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Only When I Lose Myself	By : IrkSplee Category: +S through Z > Total Drama Island Views: 2906 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own Total Drama, I don't make any money off this fic. Hooray!

Chapter List
- 1-Only When I Lose Myself
- 1
Well, here I go, publishing my first smut. This isn't the first time I've written something explicit, but there's still a lot of firsts involved – this is the first time I've shown it to a wide audience, the first time I've written it for a fandom instead of my own characters, and the first time I've done it strictly from the guy's perspective. (I usually do the girl's perspective because I am one and I usually find it easier, but Mike's just so interesting for me to write that he's actually easier than Zoey in this case.) Lots of firsts! I'm nervous! But I tried my best, and this is the result.

Title's a Depeche Mode song because I just cannot shut up about how they've become my Zoke band. I don't question when songs or bands connect themselves to characters or ships in my head, I just go with it.

Dedicated to Nogo and Squeegy. I kinda considered this for a while anyway, but let it go because I didn't think I'd have an audience. But you guys asked for it, so you got it! Thanks for the assurance that this concept isn't completely freakin' creepy!

Long distance relationships aren't the easiest thing in the world, but Zoey and I have managed to make it work. I had a feeling I'd be getting into something like this the second I started liking a girl from Total Drama, but I didn't let it stop me. Sure, things could be better; it sucks that I can't drop by to watch movies or go out to lunch or just cuddle with her at the drop of a hat. She's within driving distance of my house, but it takes three hours just to make it one way, so the drive is only worth it when we can visit each other for a few days. Our visits are limited to once a month or so, usually when we both have an extended weekend from school. But despite the limited physical contact, we manage to keep in touch. There's always instant messaging and webcams, and we talk on the phone a lot when things aren't too noisy on her end from all the drunken parties that happen on her street. It's not ideal, but for Zoey, it's worth it.

As much as I enjoy our daily chats, though, nothing beats actually getting to see her in person. We were still on our winter break from school, but Christmas itself was over, putting an end to any obligations with family we may have had. Zoey's parents had gone to see some old college friends of theirs for the holiday that night, but since it was an event strictly for the adults to catch up and Zoey had no interest in spending the evening with strangers anyway, she happily stayed behind at home. This worked out perfectly for us, since it made for the perfect opportunity for me to come visit her. Judging by the sounds from her neighbor's house, the ideal way to celebrate the weekend after Christmas was with loud music, screaming, and presumably the consumption of any leftover booze the homeowners could scrounge up, but our celebration was much more low-key. Instead, we went out for a quiet dinner at an independently owned café that Zoey really likes, then came home to rent that month's cheesy action blockbuster on her cable box, just like we always did on the first night of my visits. The two of us sat on her couch, wrapped in the same thick quilt and sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, as Zompocalypse 2 played on her TV. It was a stupid movie, really, but that's why we watched them together. It's always nice to shut our brains off, enjoy some cool special effects, laugh at the stilted acting, and just scream at the TV without a care in the world. It's a great way for us to bond, and I love how it's become traditional of our visits. It's also a relatively calming activity for me, since whenever I'm engrossed in a movie and my conversations with Zoey, the constant conversations in my head turn into a dismissible buzzing.

Zoey turned the TV off as the movie's credits began rolling to the sound of a generic metal tune. "So, what did you think?"

"Awful!" I said with a laugh. "Even worse than the first one! Does anyone in this franchise have a personality? I mean, besides butchering zombies with a chainsaw?"

"I don't think so," she responded, laughing with me. "But they sure put a lot of budget into the zombie butchering. Those were some of the best special effects I've seen in a long time."

"There was a little too much blood for my taste, but yeah, they looked really good," I said. "It does explain where all the budget for the movie went. It didn't go toward the writers or actors, that's for sure."

Zoey changed her voice to match that of a gruff soldier. "We've got to saw up these zombies, you hear? It's up to us! Or ALL of Toronto is DOOMED! DOOOOMED!"

That was it for both of us. I immediately broke into laughter at her impression of the hammy lead actor, and she followed soon after, getting us stuck in a loop; whenever I thought I was calming down, all I had to do was look at her, see her laughing, and it would start back up again.

