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JOHNNY & JORGEN	By : StarRinger Category: +G through L > Johnny Bravo Views: 3517 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Johnny Bravo or The Fairly Oddparents. No money or profit is being made from this story.

Chapter List
- 1-JOHNNY & JORGEN
- 1
JOHNNY & JORGEN

STAR RINGER 2015
Johnny is an average guy, but no one's quite as hot (Whoa momma!)

Carl, and Pops, and Suzie all annoy him quite a lot (Man I'm pretty!)

But while he's grounded in his room, his mom is on a date

With a gross and greasy guy whom Johnny can't abide

Oh who can change his fate?

He needs an Oddparent, Fairly Oddparent

Guns and pecs!

Can we skip to the sex? (Smack)

Oddparent, Fairly Oddparent

Hardly flawed, muscle god, buff bod, hot rod!

Black shirt, Sleazy flirt, Pervert, Gonna hurt,

Glazed Ceramic, Panoramic, G-String Banana Hammock!

Oddparent, Fairly Oddparent

He'll bang your butt and make you a slut,

That Fairly Oddparent!

Wait, what?

TITLE CARD
JOHNNY IS STANDING IN CASUAL POSE, ONE EYEBROW RAISED, LOOKING TOWARD CAMERA, SHADOW SILHOUETTE OF LARGE FIVE-POINT STAR WAND
EXT: BRAVO HOUSE
JOHNNY (from inside): NOOOOOOOO!!!
INT: BRAVO HOUSE, LIVING ROOM
JOHNNY IS GASPING FOR BREATH, BUNNY LOOKS CONCERNED
BUNNY: Johnny, what’s wrong?!
JOHNNY: Woah momma, I’m okay… I just… just thought I heard you say somethin’ horrible, Somethin’ ...unspeakable... (JOHNNY PERKS UP, RECOVERED) I’m fine now! So, what was it you were saying?
BUNNY: (BEAT) ... I have a date.
EXT: BRAVO HOUSE
JOHNNY (from inside): NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
INT: BRAVO HOUSE, LIVING ROOM
BUNNY: Johnny Bravo, you stop that this instant!
JOHNNY: But Momma!
BUNNY: No buts, young man! I’m a strong, independent woman, and I deserve to go out with a gentleman caller when it suits my fancy!
BUNNY RETREATS TO HER ROOM, JOHNNY FOLLOWS AS HE PROTESTS. SHE PULLS THINGS FROM HER CLOSET AND THROWS THEM BEHIND HER, PAST JOHNNY
JOHNNY: But Momma, what if your fancy suit is worn by some ape that just keeps on yammering on and on like he should be the center a’ attention except he’s a complete dummy?!
AN EMBARRASSING UNDERGARMENT FROM BUNNY’S CLOSET FALLS ON JOHNNY’S FACE, HE SCREAMS SHARPLY AND BATS IT OFF.
BUNNY: Oh Johnny, please.
BUNNY IS NOW DRESSED IN A MODEST PANTSUIT. SHE GOES TO HER VANITY AND RUMMAGES THROUGH MAKEUP, APPLYING IT AS SHE SPEAKS.
BUNNY: I assure you, he’s a perfect gentleman, and successful, to boot. Why, he’s the one who asked me out to dinner and a movie, pretty as you please. I haven’t been on a date without me being the one asking for... well, for longer than I haven’t been on a date at all, that’s for sure.
JOHNNY: But Momma, that’s how he gets ya! One smoothly delivered line and a ‘pretty please’, then he’s got ya hooked! It starts with dinner and a movie, then BLAMMO, you’re puttin’ tanning lotion on his chest at the beach in a...BIKINI...!
THE MENTAL IMAGE OF BUNNY IN A BIKINI, LEANED OVER SOME GENERIC GRAY-HAIRED MAN’S CHEST, ENTERS JOHNNY’S HEAD AND APPEARS AS A THOUGHT BUBBLE, HE SCREAMS SHARPLY AND MAKES IT DISSIPATE. BUNNY FINISHES HER MAKEUP AND SMACKS HER LIPS
BUNNY: Sweetie, it’s just one date, and it might not even work out! It’ll just be a fun night on the town. I’m not going to lead him on.
BUNNY LEANS AND IS OBSCURED BEHIND A HATRACK, RUMMAGING AROUND.
JOHNNY: But what if HE’S the one leading YOU?! Straight into the gaping jaws of a Momma-snatchin’ Flagnthorp from Mars?!
SFX. THUNDER AND THEREMIN, MENTAL IMAGE OF ALIEN GRABBING BUNNY OVER BACKGROUND BEHIND HIM. BUNNY SCREAMS SHARPLY OFF-SCREEN AND DISSIPATES IMAGE. SHIFT TO BUNNY WEARING A LARGE, FEATHERED HAT, AND RHINESTONE SUNGLASSES, ADMIRING HERSELF IN FULL-LENGTH MIRROR.
BUNNY: Oh, it’s just PERFECT! Goodness gracious, I feel like a lovestruck schoolgirl again! [GIGGLES]
JOHNNY: But you’re not a schoolgirl, you’re my momma!
SFX. DOORBELL
BUNNY: Oooh, that’ll be him, right on time!
JOHNNY SPEEDS OFF IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE, RUNS AND BRACES HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE DOOR.
JOHNNY: Don’t answer it, Momma! I, I’ll tell him you’re not home! I’ll tell him you’re outta town! I’ll tell him you won the lottery and moved to Rhode Island! ...why you’d wanna move to Rhode Island, I wouldn’t know.
BUNNY: Oh Johnny, that’s quite enough of this nonsense!
SHE GRABS HIM BY THE EAR, DRAGGING HIM AWAY FROM THE DOOR, PRACTICALLY FLINGS HIM BEHIND HER WHILE SHE STEPS UP TO THE DOOR.
BUNNY: Now you behave yourself, and I’m sure you’ll see that you have nothing to worry about.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR, DRAMATIC ZOOM ON POPS STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE, HOLDING FLOWERS AND WEARING A TUXEDO T-SHIRT.
POPS: Hiya, Johnny!
DRAMATIC ZOOM OF JOHNNY STANDING OPPOSITE
BUNNY: Oh, Pops, are these for me? [SHE TAKES THE FLOWERS, SMELLS THEM DEEPLY] Ooooh, they smell divine!
POPS: Freshly cut, my Bunny Beauty- only the best for my Bun-Bun!
CAMERA BEHIND POPS, SHOWING BOTTLE OF PERFUME HELD BEHIND HIS BACK, ZOOM OUT TO SHOW CUT-UP FLOWER GARDEN NEXT DOOR
BUNNY: Oh, how thoughtful! Johnny-
JOHNNY IS STANDING, MOUTH AGAPE, HUNCHED POSTURE, GLASSES ASKEW. BUNNY SHOVES THE FLOWERS INTO HIS FACE.
BUNNY: Go put these in a vase for me, will you darling?
JOHNNY GRABS THE FLOWERS OFF HIS FACE, EXPRESSION UNCHANGED, UNCEREMONIOUSLY DROPS THEM INTO NEARBY GOLDFISH BOWL.
JOHNNY: Paah-pah-pah-p-p-paaaah-p-p-paaaah-
BUNNY: Johnny dear, you of course know Pops.
JOHNNY: PAAAAAAAAAAHPS!
POPS: [IMITATING JOHNNY’S TONE] JOHNYYYYYYYYYY! Heh, is that what we’re doin’?
BUNNY: You see, Johnny? You had nothing to worry about! My date isn’t some stranger, he’s a friend of yours!
JOHNNY IS HUFFING, MOUTH OPEN AND TEETH JUTTING, SWEATING AND HEAVING HIS SHOULDERS WITH EACH BREATH.
