman...and all throughout my childhood and teenhood years, I was horribly abused by nearly everyone I came across...ultimately, all of these things came together to form a grotesquely congealed mixture of clinical depression, extreme sadism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, superiority complex disorder, extreme sociopathy, general psychopathy, Arachnophilia, schizophrenia, ADHD, bipolar disorder, cynophobia-"
"So basically, FAR too many?" Dr. Zalost rather impressedly cocked his left eyebrow at Katz and annoyedly cut him off mid-monologue, already visibly struggling to keep up with everything that he was saying.
"YES..." Katz shrugged his shoulders and worriedly sighed as Dr. Zalost finally finished writing down all of the things that he had just listed, dearly hoping that Katz wasn't going to be spouting out another run-on sentence that ridiculously long any time relatively soon.
"More importantly, however, I swear to Christ that there's a FREAKING SABOTEUR IN MY SKULL RIGHT NOW AND I CAN'T FUCKING GET HIM OUT! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME, PLEASE, I'M GOING ABSOLUTELY CUCKOO-FOR-COCOA-PUFFS CRAZY HERE!" Katz calmly continued explaining, then suddenly sprung RIGHT back up onto his foot-paws and began bloodshot-eyedly screaming like an absolute maniac, hyperactively jumping all over the place, enragedly ripping the fur off of his head with both hand-paws, and animalistically wrecking nearly everything in the room (even including the TV screen that he was being displayed on, which he fiercely headbutted at full force and therefore left a HUGE crack in) as he did so.
"So tell me, how did you do?" Kitty teasingly asked Katz as he was dutifully (and quite literally) thrown right back out of the building's front door by Dr. Zalost, with a very loud(ly door-slamming) side of "AND DON'T EVER COME BACK" from him.
"Why don't you just ask this beloved hand gesture of mine...HOW I DID?!" Katz exhaustedly scraped himself back up onto his foot-paws and began calmly (albeit teasingly) asking Kitty, then suddenly furiously shrieked at her, angrily displaying his firmly outstretched right middle finger to her all the while as all of his other fellow villains began mockingly laughing and jeering at him in response.
"Well, let's just see how good you do at your freaking JOB of EXTERMINATING COURAGE, shall we?" Kitty irritatedly sneered at Katz, fiercely bitch-slapping him across the face with her left hand-paw as she did so.
"You'd better do absolutely PERFECT, you hear me?!" Katz's Inner Perfectionist placed her hands on her hips and ever-so-demandingly yelled at him, willing to accept absolutely nothing less from him.
"Okay..." Katz reluctantly sighed, hanging his poor, aching head in profound shame and ever-so-depressedly rejoining his fellow villains in Kitty's limousine as said limo then promptly took straight off en route to Courage's house (AKA the Bagge Residence) so that the plan that Katz's group had INTENDED to follow could finally commence.
"But I don't even actually harbor that many ill feelings toward him, apart from those brought about by my general PTSD-induced hatred of his species..." Katz internally thought to himself, causing Courage to ever so slightly hang his OWN head in shameful regret and self-hatred at the mere thought of what he had been doing to the poor, psychotic bastard as he forcefully dialed Katz's ever-so-slowly regenerating self-esteem all the way back down to absolute zero (where it belonged), so as not to disappoint Di Lung.
"OH YEAH, COME ON, MAKE HIM UTTERLY DESPISE HIMSELF AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE..." Di Lung excitedly moaned and cackled to himself while the crowd outside his store began to very seriously consider calling the cops; hypocritically enough, his reaction to this uprising was to yell at THEM to stop "loitering, ya fools".
MEANWHILE, IN KITTY'S LIMOUSINE...
"Um...h-HELLO, guys...how...h-how ARE things?" Katz drummed his hand-paws together and nervously, shakingly stammered as he looked around himself and saw the downright grotesque misfits that he had been surrounding himself with ever since that fateful, unknown day on which he had decided to join the Nowhere Mafia.
MEANWHILE, INSIDE KATZ'S BRAIN...
"DAMN IT! ANOTHER STUPID FIREWALL!" Courage, who had now finally become visible again, frustratedly slammed his left fist against Katz's control dashboard and yelled as he attempted to look up said day in his memory banks, only to discover that Katz had somehow password-locked THAT as well, among quite a few other memories that Courage wasn't exactly about to bribe Katz's CNSC again just to find out about, with his numerous witnessings of his cousin Kitty being violently raped by Mad Dog DEFINITELY being among those memories.
"HEY, NO FAIR! I WANT TO JERK OFF TO THAT TOO!" Di Lung shook his cum-stained right fist at his Magical MacBook and childishly whined (in response to seeing Courage frustratedly scroll right past the aforementioned firewall-blocked “rape scene” memory in Katz’s brain, naturally enough), with his nutsack already being almost literally empty from how much he had already jerked off to Courage's and Katz's magically recorded misfortune.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN KITTY'S LIMOUSINE...
"Oh, I dunno, YOU tell ME!" Kitty annoyedly glared at Katz yet again (causing him to flinch backward in his seat and audibly shiver with helpless fear at the mere sight of her admittedly soul-piercing mask) and sarcastically inquired. "So far, you've managed to ROYALLY fuck up literally EVERY possible thing about our plan...which, need I remind you, was the absolute SIMPLEST freaking plan imaginable!" she angrily ranted at Katz, throwing her arms out beside herself in yet another "seriously, what the Hell, man" gesture.
"Yeah, literally all you had to do was go straight to Courage's house and KILL him, see? (Yeah, KILL the little bitch, see?) {Uhh...who's COURAGE again?}" the Clutching Foot irritatedly reminded Katz while Katz just struggled to not violently throw up at the mere sight of said Clutching Foot and how nauseatingly, eye-searingly disgusting it was.
"And then we would mix him together with a bunch of stereotypical witch potion ingredients and boil him into what I like to call Cajun Beagle Stew! MMM, MMM, MMM!" Cajun Fox very over-enthusiastically explained, droolingly licking his lips and vigorously rubbing his loudly rumbling belly with both hand-paws as he did so.
"And just in case you alone weren't enough to take the plucky little bastard down, your oh-so-trusty FRIENDS here would also be more than willing to help out! Particularly ME with MY oh-so-trusty MALLET! OHHOHOHOHA!" Eustace evilly snickered and laughed, deviously rubbing his hands together like yet another dirty little fly at the mere thought.
"Or ME with my CHAINSAW, more preferably!" the Cruel Veterinarian cackled maliciously, pulling out said chainsaw from his right pants pocket (not to mention revving it up immediately afterward) with both hands and therefore causing even the most hardened criminals amongst the limousine's passengers to reflexively flinch backward in shock while Katz himself jumped ridiculously high in his seat and screamed like a little girl, accidentally hitting his head against the limousine's ceiling (which was actually rather high up in this case) as he did so.
"OWW..." Katz rubbed his poor, aching head with both hand-paws and effeminately whined while all of the other reindeer- I mean, villains callously pointed and laughed at him (obviously including the Cruel Veterinarian, after he had finished turning his chainsaw back off and shoving it back into his right pants pocket).
"Wow, you're somehow even more of a camp-homosexual pansy than COURAGE is, for fuck's sake! What type of movie role would YOU play, huh? The role of fucking C-3P0 in Star Wars, I presume?" Benton wiped the laughter-induced tears from his eyes with both hands and teasingly mocked Katz, still laughing his ever-loving ass off at his immensely depressed expense all the while as Katz miserably buried his face behind his hand-paws and began hopelessly, defeatedly sobbing.
"Oh, WOW, would you look at YOU and your hideously imperfect self? WORTHLESS, UGLY FREAKS!" Katz's Inner Perfectionist hatefully insulted him the literal split-second he dared to peek out from between his hand-paws and look at her; needless to say, this only caused the poor, POOR thing to cry even harder in response.
"Anyway, long story short, you'd sure as HELL better pull your damned WEIGHT around here, or else these so-called FRIENDS of yours are probably going to make it literal DEAD weight for all I care about YOUR stinking well-being! You fucking scrawny little RAT!" Eustace angrily shook his left fist and ranted at Katz as Kitty's limousine finally arrived at the Bagge residence (Muriel's, Eustace's and Courage's house, obviously), at which point Eustace and Katz listlessly disembarked from said limousine and tiredly walked over to the house's front door while the limousine itself promptly took off without another word from its passengers.
"Um, just for the record, are you SURE that Courage actually IS here right now?" Katz worriedly asked Eustace, cautiously glancing back and forth around himself so as to make sure that he and Eustace weren't being watched by any freakishly deformed monstrosities, ridiculously over-the-top stereotypes and/or whatnot.
MEANWHILE, AT DI LUNG'S INVENTION SHACK...
"HEY, ROOK AT ME, I SHO RICH AND SHMART! TOTARRY UNRIKE FAT SHTUPID AMERICANSH! OOHOOAHHHEHEHEHEEH!" Di Lung maniacally laughed as he continued sadistically watching Katz and Courage suffer on his Magical MacBook while meticulously adjusting his conical straw hat with his right hand and eating a great big flower-patterned porcelain bowl of ramen noodles with his left.
MEANWHILE, ON MARS...
"SMART? NO! PRETENTIOUS? YES!" Mr. Entron, the ever-so-mysterious trenchcoat-and-fedora-wearing Alien Brain Visitor that would later appear in "Car Broke, Phone Yes", cynically and bloodshot-eyedly sneered in a comically thick Mexican accent as he read this exact story up to this exact point on his OWN personal laptop at the local Cerebopolis Library of his hometown, already more than eager to make yet another one of his stupid "Fanfiction Failures" videos about it while all of the other giant brain monsters with tentacles for bodies that just so happened to be sitting relatively near him irritably glared at him and loudly, rudely hissed "SHH" in response.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE ENTRANCE TO COURAGE'S HOUSE...
"Of COURSE he's here, ya FOOL; he's literally inside your fricking HEAD for crying out loud! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" Eustace mockingly chuckled at Katz's expense, childishly pointing and laughing at him with his left index finger while loudly and forcefully knocking on Muriel's front door with his right fist.
"He's WHERE?!" Katz VERY tightly clutched his poor, aching head with both hand-paws and ear-splittingly shrieked at the tops of his lungs in absolutely helpless terror, freezing stone-dead in his tracks to the point where he literally became as stiff as a metal rod and could not even move at all, prompting Eustace to snickeringly grab him while he was still frozen and then deliberately place him right next to the house's front door.
"Good, Katz, BE scared...know how I feel whenever YOU come here to torture ME..." Courage sadistically cackled to himself, evilly rubbing his hand-paws together as he did so while Muriel sweetly crooned "I'm COMING, dear", leisurely strolled her way over to the house's front door and then kindly swung it right open with all of her maternal might for Eustace, knocking Katz clean over onto the patio floor as if he were a literal statue in the process.
"OWW..." Katz lifelessly groaned in pain while Muriel surprisedly glanced over at him, placed her left hand over her mouth and embarrassedly went "OOPS" in response.
"Say, Eustace, what brings sweet old Katz here THIS time, pardon my asking?" Muriel interlocked her arms into a distinctively welcoming and modest V shape between her legs and curiously asked Eustace while the grouchy old codger grabbed the still-frozen Katz sideways by his torso and begrudgingly carried him into the house's living room.
"Simple; he wants us to take CARE of him since he supposedly has nowhere else that's permanent to LIVE! Aww, we really should feel so BAD for him, SHOULDN'T we?" Eustace snidely and VERY insensitively sneered at Katz's expense as he annoyedly propped him up against the back of his signature TV-watching recliner.
"Oh, why of COURSE! What an ADORABLE, precious little kitten he is! AWW!" Muriel lovingly giggled and squealed with unbelievably pure joy, repeatedly and cloyingly mushily smooching Katz right on (various parts of) his STILL-frozen-in-shock face with her disgusting "old woman" lips while he just listlessly thought "I hate my life" to himself in response, causing Courage to begrudgingly nod his OWN head in agreement while Muriel went over into the kitchen to put the finishing touches on yet ANOTHER blueberry pie.
"Eu-Eustace?" Katz, having finally recovered from his shock-induced paralysis, nervously, stammeringly asked Eustace, his eyes still open just as widely as ever while Courage just smiled all the more widely in response.
