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Oden Have Mercy	By : Aysha Category: +G through L > How to Train Your Dragon Views: 22181 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own How to train your dragon, and I do not profit from this story

Chapter List
- 1-Oden Have Mercy
- 1
                            Oden Have Mercy!
A/N: This is set within six months of the movie and is ment to be funny, but it may come off a little raunchy, but they are Vikings, its an occupational hazard, If I've succeeded you can let me know in a review if you want. Have fun!

"Hi there, its Hiccup again, and welcome back to Berk. Now It's not everyday that you see Ruffnut running mostly naked through the village, wearing nothing but Astrid's boots with the fuzzy rim around the tops, and Astrid's leather skirt, sporting Astrid's hairstile. Therefore I will direct your attention to the axe wielding Astrid hot on her heals. Notice she is wearing her usual attire minuse her Boots, and leather skirt; and then there's me bringing up the rear. No shirt on and trying to hold my pants up as I chase afther the enraged Astrid; who is hell bent on hacking Ruffnut into bits small enough to feed to a Natter. Even with the spring in my step I was falling farther and farther behind."
"ASTRID PLEASE TRY TO CALM DOWN!" yelled Hiccup.
"I'LL KILL YOU! YOU PIG FUCKING WHORE!" Astrid yelled not listening. "AARRRHHH!!!" she grunted bending herself backwards like a flexed bow and hurling her axe at the back of Ruffnut's skull.
It was lucky that Ruffnut knew Astrid so well, she hit the wall of the house in front of her and ducked down just in time; when she heard the sound of Astrid's grunt she new that Astrid had thrown her axe. Ruffnut swallowed hard when she felt the impact of the axe through her hands on the wall. Astrid had thrown her axe to kill. Spinning around and placing her back to the wall she saw the haft of the axe still vibrating from the force of it's impact. Looking up she saw the axe head directly above the crown of her head and swallowed again. If she hadn't ducked when she had her skull would have been split in half right through the middle.
Astrid stormed up, grabbed the bottom of the haft, and started trying to remove the eight inch deep blade from the wall, while Ruffnut tryed to scamper away; but having run from the north side of the island she was spent. Her legs were like noodles and considering the activity she was engaged in before hand, she was lucky to make it this far."
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ODIN'S HAIRY SACK IS GOING ON HERE?" Demanded Stoic, wrenching the axe from the wall as though it were stuck in somthing no more resistant than pudding. "LET GO! LET GO! IM GOING TO KILL THIS FUCKING WHORE!" Astrid screamed futilely tugging on the handel
Finally catching up Hiccup dropped to his hands and knees heaving huge breaths, trying not to pass out.
"FINE! Keep the damn axe!!! I'll get my mom's sword and kill the bitch with that!" Astrid declared turning in the direction of her home.
"Now wait just a moment there lassie." said Gobber stumping up in front of her. "I think there be some explaining ta do before ya get your hands on another sharp implement."
"GAAAHHH!!! SON OF A..." Astrid screamed in a frustrated rage, and launched into a fit of cursing that listed every fowle word, act of depravity, or lewd turn of fraise that she had ever heard or could invent on the spot.
During her expletive diatribe, half of the village managed to gather around the spectical, including the rest of their friends there wasn't a Viking alive who wouldn't appreciate such a masterful display of swearing.
Ruffnut sat red-faced at Stoic's feet arms crossed over her chest and legs squeezed tightly closed, trying to be invisible, and failing miserably. Stoic untied his bare skin cape and dropped it over the overly exposed teenager. "Ah... perhaps you should explain, Hiccup, if you've managed to regain your breath?" Stoic demanded as Hiccup rose from the ground.
"Umm, well... its kind of personal, ya know, dad."
"NOW HICCUP!" Stoic yelled.
"Yes Hiccup, I'd love to hear how my boyfriend fell for the lamest trick in the book, and mistaked that scrawny under fed cow for me." Astrid said suddenly turning on him in the middle of her rant.
"Come on Astrid How was I suppose to know it wasn't you? OW!" Hiccup cried after Astrid slugged his arm. "Not suggesting that your a scrawny under fed cow." Astrid frowned at him balling up her fist. "Wait, wait!" Hiccup cried out. "I'm just saying that, do to no falt of my own I suffer from a lack of reference."
"What? So now this is my falt?" Astrid yelled.
"Enough!" barked Stoic The Vast. "Please Hiccup would ya just explaine what's goin on here. I'm starting ta get a head-ache and I've got more important things ter do than stand around here all day."
Hiccup blushed feeling embarrassed, but the men of Berk were well known for boasting about their conquest, and he knew he would be judged by how well he told his story. "Well, you know Astrid and I went to the pond wher I first trained Toothless, for the picnic we had planned?" he asked.