POPS: Listen to your mother, sonny, you have my word that I shall return her in the same condition I found her. [CHUCKLE, FLIRTY BEDROOM EYES AT BUNNY] If not better…
BUNNY: [GIGGLES COYLY] Oh, Pops, you tramp...!
JOHNNY: Momma, you-you-you c-c-c-c-aaaaan’t be dating….POPS!!!
BUNNY: Don’t be ridiculous, Johnny! I’m doing no such thing!
JOHNNY MOMENTARILY SEEMS TO RELAX.
BUNNY: We can’t be dating when we haven’t even finished the first date!
JOHNNY SCREAMS SHARPLY, THE FISH BOWL CRACKS FROM THE NOISE.
BUNNY: Johnny Bravo, that is ENOUGH!
JOHNNY STOPS IMMEDIATELY, SHRINKS IN ON HIMSELF, TOES POINTED INWARD
BUNNY: I know you love me, sweetie-kins, but I’m more than just your mother! I’m a strong, independent-
POPS: -Lovely, enticing, ravishing-
BUNNY: [GIGGLES, LIGHTLY BATS POPS AWAY] I am a woman Johnny, and I can make my own choices about who I spend my time with! So you will stop acting like a child and behave yourself while I’m gone, or there will be consequences!
JOHNNY: But MOMMA!
BUNNY: Not another word, Johnny!
JOHNNY: But MOMMA!
BUNNY: THAT’S IT! You are GROUNDED, mister! Go to your room and STAY THERE until you learn how to GROW UP!
JOHNNY LOOKS COMPLETELY CRESTFALLEN AS BUNNY TURNS ON HER HEEL AND MARCHES OUT THE DOOR POPS IS HOLDING OPEN FOR HER. POPS TAKES A MOMENT TO POINTEDLY GLARE AT HER BEHIND, BEFORE WAGGLING HIS EYEBROWS AT JOHNNY WITH A LECHEROUS SMIRK, THEN SHUTTING THE DOOR. JOHNNY STANDS DUMBFOUNDED, STARING AT THE DOOR.
JOHNNY: (BEAT) … AAAAAAA-
BUNNY (from outside): That childish tantrum doesn’t sound like it’s coming from your bedroom, young man!!!
JOHNNY SLUMPS AND DEJECTEDLY DRAGS HIMSELF TO HIS BEDROOM, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. CAMERA FROM ABOVE, SPIN ON JOHNNY LAYING SPREAD ON HIS BED.
JOHNNY: Momma...with POPS...doing...well WHO KNOWS what...!
THOUGHT BUBBLE, POPS IS SPOONING FOOD INTO BUNNY’S MOUTH OVER A ROMANTIC DINNER TABLE, SHE BEGINS CHOKING AND FALLS OVER. POPS GRINS AND LAUGHS MANIACALLY, HOLDING UP A BOTTLE OF POISON.
JOHNNY: That BASTARD! [SITS UP, HURRIES TO DOOR, STOPS] Grounded or not, I gotta save my Momma from that fat, old-
HE GRABS THE DOORKNOB, BEGINS SHAKING AND SWEATING, OBVIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE. WORSENS AS THE DOORKNOB TURNS, AS THOUGH DOING SO IS CAUSING PHYSICAL PAIN, UNTIL FINALLY HE GASPS AND GIVES UP.
JOHNNY: Awww, I hate being grounded...!
HE DEJECTEDLY LAYS BACK ON HIS BED, ARMS BEHIND HIS HEAD.
JOHNNY: This is the worst thing that ever happened to anyone ever! Pops is probably undressin’ her with his eyes right now! And when she gets back, I’ll know that she’s actually...EYE-NAKED! [INTENSE SHIVER OF REVULSION] Maybe I can just relax and pass the time until Momma gets home...
HE GOES TO HIS DRESSER AND, IN A BRIEF SERIES OF SNAPPING, BLURRED MOTIONS, HE’S DRESSED IN HIS TIGER-STRIPED PAJAMAS. HE GIVES HIMSELF AN APPROVING WINK AND GRIN IN THE MIRROR BEFORE LAYING DOWN ON HIS BED. HE PULLS A FITNESS MAGAZINE OUT FROM THE BEDSIDE DRAWER, BEGINS FLIPPING THROUGH IT. ZOOM IN ON ONE IMAGE OF A WOMAN RUBBING TANNING OIL ON A MAN’S BACK. THEIR FACES SUDDENLY TURN INTO BUNNY AND POPS. POPS WINKS AT JOHNNY.
JOHNNY: AAAAAH!
HE TOSSES THE MAGAZINE AWAY ONTO HIS FLOOR, LOOKING SHAKEN, PULLS OUT A DIET MAGAZINE. ZOOM IN ON AD SHOWING MAN POPPING CHAMPAGNE CORK, SPRAYING A WOMAN WITH THE FIZZ. THEIR FACES ONCE TURN INTO BUNNY AND POPS. POPS WINKS AT JOHNNY AND RUBS THE BOTTLE SUGGESTIVELY.
JOHNNY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
HE THROWS THE SECOND MAGAZINE AWAY WITH THE FIRST, SHAKES AS HE PULLS OUT A COMIC BOOK, HESITANTLY OPENING IT UP TO A PAGE SHOWING TWO SPANDEX-CLAD MEN GRAPPLING WITH CARTOONISH SOUND BUBBLES. HE SIGHS IN RELIEF. ZOOM IN ON PANEL WITH THE VILLAIN GRAPPLING THE HERO FROM BEHIND. THE TOP MAN’S FACE TURNS INTO POPS AND THE BOTTOM’S INTO JOHNNY’S OWN FACE. POPS WINKS AT JOHNNY AND MAKES HIP THRUSTING MOTIONS WITH ACCOMPANYING GRUNTS.
EXT: BRAVO HOUSE
JOHNNY (from inside): AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
INT: BRAVO HOUSE, JOHNNY’S BEDROOM
JOHNNY IS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH ON HIS BED IN A FETAL POSITION, WHIMPERING. HE PULLS THE COVERS OVER HIS HEAD, SHAKING UNDERNEATH, NOISES OF FEAR AND REVULSION FADING INTO TIRED YAWNS UNTIL HE STARTS SNORING LOUDLY AND VISIBLY UNDERNEATH.
DISSOLVE TO DREAM SEQUENCE
JOHNNY IS STANDING IN AN ELYSIAN FIELD, FAINT WIND MAKING THE GRASS SWAY.
BUNNY (from offscreen): [ETHEREALLY] Johnny!
JOHNNY LOOKS AND SEES WAVING FIGURE IN THE DISTANCE NEXT TO A LARGE TREE.
JOHNNY: Momma...?
JOHNNY STARTS RUNNING TOWARD HER.
BUNNY: Jooooohnyyyyy...!
JOHNNY: Momma!
BUNNY: Joooooohnyyyyyyy...!
JOHNNY: MOMMAAAAA!
BUNNY’S FIGURE FADES INTO CLEAR VIEW, WEARING A WEDDING DRESS AND VEIL, HOLDING FLOWERS, WITH POPS STANDING NEXT TO HER IN A WHITE TUXEDO T-SHIRT, SILHOUETTE OBSCURED BY THE TREE. JOHNNY STOPS DEAD.
JOHNNY: Whaaaa-...
BUNNY: Johnny! You missed the entire ceremony!
JOHNNY: Buh-
POPS: Oh, it’s alright, son, the important thing is that your mother and I are married. Besides, y’didn’t miss much- we just went through the drive-thru! Now come along, bugaboo, we’re going to have our honeymoon at my diner!
BUNNY: Oh how romantic! I truly don’t know what’s good for me!
POPS: I’m so lucky that you’ve fallen for my devious charms, and that you didn’t listen to your son who only has your best interests at heart and saw right through my nefarious facade. Now let’s cut him out of our lives completely, we’ve got a lotta consumatin’ t’do!
BUNNY: Bye bye forever, Johnny; I’m less a person and more a possession that another man has stolen from you! You’ll never see me again, since I lack any agency of my own!
THEY’RE DRAWING AWAY, WITHOUT WALKING, INTO THE DISTANCE, WAVING, JOHNNY STARTS RUNNING TRYING TO CATCH UP.
JOHNNY: Momma, MOMMA! Wait, WAIT!!!
POPS: [DREAMILY] Iiii’m gonna defiiiile yoooour motherrrrrr...!!!