"YEAH?" Eustace teasingly asked Katz right back with only THE most utterly despicable of shit-eating grins on his face.
"Is...is Courage REALLY inside my brain right now, controlling me like a flesh puppet?" Katz suddenly asked Eustace in Courage's exact tone of voice, causing the poor aristo-cat to horrifiedly cover his mouth with both hand-paws and anxiously twitch his eyelids in a just-BARELY-repressed manic fit of extreme paranoia.
"Yep, you'd BETTER believe it!" Courage suddenly jeered through Katz's speech-control microphone (and, by extension, Katz's mouth and vocal cords), causing Katz to actually faint onto the floor and pass out yet again in sheer disgust and disbelief while Eustace snidely pointed and laughed at the poor thing with his right index finger in response, obviously far too hyper-focused on doing so to notice Muriel walking right up behind him with her signature rolling pin clutched tightly in her left hand.
"OW, WHAT'D I DO?" Eustace callously whined as Muriel well-deservedly bonked him upside the head with said rolling pin.
"Simple; you made Katz believe something that makes about as much sense as Scientology!" Muriel placed her wrists firmly onto her hips and began frustratedly ranting at Eustace. "For Pete's sake, Courage even EXPLICITLY told me himself that he was going on vacation in Albuquerque!" she threw her arms straight up into the air and lividly reminded him.
"Oh, DID he now?" Eustace maliciously cackled to himself in response, rubbing his hands together like a dirty little fly yet again as Muriel ever-so-cluelessly returned to her kitchen duties while Katz just continued to helplessly lie comatose on the floor for quite literal lack of anything better to do.
ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, IN MURIEL'S KITCHEN, AFTER KATZ HAD FINALLY RECOVERED FROM HIS SHOCK-INDUCED COMA...
"HUH? Wh-where AM I?" Katz, who had now been placed firmly into the top-center seat of Muriel's dining table, frantically glanced back and forth, clutched the nearest edge of said table tightly with both hand-paws and nervously asked while Eustace smirkingly sat across from him and smugly warned him not to "scratch the wood".
"Why, you're in my warm, cozy KITCHEN, of course! How's about some nice, hot TEA and PIE for you and Eustace?" Muriel interlocked her arms into yet another V shape and kindly asked her new guest as she promptly carried said (blueberry) pie over to the dining table with her oven mitts (despite the fact that it had already magically cooled itself off due to cartoon logic, since after all, one can never be TOO careful) and gently set it down in the middle of said table, then returned her oven mitts back to her Tupperware cabinet, poured exactly two wholesomely flower-decorated glass mugs of raspberry hibiscus tea from her lovely, equally flower-decorated porcelain teapot, and then finally lovingly set them both right down in front of their presumable future drinkers.
"Um...n-no, trust me, I'm fine, I REALLY don't need-" Katz gently thrusted his right palm straight out in front of himself in a "back off" gesture and began embarrassedly stammering (suddenly stopping himself mid-sentence so as to avoid coming off as rude), already feeling rather excessively pampered by Muriel as she even pulled not one but TWO nice big ceramic plates from her plate cabinet and set them both down on the table for Katz and Eustace to eat off of.
"No, no, TRUST me; a growing boy like you REALLY ought to put some MEAT on those bones, ya know!" Muriel teasingly laughed at Katz's expense, causing him to irritatedly roll his eyes in response (while Eustace childishly pointed and laughed at him with his right index finger, naturally) as she pulled out a cake shovel and a pair of forks from her silverware cabinets and even went as far as to deliver THOSE directly to Eustace and Katz.
"Hey, I'M not a BOY!" Eustace finally stopped pointing and laughing at Katz so that he could slam his fists against his lap and angrily yell at Muriel, still being blissfully unaware of his own immaturity all the while.
"No, YOU'RE just a grouchy old codger with the MIND of a little boy..." Katz hatefully thought to himself, seductively sipping his scalding-hot tea and barely even feeling a thing from it as he did so.
"Alright, so let's see here; out of the eight slices that Muriel cut this baby into, two for you and FOUR for me! Fair enough?" Eustace snidely cackled, grabbing the cake shovel off of the table with his right hand and using it to scoop said numbers of eighth-sized pie slices onto his and Katz's plates while Katz just boredly rested his right cheek on his corresponding hand-paw, impatiently drummed the fingers of his left hand-paw against the tabletop, exasperatedly rolled his eyes and seethingly muttered "yeah, SURE" through clenched teeth in response.
"Anyway, I sincerely hope you two enjoy it! Ta-TA!" Muriel playfully giggled as she walked over to her refrigerator to make sure that her milk was fresh.
"So, Eustace; is there anything notably classy and/or philosophical that you would like to converse with me about?" Katz politely asked Eustace, taking yet another remarkably dainty and gentlemanly sip of his tea while Eustace just dopily smiled from ear to ear and went "NOPE" in response, much to the poor guy's chagrin.
"Oh, well in that case, I suppose WE'LL just have to shut up and- EEEEEEK! OH, DEAR GOD, MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL, HANDSOME, FAAACE! OH GOD, IT BURNS! IT BURRRNS!" Katz calmly (if not smugly) continued smooth-talking, then suddenly began shrieking at the tops of his lungs in unbearable agony as Courage took control over his arms and made him pour the entire remaining contents of his tea mug (which were a rather generous portion of boiling-hot tea, might I add) all over his "beautiful, handsome" face.
"OH LORD, SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! I'M LITERALLY NOT EVEN IN CONTROL OF MY OWN ACTIONS RIGHT NOW, AND THE CONSEQUENCES HURT SO FREAKING MUCH! WHY CAN'T ANYONE ELSE IN THIS STUPID, PRETENTIOUS SHOW NOTICE HOW MUCH THIS IS HURTING ME, IN BOTH THE PHYSICAL SENSE AND THE EMOTIONAL ONE?!" Katz began incoherently screaming and crying as Courage made him take his entire designated half of the thankfully cooled-off pie (don't worry, Muriel would have gladly allowed him to eat the two remaining slices in the pie tin) and violently, erotically smear it all over his entire naked body from head to toe, smearing an especially large amount of it onto his big, lanky penis and causing Muriel to immediately fall in wobbly-kneed, heart-eyed, arousedly gasping love at the mere sight while Eustace furiously threw his arms straight up into the air and yelled "HEY, those other two slices were supposed to be MINE" in response.
"SIGH...it appears it's just as Miss Kitty SAID..." Katz depressedly groaned, hanging both his head and his arms in downright soul-crushing shame. "I'm just an arrogant, pompous PEST that always fucks everything up...no, I'm not just an arrogant, pompous pest that always fucks everything up; I'm also a total fucking PIG..." he continued, slowly and very creepily approaching Muriel with a rather distinctly zombie-like (or, more accurately, robotic) gait as he did so.
"ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MRS. BAGGE?! IF I'M A FUCKING PIG, YOU CAN SAY SO!" Katz suddenly began maniacally shrieking at the tops of his ever-loving lungs in yet another psychotic outburst, pouncing directly onto the predictably "OH MY" spouting Muriel and violently tackling her face-up onto the kitchen floor while Eustace pervertedly snickered "oh boy, here we go again", excitedly rotated his chair directly toward the CAT-astrophic rape scene that was now transpiring between his own wife and a near-complete stranger, mockingly pulled out a nice big tub of popcorn from his left pants pocket with his corresponding hand, and then began callously eating the popcorn within said tub with his right hand as he happily watched his own SUPPOSEDLY dearly beloved wife get sexually assaulted by someone who would later become THE single most evil villain in the entire series.
"In fact, perhaps you can even STRIP yourself so, for all I care!" Katz dementedly laughed, stripping Muriel herself completely buck-naked from head to toe while Eustace, after a rather surprisingly brief second thought, followed through by tossing his entire plate (which luckily still had three-and-a-half slices left on it) straight to Katz as if it were a Frisbee; thankfully, Katz somehow miraculously managed to instinctively catch the plate with his right hand-paw while he was busy lecherously fondling Muriel's delightfully plump and juicy breasts with his left hand-paw.
"WOO HOO! BETTER THAN PRO WRESTLING!" Eustace thrusted his right fist straight up into the air and ecstatically cheered as Katz took the remaining three-and-a-half pie slices that Eustace had just given him and forcefully smeared their syrupy, sugary contents all over Muriel's mouthwateringly chubby middle-aged body with his bare, unwashed hand-paws.
"OH, SWEET HEAVENS, THIS IS GOOD!" Di Lung orgasmically moaned as Muriel and Katz lovingly licked each other's gorgeous, sugar-coated bodies from head to toe and began passionately rolling back and forth on the floor together (and believe me, when I say together, I do, in fact, mean as in LITERALLY together).
"Now THIS right HERE is what I call fresh, WARM mother's milk, let me tell you..." Katz arousedly moaned and purred as he gluttonously buried his face into Muriel's breasts and sucked them as dry as could be.
"Oh my dear LORD, what a handsomely toned physique!" Muriel flabbergastedly moaned and laughed as she lovingly stroked Katz's skinny yet firm chest with her tongue, nibbled on his long, slender legs as if they were anorexic corn cobs, and even proudly sucked the adorable little toes of his ever-so-dainty foot-paws.
"My, my, what a big, yummy PUSSY you have!" Katz playfully teased Muriel as he manually spread her fat, juicy drumstick legs apart with his hand-paws and began rigorously digging his way into her sweaty, hairy, wrinkly old vagina with his mesmerizingly long and slender tongue, daintily lapping up the female ejaculatory juices that it oozingly squirted out all the while as Muriel began orgasmically moaning and screaming like a bonafide twenty-dollar prostitute in response.
"All the better for me to lovingly fellate the smoking-hot summer SAUSAGE of, my dear friend!" Muriel ecstatically teased Katz as she got down onto her knees and excitedly began thrusting the now upright-standing Katz's mouthwateringly soft, tender and bright-red penis into her astonishingly spacious and moist mouth (that also was positively FULL of sugar and garlic residue and hadn't been brushed in the past two days), thoroughly licking and sucking it from top to bottom as she did so.
"I honestly have no idea why I'm letting you do this to me...but if nothing else, I simply MUST say...that I have absolutely NO regrets!" Katz bald-facedly lied in-between his orgasmic moans as his violently throbbing, firmly erect penis finally climaxed, shooting the absolute warmest, stickiest load of his entire life straight down Muriel's throat in the process while he just rabidly rolled his eyes all the way back into his skull and passed out onto the floor yet again (head-over-heels in this case, obviously) from sheer overexertion (not to mention infatuation) in response.
"Now THAT'S what I call one HORNY guest! OH MY!" Muriel blushingly placed her right hand over her mouth and worriedly gasped in shock as she saw just how truly lifelessly (not to mention happily) Katz had collapsed onto the floor from how deathly hard the blissfully naive old lady had just made him ejaculate.
"Now THAT'S what I call one SHAMEFUL fap!" Eustace evilly cackled, carelessly tossing his popcorn tub behind himself with both hands as he then proceeded to grab Katz by the ankles and forcefully drag him downstairs into the Bagge Residence's basement, which he was then promptly locked into by Eustace until further notice.
"TEE HEE HEE! THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!" Courage merrily giggled as he continued unwelcomely manning the central control cockpit of Katz's brain, absolutely despising himself for doing so yet still being completely unable to stop due to just how much unbelievably hilarious and exhilarating fun it was for him.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, IN THE BAGGE RESIDENCE'S BASEMENT, AFTER KATZ HAD FINALLY WOKEN BACK UP...
"SIGH...what's the point of even living in the first place if this type of deranged nonsense is all that's ever going to happen to me...I might as well just commit hara-kiri on myself, for all I care at this point..." Katz depressedly curled up into yet another upright fetal position on the dank, featureless floor of the house's basement, rested his cheeks on his corresponding hand-paws and grimly thought to himself, causing Courage to once again feel ever-so-slightly bad for him...but still not nearly bad enough so as to enable him to resist the maddeningly unstoppable urge to blatantly TORTURE him from the inside out for the pure, sadistic sake of it, of course!
"Hmm...you know WHAT, Katz? I think I've got JUST the thing for you!" Courage maliciously cackled to himself as, using the list of local villain phone numbers on "his" cell phone as a point of reference, he suddenly mind-controlled Katz into sending a group text message to all of the other villains whom he had met up with at the Empress State Building, which read exactly as follows: "I am a depressed piece of shit that needs to die ASAP; please come over to Courage's house and help me do so".