"I. ya've been goin' on abow it all week now, havent ya?" said Gobber.
"We had just finished lunch and I lay down a on the blanket to relax and think, when Astrid got up and said she had to go relieve herself, and walked off into the bushes. "and you had better not peek!" she yelled back at me. Seeing how I'd like to keep the rest of my limbs, No offence Gobber.
"None taken." Replied Gobber.
"I stayed put. After a few minutes I closed my eyes, and I was juts starting to wonder how I could make a move on Astrid without it resulting in broken bones or dislocated joints.
Even though Astrid is really tough she's acctually very shy, and when she gets embearassed you tend to suffer. OW! see what I mean." he said rubbing his arm again.
Everyone standing around laughed.
Astrid stepped forward. "It was when I was on my way back to Hiccup when something hit me from above. The next thing I knew i was tied up and this bitch was shoving a beetroot into my mouth! Uhhh! I fucking hate beetroot!" Astrid screamed in disgust.
"I know." Ruffnut said laughing mischievosly.
"And she used a nasty smelly filthy sock to tie it in place!"
"Oh yah, do you still have it? I promosed Toughnut I'd give it back." said Ruffnut with a smirk on her face.
Astrid looked as though she was going to be sick. "AAAAHHHH!" she screamed and lunged at Gobber grabbing the knife from his belt and diving for Ruffnut.
Again she got lucky. Gobber reached out and caught Astrid's wrist in his hook and then snatched his knife back. Astrid stopped and stared at Ruffnut with seething eyes, and Ruffnut glared back.
"What happened next?" asked Stoic, stepping between the two.
"Isn't it obvious?" Astrid asked. "She stripped right there in front of me, taunting me the whole time.
                   ***********************

                         flash back

                   ***********************

Astrid sat with her back to a young tree about eight inches thick with her hands tied back around the tree.
"No hard feelings Astrid, I just want Hiccup for myself, thats all." said Ruffnut as she stripped off her pants, having already shed her boots, then removed her top and unwrapped her breast.
Astrid's eyes went wide realizing what Ruffnut was about to do. She wonderd if Hiccup would be able to resist her; Hiccup is a boy after all.
"I know what you're thinking." said Ruffnut. "Your thinking." "Hiccup is betroved to me, Hiccup loves me and he wont betray me for you." "Right?" asked Ruffnut.
"That's right! Hiccup would never betray me!" thought Astrid feeling slightly smug. She straightened her sholders and held her head as high as she could looking defiantly into Ruffnut's eyes.
Tuffnut smiled back at her, then stepped closer. "Normally I would say your were right, but." she said kneeling down and untying the leather strips that held Astrid's skirt in place and pulled it off. "What if he didn't realize it wasn't you?" Tuffnut asked tying the skirt around her own waist.
Astrid's eyes went wide again.
"What?" asked Ruffnut. "You think it won't work?" she bent down and tugged Astrids boots off and stuffed her feet in them; she stood up and turned her back to Astrid. "Are you so sure about that?" she asked as she reached back and waved a single braid that went down the middle of her back. "I even took a bath this morning, in lavender oil I got from the traid ship; Just like you." she said looking over her sholder.
Seeing Ruffnut from behind Astrid realized how much alike their build really was, "And now we even smell alike." she thought slumping in despair knowing that Ruffnut's plan would likely work.
Ruffnut picked up Astrid's axe and hefted it onto her shoulder, then turned back to face her. "The way I see it: the only way my plan can fail is if you have actually shown Hiccup your noughty bits, but you haven't, have you?" she asked kneeling down and looking Asrid in the eye. "I bet you've never even let him see your bare legs, so he doesn't know about that little scar on the back of your left thigh you got when we were nine and you slipped on the riverbank and cut yourself on that broken rock; and he won't notice that my legs are slightly thinner than your's.
All Astrid could do was glare at her.
"You know, I can't help feeling sorry for Hiccup; having a girlfriend like you. He deserves better. I mean come on! He is the hero of Berk! He saved all the clans from ending up as dragon shit! He sacrificed his foot to save us, and you couldn't even reward him with a little skin show?
A part of Astrid wanted to cry, she realized Ruffnut was right. She should have done more with Hiccup, for Hiccup. But right now most of all she wanted to get her hands around this scrawny bitch's neck, and she refused to show weakness by crying in front of her.
"Well don't worry, I'll give Hiccup all the reward he deserves." Ruffnut said standing up. "I wont be needing this." she said letting the axe swing from her shoulder like a pendulum and dropping it at her feet. "No need to take a wepon into the bed is there?" she asked rhetorically. "By the way, that rope I tyed you up with, is wet sinew. Not even you are strong enough to break it, and it will only get tighter as it drys." she said as she turned and walked away.