BUNNY AND POPS VANISH IN A TWINKLE OF LIGHT, JOHNNY TRIPS AND FALLS ONTO HIS FACE. A PAIR OF LEGS APPEAR NEXT TO HIM.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hey there, Johnny, let me help you up!
JOHNNY LOOKS UP AS CARL HELPS HIM TO HIS FEET.
JOHNNY: [SIGHS HEAVILY, DUSTS HIMSELF OFF. GRUDGINGLY] Thanks, Carl...
CARL: Don’t mention it, step-brother o’mine!
JOHNNY FREEZES.
JOHNNY: ...Come again?
CARL: Oh, did Pops never mention?
THE SCENERY SUDDENLY SHIFTS INTO BEING MUCH DARKER AND HORRIFIC, STORM CLOUDS AND A DARKENED SKY, WITH PLANTS AND GRASS BECOMING GNARLED AND MENACING
CARL: His horrible, wrinkly, filthy dangly bits are what brought ME into this world!
SFX. THUNDER CRASH
CARL: That’s right, his full name is Pops Chryniszzswics, (as far as you know)! And as we speak, he’s rubbing his old, fat, dirty body all over your mother’s innocent, delicate form, and that means you and I...
JOHNNY: NO...
CARL GROWS UNTIL JOHNNY’S VISION IS FILLED WITH CARL’S FACE.
CARL: ARE RELATED!!!
SFX. THUNDER CRASH, DRAMATIC LATIN CHANTING. JOHNNY SCREAMS AS THE WORLD SPINS AROUND HIM WITH POPS AND CARL LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY, FALLING INTO THE ELDRITCH SPIN-ART BACKGROUND.
FADE DISSOLVE TO JOHNNY’S BEDROOM
JOHNNY IS THRASHING UNDERNEATH HIS SHEETS AS HE WAKES UP.
JOHNNY: No, no not that...ANYTHING but that...!!! [THROWS THE SHEETS OFF] MOMMAAAAAAAA!!!
HE CATCHES HIS BREATH AS HE REALIZES IT WAS A DREAM, LEANING BACK AGAINST HIS HEADBOARD.
JOHNNY: Just a dream, Johnny...just a dream...a stupid...impossible dream. Heh, Pops’ last name isn’t Chryniszzswics... [EYEBROWS POP UP] Or is it?!
HE LEAPS OUT OF BED AND RUNS TO THE DOOR, ONLY TO IMMEDIATELY TURN AROUND AND SLUMP BACK TOWARD THE BED, FLOPPING FACEDOWN INTO IT BEFORE ROLLING OVER ON THE MUSSED SHEETS, HIS TIGER-STRIPED PAJAMAS WRINKLED.
JOHNNY: What am I gonna do...? I gotta stop Momma from letting Pops do unspeakable things to her... but Momma’s the one that grounded me...! It’s hopeless...
JOHNNY SITS UP ONTO THE EDGE OF THE BED, RESTING ELBOWS ON KNEES AND HIS CHIN ON HIS HANDS. SLOW ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE
JOHNNY: I just wish there was something I could do...
SFX. EXPLOSION
RED LIGHT FILLS THE ROOM FROM BEHIND JOHNNY AS A SHOCKWAVE OF WIND HITS HIM, MAKING HIS HAIR LEAN WHILE HIS EYEBROWS POP UP IN SURPRISE.
BOOMING VOICE: JOHNNY BRAVO...!
JOHNNY TURNS TO LOOK AT THE SOURCE OF THE LIGHT JUST AS A MUSHROOM CLOUD APPEARS WITH ANOTHER BOOM, THE LIGHT SLOWLY DISSIPATING TO REVEAL A TALL, HULKING FIGURE STANDING IN ITS PLACE, HOLDING A STAFF AS TALL AS HE IS TOPPED WITH A LARGE YELLOW FIVE-POINTED STAR. HIS FORM IS SHROUDED IN SHADOW FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT.
JORGEN: I...AM YOUR FAIRY GODPARENT!
“FAIRY GODPARENT” APPEARS WITH JORGEN’S WORDS IN BOLD, EXTREME TYPEFACE THAT LIGHTS ON FIRE AND SHINES AUDIBLY, LASERS SHOOTING OUT AROUND IT IN A HALO, SMOKE BILLOWING FROM BEHIND.
SOUND FADES OUT, DRAMATIC SHADOWS AND LIGHTING DISAPPEAR, AWKWARD SILENCE, JORGEN LOOKS DOWN AT JOHNNY STANDING BEFORE HIM. (LOGO DISAPPEARS BETWEEN CUTS) JOHNNY ARCHES AN EYEBROW. JORGEN DOES THE SAME.
JORGEN: Uh...is this the Bravo residence...?
JOHNNY NODS.
JORGEN: ...And, uh...are you Johnny Bravo...?
JOHNNY RAPIDLY DOES HIS TRADEMARK POSING AND SHOUTING.
JOHNNY: HIH, HAH, HUH! The one and only.
JORGEN: ...[UNIMPRESSED SILENCE] You do not look like a sad and lonely little boy.
JOHNNY: Little boy?! [JOHNNY GLARES UP AT JORGEN] I am a MAN, Mister Fancy Camo-Pants! And who’re you, Princess of the Army?
JORGEN: [LOOKS UP AT HIS CROWN, SCOWLS AND GLARES BACK DOWN AT JOHNNY] I am Jorgen Von Strangle, and I am your FAIRY GODPARENT!
“FAIRY GODPARENT” APPEARS LIKE IT DID BEFORE, JOHNNY COUGHS, WAVING AWAY THE DRAMATIC FOG, SHOVES THE LOGO AWAY.
JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah, I heard... Now get outta my room! Momma says I’m not supposed to have guests over when I’m grounded!
JORGEN: [EYEBROW] Your... mother grounded you...?
JOHNNY: [POUTING] Yeah...
JORGEN: ...You did say you were a man...right?
JOHNNY: Do I need to repeat myself, G.I. Jorge?
A PURPLE BOOK LABELLED “DA RULES: 9TH TURNED EDITION APPEARS WITH A POOF. JORGEN PLACES READING GLASSES ON AND STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH IT.
JOHNNY: Hey! This ain’t no readin’ library! ... Or any other type’a library!
JORGEN IGNORES JOHNNY, FINGER-READS ALONG A PASSAGE IN THE BOOK JOHNNY TAPS FOOT IMPATIENTLY.
JORGEN: In accordance with Action 7 of the Turned Era, any and all mortal beings shall be considered candidates for godchildhood as long as they meet the following criteria...
JOHNNY: Hey!
JORGEN: [MUMBLE MUTTER]...intelligent and sapient life, (see appendix C for definitions)...[MUMBLE MUTTER]
JOHNNY: Hey!
JORGEN: [MUMBLE MUTTER]...child-like qualities, whether physical, emotional, or mental, (as outlined in chapter 7 of section Q)...
JOHNNY: I’m talkin’ to you!!
JORGEN: [MUMBLE MUTTER]...does not suffer from any hardship greater than that which is deemed a “first-world problem”, (see appendix B-53)...
JOHNNY: HEEEEY!
JORGEN: [MUMBLE MUTTER] ...and in accordance, no assignments may be protested, appealed, or otherwise complained about by any godparent within the first 96 Hours of assignment?!
JOHNNY: [DEEP BREATH] HEEE-[SUDDENLY STOPS] 96 Hours? That’s almost 97 hours!
JORGEN (deadpan): ...Almost. [SNAPS BOOK SHUT, IT AND HIS GLASSES DISAPPEAR IN A POOF, TURNS AWAY FROM JOHNNY AND STROKES HIS CHIN IN THOUGHT] Obviously there has been some mistake... one which I cannot rectify until the allotted trial time has passed! But, it is nonetheless my duty to carry out my assignment! And if there is one fairy in all of Fairydom who exemplifies duty, it is I! [TURNS BACK AROUND TO FACE JOHNNY] Johnny Bravo. Though it may be a crime against language itself to refer to you as my god-”child”, [FINGER AIR-QUOTES] I am nonetheless honor-bound to take you as my charge for at least the next three days. [MUTTERS TO HIMSELF] And hopefully not a moment longer.