"OH, NO...NO NO NO NO NO...OH DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME..." Katz, who was now completely unable to delete said message, hopelessly shoved "his" cell phone back into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw and then immediately proceeded to meekly whimper and cry in sideways fetal position on the floor as he horrifiedly awaited his fellow villains' arrival at the house while Courage just sadistically laughed at his soul-crushingly, somehow increasingly intense misfortune all the while.
ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER...
"Alright, guys, we're HERE!" Kitty excitedly informed her fellow villains from the Bad Guys Anonymous meeting that Katz had attended (not to mention horribly botched) earlier (not counting the Perfectionist, since she wasn't actually there; also not counting Eustace, since he was already in the house) as her limousine ominously pulled right back up into the Bagge Residence's basically nonexistent front yard.
"Just a word of advice, though; only TWO villains are allowed to torture him at a time, comprende? TWO!" Kitty worriedly explained to her fellow villains, making a "two" sign with her left index and middle fingers for emphasis while said fellow villains reluctantly nodded their heads in unanimous agreement.
"Well, alrighty then, I suppose I'll go first..." Kitty self-loathingly sighed as she listlessly shambled her way out of her limousine and into the house itself, already instinctively knowing exactly who both she and all of the other villains in her collective group were going to team up with just from looking at them.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, IN THE BAGGE RESIDENCE'S BATHROOM...
"Alright, Katz, last call: DID you or did you NOT rape my wife just a little while ago?" Eustace, who was now wearing (nothing but) a good old-fashioned bondage suit and holding a CAT-o-nine-tails whip in each of his hands, threateningly asked Katz in an extremely guttural and angry-sounding voice, cracking his whips for emphasis while Katz, who was once again helplessly curled up into upright fetal position against the side of the bathtub, helplessly whimpered and cried "YES; YES, I DID" in response.
"WELL then, TELL me, dear cousin; would you like to KNOW, firsthand, what ME getting raped by Mad Dog felt like to ME?" Kitty, who was now completely naked save for her mask, her (ball-crushing stiletto) high heels and the already blood-stained metal baseball bats that she was dual-wielding with her hand-paws, fiercely growled at Katz, lifting up her right foot-paw and dominatingly readying herself to bring it crashing down, heel-spike-first, RIGHT onto Katz's ever-so-precious little crotch.
"Um...n-n-n-NO?" Katz pathetically stammered, laying himself face-up on the floor in a classic "Jesus Christ on the Cross" pose and internally praying to God that he would survive what was coming to him.
ROUGHLY TEN SECONDS LATER...
"Aww, what's the matter, my precious little Katz darling? Did my pie have a bit too much dietary FIBER in it, perhaps?" Muriel gleefully strolled over to the bathroom's tightly locked door and ever-so-adorably-obliviously asked Katz as he began blood-curdlingly shrieking his ever-loving head off from behind said door, presumably in yet more unbelievably agonizing pain.
"OOHOOHOOHOOHOO!" Courage humiliatedly blushed and giggled at his (hopefully) thoroughly disgusted audience, hastily covering his firmly erect, vigorously stroked penis with both hand-paws and devilishly grinning from ear to ear (complete with yet another immensely proud display of his hideously rotten teeth, naturally) as he did so.
ONE ROUND TRIP TO AND FROM THE LOCAL HOSPITAL FOR KATZ LATER, BACK IN THE BAGGE RESIDENCE'S BASEMENT...
"Yeah, come on, WORSHIP that son of a bitch!" Benton shook his left fist and arousedly laughed at Katz, eagerly filming his downright miserable suffering through a tripod-mounted digital video camera for his own fetishistic amusement while the poor cat bastard was green-facedly, weepingly forced (with the help of Courage's mind control of him, naturally) to thoroughly lick the Clutching Foot's fungal-slime-oozing bare sole from the heel all the way up to the toes, causing said grotesquely deformed and imposingly ginormous foot to erotically twitch and giggle in response while Katz actually developed a literal brain hemorrhage from how truly awful it smelled...much to Courage's desperately thirsty delight, as one might expect!
"MMM, YUMMY! TASTES LIKE COPPER!" Courage merrily laughed as he excitedly climbed onto the inner wall of Katz's left hemisphere using his "sticky appendages" enchantment and then promptly began daintily (not to mention VERY unsanitarily) lapping up the fresh, warm blood that was now leaking from several of its cerebral vessels with his filthy, slimy tongue, loudly and lovingly moaning with pleasure as he did so.
"Now go ahead and CRUSH that smart-ass son of a bitch like the pathetic little insect he is! YEAH!" Benton pointed assertively at Katz with his left index finger and demandingly encouraged the Clutching Foot, which then proceeded to bring the entirety of its aforementioned sole crashing down atop him, then mercilessly squish him in-between its toes, then finally use its aforementioned sole to EXTREMELY painfully roll him against the concrete floor of the basement like a rolling pin.
"Now THIS is the type of thing that I really WISH more of my fellow directors would put into THEIR movies, let me tell ya..." Benton satisfiedly muttered to himself as the scene FINALLY ended.
"WHY...WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME..." Katz cartoonishly yet lifelessly scraped his beaten, battered, double-bloodshot-black-eyed, bloody-nosed body off of the aforementioned concrete floor of the basement and exhaustedly choked, coughed (blood) and rasped through several broken ribs, pathetically crawling his way over to Benton with what remarkably little energy he had left before finally collapsing (seemingly) dead onto the basement floor while Benton just tossed his arms out beside himself in a "Hell if I care" gesture and sarcastically muttered "eh, that's showbiz for ya" to himself underneath his breath in response.
"Simple; ya didn't tell us whether Muriel looked like a slutty hooker BITCH or not, see? (Yeah, you only told us that she was old and fat, see?) {DURR...what movie is this referencing again?}" the Clutching Foot frustratedly reminded Katz, literally kicking him in the ass so hard that it sent him flying across the room just to add even further insult to his injuries.
ONE EXTREMELY LONG MOUTH-WASHING SESSION AND ONE CARTOON-LOGIC-POWERED AUTOMATIC INJURY REGENERATION ON KATZ'S PART LATER, IN THE BAGGE RESIDENCE'S BASICALLY NONEXISTENT BACKYARD...
"Alright, now let's see here...WHAT exactly were the meat ingredients for my prize-winning, totally-not-blatantly-stolen-from-someone-else Cajun Cat-Penis Stew recipe again?" Cajun Fox curiously wondered out loud to himself, stirring the massive, campfire-heated pot of extremely over-seasoned broth that now stood before him with his insanely huge wooden ladle (that he was holding with both hand-paws, naturally) while meticulously eyeball-scanning over said recipe's corresponding pages of the comically massive recipe book that the Cruel Veterinarian was now holding out in front of HIM-self with both of HIS hands (so that it would stay open, of course) over to the right of him while Katz horrifiedly, tremblingly, wobbly-leggedly stood and waited for his imminent almost-certain death over to the left of the quite literal sly fox.
"Ah, yes...to give the broth its intended flavor, I'm gonna need to add a whole damned LADLE-spoon of HORSE testicles...exactly five fresh, blood-soaked MONKEY brains...precisely seven freshly sawed-off dog noses...a whole TWO HUNDRED METERS' worth of WHALE intestines...one nice big ELEPHANT heart, courtesy of PETA...and of course, last but not least, one CUTE little cleanly cut-off CAT penis!" Cajun Fox began WAY over-enthusiastically listing off the remaining ingredients for his cartoonishly unhealthy recipe in his trademarked hilariously-thick (not to mention fake) "black guy from Louisiana" accent as he passed his ladle over to the Cruel Veterinarian (who had just set Cajun Fox's recipe book back down onto the horribly desolate and infertile ground due to him no longer needing it, naturally enough) and then proceeded to VERY unsanitarily scoop said ingredients out of the insanely large and bloody garbage bag that the Cruel Veterinarian had set down onto the ground behind him just a few minutes ago and then carelessly hurl them right into the pot with his bare, blood-soaked hand-paws.
"WHAAAT?!" Cajun Fox suddenly threw his blood-dripping arms straight up into the air, looked straight up to the heavens and ear-splittingly shrieked at the tops of his ever-loving lungs, causing both Katz and the Cruel Veterinarian alike to startledly flinch backward in surprise. "I ain't GOT one of them!" he frustratedly pointed out, glaring intently at Katz and teasingly licking his lips with only the most blatantly dick-removal-involving of intentions.
"Um...w-well, actually, you see," Katz drummed his hand-paws together and began nervously stammering while Cajun Fox just impatiently placed his own hand-paws onto his hips and annoyedly rolled his eyes in response, "your OWN species technically IS at least somewhat related to-"
"Oh, excuses, EXCUSES!" Cajun Fox slapped Katz (literally) RIGHT across the face with his left hand-paw and furiously yelled at him while Courage placed both hand-paws over his mouth and ever-so-delightfully-amusedly giggled in response.
"Why, I'll chase you around the freaking WORLD if I have to, ya stupid son of a bitch!" Cajun Fox impatiently yanked out his terrifyingly large butcher knife from his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw and angrily threatened Katz while the poor cat bastard leapt two whole feet into the air, screamed his head off (although thankfully not literally this time), and then IMMEDIATELY took off running as fast as his scrawny little legs could carry him in response.
"YOU THINK I'M KIDDING, MOTHERFUCKER?!" Cajun Fox maniacally shrieked at Katz as he began literally chasing him around the entire world in truly classic over-the-top slapstick cartoon fashion, never letting up for even one measly second.
ONE CARTOON-LOGIC-POWERED TELEPORTATION OF CAJUN FOX AND KATZ INTO FRANCE LATER...
"Allow me, la greatest chef een all of FRONCE, to proud-lee present you wiv- OH, DAIR DIEU, EET EEZ RUINED! MON LIFE'S WAIRK! HOW DARE ZEY?! AI SURRENDAIR! AI SURRENDAIR!" the rather arrogantly self-proclaimed "greatest chef in all of France" proudly announced as he eagerly readied himself to present the "incroyably" massive audience that he had just gathered around himself at the base of "zee" Eiffel Tower with his beautifully thick and rectangular new feasting-table-sized recipe for "(Snail And Frog Leg Quiche With Extra Cheese)"...then suddenly horrifiedly clutched his head with both hands and began screaming Bloody Mary as Cajun Fox suddenly chased Katz right across said feasting table, with the two of them horrifically trampling said dish with their bare, unwashed, sweaty foot-paws and thus revoltingly splattering its (quite frankly already rather revolting) contents all over the place in the process.
MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE CHEF'S HAT...
"Qu'est-ce que c'est?" an inexplicably shrunken-down-to-rat-size Le Quack briefly refrained from tugging on the hair of "France's Greatest Chef" to bewilderedly and very, VERY angrily ask his new flesh puppet.
ONE CARTOON-LOGIC-POWERED TELEPORTATION OF CAJUN FOX AND KATZ INTO RUSSIA LATER...
"God DAMN it, why is everyone so toxically MASCULINE around here?" Katz exasperatedly threw his arms out beside himself and groaned as Cajun Fox chased him through an extremely busy and industrialized urban district of Moscow, with the two of them horrifiedly ducking, bobbing and weaving their way past several blatantly drunk drivers' vehicles, numerous lethally-forcefully thrown liquor bottles from angry housewives who were almost as muscular as the local men, multiple high-powered-firearm-involving gang wars erupting in the middle of the streets, a fully-grown wild grizzly bear that had just been thrown directly at them by a local iron-weight wrestler with the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and even a malfunctioning mini-nuke missile on their way through said district.
"I dunno, man, why don't you try asking the WEATHER around here?" Cajun Fox shiveringly crossed his arms over his bare, freezing chest and sarcastically pointed out, ironically neglecting to watch where he was going as he did so.
"You were SAYING?" the equally naked and freezing Katz sassily placed his hand-paws onto his hips and smugly quipped at Cajun Fox's expense as the poor psychopath accidentally tripped and fell into a local swimming-pool-sized water fountain, becoming cartoonishly frozen into a giant knife-wielding-fox-housing ice cube as a result.