                    ************************
"Then she just left me there." Astrid said in the present.
"Did ya really do tha' lass?" asked Gobber.
"I would'a told Hiccup where she was when we were finished." Ruffnut said defensively.
"Now that's a bold move, even for a Viking!" said Stoic with a hearty chukle. "So, what's your story Hiccup?"
Hiccup blushed deeply. "I fell for it hook line and sinker." he said. "Like I said, I lay down and closed my eyes, trying to think of a way to further my relationship with Astrid with out internal bleeding on my side of the equation. Kind'a hopin' for a little on Astrid's though, if you chatch my meaning." Hiccup mumbled blushing again.
Every one within earshot laughed out loud, and harder still when Hiccup yelled. "OW!" and rubbed his arm again.
Hiccup continued. "I didn't hear her come back, but suddenly a shadow was blocking the sunlight, so I opened my eyes. What I saw was a dream come true. It was like I died and had been welcomed into the halls of valhalla and Oden's banquet table was laid out before me. Above me were pillers of honey toned flesh, a muff of beautiful rose pink lips, surrounded by strands of golden sunshine, and all framed by Astrid's leather skirt.
Again and again I stammered trying to remember how to say Astrid. before I could recover, Astrid dropped to her knees... OWW! Why did you do that?" Hiccup asked looking at Astred and rubbing his arm again.
The look on Astrid's face cleared the fog from his braine.
"Ahh...dah... She, she dropped to her knees." he said and Astrid crossed her arms and looked away from him.
"Instantly my mighty sword was ready for battle. Again I tryed to stammer Astrid's name, but my mouth was full of sweet, dew covered flesh."
"As I spoke Ast... I mean, she cried out. A lustful sound that sent a shiver down my spine. What else could I do? I started to devour the feast before me. Oh! The smell was mouth watering and the flaver was the most amazing thing I have ever tasted!" said Hiccup with a wide grin.
"Over and over she cried out until she shivered and a flud of sweet necter filled my mouth." Hiccup swallowed in memory.
"After she stopped, she yanked my shirt up my body, then crawled down and sat on my chest. I took a moment to pull my shirt off while she unbuckled my belt. Then I went back to my feast, and the girl, who I honestly thought to be the girl of my dreams, freed my mighty wepon!" "Oden's beard!" "She breathed at the sight of my might, and she grabbed me at the hilt, her hand barely taking the breadth of it, she enveloped me in the warm wonderful confines of her mouth and barely could she take the half of it." Hiccup proclaimed.
"HAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA!" Laughed one of the villagers. "Come now, Hiccup, we all enjoy a good yarn now and again, but at least try ta keep it believable. If ya go make'n a mighty oak out of a sapling, no one's goin ter believe a word ja say! HAAA HAAA HAAA!" everyone started laughing making Hiccup blush.
Everyone except for Ruffnut and Astrid. Ruffnut because she knew the truth of it, and Astrid because she hated it when people made fun of Hiccup. Even though she was angry at Ruffnut she was suddenly far more angry at the people around them. She was so mad she temporarily forgot her shyness, she grabbed Hiccup by the arm and spun him to face her. She snatched his waistband out of his hand and stared at all the villagers.
Everyone went silent in the face of Astrid's glare. When she had everyone's attention she, avoiding Hiccup's eyes, pulled the waistband of his pants away from his stomach and looked down inside. Astrid's eyes went wide in shock as her face turned bright red. Again, avoiding Hiccup's eyes, she handed Hiccup back his waistband. Keeping a straight face, she looked around at the villagers, every one of them absolutely silent, then she nodded her head. All the eyes of the villagers turnd down to look at Ruffnut, her own cheaks bright red, and after a moment she nodded her head as well, and suddenly for some reason all the villagers were laughing again.
"Well I guess if one part o him had ta be Viking; at least it turned out to be the most important part!" teased one of the female villagers.
Hiccup blushed even more deeply while all the villagers laughed harder still.
"Enough." said Stoic after a about a minute; quieting everyone around. "Long has it been scence I've heard such an amusing tale, and I wish ta her the end of it! Continue, Hiccup!" said Stoic.
  "Ah... lets see, where was I? Oh yah! Long did we do battle with our toungs, she swiping at the point of my sword, and me stabbing at her folds. Then, unexpectedly, I found her week spot at the forefront of her nethers, and low did I attack mercilessly when she cried out; forced to abandon her side of the battle! Again and angain she screamed as I did lash the precious pearl I discovered, and I did not relent until she did gave up her nectar once more and hence she collapsed."
"For once I thought myself victorious over Astrid... OW, What! I thought it was you!" Hiccup complained rubbing his arm again. "But how I underestimated the determination of... the girl -I thought was Astrid- to win the day, and with breath anew she rose up upon her feet and brought her greatest wepon to bear. Squatting down she through herself upon my sword. "Thor's hammer!" she moaned as it entered... What? She did!" said Hiccup when everyone chuckled.