JOHNNY: What the heck are you talking about, Chin-Shelf?
JORGEN SELF-CONSCIOUSLY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CHIN, FROWNS AND GLARES AT JOHNNY AGAIN.
JORGEN: I have been assigned by the Fey Courts of New Fairy World, in keeping with the laws set forth by the Treaty of the Fair Folk Summit on Day Zero of the Turned Era, to be...your FAIRY GOD-
JOHNNY PUNCHES THE LOGO AS SOON AS IT APPEARS, SHATTERING IT.
JORGEN: ...That was very rude, human.
JOHNNY: I don’t care what kinda namby-pamby outfit you’re runnin, flattop, but Johnny Bravo, HIH, HAH, HUH! [POSE]... don’t need no babysitter!
JORGEN: Ugh, I am not a babysitter! [MUTTER]...In name, anyway.[/MUTTER] I am Jorgen Von Strangle, the toughest, strongest, manliest Fairy Godparent in all of fairydom! [POSING AND FLEXING, DRAMATIC EFFECTS]
JOHNNY: [100% SARCASTIC]That must have had some fierce competition.
JORGEN: [SNAPS OUT OF POSING] Do not mock me, puny human man-child!
JOHNNY: Or what, you’ll smack me with your glowing lollipop?
JORGEN: Uugh...This is a magic wand! For magic! Like, granting wishes? What part of Fairy God-
JOHNNY RAISES A PREPARATORY FIST, EXPECTING ANOTHER LOGO, JORGEN BACKHANDS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.
JORGEN: ...What part of Fairy Godparent do you not understand?
JOHNNY: Well, base concept, obviously!
JORGEN SIGHS AND WAVES HIS WAND, VISUAL AIDS APPEARING AS HE SPEAKS.
JORGEN: For eons, the children of mortals have suffered injustice, cruelty, hunger, and worst of all...boredom. The Fairies of old charged themselves with using their magic of wish fulfillment to aid the mortal children, granting them whatever their hearts may desire. (Save it in no way affects their financial or societal standing for any lasting period.) But some children... [“CERTAIN” CHILDREN’S PICTURES APPEAR, CULMINATING WITH TIMMY TURNER] proved to cause more chaos and suffering than any of my people could stand to permit any longer... We still hold to the vow of our ancestors, but now...
HE WAVES HIS WAND AGAIN, THE VISIONS DISAPPEAR, ARE REPLACED WITH A POOF BY A VISION OF A GIGANTIC VERSION OF THE RULEBOOK HE WAS READING EARLIER, FLIPS THROUGH SILHOUETTES ILLUSTRATING JORGEN’S SPEECH.
JORGEN: The Fey Council, appointed after the Final War of the Turning, play by new rules...Codified in the wake of the darkest age Fairydom has ever seen. Only the strongest of fairies have survived, and we have become even stronger, tougher, more manly, to better guard against the abuse of magic by mortals. So while we still protect and serve the children of mortals...we also protect them from themselves.
THE BOOK VANISHES, JORGEN STEPS THROUGH THE POOF OF SMOKE AND SQUARES HIMSELF IN FRONT OF JOHNNY.
JORGEN: I shall grant you your dearest wishes, your deepest desires...but know this, Johnny Bravo! I will not hesitate to punish you for any attempt to misuse my magic! I stand sentinel to keep you from any action that might threaten the world, the cosmos, or the fabric of reality itself!
JORGEN SLAMS HIS STAFF DOWN ON THE FLOOR, THE STAR GLOWING FIERCELY
JORGEN: So now I ask you this, Johnny Bravo, whom I have been charged with as my Godchild...What...is your first wish?!
JOHNNY IS SNORING AND DROOLING SLIGHTLY ON HIS BED. JORGEN SCOWLS AND SLAMS HIS WAND DOWN ON THE BED, MAKING JOHNNY BOUNCE OUT WITH A YELP ONTO HIS FEET.
JOHNNY: Whazzzahapenein?! I was havin’ the weirdest dream about some roid-raging psycho-
JORGEN: [LEANS IN, WAND GLOWING MENACINGLY] WHAT IS YOUR FIRST WISH?!
JOHNNY: [SCREAM SHRILLY, STOPS AND SMIRKS KNOWINGLY]...Oooooh, okay, I get it! Still dreaming... [SHRUGS, SPEAKS DRAMATICALLY] I wish for a sandwich!
JORGEN: ...A sandwich.
JOHNNY: Yeah. Can dream-genies not do sandwiches?
JORGEN SCOWLS, WAND GLOWS. A SANDWICH APPEARS IN JOHNNY’S HAND.
JOHNNY: ...Ahem, no crust.
JORGEN’S WAND BLINKS, AND THE CRUST VANISHES. JOHNNY SMILES SMUGLY AND TAKES A BITE, EYEBROWS SHOOTING UP AS HE CHEWS.
JOHNNY: This sandwich is AMAZING!
JORGEN: Of course it is. Food granted by wishes is next to Ambrosia- its very flavor shifting on your tongue to suit your palate, every bite making-
JOHNNY: [LICKING CRUMBS OFF HIS FINGERS] Yeah yeah yeah, gimme another.
JORGEN: [SCOWLS, SLUMPS AFTER BEING INTERRUPTED AGAIN]...You have to wish for it.
JOHNNY: Eh?
JORGEN: You have to wish for it. I will not grant you a wish unless you use specific wording to make it clear that you want me to grant it. It is part of the pact we share as godparent, and godchild, lest an errant word bring ruin upon you.
JOHNNY: ...Eh?
JORGEN: [LEANS IN AGAIN, WAND GLOWING RED AND ANGRY] JUST SAY ‘I wish for another sandwich!’
JOHNNY (panicked): I wish for another sandwich!
ANOTHER SANDWICH APPEARS WITH A POOF (SANS CRUST), JOHNNY BEGINS EATING IT HAPPILY WITH BULGING CHEEKS. JORGEN SIGHS.
JORGEN: ...At least I no longer question why I got this assignment.
JOHNNY (with mouth full): Y’got any mayo?
JORGEN: [SIGH] Noooo, but you could wish for some...
JOHNNY: [SWALLOWS] Aww, come on, y’mean every time?
JORGEN: YES, EVERY TIME! You got ONE FREEBIE when I removed your thrice-damned crust for you, but that was IT!
JOHNNY: Pff, I wish you weren’t such a jackass...
JORGEN: ...
JOHNNY: ...
JORGEN: ...
JOHNNY: ...Aren’t you gonna-
JORGEN: I am not obligated to waste my magical energies to grant every inane wish that passes your puny mortal lips, Johnny Bravo. [UNDER HIS BREATH] Any more, thank the Great Fairy...
JOHNNY: Oh yeah? Well this is my dream, jughead, so I’m just gonna imagine you into being mayonnaise! Delicious, Whiter-Than-Minnesota MAYONNAISE!
JORGEN: ...This is not a dream.
JOHNNY IS MAKING WHOOSHING NOISES AND WAGGLING HIS FINGERS AT JORGEN, EYEBROWS KNIT IN CONCENTRATION.
JORGEN: ...Stop that.