ONE CARTOON-LOGIC-POWERED TELEPORTATION OF CAJUN FOX AND KATZ INTO CHINA LATER...
"Hey, come BACK here, you damned CHICKEN-CHOKER!" Cajun Fox furiously yelled at Katz as he chased him across an incredibly busy street market loaded with positively overflowing produce tents, insanely brightly-colored Oriental decorations, seafood buckets, bicycle riders, freakishly skinny people, and even actual, literal chicken chokers (who secretly took great offense to what Cajun Fox had just said) galore.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YA FOOLS!" Di Lung's actual present self (at the time in which this story took place, as in basically the year 1994) hurriedly, college-backpack-burdenedly whooshed right past Cajun Fox and Katz on his bicycle and yelled angrily at them while shaking his right fist straight up in the air for emphasis...only to then accidentally ram said bicycle straight into a MASSIVE road pothole that he was apparently being too stuck-up and generally arrogant to notice, flipping the bike in question a whopping 180 degrees onto the pavement and screamingly catapulting himself several feet into the air as a result.
ONE CARTOON-LOGIC-POWERED TELEPORTATION OF CAJUN FOX AND KATZ BACK TO EXACTLY WHERE THEY HAD STARTED IN NOWHERE LATER...
"Sweet JEE-YEY-ZUSS, that was exhausting!" Cajun Fox tiredly panted and sighed, wiping the sweat off of his forehead with his left hand-paw while Katz just snidely smirked at him in response.
"And do tell me, young psycho killer; what exactly DID you GET out of it, per se?" Katz (mind-controlledly) wrapped his right arm around Cajun Fox's back, gently placed his right hand-paw onto the fox's right shoulder and smugly asked him, causing Cajun Fox's eyes to suddenly twinkle in classic "anime character sensing an opportunity to do something" fashion as he devilishly grinned from ear to ear.
"THIS, you pretentious freaking idiot!" Cajun Fox mockingly scolded Katz for his newfound incompetence, swinging his butcher knife straight down into the unsuspecting gentleman's crotch area and cleanly chopping his ever-so-dearly-beloved little penis RIGHT off!
"OWIEEEEEE!" Katz pathetically squealed like a little girl, tightly clutching his now-literally-dickless crotch with both hand-paws and feebly bending his scrawny little knees together while Cajun Fox shoved his butcher knife back into his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw, grabbed said penis off of the ground with his left hand-paw, dusted it off with his right hand-paw, lovingly kissed it right on the tip with his lecherous Louisiana lips, and then FINALLY triumphantly hurled it straight into his cooking pot with both hand-paws, trying SERIOUSLY hard not to roll ON the ground and hysterically cry and scream with laughter at Katz's expense all the while.
"Don't forget THIS instrument of wonderful torture, my friend!" the Cruel Veterinarian VERY over-excitedly reminded Cajun Fox, passing his ladle back to him so that he could finally begin adding his signature finishing touches to his "wonderful" stew.
"AHH, yes; now my recipe is FINALLY complete once and for ALL!" Cajun Fox overjoyedly exclaimed as he excitedly stirred Katz's schlong into his aptly-named Cajun Cat-Penis Stew with said ladle, causing said stew to become a distinctly neon-orange color that was sure to leave every single one of the Nowhere Cooking Contest judges begging for more.
"DO TELL ME, Katz, how do YOU feel about the fact that YOUR suffering is now fueling MY imminent success?" Cajun Fox sassily placed his hand-paws onto his hips and ever-so-infuriatingly-arrogantly asked poor, POOR Katz, who was STILL busy recovering from the sheer amount of genital pain that the fox had just inflicted upon him as said fox spoke.
"LIKE...LIKE MY CROTCH IS...IS ABOUT TO BE...BECOME INFECTED..." Katz meekly whimpered and sobbed, almost in too much pain (of both the physical AND emotional varieties, no less) to even be able to speak as he continued clutching said crotch with both hand-paws and helplessly, shiveringly rocked back and forth on the ground in sideways fetal position, internally wishing death upon himself all the while.
"Oh, BOO HOO!" Courage callously laughed as he grabbed Katz's speech-control microphone with his right hand-paw and eagerly cleared his throat while Katz himself nervously thought "here we go again" to himself, causing Courage to maliciously cackle at his extremely unfortunate expense all the more.
"Cruel Vet, you have to listen, PLEASE!" Katz desperately (not to mention mind-controlledly) sprung right back up onto his foot-paws, lunged straight at the Cruel Veterinarian, grabbed him tightly by the shoulders and began inelegantly begging him in Courage's almost-exact tone of voice.
"Please cut my poor little brain open and see what's going on in there, PLEASE, I'm BEGGING you!" Katz flopped down onto his belly, grabbed onto the Cruel Veterinarian's ankles with his hand-paws and devastatedly screamed and cried at him in Courage's ACTUAL exact tone of voice, suddenly causing Cajun Fox to realize EXACTLY what was going on in the poor thing's head!
"Hmm...you know WHAT? On second thought, before I leave, there's just ONE more very important thing I'd like to add!" Cajun Fox assertively pointed his right index finger straight up into the air and informatively announced, leaning very deliberately toward the Cruel Veterinarian's left ear so that he could ever-so-shadily whisper into it.
"He wants you to cut his head open because COURAGE is in there!" Cajun Fox nervously whispered into the Cruel Veterinarian's left ear before then immediately proceeding to hyperactively bolt right off to the aforementioned Nowhere Cooking Contest just across the nearest street from the Bagge Residence without even so much as a sodding handshake (let alone another word), pushing his incredibly massive stew pot along with him (luckily, it was secretly sitting atop a massive metal dolly that the main "platform" part of had purposefully been modified into having the design pattern of an old-fashioned grill grate, just in case you might have been wondering).
"Alright, you smug feline bastard, you've got some SERIOUS explaining to do!" the Cruel Veterinarian angrily scolded Katz, grabbing him tightly by the neck with his left hand and forcefully dragging him back into the Bagge Residence so that he could...AHEM...operate on him down in said house's basement.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, DOWN IN SAID BASEMENT...
"Oh, COME ON; what do you MEAN, I can only magically turn myself invisible as an insultingly blatant plot-armor device TWICE per episode?" Courage ungratefully whined as he and Di Lung had yet another brief but very important chat with each other using their walkie-talkies.
"For crying out loud, how freaking implausible and contrived do you want this stupid show to BE, ya no-good-ass dog? FIGURE WAY OUT OF PROBLEM YOURSELF FOR ONCE, WHY NOT? STOP HIDING ALREADY, YA DAMN COWARD!" Di Lung frustratedly scolded Courage, actually making a rather surprisingly valid and non-selfish point for once as the two of them both angrily hung up their walkie-talkies, shoved them back into their right pockets (or the right side of "his personal Hammerspace" in Courage's case, obviously) with their corresponding arms, and then grumpily crossed their arms over their chests.
"OKAY, then! JEEZ!" Courage rolled his eyes and annoyedly sighed.
"So...any famous last WORDS before I, ahem, DELVE INTO this CUNNING MIND of yours?" the Cruel Veterinarian smugly, snidely asked Katz, whom he had just crudely chained up face-up atop the basement's (also wooden) secondary dining table by his hand-paws and foot-paws (keeping his head propped up by threatening to viciously saw it RIGHT off of his scrawny little neck if he even dared to NOT keep it propped up, naturally), as he threateningly brandished his hacksaw with both hands and intently gazed down upon the "lovingly precise" dotted line that he had just recently drawn around the outermost rim of the poor kitten's upper cranium using a magic marker.
"PLEASE...DON'T...KILL ME..." Katz desperately begged him, with Courage using his speech-control microphone to manually add in the "DON'T" part (actually HELPING Katz for once, shockingly enough).
"Oh, come on, RELAX, man; we both know very well that COURAGE'S the TARGET here!" the Cruel Veterinarian paper-thinly reassured Katz, sarcastically patting the poor thing right on the head with his left hand as he WAY over-excitedly readied himself to saw the entire top part clean off of Katz's skull.
SEVERAL BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAMS AND MANY, MANY PAIN-INDUCED TEARS FROM POOR, POOR KATZ LATER...
"Now that THAT'S over with, let's see what that little brain of yours is HIDING, shall we?" the Cruel Veterinarian sadistically chuckled, carelessly tossing his hacksaw behind himself with his left hand as he intently leaned toward the table-shakingly horrified Katz's now-freakishly-exposed brain and maliciously wiggled his (bare) fingers in the general direction of said brain with ever-so-sadistic delight.
"AHH...WHAT HAVE WE HERE?" the Cruel Veterinarian smugly laughed as he violently, bloodily pulled the gap between Katz's left and right hemispheres WIDE open with his bare, unwashed hands, rendering the poor thing completely unconscious yet again and revealing...absolutely nothing to see inside the poor thing's brain whatsoever? (For the record, Courage was actually hiding on the ceiling of Katz's right hemisphere using his "sticky appendages" enchantment, eagerly waiting for a suitable opportunity to strike.)
"HUH? That's not right...that CAN'T be right!" the Cruel Veterinarian infuriatedly yelled in a fit of rage, ferociously digging into Katz's brain with his increasingly bloody bare hands while Courage sneakily slipped out of said brain through the massive opening that the so-called "doctor" had just left in the top of it and, just for irony's sake, used his butterfly wings to fly directly around the back of said "doctor's" head into his blissfully unsuspecting left ear!
"HMPH! Let's see how YOU like having the inside of your head operated on by a sadistic, bloodthirsty maniac's BARE FUCKING HANDS!" Courage ferociously roared in absolute disgust as he quickly, uncompromisingly zipped his way straight through the "doctor's" repulsively waxy and hairy ear canal, straight to his ever-so-preciously-delicate little eardrum!
"ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!" Courage yelled with a flaming passion as, briefly transforming his hand-paws into giant human fists, he rapid-fire-punched the "doctor's" eardrum at the literal speed of sound (if not that of LIGHT), graphically shattering it into countless bloody pieces in glorious anime slow-motion as said "doctor" helplessly collapsed onto his knees, tightly clutched his aching head with both hands, and left-ear-bleedingly whimpered and screamed in EXTREMELY well-deserved agony.
"Now let's see what the optimal route through a STANDARD human inner ear is, SHALL we?" Courage hatefully (not to mention literally) spat into the "doctor's" eustachian tube, pulling out "his" cell phone from his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw and then ever-so-excitedly using its enchanted GPS app to rapidly navigate his way through said "doctor's" semicircular canals and cochlea, once again causing the person whose ear he was traveling through to dizzily stumble back and forth in the process, until FINALLY, at VERY long last, Courage reached the thing that he had REALLY been wanting to violently lobotomize from the inside out all this time...the Cruel Veterinarian's brain!
"Alright, that's it, NO more fucking around! If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it RIGHT!" Courage shoved "his" cell phone back into his personal Hammerspace using his left hand-paw and angrily growled, flying straight up onto the very, very top of the right-hemisphere portion of the parietal lobe of the "doctor's" mouthwateringly fleshy, wrinkly and throbbing brain, furiously swinging its entrance hatch RIGHT open with all of his might (not to mention both of his hand-paws), and then ever-so-beautifully swan-diving right through said hatch while it once again automatically closed itself behind him in response.
"Alright, you son of a bitch, I've got you now!" Courage seethingly growled as he flew straight down into the "doctor's" temporal lobe and then frantically (and of course, barefootedly, just to make things even sexier) sprinted his way straight forward through said "doctor's" ever-so-delightfully spongy and cushiony gray matter into his frontal lobe, where his obligatory Central Nervous Super-Computer was ever-so-wonderfully-conveniently located, so that he could FINALLY take his rightful seat in said CNSC's piloting chair!
"Oh, but wait, there's MORE!" Courage rolled his eyes, threw his arms out beside himself and exasperatedly, sarcastically groaned as he frantically, desperately attempted to log himself into the Cruel Veterinarian's CNSC, only to find himself quickly running into yet ANOTHER accursed password screen upon doing so!
"HMM...let's see how easily I can get the human mind to BREAK..." Courage grimly cackled to himself as he pulled "his" cell phone back out of his personal Hammerspace using his left hand-paw and curiously began scrolling through its contact list until, surely enough, he found the Cruel Veterinarian listed on it.