"I did; it was big, I liked that!" said Ruffnut.
Gobber grabbed Astrid to hold her back.
"After a moment she began to bounce up and down, and I addmit a moment of weakness; nay my sword did not bend, but the tight, soft, warmth did shiver me to the core and I did profess Oh, Astrid, I love you! Oh Astrid, Oh Astrid! I close my eyes and curled my toes, and again, Oh Astrid! I called as I approached the summit. My head tilted back and hearing a rusling sound in the bushes I opened my eyes. Oh Drangon shit! I cried when Astrid Steped out of the bushes, and yes at the look upon her face my sword went limp." said Hiccup
The whole village roared with laughter.
"Now hold on a minute." said Gobber, wiping a tear from his eye. "How'd ye free yerself, lass, if she tied ye up with sinew?" asked Gobber.
Astrid was red-faced with both anger and embarrassment. Crossing her arms over her chest, she began to explain. "The stupid cow dropped my axe at my feet; but it was nearly two feet away. I pushed my socks off with my toes and started to scoot forward stretching my arms out behind me, it felt like I was really close to dislocating my sholders.
It took quite a while but I managed to get ahold of the handel with my toes and pull it closer. I slipped my right foot under the handel by the head and I put my left foot down at the other end on top. I knew it would be tricky and dangerous but I could hear... them the whole time, and I wanted to make her pay for what she was doing.
I curled over myself, and kicked with my right foot and pushed with my left at the saime time. The axe spun over me and stuck in the tree just above me. I scooted around the tree and used the other edge of the axe head to cut the rope."
"Now tha's impressive." said gobber and everyone aroud was nodding their heads and murmuring in agreement.
"I guess that's when she came out of the bushes." said Hiccup. "I don't think I've seen a dragon that pissed off in my life, nor nearly as terrifying. She let out a scream that would have made a Nightmare piss out his own flames. She brought her axe over her head and swung it down at Ruffnut.
Ruffnut dove out of the way and the axe thudded down beteen my legs. When I looked down and saw blood I thought for sure that I would have to change my name to something decidedly more feminine, but after closer inspection I saw that I was untuched, the axe had stuck in the soft ground beneath the blanket just a hair's breadth away from the family jewels. The blood was not my own.
Astrid didn't stop for a second and tore off after Ruffnut, axe in hand. Once I realized I was a man still, and i finished wiping my ass, I took off after them; and that's how we ended up here. Hiccup finished.
"Now! Can I kill this bitch and get it over with?" asked Astrid holding her hand out to Stoic for her axe.
Stoic crossed his arms over his chest standing stoically for a moment.
"No, I'm afraid not." he said.
"WHAT!! That troll stole what was righfully mine; I have the right..."
"NO!" I can'a let ya kill her!" Stoic barked. "It would start a war between the clans and I can'a have that!"
"A... Stoic?"
"What Gobber?" Stoic asked.
"Technically speeking; her being alive creates a problem."
"I, your right abow tha'." said Stoic.
"What? What problem?" Ruffnut, Hiccup, and Astrid asked together. Ruffnut standing up with Stoic's cape around her.
"The problem, Hiccup, is that ya took her maidenhood." said Stoic.
"What?" said Hiccup. "I didn't take anything, it was thrust upon me!"
"Ah... Repetedly, to hear ya tell it." said Gobber. Hiccup fround at him.
"Never the less the deed was done, and as a man Hiccup you have to take responsibility, so, come the sommer solstice you'll marry Ruffnut." Stoic declared.
"WHAT!" yelled Astrid and Hiccup. "YES!" yelled Ruffnut at the same time, and running to Hiccup she grabbed his arm on the opposite side from Astrid. She deliberatly pulled his arm inside the cape and rubbed her breast against it.
"Get away from him you cunt!" Astrid yelled pulleing his other arm.
"He's mine bitch! You lost, live with it!" Ruffnut said pulling Hiccup back.
"DAD! I'm supposed to marry Astrid! We're betroved!" said Hiccup.
"Your right abow tha Hiccup, so come the sommer solstice you'll wed them both." said Stoic.
Suddenly all the color drained from Hiccup's face and Astrid and Ruffnut started bickering and pulling him back and forth between them.
"OH BOYO! You'r a lucky man Hiccup!" Laughed Stoic. "Come winter you'll have your own home and two wives to keep ya warm at night!"
Hiccup invisioned spending the winter trapped in the same house as the two insain women pulling on his arms.
"Oden Have Mercy and Take Me Now!" cried Hiccup. "OOWW!" He yelled rubbing both arms.

END
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Oden Have Mercy