JOHNNY MAKES LOUDER NOISES AND STARTS SWAYING AND GYRATING HIS BODY WHILE STILL WIGGLING IN JORGEN’S DIRECTION.
JORGEN: Stop. That.
FINGER WIGGLING INTENSIFIES.
JORGEN: This is not a dream you insufferable man-child!
JOHNNY: Oh yeah? Prove it!
JORGEN POINTS AND THRUSTS HIS WAND AT JOHNNY LIKE A RAPIER, HE DISAPPEARS WITH A POOF.
EXT: NON-SPECIFIC SKY
A TINY SILHOUETTE OF JOHNNY APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE FRAME, IMMEDIATELY BEGINNING TO FALL.
JOHNNY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
WHEN HE REACHES THE BOTTOM OF THE FRAME, HE DISAPPEARS AGAIN.
INT: BRAVO RESIDENCE, JOHNNY’S BEDROOM
JOHNNY REAPPEARS A FOOT ABOVE THE BED AND FALLS HARD INTO IT, MAKING A DEEP IMPRESSION IN THE MATTRESS FACE-DOWN. JORGEN IS SITTING WITH ONE LEG CROSSED, READING ONE OF JOHNNY’S MAGAZINES. HE DOESN’T LOOK UP.
JORGEN: Are we awake now?
JOHNNY: [MUFFLED, IN PAIN] Yes.
JORGEN: Good.
JORGEN SETS THE MAGAZINE ASIDE AND WAVES HIS WAND, JOHNNY LEVITATES OUT OF THE BED, THE HOLE SPRINGING UP AND CLOSING BEHIND HIM. HIS HEAD REMAINS STATIONARY WHILE HIS BODY SPINS AND TURNS FACE UP. JORGEN GETS A SURPRISED EXPRESSION AND WAVES HIS WAND AGAIN, JOHNNY’S HEAD SPINS BACK AROUND TO MATCH HIS BODY. HE FALLS BACK DOWN ONTO THE BED.
JORGEN: I hope that was sufficient to disabuse you of your foolishness. But, make no mistake, Johnny Bravo. I am not here to be your tormentor. I have been given divine direction to protect and guide you, a duty which I shall uphold. Though I may bring upon you punishment, it is done with the love of parent to child.
A HEAVENLY LIGHT SURROUNDS JORGEN.
JORGEN: Though our time may be short, I shall help you to achieve that which you desire most in your heart of hearts! To bring light and meaning into your pathetic, puny, mortal life!
THE LIGHT FADES AWAY SUDDENLY WHEN JORGEN STARTS SHOUTING ABOUT JOHNNY’S PUNY MORTAL LIFE, SLOWLY FADES BACK IN.
JORGEN: So think, Johnny Bravo, on what it is that that distresses you. What is it that has caused you such despair that the intertwinings of fate bid me to serve you?
JOHNNY SWIFTLY SITS UP FROM WHERE HE’S BEEN LAYING IN THE BED THIS WHOLE TIME.
JOHNNY: POPS!
JORGEN: ...If you want a drink, you still have to wish-
JOHNNY: No no no, not pop, Pops! He’s a greasy, dirty old man with a greasy, dirty diner, and he’s DATIN’ MY MOMMA!
JORGEN: [UNDERSTANDING AND EMPATHETIC] Aaah, and you, of course, fear losing the love of your mother to another man.
JOHNNY: [INDIGNANTLY] NO! Noooo! ...No! ...I mean, Momma’d never stop lovin’ me... It’s just, Pops is just...gross!
JORGEN: But what man could possibly be worthy of the woman you hold so dear? [STARTS GETTING MISTY-EYED] The woman who loved you...stood by you...made you enamel-friendly lunches every day...!
JOHNNY: Yeah, I guess...
JORGEN: Only for someone you once thought a friend swoops in with his stupid pointy ears, and his stupid puny head that you want to crushbetween your manly pectoral muscles for daring to take your wife!
JOHNNY: Yeaaah- wait, what?
JORGEN: YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE MY VENGEANCE FOREVER, BINKY ABDUL! THE DIVORCE IS NOT YET FINALIZED! SHE IS TOO GOOD FOR YOUR TINY... TINYNESS!
JOHNNY: Uuuuh
JORGEN (starts sobbing): TOOTH FAIRYYYYY, WHYYYYY?!
JORGEN IS CRYING EVEN LOUDER THAN HE WAS SHOUTING, HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS.
JOHNNY: ...Uh...dude, are you okay?
JORGEN: [SUDDENLY LOOKS UP, EXPRESSION NEUTRAL] Anger, Denial, and Depression are all important parts of the grieving process.
JOHNNY: ...What about Bargaining?
JORGEN: I’ll give you another sandwich if this conversation ends now.
JOHNNY: Deal.
ANOTHER SANDWICH POOFS IN FRONT OF JOHNNY, WHICH HE GOBBLES DOWN. JORGEN STANDS, SEEMINGLY UNPHASED BY HIS SUDDEN SOB-SESSION.
JORGEN: In spite of my projection, this is not about me. Your mother is in the clutches of a degenerate. What do you wish me to do about it?
JORGEN LOOKS DOWN AT JOHNNY EXPECTANTLY, MUSIC BECOMES TENSE AND BUILDING. ZOOM ON JOHNNY’S FACE, CHEEKS FULL. HE SWALLOWS, AND HIS EYEBROWS DRAW DOWN IN DETERMINATION. JOHNNY STANDS UP ON HIS BED, FISTS CLENCHED IN FRONT OF HIM.
JOHNNY: I wish my Momma would dump Pops’ stupid, fat ass and come back home to her baby boy! [MUSIC CUTS OUT]...That’s me!
JORGEN NODS SOLEMNLY AND RAISES HIS WAND ABOVE HIS HEAD, GLOWING BRIGHTLY...IT BLINKS OUT AND FLOPS IMPOTENTLY. JORGEN SIGHS IN DEFEAT.
JORGEN: Ah... I was afraid of this.
JOHNNY: Well? Is she on her way home to unground me and apologize?
JORGEN: I cannot grant you this wish, Johnny. I am sorry.
JOHNNY: What?!
JORGEN: The Rules say that a Fairy Godparent’s wish cannot interfere with True Love.
JOHNNY: True Love?! Like...with a capital T-L?
JORGEN: Precisely.
JOHNNY: Pops is actually in LOVE with my momma?!
JORGEN LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE, EYES DART TO THE SIDE AS HE DRUMS HIS FINGERS ON HIS WAND.
JOHNNY: What? What is it?
JORGEN: Your mother does indeed have True Love affection for this Pops man. That is what blocks my magic. But that is all.
JOHNNY: ...[GENUINELY CONCERNED] So what you’re saying is... Pops...?
JORGEN: I’m afraid Pops does not return your mother’s true love. Not right now, at least. It was only your mother’s love that prevented your wish.
JOHNNY: Awwww, come ON! Can’t you bend the rules just once? If he don’t love my Momma back, then it can’t be True Love! Just ask Disney!
JORGEN: It is no mere rule that binds my hands, Johnny. True Love is the most powerful magic in all of existence! It is a simple magic, but every fairy in New Fairy World working in concert could not break it! However I might try...I am incapable of granting your wish.
BRIEF FADE-AWAY OF A HYPOTHETICAL OF DOZENS OF FAIRIES TRYING TO BREAK AN ABSTRACT GLOWING HEART AND FAILING
JOHNNY: [UPSET AND PETULANT] Well, what kinda genie-
JORGEN: Fairy.