"HUH? Who could possibly be calling someone like ME at THIS hour?" the Cruel Veterinarian got back up onto his feet and confusedly wondered out loud, scratching his head with his left hand while digging his cell phone out of his right pants pocket with his corresponding hand and reluctantly answering it (despite how admittedly weirded-out he was when he noticed that, according to said phone, the call was apparently coming from someone who was supposed to effectively be DEAD at the moment due to what the Cruel Veterinarian had just done to him).
"Um...HELLO? Who's this?" the Cruel Veterinarian nervously asked, his knees quivering with fear as he did so while Courage just maliciously cackled and VERY ominously cleared his throat in response.
"Oh, HEY there, Mr. Guy Who Sent My Fucking Parents Into Space When I Was Just A Wee Baby; how ARE things?" Courage venomously, seethingly asked the Cruel Veterinarian through "his" cell phone, already seriously struggling to resist the urge to literally rip the sadistic bastard's entire brain apart from the inside out with his OWN bare hands (well, technically hand-PAWS, but either way, you get the idea) while the Cruel Veterinarian just callously wondered why Courage treated "that event" as such a big deal.
"Oh, you know, the usual; I've got someone inside my fucking BRAIN right now, and I'm definitely more than assuming that that someone is trying to KILL me! Why, it's an absolute fucking BLAST, I can ASSURE you!" the Cruel Veterinarian just-AS-sarcastically-and-mockingly replied, tremblingly chattering his teeth and chewing the fingernails of his left hand in ever-so-cathartically helpless fright.
"Wait a minute...that someone is YOU, isn't it?" the Cruel Veterinarian suddenly realized, his skin turning deathly pale at the mere thought of what someone who was as immeasurably angry at him as Courage was could potentially end up doing to such a horrifyingly fragile part of his body if provoked any further.
"CORRECT-A-MUNDO, MOTHERFUCKER!" Courage threw his arms up into the air, gazed straight up to the heavens and maniacally laughed in classic super-villain fashion, clearly enjoying himself WAY too much for anything even remotely resembling comfort as he did so.
"Now you'd DAMNED better give me this Central Nervous Super-Computer log-in password of yours, or else you are going to be in some AWFULLY deep shit, let me TELL you!" Courage ever-so-seethingly wagged his right index finger and intimidatingly growled at the Cruel Veterinarian, who audibly gulped and quite nearly wet himself in response.
"L-Like w-w-WHAT, p-p-p-pardon m-my asking?" the Cruel Veterinarian tightly clutched his head with his left hand and fearfully, tremblingly stammered.
"Oh, I dunno; does RIPPING YOUR ENTIRE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM APART FROM THE INSIDE OUT WITH MY BARE FUCKING HANDS ring a bell, perhaps?" Courage teasingly asked the Cruel Veterinarian in a rather disturbingly nonchalant manner, boredly checking his right hand-paw for hang-claws just to add to his already royalty-grade smugness.
"OKAY, OKAY, I GIVE UP! MY PASSWORD IS 2384796213! JUST PLEASE DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE!" the Cruel Veterinarian put his hands together into prayer position and desperately screamed and begged like a dog, collapsing right back down onto his knees and breaking down into a maniacal fit of hysterical crying and sobbing while Courage reflexively dialed each number of said password with his right middle finger as the Cruel Veterinarian listed them, having easily THE most wonderfully shit-eating grin of his entire life plastered all across his deceptively adorable little puppy face as he did so.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to HURT you; I'm just going to put you to SLEEP!" Courage teasingly laughed, hanging up "his" cell phone and then immediately shoving it right back into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw as he ever-so-eagerly searched the Start menu of the Cruel Veterinarian's CNSC for his Shut Down command.
"HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!" Courage uproariously, triumphantly chortled with delight as he finally located said command, eagerly clicking it with both middle fingers and then cathartically watching as the Cruel Veterinarian anti-climactically fainted into unconsciousness as if nothing had ever even happened in the first place.
Satisfied that all was well (except for Katz himself, obviously, especially after how undeniably MASSIVE of a mental toll both Courage's actions and those of his own fellow villains had taken on him), Courage, thankfully without another word, flew right back out of the Cruel Veterinarian's head through his nasty, slimy nose and then proceeded to fly straight into his left pants pocket, in which he luckily found a duplicate of Di Lung's Grink Ray (that even MORE luckily automatically shrank to match his insect size at the moment when he grabbed it with his right hand-paw).
"Alright, that's it, NO more being stuck inside other people's brains for me! I am officially FREE now, both physically AND spiritually!" Courage merrily chuckled as he flew right back out of the Cruel Veterinarian's left pants pocket, switched the Grink Ray's function to "GROW" with his left hand-paw, then eagerly fired it directly at his forehead, causing both him and the Grink Ray itself to FINALLY grow back to their normal sizes once and for all.
"Hey, Courage can't break my contract! That is CHEATING!" Di Lung bitterly snarled, instantly erasing every single one of the enchantments that he had bestowed upon both Courage himself and the phone that said dog had sneakily stolen from Katz with a mere snap of his right hand's freakishly bony fingers.
"Oh, HA HA, very FUNNY, writers, I get it; now that I've finally shown genuine COURAGE, I no longer NEED any of those fancy magical powers I had before! REALLY freaking clever, guys!" Courage rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulders, exhaustedly glared straight at his audience, shoved the Grink Ray into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw, and (most importantly) VERY sarcastically "complimented" his show's writers for the EXTREMELY un-subtle message that they had just worked into the episode's plot as his butterfly wings (along with the whole "sticky appendages" thing that Di Lung had also bestowed upon him) immediately vanished from his body without even the slightest hint of a trace.
"Anyway, time to take out the trash and fix that poor Katz bastard's brain, I suppose..." Courage depressedly sighed, digging out a general anesthetic pill bottle, a squeezable superglue bottle and a weapons-grade stapler from the now-thankfully-unconscious Cruel Veterinarian's pants pockets and then immediately setting said objects down atop the secondary dining table (right next to where Katz's chained-up, comatose body was lifelessly lying atop said table, obviously) before finally grabbing him by his ankles and exhaustingly dragging him up the back staircase to the basement's emergency entrance hatch so that he could then toss him into the Bagge Residence's backyard dumpster and then eagerly wait for Nowhere's evening-shift garbage collectors to take care of him themselves, preferably by sending him to the local police and, from there, maximum-security prison.
"Alright, now that I've finally got this quintessential British douchebag all to myself, I'd say it's about time that I played doctor MYSELF!" Courage smugly chuckled as he somewhat worriedly went back down the entrance-hatch staircase into his basement, beginning his hilariously unrealistic surgical procedure (that he didn't even bother to actually dress himself up as a licensed doctor for the purpose of, naturally enough) by energetically leaping straight up onto the top of said basement's dining table, then respectively grabbing and opening "his" general anesthetic pill bottle with his right and left hand-paws.
"Now, now, Katz, don't forget to say AHH!" Courage amusedly giggled at the incredibly ironic sight of Katz's dopily cross-eyed and hanging-tongued face as he gleefully forced the poor thing's mouth open with his left hand-paw, then shoved exactly five general anesthetic pills straight down his throat with his right hand-paw, rendering Katz completely unconscious (even WITH his brain fixed) for what Courage sincerely hoped was at least the following five minutes or so.
"Man, it sure is too bad that my DICK glue isn't strong enough to handle this!" Courage humiliatedly, stiff-penised-ly chuckled in retrospect as, after re-closing the general anesthetic pill bottle, he grabbed "his" superglue bottle off of the tabletop with his right hand-paw, opened its cap with his left hand-paw, then finally pointed it straight into Katz's noggin and lovingly squeezed/smeared its gooey, sticky contents all over the tender, bleeding sides of the blissfully unaware aristo-cat's recently expanded (to say the least) cerebral hemisphere gap before then gently setting "his" superglue bottle back down onto the table and then even-more-gently squishing the left and right hemispheres of Katz's brain back together with both hand-paws, letting the superglue's extremely powerful adhesive strength handle the rest.
"I'm REALLY gonna miss you, ya wrinkly little thing, you know that?" Courage lovingly whispered into Katz's beautifully British brain, erotically (not to mention EXTREMELY unsanitarily) licking up and down its aforementioned hemisphere gap with his slimy, nasty dog tongue as his way of romantically saying goodbye to it (and also, somewhat less importantly, as a way of adding extra stickiness to the already exceptionally adhesive superglue that was now holding it together).
"But alas, it appears that being permanently sheltered from the rest of society is pretty much the only way in which you will EVER realistically be able to function, so ta-ta to YOU, good sir!" Courage intentionally-hypocritically dismissed Katz's brain as he finally, last but not least, jumped back down onto the floor and grabbed the top part of Katz's skull off of it with both hand-paws, then jumped right back up onto the tabletop and fervently slapped said top part right back onto Katz's skull with much of the same.
"Remember, kiddos; do NOT try this in real life!" Courage suddenly turned directly toward his audience and left-index-finger-waggingly warned them as he then proceeded to rather nervously grab "his" stapler off of the tabletop with his left hand-paw, open it up with his right hand-paw, and then finally use it to violently-but-carefully nail a rather discomfortingly large number of staples directly into (the massive 360-degree scar that had formerly been separating the top part from the rest of) Katz's bare, bloody cranium.
"Alright, now I just need to VERY QUICKLY get out of here before he wakes up and sees me!" Courage horrifiedly thought to himself, hastily stuffing the makeshift medical supplies that he had just stolen from the Cruel Veterinarian into the basement's main storage cabinet and then frantically running straight back up the basement's main stairway into the Bagge Residence's first-floor area (and from there, straight up ITS staircase into said house's attic, which he then VERY tightly locked the door to behind himself), miraculously not being noticed by Eustace or Muriel in the process (since they were both extremely busy arguing with each other about whether or not anchovies were a good pizza topping over in their kitchen; apparently far TOO busy, in fact, to even be able to hear him, let alone see him) as Katz finally, indeed, woke right back up.
A FEW SECONDS LATER, IN THE BAGGE RESIDENCE'S KITCHEN...
"Say, what's all that infernal RACKET downstairs, I wonder?" Muriel got up out of her seat at the ironically food-devoid dining table and curiously asked Eustace, who literally could not have cared less even if he had deliberately tried to do so.
"WHAT racket? I mean, apart from the one that my STOMACH is currently making, that is?" Eustace grouchily sneered, lazily burying his face into the local Nowhere Newspaper as he did so.
"Why, it sounds like someone begging to be let out of his PRISON restraints!" Muriel placed her left hand over her mouth and gasped in surprise while Eustace just annoyedly rolled his eyes and sarcastically groaned "BIG DEAL" in response.
"Assuming that it's that KATZ psychopath you're talking about, why not just LEAVE him there before he offs anyone else, HUH?" Eustace annoyedly asked Muriel from behind his newspaper, actually making a rather surprisingly good point in the process...unfortunately, however, it was a point that Muriel was indeed far too naive to even understand, let alone agree with.
"Oh, COME on, Eustace, WHERE'S your sense of hospitality? Why, that poor little kitten hasn't even done a single gosh-darned THING to us yet!" Muriel welcomingly threw her arms out beside herself (as if rather understandably wanting Eustace to finally give her a hug for once) and merrily chuckled; needless to say, however, Eustace was buying absolutely none of it.
"He straight-up RAPED you with me WATCHING, did he NOT?" Eustace frustratedly slammed his newspaper onto his lap with both hands and angrily pointed out.
"Well, yeah, except that we both greatly ENJOYED it, did we NOT?" Muriel shrugged her shoulders and playfully teased Eustace while he just disappointedly shook his head and muttered "with wives like these" underneath his breath in response, once again trying to shift the blame for his own scumminess away from himself.
"ALRIGHT, alright, I guess you and I will go downstairs and see what all of the commotion down there is about..." Eustace exhaustedly sighed (since it was already roughly 8:30 PM at the moment), lazily scraping himself out of his chair (not to mention away from his newspaper) and reluctantly following Muriel downstairs into the basement, where Katz was indeed ever-so-eagerly awaiting their arrival down there.
"EUSTACE! MURIEL! ANYONE! PLEASE HELP ME!" Katz, who (surely enough) was still stuck lying face-up atop the secondary dining table, loudly screamed in terror as he ever-so-hopelessly struggled to break free from his chains while Eustace and Muriel worriedly made their way down the basement's (creaky, old and slightly rotten) main stairway to greet him once more.