"Heh... oh man..." Zoey let out a final chuckle and wiped a tear from her eye. "Seriously, though, that was really bad. I wish they'd make Total Action 3 available already. I could use a good car chase movie."

"I'd go for that. I liked the first two," I answered. "I'm done with movies, though. What should we do now?"

Zoey wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder. "This?" she asked.

I didn't answer in words; I simply smiled, wrapped one arm around her, and gently rested my head against hers. As we moved closer, a pleasant, flowery scent filled my nostrils. I had vaguely noticed it before, but now that we weren't doing anything in particular, I was free to focus on it.

"You smell nice," I said as I ran my hand up and down Zoey's back.

"Thanks," she said. "My aunt got it for me for Christmas. I've never had perfume before, but I thought I'd try it..."

"I really like it," I told her. My hand made its way down to her lower back, and I brushed my fingertips against her skin. She smelled so sweet... her hair and skin were so soft... her body felt so warm... my heart began fluttering as interesting thoughts of her flooded my mind. It was far from the first time that I thought of her that way, but it never became any less awkward to start picturing her like this while she was right here with me.

Zoey lifted her head from my shoulder, snapping me out my thoughts about how beautiful she was and how I wanted to ask her about certain personal things. "Mike? Are you OK?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine," I said. "Why?"

"You're shaking a little..." she said. "And you're breathing weird. You're not switching, are you?"

"No, I'm still here," I assured her. "Hell, I feel even more like myself now than I usually do. Recently, I almost never feel like switching when I'm with you."

"Good," she said. "I really want to stay with Mike right now." We both shared a smile, and with that, I couldn't help myself. I just had to kiss those lovely, smiling lips. Zoey was quick to respond by returning the kiss and digging her fingers through my hair. I softly moaned against her mouth and ran my hands down to her hips. Everything about this kiss was perfect...

...so perfect, in fact, that my body made it very physically obvious how much I was enjoying this. Shit.

Zoey deepened the kiss and pressed her body against mine, which didn't make my problem any easier to handle. Without really thinking about it, I gently pulled her hips closer, guiding her into my lap. She took the invitation and settled herself there, my waist between her knees, all without breaking the kiss. I almost regretted doing this. It was a great position for making out, but it also made her much more likely to discover my erection. Two conflicting wishes took center stage in my mind. The first wish was that Zoey wouldn't notice and I wouldn't have to answer any awkward questions.

The second wish involved the fact that, if she had to find out, her touch would be awesome right now.

Zoey slowly pulled away from our kiss. "Mike..." she whispered before turning her mouth's attention to my neck and shoulder, giving several kisses to the spot where the two met. She slid her hands down through by hair and over the back of my neck before resting them on my shoulders and lightly rubbing them. This wasn't helping at all. I had to do something about my growing discomfort. Hopefully, she wouldn't hate me for asking...

"Hey, Zoey?" I asked, my voice shaky from nerves and hormones. "Do you know when your parents are coming home?"

"Not until tomorrow," she said. "They're staying with a friend for the night."

That was the best possible answer she could have given me. "Then... can we go to your room?"

Zoey lifted her head and looked into my eyes, blushing the same color as her hair. She definitely knew what I was asking about. I prepared to apologize and maybe run to the bathroom to take care of this, but before I could speak again, she answered me.

"Yeah. Let's go."

She climbed off me and headed for the stairs, but it took me a second or two to follow. The fact that she was cool with this, that I might actually get to mess around with Zoey, left me mildly stunned. When I finally did get off the couch and follow, I made a quick detour to her coat rack first to retrieve a packet from my coat pocket and transfer it to a pocket in my jeans.

It'd been sitting there for a few months, just in case, and I really wanted to get to use it tonight.

While I'd seen Zoey's room on her webcam before, I'd never actually gone inside. I always slept in the guest room when I stayed over so things wouldn't be weird with her parents. It didn't hold many surprises. The sewing materials scattered all over her desk and two large CD towers in her corner served as the most personal touches. Zoey was already in here, crouching over Miss Puffycheeks's cage. She'd already removed her pigtails. I assume the holders went into the pile of them that sat on her desk next to what appeared to be a half-finished skirt. I stood next to her and held my finger up to the bars of the cage.