JOHNNY: -leprechaun are you if you can’t fix what’s wrong with my life?! You said it yourself- Pops is why you’re here in the first place!
JORGEN: A Fairy Godparent is not meant to “fix” a godchild’s life. We are a balm to ease the pain of life, so that you might be strong enough to improve your life by your own power!
JOHNNY: Well that’s vague and nonspecific.
JORGEN: It makes it easier to justify maintaining the status quo.
JOHNNY: UUUUUGh. [FLOPS BACK ONTO HIS BED, LAYS FOR A MOMENT, SITS BACK UP SHARPLY] Well what the heck CAN you do?
JORGEN: Well, there was the sandwich.
JOHNNY: Oh, yeah.
JORGEN: But surely there are other, non-sandwich things that you desire.
JOHNNY: Like a burger?! [BROAD GRIN]
JORGEN: ...I said non-sandwich.
JOHNNY: It’s a burger, not a sandwich!
JORGEN: A BURGER IS A KIND OF SANDWICH.
JOHNNY: ...Whoa. You just blew my mind, man.
JORGEN: An epic achievement, I’m sure.
JOHNNY: Well can I at LEAST wish I knew if Pops and Carl are related?
JORGEN: What...? Who the hell is Carl?
JOHNNY: Can ya do it, or not?!
JORGEN: [DEJECTED EYEROLL, WAND LIGHTS UP] Yes. This, I can do. Picture this Pops and this Carl in your mind...
MUSIC BECOMES VAGUELY ETHEREAL AND MYSTIC, JOHNNY DOES “THE THINKER”, ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE. FADE IN A THOUGHT BUBBLE OF POPS’ AND CARL’S PROFILES FACING EACH OTHER OVER JOHNNY’S HEAD.
JORGEN: And I grant you the knowledge of what binds of blood may be between these two mortals...
SUDDEN, GAME-SHOW X MARK AND BUZZER NOISE, THOUGHT BUBBLE POOFS AWAY
JOHNNY: OOOooooh thank gawd... [CLUTCHES AT HIS CHEST, SIGHING HEAVILY IN RELIEF]
JORGEN: Or, you know, thank your Fairy Godparent...
JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah, whatever. [DISMISSIVE WAVE]
JORGEN: [SCOWLS] I am cutting you a great deal of slack here, Bravo. I would appreciate-
JOHNNY: [VERY QUICKLY] I wish fer another sammich.
JORGEN: [PAUSES, CONSIDERS, CROSSES HIS ARMS OVER HIS CHEST] No. You’ll spoil your dinner.
JOHNNY: [EYEBROWS UP, HEAD SNAP TO GLARE AT JORGEN ANGRILY] I don’t have to listen to you! You’re not my real daddy!
JORGEN: I am your GOD-DADDY. ...FATHER. ...PARENT. WHATEVER! But if you want it to stay that way, you’re going to have to change your attitude, mister!
JOHNNY: ...So, that still a ‘no’ on the sandwich?
JORGEN: [FACEPALM] Great Fairy, give me strength...
JOHNNY: It’s just a sandwich!
JORGEN: It is an example! In three days time, the Council will review my assignment, and if logic has any meaning in this world, they will deem it invalid! I will be reassigned, and you will have no memory of me or of Fairydom! I can only hope that I can teach you something worthwhile in that time!
JOHNNY: [EYEBROW] Wait... no memory? Y’mean...I’ll forget you were ever here?
JORGEN: [NODS] It is in the rules.
JOHNNY SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY DEJECTED AND DEPRESSED, CASTS HIS GAZE DOWNWARD AND AWAY FROM JORGEN.
JORGEN: [SLIGHT HEAD TILT] But, surely you won’t care if you forget...right? I mean, I couldn’t even grant your wish to save your mother. [SHRUGS, TRYING TO PLAY IT OFF]
JOHNNY: Maybe...I just... I don’t remember nothin’ about my real daddy, neither.
JORGEN MAKES A PANICKED “OH SHIT THIS JUST GOT REAL” EXPRESSION, TRIES TO RELAX HIMSELF AND SIT ON THE BED NEXT TO JOHNNY (WHICH MAKES THE BED CREAK AND SHIFT AT THEIR SIZE DIFFERENCE AND LIFTING JOHNNY UP ON THE ONE SIDE TO NEARLY EYE LEVEL WITH JORGEN
JORGEN: Well... I was able to grant you a wish for knowledge of, erm, “Carl’s” progenation. It should not be difficult to restore your childhood memories. Or even to find out where he is now. ...If that’s what you want. [TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO MAKE IT AWKWARD EVEN THOUGH IT’S SO AWKWARD]
JOHNNY: [SNIFFLE] Well... I guess it might be... [ANGRY EXPRESSION, HUFFS AND STANDS] No. Y’know what? No. I got my momma, and that’s all I need. If he ain’t here t’be rememberin’ about, I don’t wanna be rememberin’ about when he was here t’be rememberin’ with!
JORGEN BRIEFLY MOVES HIS FINGER AND EYES, TRYING TO SORT OUT THAT SENTENCE.
JORGEN: That is... a surprisingly mature decision, Johnny.
JOHNNY: And if Pops thinks he can try t’be my daddy just because my momma loves him, well he’s got another thing comin’, cuz I got plenty a’ practice at hatin’ my daddy!
JORGEN: [BEMUSED EXPRESSION, SCOWLS] Well, almost mature.
JOHNNY: I don’t need no daddy to be a MAN! [POSING] The ladies already love me.
JORGEN: Yes, I’m sure your dates get positively oceanic when you tell them you live with your mother.
JOHNNY: [FROZEN IN POSE POSTURE] ...Well. Uh...
JORGEN: ...What?
JOHNNY: [DROPS OUT OF POSE, RUBS BACK OF HIS NECK] I ain’t exactly had a date in...kinda a while.
JORGEN: My mind, it is blown.
JOHNNY: No, really, I, uh...been worryin’ bout my momma too much to go out!
JORGEN: Surely the only leash on your otherwise unrestrained virility.
JOHNNY: No, I don’t got a dog, neither.
JORGEN GIVES A LONG-SUFFERING GLANCE TO THE CAMERA.
JOHNNY: But, hey! I’ve got a magic chameleon now!
JORGEN BEFUDDLEDLY MOUTHS “CHAMELEON” AND SCRATCHES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF AND CONFUSION
JOHNNY: I wish...for a GIRLFRIEND!
JORGEN: [BEAT, SCOWLS, STANDS] That presents almost the same problem as the last wish!
JOHNNY: What problem? That sandwich was delicious!
JORGEN: [FACEPALM] I meant the one about your mother and Pops!
JOHNNY: Say what now?
JORGEN: [ANNOYED GROAN] There are two ways I could conceivably grant that wish.
JORGEN WAVE HIS WAND, CONJURING A NEW THOUGHT BUBBLE SHOWING A “HOT BABE” WALKING ALONG SIDEWALK. SHE COMES ACROSS JOHNNY STANDING AND POSING, SHE LOOKS DISGUSTED.
JORGEN: I would either have to enchant the mind of a mortal female, causing her to be enthralled to you in body and mind!
HYPOTHETICAL BABE GETS MAGIC STARS AROUND HER HEAD, EYES TURN INTO HEARTS, SHE RIPS HER SHIRT OFF, LEAPS INTO HYPOTHETICAL JOHNNY’S ARMS.
JOHNNY: Now we’re talkin’!