"OH MY, what seems to be the matter?" Muriel placed her right hand over her mouth and worriedly asked Katz while Eustace outright disbelievingly threw his arms out in Katz's general direction and glared at her in response.
"For crying out LOUD, woman, what does it LOOK like the matter is?! I'M FREAKING CHAINED UP HERE!" Katz frustratedly ranted at Muriel while Eustace crossed his arms over his chest and bitterly grumbled to himself about his marriage situation ultimately not being that much different from being literally locked up in chains.
"Oh, I'LL tell you what the REAL problem here is: why, it's the fact that you look like the fricking FRANKENSTEIN monster!" Eustace spitefully laughed at Katz's expense, pulling out a hand mirror from his left pants pocket with his corresponding hand and mockingly pointing it in the general direction of Katz's face so as to show him.
"GYAAAAAAH!" Katz mortifiedly shrieked in horror, violently convulsing in his restraints and desperately averting his eyes as he saw his blood-leaking, crudely-stapled-together head being reflected in said mirror.
"Heh heh, my work here is done..." Eustace spitefully snickered to himself as he re-pocketed his hand mirror and proudly crossed his arms over his chest while Muriel placed her hands firmly onto her hips and angrily glared at him in response.
"Now, now, calm down, CALM down!" Muriel worriedly encouraged Katz, playfully tickling his scrawny yet fluffy little "tummy" with her fingers and thus causing him to laugh and giggle uproariously as she did so while Eustace immediately became deathly jealous of Katz as a result.
"Yeah, you'll wake the NEIGHBORS! Our buried Indian CORPSES, to be exact!" Eustace threw his arms out beside himself and angrily yelled at Katz while Muriel reluctantly nodded her head in agreement.
"Hmm...you know what? On second thought, at least COURAGE is finally out of my poor little head, at LONG last..." Katz relievedly sighed, his face turning sickly green at the mere thought of how much Courage had probably been sadistically masturbating in the process of the whole mind-control fiasco that he had put the poor cat through for what must have been at least the past five (if not six or perhaps even seven) hours leading up to his much-needed surgical expulsion from said cranium.
"Huh? COURAGE? How could HE have gotten in there?" Muriel placed both hands over her mouth and bewilderedly gasped in shock while Eustace deviously rubbed his hands together and smirkingly thought "if only she KNEW" to himself.
"It's a very long, VERY embarrassing story that I'd much rather tell to people that I'm more familiar with..." Katz shrugged his shoulders and dejectedly sighed, causing Eustace to evilly smirk all the more as a result.
"Yeah, just like that time when me and Muriel fucked each other in the Nowhere High School BROOM closet! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" Eustace placed his hands onto his hips and snidely chuckled while Muriel placed her own hands onto her hips, turned around and seethingly, soul-piercingly glared at him in response.
"Anyway, I sure do WONDER exactly WHO could've performed makeshift head-repairing surgery on me with such lovingly great care and precision...it surely as HELL wasn't the Cruel Veterinarian, I can DEFINITELY tell you that much...and all of my other fellow villains had already long since given up on me and thus vacated the premises entirely...and you two walked in here in a way that clearly indicated that you had literally JUST found out that I was trapped down here...wait a minute...does...does that perhaps somehow mean..." Katz began confusedly rambling to himself, becoming highly suspicious of Courage's whereabouts.
"Mean WHAT, pardon my asking?" Muriel threw her arms out beside herself and curiously asked Katz while Eustace just annoyedly rolled his eyes and sarcastically muttered "gee, whaddaya frigging THINK it means, woman" in response.
"It damned BETTER mean something related to me getting my fricking DINNER, woman!" Eustace hatefully sneered at Muriel while she just rolled her eyes and exasperatedly groaned in response; needless to say, Muriel was already rapidly starting to become Katz's spirit person, for both better and worse as far as Katz's personal thoughts on the matter were concerned.
"No, actually; what I think it REALLY means is that COURAGE IS THE ONE WHO SAVED MY LIFE!" Katz ever-so-adorably-anxiously began explaining, then suddenly began yelling at the tops of his ever-hating lungs in simply unbearable shock, once again violently convulsing in his restraints as he did so.
"Yeah, that's something you'd better get USED to..." Eustace depressedly scratched the back of his head with his left hand and reluctantly admitted while Muriel wholeheartedly nodded her own head in agreement.
"Why, that utterly DETESTABLE little PARASITE...basically doing literally ALL of what's happened to me over the last several hours to me from the INSIDE of my own head just for the pure, sadistic PLEASURE of it and then ARROGANTLY thinking that he can butter me up into letting him get away with it by crudely re-assembling my head back together at the very, VERY last minute with freaking STAPLES AND WHAT I'M ASSUMING IS GLUE, just to FRAUDULENTLY make himself look like my precious little knight in shining armor? WHY, I OUGHTA-" Katz intensely shook in his restraints and began disgustedly ranting with gradually increasing fury, turning glowing-neon-red with anger and causing his chains to smokily, sizzlingly turn glowing-neon-orange with heat as he did so.
"AUGGGGGGH!" Katz furiously roared at the tops of his ever-hating lungs, breaking his chain restraints into a rather impressive number of pieces with his bare limbs and then ever-so-intimidatingly melting what remarkably little of them remained on said limbs with his own sheer body heat as he thunderously leapt back down from the secondary dining tabletop onto the floor, causing Muriel to frantically turn tail and run straight out of the house screaming for dear life (through the basement's entrance hatch, of course) while Eustace horrifiedly used a nearby conveniently-filled water bucket from the basement's main storage cabinet to put out the blazing fire that Katz's pure, unbridled rage had also just set to the tabletop itself.
"Um...w-WHERE are you going?" Eustace nervously set his now-empty emergency water bucket down onto the floor, put his hands together into prayer position and intimidatedly asked Katz, his knees audibly quivering as he did so while Katz just hatefully sneered "my GOD, you're pathetic" at him through tightly clenched teeth in response.
"WHEREVER COURAGE IS." Katz seethingly growled as he slowly yet frighteningly made his way back up the basement's main staircase, opening the door that led back into the house's first-floor area and then earth-shakingly slamming it behind him with so much force that it actually broke off of its hinges and came sliding/tumbling all the way down said staircase as a result.
"GULP." Eustace audibly gulped, embarrassedly covering his crotch with his hat as he shamefully wet his pants in second-hand fear (for Courage, no less; now THAT right there was most DEFINITELY something that you would NOT see him feeling very often in the show proper, let me tell you).
"Come out, come OUT, Courage, where-EVER you are...you pitiful little PANSY, you..." Katz playfully teased Courage through crackingly clenched teeth as he slowly but surely made his way up the first-floor staircase until he finally reached the door to the house's attic...within which he already knew very well that Courage was hiding, due to Katz being able to literally smell the "poor" dog's ever-so-pathetically helpless fear emanating from said room (as cringe-inducingly try-hard "edgy" as that may admittedly sound).
"I said COME OUT!" Katz, upon attempting to open the attic door and finding out that Courage had locked it, lividly shrieked at the tops of his lungs, roundhouse-kicking said door all the way across the attic with his left foot-paw and thus causing it to fly straight through said attic's window while Courage yelled "HOLY CRAP" and reflexively lunged out of said door's way literally JUST in time to avoid being hit by it.
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YA FOOL!" Di Lung shook his left fist and jokingly yelled at said door while the local police eagerly gathered around his store and began repeatedly charging straight into his OWN front door (to his store, obviously) with a weapons-grade battering ram.
"Katz, PLEASE don't bloodily mutilate me with your bare hands...I can...I-I can explain, TRUST me, just GIVE me a CHANCE!" Courage pitifully crab-walked right up against the back wall of the attic (on which the window that said attic's door had just broken had formerly been situated, of course), deliberately squeezed numerous incredibly blatant crocodile tears from his adorable little puppy-dog eyes, put his hand-paws together into prayer position and mawkishly begged his almost-immeasurably pissed-off-at-him adversary, following through on his already rather profoundly inelegant blubbering by flopping down onto his belly and ingratiatingly licking Katz's "royal" foot-paws just to embarrass himself even further.
"Funny that you should ask me NOT to do that, good sir, because after what YOU'VE deliberately done to me over the course of the past several hours, I'm terribly afraid that such a thing quite frankly IS, in fact, EXACTLY what I am going to do!" Katz maliciously chuckled at Courage's immeasurably terrified expense, revoltedly kicking the filthy little mutt away from him with his right foot-paw and then bone-chillingly twisting his neck to the left and then to the right with both hand-paws, with said neck making a rather visibly loud cracking sound with each twist as he then proceeded to intently gaze down upon Courage with his now-suddenly-human hands clenched into shockingly threatening claw shapes.
"NOOOOOO!" Courage, who was now once again meekly cowering against the back wall of the attic, clutched his head with both hand-paws and helplessly whined as Katz, having now officially lost his patience (and most likely his mind as well, not that I can really blame him at this point), grabbed the "poor" little dog RIGHT by his neck with both hands and began viciously strangling him with all of his anger-and-disgust-induced might!
"YOU THINK GOING INSIDE MY FUCKING HEAD AND TORTURING ME FOR THE PURE SADISTIC SAKE OF IT IS FUNNY, DO YOU?" Katz infuriatedly screamed at Courage, shaking him violently by the neck while the "poor" dog's face developed a massive case of horrifically bulging eyes and rapidly began turning blue and purple from lack of oxygen.
"YOU THINK THAT TAKING CONTROL OVER MY FUCKING BRAIN FROM THE INSIDE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, COMPLETELY RUINING ONE OF MY MOST IMPORTANT MEETINGS, MAKING ME RAPE AN ELDERLY WOMAN WITH HER HUSBAND WATCHING AND THEN GET BEATEN NEARLY TO DEATH BY BOTH HIM AND MY OWN COUSIN AS PUNISHMENT, HAVING ME TRAMPLED NEARLY TO DEATH BY THE WORLD'S NASTIEST FUCKING FOOT WHILE QUENTIN TARANTINO'S ZOMBIFIED BASTARD COUSIN PORNOGRAPHICALLY FILMS IT HAPPENING, HAVING ME CHASED ALL THE WAY AROUND THE ENTIRE PLANET BY AN INSANE, CANNIBALISTIC SOCIOPATH AND THEN BRAIN-SURGICALLY OPERATED ON BY THE WORLD'S MOST PSYCHOTICALLY INHUMANE ANIMAL DOCTOR, AND MOST EGREGIOUSLY MAKING MY FELLOW VILLAINS OUTRIGHT GIVE UP ON ME IS SO FUCKING AMUSING, DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?!" Katz ranted more furiously at Courage than he had ever ranted at anyone else in his entire life, concluding said rant by wood-crackingly slamming him back down onto the floor of the attic with both hands.
"Well, uh, YEAH?" Di Lung shrugged his shoulders and callously snickered as the local police FINALLY began to leave actual dents in his store's nearly indestructible (due to magical enchantment) front door with their aforementioned battering ram.
"But (choke)...but I just (cough) needed (wheeze) MONEY, that's all!" Courage weakly crawled back up onto his foot-paws, threw his arms out beside himself and pitifully rasped, gently clutching his constricted, aching throat with his left hand-paw and exhaustedly panting in a truly desperate attempt to finally re-catch his breath after how forcefully Katz had just choked him.
"MONEY?" Katz crossed his arms over his chest, cocked his left eyebrow and confusedly snarled.
"What exactly do you MEAN by that, may I ask?" Katz inquisitively gestured toward Courage with his left hand-paw (thankfully, his "hands" had now finally returned to their normal shape) and continued.
"That...that insultingly stereotypical Chinese con artist you met several hours earlier! HE'S to blame!" Courage got down onto his knees, put his hand-paws together into prayer position and nervously explained to Katz while Katz just sassily nodded his head, checked his left hand-paw for hang-claws, and then teasingly muttered "go on" in response.