"Hey, Miss Puffycheeks," I greeted the hamster. She sniffed my finger for a moment, then decided I wasn't interesting and went to drink from her water bottle instead. Zoey's pet didn't manage to keep my attention for very long before my eyes started drifting toward her bed.

"Come on, let's sit," I said. Zoey nodded, and we both went to sit on the edge of the bed. Despite the awkwardness, neither of us wasted any time getting back to what we were doing earlier. I briefly kissed her lips before moving down to her neck. Zoey gasped harshly as I flicked my tongue against her throat. That sound encouraged me to focus all my kisses and licks in that same spot so I could hear it again and again. I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her down to the mattress as I kissed her, getting more and more lost in this by the second. My hands slowly inched down from her shoulders toward her chest, but stopped just short of their goal. I stopped kissing her and moved so my face so it was level with hers.

"How much do you think we'll do tonight?" Zoey asked, blushing again.

"I- well- uh-" I stammered. I started thinking of every little thing I wanted to do right then, and I couldn't bring myself to admit to any of them. I finally settled on one innocuous thing, the thing I was just aiming to do. "I'd really like to touch your chest... I mean, if you want me to."

"Please go ahead," she answered. "I... I'd really like that."

With a deep breath, I let my hands finish their journey toward her breasts. The second I had them both cupped in my hands, the shields I had up in my mind shattered and everyone began chattering at once, eager to express their displeasure.

Kids have no decency these days! Back in my day, you weren't even supposed to hold hands before marriage!

Svetlana is not interested in women! Why won't you let Svetlana have a boyfriend? Just once?

Aw, come on, you're still with this scrawny chick? Where the hell's Anne Maria? Now she's a real woman!

Crikey, mate, I don't care if it's Anne Maria or not, but you've gotta find a girl with bigger breasts than this! This is just depressing!

Shut up! I thought, hoping my mental scolding would get through to them and make them go away. Thankfully, none of them tried to come out during this, but I didn't need them screaming at me while I was trying to focus on who was really important. Zoey moaned as I slightly squeezed her breasts through her shirt. The personalities started yelling again, but I was already hard at work pushing them aside. Their words quickly faded back into the white noise they were before, freeing me to get back to the task at hand. "How is it?" I asked her. "Do you like this?"

"Yeah... it feels really nice..." she said. "What about you? They're not too small, are they?"

"No, of course not!" It's true that her breasts are on the smaller side of average, but that didn't matter any to me, especially not when I was so excited to be touching them at all. "They're really soft... and most importantly, they're yours. I wouldn't want to change a single thing about your body." I gently kissed her lips. "Will you let me see them?"

I sat up to give her more room as she moved to remove her shirt. My eyes remained locked on her chest as she stripped. She threw it toward the laundry basket in the corner, then reached back to unhook her bra. I thought my jaw would drop once her breasts were exposed. One hand immediately shot out to caress her soft, pale flesh.

"Zoey, you're gorgeous..." I kissed her lips and brought my other hand to her other breast, showing them both equal affection. I squeezed and released them, I rolled them in circles, I gently pinched her stiff nipples, anything to make her keep moaning and panting into my mouth. She wrapped her tongue around mine and held my body close to hers as I touched her, my hands getting faster by the second. Her fists closed around the hem of my shirt and she began to pull it up. My heart began pounding and I was ready to pull back just far enough for her to get my shirt off... but once my mind began to cloud over, I quickly grabbed her arms and pulled them off of my shirt in a panic.

"Sorry if that was too rough," I said as I removed my hands from her arms. For a brief moment, I felt terrified that I might have left a bruise. "But I can't do that. I haven't mastered keeping Vito in yet."

Zoey's eyes widened. "Oh! Oh gosh... Mike, I'm so sorry!" she said. "I didn't mean to- I mean, it's just, earlier you were saying you don't feel like you'll switch, so I thought I could- I haven't seen you shirtless since Total Drama, and I... I liked it, so- I wasn't thinking, I should have asked first, I'm sorry-"

"Zoey, shh... calm down..." I assured her while petting her hair. "It's OK... I know most girls don't need to worry about stuff like this with their boyfriends. I'm just weird."