JORGEN: No we are not! ...I mean, we are, but- ... The point is I’m not going to do that! [WAND WAVE, BUBBLE VANISHES]
JOHNNY: Aww...
JORGEN: Over the ages, far too many innocents have fallen under the sway of a child’s wish, magically robbed of their free will, with less than a 70% chance the child will learn a valuable lesson and release their human thrall!
ANOTHER BUBBLE POPS UP, SHOWING SILHOUETTES (TIMMY, COSMO+WANDA, TRIXIE). FAIRY SILHOUETTES WAVE WANDS, MAKE GIRL SILHOUETTE SPROUT HEARTS AND FAWN OVER MALE SILHOUETTE. POOFS AWAY WHEN JORGEN FINISHES TALKING.
JOHNNY: ...So-
JORGEN: I’M-NOT-DONE!
JOHNNY RECOILS IN SILENCE, JORGEN NARROWS EYES AT HIM, WAVES HIS WAND, ETHEREAL FORM OF “HOT BABE” APPEARS.
JORGEN: The other option used over the years is to conjure a completely new being of magic, only focused on devotion and servitude to the godchild who wished its existence!
HOT BABE IMAGE LEAPS AT JOHNNY, HE HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS AND PUCKERS HIS LIPS, SHE VANISHES BEFORE TOUCHING HIM.
JOHNNY: Aww...
JORGEN: And with 85% likelihood, the conjured life form would gain sentience, being driven to destroy all around their master that might steal their attention from them!
BABE APPEARS AGAIN, ALONG WITH IMAGE OF BUNNY, WHOM SHE VICIOUSLY ATTACKS IN A SCUFFLE CLOUD OF FLYING LIMBS.
JOHNNY: AAAAAAGH!
JORGEN WAVES AND MAKES THE IMAGE VANISH, JOHNNY CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.
JORGEN: And so you see, Johnny Bravo, if you wish for companionship, it must be obtained by YOU! ...With perhaps a wish or two to make you appear richer, smarter, more attractive-
JOHNNY: Immmmm-possible. [MIRROR POSE AND HAIR COMB] HIH HAH HUH!
JORGEN: [EYE ROLL] -which would still present a 4 in 5 chance that you would learn using superficial trappings to attain friends and lovers leads only to a shallow, materialistic existence!
JOHNNY IS STILL DOING HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR AND WINKING AT HIMSELF. JORGEN SCOWLS, MAGICS THE MIRROR INTO SHOWING THE HOT BABE, WHICH SNARLS AND LEAPS OUT OF THE MIRROR AT HIM BEFORE DISAPPEARING.
JOHNNY: AAAAAH! [DIVES UNDER THE BED SHEETS, SHIVERING IN FEAR]
JORGEN: PAY ATTENTION! [WHIPS OFF THE SHEETS, JOHNNY STOPS SHAKING WHEN HE REALIZES HE’S EXPOSED AND COMPOSES HIMSELF]
JOHNNY: Yeah, I get it, yet another wish you can’t grant. [POUTING]
JORGEN: I had hoped you would see the reasons why you shouldn’t be making that wish in the first place-
JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, provisos, quid pro croquet, blah, blah, blah.
JORGEN: [HEAVY SIGH] This is not insurmountable. Think- why is it that you wanted a girlfriend?
JOHNNY: ...Is this a trick question?
JORGEN: If you can identify the root cause of your wanting to wish for a girlfriend, perhaps you can wish for something else which will lead to what you want!
JOHNNY: ...So, trick question, yes, no?
JORGEN: THINK, JOHNNY.
JOHNNY: Well...uhm...well, I, uh...
JORGEN: Well?
JOHNNY: I kinda just, y’know, wanna, mmngngnnld...
JORGEN: Wanna what?
JOHNNY: I just wanna get...mn...hrmlyd...
JORGEN: Want to what?!
JOHNNY: [DESPERATELY] I WANNA GET LAAAAID!
JORGEN: [EYES BUG A BIT, LOPSIDED SCOWL] ...Well...that...um, that might be...
JOHNNY: I wanna do the horizontal tango, the four-legged foxtrot, the no pants mattress dance!
JORGEN: I-
JOHNNY: Make the beast with two backs, a bit of “‘ow’s yer father”, play “Hide the Sausage”, polish the dolphin, butter the biscuit, open the gates of Mordor and get mah DICK wet!
JORGEN: What-
JOHNNY: And NO HJ’s or BJ’s or CJ’s or DJ’s or ZJ’s or Blue J’s or Mary J’s!
JORGEN: What-
JOHNNY: Cuz any time I meet a hot momma with a J last name, it’s been nothin’ but trouble! She has t’have a PRETTY name...! Like Kardashian!
JORGEN: ...
JOHNNY: And she’ll think I’m the prettiest man on the planet and always wanna check my pecs and do the monkey with me-
JORGEN: Johnny-
JOHNNY: And she and Momma’ll make me sandwiches, then she’ll rub my feet while I play Medal of Duty 12!
JORGEN: Wait-
JOHNNY: And THEN we can have the BJ’s and HJ’s and CJ’s and DJ’s and ZJ’s, and if y’don’t know what a ZJ is, y’cant afford it!
JORGEN: That’s awful-
JOHNNY: And if it doesn’t work out, I can just wish for a NEW one!
JORGEN: Johnny, that’s absolutely deplorable-
JOHNNY: Cuz ain’t no lady can resist a seasoned love machine!
JORGEN: JOHNNY-
JOHNNY: Oh, wait, I forgot to wish for it, didn’t I? [AHEM] I WISH-
JORGEN: JOHNNY.
JOHNNY: Yo?
JORGEN: [SUPPRESSES SIMMERING ANGER, SPEAKING VERY SLOWLY AND CLEARLY] ...I am going to go out on a limb here...and guess...that you have NOT ever... called in a Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo.
JOHNNY: Who’s Charlie?
JORGEN: GRRRR. YOU’VE. NEVER. HAD. SEX!
JOHNNY: ... ... ... Whaaaaaaaaaat? That’s craaaaazy! Of course I have! Don’t be stupid!
JORGEN: [NOT AMUSED GLARE]
THEY STARE BACK AND FORTH, NEITHER CHANGING EXPRESSION.
JOHNNY: [SUDDENLY SLUMPS] No...
JORGEN: [EXHALES IN RELIEF NOW THAT HE’S ADMITTED IT, SPEAKS SLOWLY] Alright, Johnny...I want you to think carefully about exactly what it is you want from this wish. What, particularly, do you want to be different than the way things are now? Unless you word your wish very specifically, it could all go wrong. Trust me- I’ve seen plenty a monkey’s paw in my time.
JOHNNY: ...Is that-
JORGEN: MONKEY’S PAW IS NOT A EUPHEMISM.
JOHNNY STOPS TO CONTEMPLATE, NODS TO HIMSELF AFTER A MINUTE, LOOKS UP AT JORGEN WITH SHOULDERS BACK, MUSIC SWELLS
JOHNNY: I wish to lose my virginity to the hottest, sexiest, most bodacious bod in all of Aron City! [MUSIC CUTS OUT] ...Other than me. [WHIPCRACK POSE] Ha-ha, almost screwed myself, there!
JORGEN MAKES A SMALL, SUPPRESSED SMIRK AND HEFTS HIS WAND INTO THE AIR, THE STAR GLOWS AND HUMS BEFORE PALE RED LIGHTNING SHOOTS OUT OF IT, OUT OF THE HOUSE, OUT TO THE EDGES OF THE CITY.