"Listen; after he swapped out MY cell phone with your OWN rather disturbingly identical one," Courage reluctantly began explaining as the two of them finally passed each other's cell phones back to their rightful owners (in other words, each other), who then immediately stuffed said phones straight back into their rightful Hammerspaces, "he shrunk me down to bug size, made me temporarily invisible, enchanted me with sticky bug appendages and flappy bug wings, and then told me to use the former of the two enchantments that I just mentioned to hide on my OWN cell phone that you had unknowingly stolen from me while you obliviously carried it to the Bad Guys Anonymous meeting in your ridiculously tight ass- I mean, your Hammerspace!"
"AND?" Katz impatiently gestured with his left hand-paw and smugly inquired.
"Once you had finally gotten to said meeting and thus given me and him the proper opportunity, this Mr. Di Lung that I'm talking about gave you that ridiculously obnoxious 'HEY, IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING, YA FOOL' prank call as his way of deliberately making you hold 'your' cell phone right up against your ear so that I could then sneakily jump right into it like a dirty little flea while you weren't looking; naturally, he also used the eardrum-shatteringly loud sudden volume increase at the end of said call to do exactly that: shatter your eardrum so that I would be able to more easily reach your inner ear without being noticed!" Courage increasingly-embarrassedly explained while Katz just placed his right hand-paw over his mouth and snidely giggled at him in response.
"AND?" Katz impatiently gestured with his right hand-paw and smugly inquired yet again.
"And then once I had used the GPS enchantment that Mr. Lung had left on 'my' phone to navigate my way through your vestibulocochlear system and thus reach your brain, Mr. Lung gave me the extremely simple order to horrifically, publicly embarrass you by 'fucking' with it, which I decided to take both figuratively and LITERALLY!" Courage humiliatedly admitted, burying his luminously blushing face beneath his hand-paws in nearly immeasurable shame from the mere recollection of him having done such a thing.
"AND?" Katz sucked in his cheeks and VERY cautiously snickered, trying VERY hard not to burst out into a maniacal, rolling-on-the-floor fit of laughter.
"AND I also happen to know for a fact that I only followed through with Mr. Lung's plan to satisfy my own EXTREMELY selfish desire to spite you for all of the numerous past occasions on which you've already attempted to murder me and my owners in cold blood...and also to hopefully make some divided profit, so to speak, off of the soon-to-be-world-famous live-stream video that I know almost for a FACT that Mr. Lung is currently making our pitiful suffering into using some kind of anachronistically high-tech, evil-witch-enchanted computer from god-knows-how-many years into the future!" Courage collapsed onto his hand-paws and knees and miserably broke down into yet another manic, hysterical fit of crying and sobbing, exhaustedly panting and hyperventilating in yet ANOTHER desperate attempt to re-catch his breath as he FINALLY finished regurgitating the entire main plot of the episode to Katz, much to the audience's chagrin.
"Hmm...well, as for that Chinese crackerhead you just reminded me about, don't worry; the police WILL take care of HIS sorry arse soon enough, believe me." Katz flatly replied, glaring at Courage with a disturbingly passionate intensity which VERY clearly showed that he was indeed most certainly NOT even NEARLY as "done being mad at Courage" as he seemed as he did so.
"As for YOUR greedy arse, on the other hand, C'MERE, YOU FUCKING HATEFUL, SELFISH PRICK!" Katz suddenly roared at Courage, pouncing headfirst onto him and tackling him face-up onto the floor while the "poor" little mutt hopelessly cried and screamed for help...but alas, absolutely no one came to him (at least, not in the literal sense, that is).
"Look at me NOW, why don't you? GAZE upon my now-barely-functional cranium, you freaking insensitive ASSHOLE, why DON'T you?!" Katz angrily yelled at Courage, pinning him down onto the floor with his left hand-paw and indicatively pointing at his quite literally stapled-together head with his right hand-paw while Courage meekly wept in horror, praying dearly to God for the madness that he had started to finally just end already.
"I mean, HONESTLY; assuming that Di Lung's plan actually HAD worked out in your favor as opposed to him just outright fucking SCAMMING you like he did with me, would THIS seriously have been WORTH making your fucking Podunk PIG-STY of a house look just a WEE SODDING BIT nicer while that blithering fucking IDIOT known as Eustace presumably wasted the ENTIRE rest of your oh-so-precious earnings on frivolous vacations, fancy vehicles and pointless fucking KNICK-knacks? HUH?! WOULD IT, YOU FUCKING INCONSIDERATE BASTARD?!" Katz furiously ranted at Courage, concluding said rant by pinning Courage down with his knees, briefly transforming his hand-paws into giant human fists, and then finally repeatedly and VERY bloodily slugging the "poor" little mutt across the face using both of them (in the classic "left-right-left-right" pattern, of course) while Courage just helplessly screamed and cried in response.
ROUGHLY AN ENTIRE MINUTE OF PURE, UNBRIDLED DOG-BEATING WHILE EUSTACE SADISTICALLY WATCHED FROM BEHIND THE DOORWAY, PRESUMABLY 'BEATING' HIMSELF OFF WHILE DOING SO, LATER...
"But...but YOU kill and scam people for money TOO, you know!" Courage, who now had bloodshot black eyes, a VERY bloody nose and numerous missing teeth (all of which would inexplicably regenerate back to their normal conditions EXTREMELY soon afterward anyhow due to cartoon logic being MASSIVELY on his side), weakly, blood-coughingly lifted up his right index finger and raspily pointed out through multiple broken ribs (that would also inexplicably regenerate themselves back to their normal conditions pretty damned soon afterward, contrary to the Team Fortress 2 Medic's belief).
"Yes, but...but that's DIFFERENT, you see! Unlike YOU, for instance, I am a HIGHLY professional and intellectually sophisticated gentleman who ONLY does such things out of contractual obligation, you see!" Katz depressedly sighed in shame, then suddenly sprung right back up onto his foot-paws and began arrogantly boasting (not to mention bald-facedly lying about his true motivations, most of which WERE, in fact, just plain old sociopathic spite), with his left hand-paw placed tightly over his chest and his head held distinctively high and mighty as he did so.
"Oh, for the love of Christ, just COME off it already, WOULD you? For fuck's sake, you're easily JUST as much of an irredeemable psychopath as mostly ANY of the OTHER villains that you hang out with, and you fucking KNOW it too! DON'T lie!" Courage sprung right back up onto his OWN foot-paws, placed his hand-paws firmly onto his hips in classic "disappointed mother" fashion, and disgustedly sneered at Katz before then finally concluding his already clearly winning side of the argument by cartoonishly winding up with his right hand-paw (that he had once again briefly transformed into a giant fist) and then savagely punching the spiteful, arrogant bastard right in his precious, ruby-colored family jewels with it (since, technically, Cajun Fox had only cut off Katz's actual penis itself, leaving its testicles curiously intact for not-entirely-explained reasons).
"AIEEEEEE! MY BALLS!" Katz pathetically squealed like a little girl, collapsing onto his knees and tightly clutching his crotch with both hand-paws as he loudly whimpered, moaned and cried in agony, causing Courage to childishly point and laugh at him with his right hand-paw while the "poor kitten" was suddenly confronted by none other than the imaginary manifestation of his own extremely crippling self-esteem issues that he ever-so arrogantly refused to admit to.
"For the love of all that is HOLY, Katz, WHAT in God's name are you WAITING for?! JUST DO YOUR FREAKING JOB ALREADY, WOULD YOU?! RIP THAT FILTHY LITTLE MUTT'S STILL-BEATING HEART RIGHT OUT OF HIS CHEST AND THEN EAT IT IN FRONT OF HIM SO THAT HE CAN SEE HOW COLD AND BLACK IT IS BEFORE HE DIES! AND DO IT PERFECTLY!" Katz's Inner Perfectionist began furiously yelling at him, abusively smacking him with her pointer stick (which, in reality, was actually just him abusively punching himself) as he tightly clutched his head with both hand-paws, collapsed into sideways fetal position and helplessly, self-abusingly squirmed on the floor like an actual tortured animal, dementedly and repeatedly screaming "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME KILL HIM, MASTER" to himself all the while.
"Aww, it's okay, don't worry..." Courage gently stroked Katz's warm, soft fur with his hand-paws and soothingly promised him, suddenly feeling more profoundly bad for him than ever before as the crazy bastard continued aimlessly writhing on the floor and (literally) beating himself up over his own pathetic inability to decide whether or not to appreciate the fact that the otherwise laughably makeshift brain surgery that Courage had performed on him back in the basement had ironically ended up saving his life.
"BACK OFF, MAN! I DON'T NEED PAMPERING! ESPECIALLY NOT FROM AN EVIL, SADISTIC BASTARD LIKE YOU!" Katz pressed himself up against the back wall of the attic in the exact same fashion that Courage had demonstrated earlier and continued maniacally, outright deliriously screeching at the tops of his lungs while Courage pulled out a defensive frying pan from his personal Hammerspace with his right hand-paw (just in case) and worriedly readied himself to swing it directly at Katz's face at full-force using both hand-paws (but only if the need for him to do so actually DID end up arising due to Katz's understandably wild and erratic behavior, of course).
"Katz, for God's sake, PLEASE listen to me before it's too late; you freaking NEED a psychiatrist! I could HELP you!" Courage desperately, tremblingly begged Katz, who only violently convulsed and retched at the mere thought of an expertly trained master criminal such as himself actually needing such a thing in response.
"HMPH! PSYCHIATRIST, SHMYCHIATRIST! ALL I NEED IS A NICE, JUICY MEAL!" Katz rabidly growled and roared at Courage, ferociously lunging straight at him in a very truly last-ditch attempt to savagely maul him to death and then eat him for dinner...only to then immediately be met with a nice, loud CLONK to the face from Courage's frying pan, thankfully knocking him into unconsciousness yet again while Courage exhaustedly stuffed his frying pan back into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw, wiped the thickly accumulated sweat off of his forehead with his right hand-paw, and resoundingly went "PHEW" in response.
ONE EXTREMELY POOR DECISION BY COURAGE TO LEAVE KATZ IN THE HOUSE DUE TO BEING TOO TIRED TO HOSPITALIZE HIM LATER...
"Alright, k-Katz, h-h-here y-you go...n-nighty n-n-night...s-s-s-sleep t-t-TIGHT..." Courage worriedly shivered and stammered as he pulled out a nice, cozy sleeping bag from underneath the attic's one and only bed (which, luckily enough for him, had actually BEEN a full-fledged, albeit still only big enough for one person, bed at the time and not just a dingy old cot) and then gently tucked Katz's thankfully unconscious body into said sleeping bag after deliberately placing said sleeping bag as far away from the bed as was possible within the confines of the attic's floor space just to be (at least something vaguely resembling) safe.
"H-Hopefully t-t-this w-will h-h-h-help y-you d-d-do s-so..." Courage VERY nervously continued stammering as he pulled out a nice big bottle of sleeping pills from his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw, twisted it open with his right hand-paw and then anxiously forced exactly two of the pills within said bottle down the unsuspecting Katz's throat, also gulping one last one of them straight down his OWN throat for lack of really caring what happened to him at the point that is being described here.
"I s-s-SURE d-do h-h-hope t-t-the s-same c-c-can also b-b-b-be s-s-said f-for m-m-ME..." Courage drowsily (not to mention even MORE worriedly) stammered, re-closing his sleeping pill bottle with his right hand-paw and then dejectedly shoving it back into his personal Hammerspace with his left hand-paw as he exhaustedly staggered his way over to his personal bed and then listlessly fell asleep atop it, sincerely hoping that he wouldn't end up having TOO many nightmares about his recent misadventures with Katz and that ever-so-irresistibly lovely little brain of his in the process as he did so (SPOILER WARNING: He did).
AT ABOUT 5:30 A.M. ON THE NEXT MORNING, AFTER COURAGE HAD FINALLY FALLEN SOUND ASLEEP, AND WHILE EUSTACE WAS BUSY NEGLECTING HIM...
"I...I was NICE to Courage last night...NICE to that insipid...little MONGREL when considering what he had done to me...mind-controlling me to make me cater to his every STUPID whim..." Katz, who had just recently escaped from his sleeping bag and was now already wide awake due to the sheer severity of his insomnia, depressedly, emaciatedly and ever-so-slightly bloodshot-eyedly muttered to himself as he listlessly and confusedly sat on the footboard of the bed on which Courage was busy obliviously sleeping, with his freakishly spindly legs dangling straight down toward the floor in a weirdly symbolic manner as he nervously trembled and twitched with bottled-up social anxiety and self-loathing.