The two of us sat in awkward silence, the intimate atmosphere now broken. I desperately grasped in my mind for something, anything, that I could say to fix this.

"You know..." I started, second guessing the words the second they left my mouth. Still, I didn't want to just leave the sentence unfinished, so I had no choice but to continue. "I may have to leave my shirt on, but... I can take anything else off."

"Really?" she asked. "You'd be all right with taking your pants off?"

Words would never be able to express how all right that idea was, so I didn't even try. Instead, I took one of her hands, placed it on the fly of my jeans, and nodded. Zoey's breath quickened and her hands trembled as she unfastened the button and zipper. She hooked her thumbs into the waistband of my boxers and pants and pulled them down, but closed her eyes and turned her head away before exposing me. It was a breath of fresh air to not be constricted anymore, but I couldn't feel completely relieved when Zoey looked so uncomfortable.

"This is so embarrassing..." she said, still not turning to face me. "I've never done anything like this before..."

I bit my lower lip and racked my brain, trying to figure out what to do to make her feel better about doing this, but no decent words came to mind. I climbed off of her and finished removing my pants and underwear, then wrapped my arms around her and held her to my chest. She hugged me back and pressed her head against my body.

"You've done this before, right?" she asked.

"Yeah..." I didn't want to admit it, but there was no point hiding it. She already knew she wasn't my first girlfriend.

"I must be so disappointing... I'm so nervous that I can't even look at you..."

"Don't say that!" I said, holding her just a bit tighter. "You're not a disappointment at all! I love you, Zoey... I wanna do this with you..."

"But what if I'm not good enough? What if I mess up and you don't enjoy it and then you'll hate me-"

As she spoke, I took her chin in my hand, turned her head to face me, and silenced her with a kiss. "Please don't talk like that," I asked her. "I could never hate you, all right? In the months we've been a couple, I've felt happier than I have in years. I've had girlfriends before, but you're the first one who accepted my disorder instead of trying to dodge around it or treating me like glass over it. You've been an amazing friend, an amazing girlfriend, and I will never, ever hate you. I really wanna do stuff with you, and I know I'll love it no matter what. So, can we? Please?"

"Yeah... I'm still scared, but... yeah. I want this, too."

I let go of her body and rolled over on my back. She sat up and moved her eyes down my body before locking her gaze on my erection. The sight caused her to gasp and cover her mouth.

"Oh goodness..." she said from behind her hand.

"Do you like it?" I asked her, smiling.

Zoey nodded. "I've... wondered about it before..." she said as she removed her hand from her mouth and moved it toward me. "I've always wondered what it felt like..."

"Go ahead," I said. "Do what you want."

She gently closed her hand around my erection, panting heavily as she did so. Her hands were still shaking, which made her touch feel even nicer than if she kept herself still. With a deep breath, she began slowly gliding her hand up and down.

"Mmm... Zoey, tighter..." I asked her. She complied and tightened her grip, causing me to tilt my head back and moan. "Yes..."

"Mike..." She began moving her hand faster. "This feels really good..."

"Mmm-hmm..." I made a simple noise of affirmation, since receiving her touch after spending the past hour dying for it was making it hard for me to speak. I could have burst right then, but resisted, knowing that she wouldn't be able to do this to me anymore if I finished so quickly. She leaned in to kiss my mouth as she jacked me off. I held her tight and slipped my tongue past her lips, savoring every moment of this. My mind began to fog, but this haze was much different from the fear and discomfort that comes the instant before my personality switches; this was a calming, happy blur that made me feel as if nothing bad would ever happen to me again.

"Zoey..." I moaned her name as she broke the kiss to take a breath. "You're incredible..."

After giving me another brief kiss. Zoey moved her head closer to my member. I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in her handjob, assuming she was simply moving to get a closer look, but I cried out in surprise as something soft and wet made its way up my shaft. I looked down just in time to see Zoey removing her tongue from my member.