CUT TO SHOTS OF THE BOLTS PASSING THROUGH RANDOM CITIZENS, MAKING THEM SHUDDER BUT OTHERWISE NOT SEEING THEM. OPTIONS TO DEPICT;
- @ THE HOSPITAL
  - DR. ALFON
  - THE NURSE
  - MASTER HAMA
- @ THE BEACH
  - BUSTER, THE SHARK W/RICHARD NIXON MASK
  - FRANNY
  - ANDY
  - DONNY OSMOND
  - LUKE PERRY
  - ADAM WEST
- @ THE ZOO
  - MARY THE ZOOKEEPER
  - FLUFFY THE WEREWOLF
  - PINK GORILLA W/TOUPEE
  - LAWRENCE THE CAMEL
  - CHRONO BEAR
- @ THE JUNGLE/FOREST
  - JUNGLE BOY
  - KING RAYMEN
  - VIVIAN VIXEN
  - CHRISTOPHER THE ELEPHANT
  - CAROL THE ANTELOPE
- THE SCOOBY GANG
  - +JEBEDISSA BRAVO
- @ SECRET MAD SCIENTIST LAIR
  - HEATHER ASPLUND
  - JANE BONDED
  - DR. PENCILNECK
  - DR. FILANIEST
  - POOKY THE CAT
- MAURICE THE ANGEL/DEREK THE DEVIL
- THE ROUND POUND (HIP HOP GROUP)
AFTER A FEW JOLTS, ONE APPROACHES CARL AND LITTLE SUZY.
JOHNNY (FROM OFF SCREEN): NNNNOPE!!!
THE BOLT GOES POINTEDLY AROUND THE TWO OF THEM, THEY LOOK UP AS THEY PASS, SHRUG AND GO BACK TO WHATEVER IT WAS THEY WERE DOING.
ONE OR TWO MORE RANDOM CAMEOS, THEN TO POPS AND BUNNY (BOWLING), POPS IS STANDING BEHIND BUNNY HELPING HER HOLD THE BALL. A BOLT PASSES THROUGH THEM.
BUNNY: Oooohooo...! Pops, did you feel that...?
POPS: I did, my little bun-bon...pure animal magnetism!
BUNNY GIGGLES AS THEY THROW THE BALL IN TANDEM, WHICH BUZZES AND ZAPS AND OBLITERATES THE PINS.
ALL THE BOLTS RECOLLECT ON JORGEN’S WAND, COVERING JORGEN’S BODY AND PASSING THROUGH HIM AS WELL BEFORE DISAPPEARING INTO THE WAND’S STAR. HE OPENS HIS EYES, A SPARK OF RED IN THEM. HE SLOWLY SMILES, EYEBROWS DRAWING DOWN INTO A MALICIOUS EXPRESSION, HIS VOICE HEAVY WITH GRAVITAS.
JORGEN: ...So be it.
JOHNNY IS GRINNING AND BOUNCING ON HIS FEET LIKE A GIDDY SCHOOLGIRL AS JORGEN WAVES HIS WAND, AN AURA OF MAGIC PICKING JOHNNY UP OFF THE GROUND AND LIFTING HIM ONTO HIS BED, LAYING HIM DOWN SPREAD EAGLE, ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TO EITHER SIDE, DOING NOTHING TO DISSUADE HIS ENTHUSIASTIC GRIN. JORGEN WAVES HIS WAND, THE ROOM BECOMES DECKED IN DEEP REDS, RINGED WITH CANDLES, SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS. JOHNNY’S FACE BECOMES EVEN MORE EXCITED. JORGEN STEPS UP TO THE BED AND SLAMS THE HAFT OF HIS WAND ON THE FLOOR, LEAVING IT STANDING IN PLACE. HE PRESSES THE BUTTON ON HIS CHEST, LETTING THE JETPACK HARNESS DETACH AND FALL FROM HIS TORSO AS HE CROSSES HIS ARMS AT HIS WAIST TO TUG HIS TANK TOP UP AND OVER HIS HEAD. JOHNNY’S FACE FALLS LIKE A BRICK, THE MUSIC STOPS WITH A SCRATCH.
JOHNNY: Uuuh...w-wait, what? Why’re you...what is this?!
JORGEN: This, Johnny Bravo... [NOW SHIRTLESS, DOES FLEXING POSES] is the hottest, sexiest, most bodacious bod in all of Aron City!!! [FREEZES IN FLEX POSE, TURNS AND GLANCES AT JOHNNY, SMIRKING] Other than you.
JOHNNY: What. WHAT. NO, NO NO, ABORT WISH, ABORT WISH!
JORGEN: [LAUGHS WITH BARELY RESTRAINED SADISTIC GLEE] Not a chance, puny human man-child! After all. I am your godparent... and I’ve decided... [HANDS GO TO HIS BELT, UNDO THE BUCKLE] that this is for your own good.
JOHNNY: But- but- but- it was supposed to be a BABE! Y-You...you’re not sexy! YOU’RE NOT BODACIOUS!
JORGEN: Objectively, I most certainly am. [HOLDS HIS BELT OFF TO HIS SIDE AND DROPS IT TO THE FLOOR] ...Also subjectively, but, hey, I get to interpret your wishes when you’re being a misguided, maladjusted, misogynistic, MORON. [HEFTS ONE LARGE, BOOTED FOOT ONTO THE BED TO START UNDOING THE LACES]
JOHNNY: AAAGH! [WAILS IN DESPAIR] Checkmated once again by dictionary definitions!
JORGEN: This time, I think they’ve “screwed” you, is more like. [TUGS OFF HIS BOOT AND SOCK, SHIFTS TO UNDO THE OTHER BOOT]
JOHNNY: What’re you, a thesaurus?!
JORGEN: More like a DICKtionary! BAHAHAHA [DISCARDS HIS SECOND BOOT, UNDOES HIS PANTS BUTTON]
JOHNNY: I WISH YOU’D STOP MAKING PUNS!
JORGEN: HA! Hahahaha... No. [DRAGS DOWN HIS ZIPPER AND SHUCKS HIS PANTS DOWNWARD, REVEALING A SEVERELY BULGING OLIVE-DRAB JOCK STRAP]
JOHNNY: But...but...I don’t WANNA fuck a DUDE!
JORGEN: Ohhh-hohoho, worry not, Johnny Bravo. [STEPS OUT OF HIS PANTS, HOLDS THEM UP AT ARM’S LENGTH TO HIS SIDE] You won’t. [DROPS THE PANTS OUT OF THE WAY] I am a nigh-divorcee of a sexless marriage... even before the Turning War, I hadn’t gotten any action in ages! So I’m not about to pass up this opportunity to pound some sense into you, [PUNCHES FIST INTO HIS OTHER HAND] BIBLICALLY! [PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS WAISTBAND] Because as my god-child, you are in severe need of some...tough love.
JOHNNY: ...More like rough love, am I right?
JORGEN: ...
JOHNNY: ...I use humor when I’m frightened.
JORGEN: ...I’mma take your virginity, now. [GRIN] Just like you wished.
CAMERA CUTS TO JOHNNY, ECLIPSED BY JORGEN’S SHADOW, SILHOUETTE SHOWING HIM FROM HIS KNEES UP. JORGEN BENDS OVER, STANDS BACK UP, PLANTS FISTS ON HIPS- THERE IS NO LONGER A GAP IN THE SHADOW BETWEEN HIS LEGS.
JOHNNY: Oh....MY....
EXT: BRAVO HOUSE
JOHNNY (from inside): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!!
JORGEN LAUGHS MANIACALLY AS CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS AND JOHNNY CONTINUES TO SCREAM, THE HOUSE WOBBLES AND ROCKS RIDICULOUSLY.
INT: BRAVO HOUSE, JOHNNY’S BEDROOM
JOHNNY AND JORGEN ARE LAYING SIDE-BY-SIDE IN JOHNNY’S BED, VISIBLY NUDE FROM THE WAIST UP, BEDSHEETS TO THEIR WAISTS. JOHNNY IS SHAKING AND SOBBING SILENTLY, JORGEN IS SMOKING A LARGE, THICK CIGAR.
JOHNNY: [SUDDENLY STOPS SHAKING AND CRYING] Wait-wait...Why are we laying side-by-side in bed with the sheets pulled up?
JORGEN: [EXHALES SMOKE] This is the “Suggestive” version of the script- I don’t actually assrape you until the Explicit X-Rated cut that continues the plot.
JOHNNY: Oh.
JORGEN EXHALES CONTENTEDLY, BRINGS CIGAR TO LIPS
JOHNNY: ...Can I have another sandwich?
IRIS OUT ON JORGEN’S CIGAR BURNING DOWN WHILE JORGEN GROWLS IN ANGER
fin
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JOHNNY & JORGEN