"My HANDS...they're so BLOODY!" Katz disgustedly snarled, gazing upon the palms of his now-suddenly-human hands in a very clearly Shakespeare-esque fashion as he also-symbolically curled their maliciously long and slender fingers into rather distinct claw shapes, providing his audience with an absolutely perfect visual representation of just how desperately he indeed wanted to kill Courage with said hands.
"THE BLOOD WON'T COME OFF!" Katz shrieked in horror as he desperately, fruitlessly attempted to scrub the blood off of his hands WITH his hands.
"UGH..." Katz exasperatedly groaned in revulsion as he lifelessly collapsed onto the floor.
"Main villain...what a joke...MAIN VILLAIN...main villain of WHAT?!" Katz, who was now frightenedly sitting on the floor with his legs handsomely outstretched in front of him and his back pressed tightly against the aforementioned footboard of Courage's bed, bewilderedly asked himself, clutching the sides of Courage's bed extremely tightly with his hands and terrifiedly glancing around the left side (from his perspective) of said footboard (as in the side that wasn't pressed against a wall, since the bed itself was situated precisely in front of Courage's back-right-corner-of-the-room-located computer desk, with its headboard facing directly toward said computer desk while its footboard faced directly toward the attic's front wall) to make sure that Courage hadn't woken back up yet.
"HIS incredibly stuck-up and overrated show that conceitedly believes itself to be the absolute highest form of art known to mankind..." Katz rather hypocritically whispered to himself as he eagerly slunk his way right back around to the "left" side of the bed itself and condescendingly (not to mention droolingly and lip-lickingly) gazed down upon the "poor" little dog's adorably fast-asleep body, with his hands becoming tightly clenched into a rather exceptionally rapey-looking set of upgraded claws as he did so.
"HOW the Internet will later grow to LOVE him!" Katz flamboyantly placed the back of his right hand across his forehead and jealously sighed, amusingly having absolutely no idea how utterly HUGE of a "fan favorite" he himself would later become amongst Courage The Cowardly Dog villain enthusiasts as he did so.
"LOOK AT HIM...LYING HERE ASLEEP...SOON TO BECOME THE IDOL OF MILLIONS..." Katz suddenly re-adopted his "child molester" look and began dementedly, droolingly, claw-handedly whispering to himself as he creepily scanned over Courage's body with his piercing yellow eyes, MUCH like how serial killers scan over their victims.
"HE'S A FOOL! Just a BLIND, SILLY LITTLE FOOL..." Katz evilly cackled to himself as his brain rapidly began overloading itself with envy and self-loathing at the mere sight of how adorably peacefully Courage was sleeping at the moment (well, at least, when compared to how Katz himself had been "sleeping" earlier, that is).
"HEY, ya FOOLS, arrest HIM! HE'S the one that stole my TRADEMARKED catch-word!" Di Lung indignantly kicked and screamed, childishly pounding the ground with his fists as he was forcefully dragged out of the Invention Shack by his ankles by the local police, with his Courage/Katz live-stream video project thankfully also being shut down in the process due to it blatantly violating COUNTLESS laws against animal abuse (and also just generally being abhorrent and degenerate trash, more importantly).
"How easily...I could...end the farce..." Katz crossed his arms behind his back and inquisitively cocked his left eyebrow at Courage as he continued whispering, with the entire world that he was inhabiting gradually fading away all around him until there was literally nothing left in it but him and Courage as he did so.
"With these hands...THESE...BLOODY(!)...HANDS!" Katz once again gazed upon his clenched palms and snarled in disgust, balling them up into fists and violently shaking with pent-up rage as he did so.
"AND with THESE hands, I hold the FATE of MILLIONS!" Katz dramatically (not to mention demonically) boasted as the entire screen on which he was being displayed went black except for his head and hands, the latter of which he then eerily rotated the palms of directly toward his viewers and slowly, ominously, extremely detailedly wiggled the fingers of in a way that absolutely SCREAMED "malicious intent" in literally every possible way imaginable.
"He thinks he's a GOD...but HE'S JUST AS MORTAL AS WE ARE...BELIEVE ME, I KNOW!" Katz began deliriously rambling, scanning over Courage's body with his bloodshot eyes in an even more disturbingly hungry manner than the one that he had previously demonstrated as he began feverishly sweating with psychotic excitement.
"JUST...ONE...QUICK...TWIST(!)...and it's over...JUSSST...ONNNE..." Katz orgasmically, smirkingly, half-asleeply moaned to himself, intently visualizing a nice, big dotted line being drawn all the way around the somehow still fast-asleep Courage's neck as he mockingly made the exact motion of snapping said neck with his hands.
"AHH..." Katz happily continued moaning to himself as he eagerly leaned toward Courage with his hands grotesquely clenched into full-on Claw Mode...when all of a sudden, COMPLETELY out of nowhere, his brain COMPLETELY overloaded itself with envy and self-loathing, causing him to develop an almost literally BRAIN-SPLITTING headache!
"HUARRRGGGH!" Katz leapt into the air, tightly clutched his aching, swollen head with both hand-paws and maniacally shrieked in agony as his entire life began frantically and disjointedly flashing before his eyes while numerous (thankfully negligible) intricately interlocking rivulets of fresh, warm blood began frighteningly trickling out of his skull from in-between the equally numerous staples that Courage had (extremely crudely) sealed it shut with back in the basement.
"IT'S HAPPENING AGAAAIN! MY BRAIN! MY HOT! STINGING! BRAAAAAAIN!" Katz collapsed onto his knees and rabidly screeched in pain, desperately pushing down on the top part of his cranium with both hand-paws in order to prevent his grotesquely throbbing brain from causing said top part to literally fly right off of his head altogether.
"HWAAAAAAAAAH! HWAAAAAAAAAH! HWAAAAAAAAAH!" Katz blood-curdlingly shrieked at the tops of his ever-loving lungs, waking up literally every formerly asleep thing within a mile-wide radius, shattering every remaining unbroken window in the entire house, and thankfully causing his headache to finally subside in the process.
"HUH? Who in the Hell are YOU guys?" Courage (who was still lying face-up in his bed, of course) cautiously removed his hand-paws from his luckily undamaged ears and flatly asked as the FBI-licensed mental patient recruiting squad that Muriel had secretly sent for after fleeing from the house (a squad that was comprised of exactly four sunglass-wearing, mullet-sporting, military-suited and cartoonishly top-heavy men who all looked almost exactly like Johnny Bravo and were all named Bob according to their name tags, to be exact) came gallantly sprinting into the attic RIGHT in the nick of time, violently stuffed the frantically kicking and screaming Katz into one of their comically under-sized patient-catching bags, and then immediately bolted off as if nothing had even happened...leaving the now-wide-awake Courage exasperatedly shrugging his shoulders and mouthing the words "I got nothing" to himself in wonderment of exactly what in the actual Hell HAD just happened, naturally enough.
"I'LL fix this show...I'll take care of this 'Courage being the main character' business...ONCE AND FOR ALL...HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE..." Katz merrily and obliviously thought to himself as the patient catchers VERY unceremoniously tossed his tightly bagged self into the trunk of their glorified prison van, systematically filed themselves into their designated seats, and then finally, wordlessly began driving him off to the nearest loony bin (which, unfortunately, wasn't exactly very far away).
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE "BAD GUYS ANONYMOUS" MEETING TABLE IN THE EMPRESS STATE BUILDING...
"So, guys, tell me; what exactly ARE we going to do without Katz?" Kitty hopelessly threw her mask off with both hand-paws, boredly rested her fluffy little cheeks on said hand-paws and depressedly asked while her remaining fellow villains all pretty much looked as if they didn't even care one bit.
"SIMPLE, sister; we'll use the profit that I just made from my ten-thousand-dollar grand prize at the Nowhere Cooking Contest to buy ourselves a brand spanking NEW set of obligatory monsters of the week!" Cajun Fox lazily leaned against the right side of his chair and callously chuckled, checking his left hand-paw for hang-claws as he did so.
"God damn it, you smug scheming bastard, you know for a FACT that you simply CAN'T replace a villain as great as Katz was!" Kitty slammed her fists onto the table and frustratedly scolded Cajun Fox while he just sarcastically threw his arms out beside himself and muttered "what, was it something I SAID" in response.
"But YOU, Kitty, are basically a female version OF him, see? (Yeah, a version I wish I could bang even MORE, see?) {Hey, what exactly does "bang" mean in this context again?}" the Clutching Foot very self-awarely pointed out while Cajun Fox continued muttering to himself about how HE was basically a bootleg version of Katz.
"Oh, COME on, THAT right there is over-simplifying it WAY too much!" Benton slammed his palms onto the table and disgustedly scolded the Clutching Foot.
"Um..how SO, exactly?" Eustace hornily chuckled while Kitty shot him a truly nasty death glare in response.
"He was simply the REALEST actor I've ever known in my LIFE, you see! Just the sheer emotional WEIGHT that he put into his performance while being crushed underneath a giant purple foot that talks like a stereotypical mobster gang from a 1930s gangster film, already one of my absolute FAVORITE types of movie...the sheer PASSION that he demonstrated as he licked up and down said foot's orgasmically beauteous sole with his tongue...OHHHHHH, YEAAAAAAH...just the mere THOUGHT of it makes me SO freaking hard..." Benton Tarantella long-windedly monologued and began orgasmically moaning to himself while his fellow villains (yes, even including the Clutching Foot itself) violently dry-heaved and disgustedly stuck their tongues out in response.
"ANYWAY, what about the Cruel Veterinarian? Didn't HE just get locked up in a mental hospital too? Shame, because I actually REALLY liked that guy, to be honest..." Eustace dejectedly sighed, resting his cheeks on his hands and regretfully thinking back to a simpler time, back BEFORE he had developed his positively RAGING animal-abuse fetish.
"Meh, fuck that guy anyway..." Kitty swung her right hand-paw straight down like...well, a cat paw...and bitterly growled in disgust at the mere recollection of said Cruel Veterinarian while basically everyone else (left) at the meeting table wholeheartedly nodded their heads in agreement, indeed rather hopelessly wondering exactly WHAT it was that they were going to do next now that their formerly most valuable ally was gone (only for about FIVE YEARS, mind you, but still).
MEANWHILE, IN THE BAGGE RESIDENCE'S LIVING ROOM...
"SAY, Courage, where do you suppose EUSTACE went?" Muriel merrily, obliviously asked Courage as she leisurely rocked back and forth in her rocking chair, with Courage adorably lying flat on his belly atop her lap as she warmly embraced him with both hands, reminding him of a simpler time when he actually had REAL parents.
"In terms of development, NOWHERE, that's where!" Courage sarcastically joked as the two of them both uproariously laughed and giggled in response.
MEANWHILE, IN KATZ'S CELL AT THE LOCAL ASYLUM...
"Well, well, well; to WHAT, may I ask, do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?" Katz, who was now VERY tightly bound in a straitjacket, curiously asked the patient whose job it was to shave off all of the other patients' hair (Freaky Fred, obviously) as the man's incredibly imposing shadow ominously loomed over him.
"Katz...your FUR...it reminds me of the first time I knew just how I FELT about fur..." Freaky Fred began creepily monologuing as he ever-so-politely-and-meticulously removed Katz's straitjacket, rendering him the very living definition of naked and afraid as he frantically, desperately began crab-walking away from Fred for literally no other reason than to pointlessly delay the inevitable.
"In fact, I dare SAY that this rather delightfully soft and slender body of yours indeed per-SUADES me to be rather...NAUUUGHTY..." he continued monologuing, emphasizing the "naughty" part by horrifyingly grinning from ear to ear as he then WAY over-excitedly revved up his wireless hair-cutting razor and immediately got straight to work on that hot, sexy body of Katz's (for all of you dirty-minded folks in the audience, please DO get ideas).
"AIEEEEEEEEE!" Katz could be heard girlishly screaming in horror for several cell blocks around (causing many of his fellow asylum-mates to mockingly laugh at him as always, with him still being fully aware of the degrading turn that his life had taken being largely Courage's fault all the while) as the screen FINALLY, at VERY long last, faded to black.
(cue the credits)
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Katz the Cowardly Cat