"Is it OK if I do that?" she asked, blushing yet again. "I've always wanted to try..."

"Uh... uh-huh..." I said dumbly, unsure if this was really happening. It was already a dream come true for her to stroke me, but to willingly use her mouth? "Please do that again- YES!" I cried out again as she continued licking me, running her tongue up and down my length without pulling off, hitting me with her hot, rapid breaths. She kept her hand wrapped around the base and rested her palm on my balls as she licked me, leaving me at a total loss as to how this could possibly get any better. I dug my hands through her hair, but made no movement to control her head, instead letting her decide where she wanted to lick me. I yelped again once she wrapped her mouth around the side and began flicking her tongue against me.

"You make cute noises," she said with a giggle before resuming her licks. I panted harshly and started thrusting my hips, growing dizzier with pleasure by the second. Before long, it grew more and more difficult to hold back the orgasm she was giving me... but I wasn't ready for that quite yet.

"Zoey! Stop!" I called out. She immediately jerked back and gave my body a rest. I laid wordlessly for a moment, struggling to regain my breath.

"Mike?!" she asked in a panic. "Is something wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"N-no..." I shook my head and took a few more deep breaths. "You didn't hurt me... I was just getting close to finishing, that's all. I don't wanna be done yet."

"So... I did a good job?" she asked me as she moved to my side and rested her head on my shoulder.

"An incredible job," I told her, kissing her forehead. "That felt perfect... did you like doing it?"

"I did. Especially since it made you moan like that," she said. "I really loved hearing that."

I ran my hand down her side, savoring the feel of her soft skin under my fingertips. She made a small sound of pleasure and pressed herself closer to my body. I stopped my hand with my palm on the waistband of her pants.

"Do you want a turn?" I asked her.

"I... really? You'd do that for me?" she asked. "I'd like to... if you want to, of course, don't do it just for me..."

"I want to," I assured her as I slipped my thumb into her pants.

"OK... I do wanna know what oral feels like, but I always thought guys didn't like doing that."

I had no verbal answer for that. I wanted to tell her that I loved going down on girls, feeling them squirm against my tongue and hearing them scream for more, but it didn't seem right to dwell on the fact that I had experience before her. I instead simply got to unbuttoning and removing her pants, eager to find out how she would react to my touches and kisses. Once I had her pants off, I rolled her over onto her back and took a good look at her, clad in only her panties. I briefly thought about pulling her panties off, climbing on top of her, and making love to her right then and there, but quickly put that out of mind for the moment. I could do that later, hopefully. For now, I wanted the focus to be on her pleasure, nothing else. Instead, I sat between her legs and massaged her thighs as I continued my admiration of her body. Her panties were plain, just a white pair of briefs with lace trim, but the sight was still as arousing as the idea of her completely naked in its own way. I lifted one of her legs to my mouth and softly kissed her thigh, eliciting a small moan from her. I kept massaging her other thigh as I kissed my way up her leg, slowly making it closer to what I really wanted. I stopped halfway there to lick and suck at a specific spot of her leg, which made her moan a bit louder.

"Miiike..." she said. "Please..." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her move her hand between her legs. Sensing how much she needed it, I stopped massaging her thigh and placed my hand over hers, lightly pushing between her legs. I briefly rubbed her hand into her body, but she soon withdrew it, allowing me to touch her panties directly. I kept kissing her thigh as I rubbed between her legs, resuming my journey instead of focusing on one spot like I was before. Her quiet panting remained consistent as I kissed her thigh, but quickly changed to a sharp gasp once I flicked my tongue against the very top of her leg, where her panties touched.

"Again..." she asked, her voice shaky. I obliged, making her gasp again. I had previously thought the sounds she made when I played with her breasts were the hottest thing I'd ever heard, but that was nothing compared to this. I pressed my thumb where I guessed her clit would be as I licked her. I must have guessed right, since she cried out and pressed against my thumb in response.

"Let me take them off," I said, panting against her skin and pushing my thumb even harder against her. "I need to see you." When she didn't protest – given the way she was reacting, why would she? – I moved my kisses to her stomach so I wouldn't be in the way, then took hold of her panties and pulled them down her legs, desperate to see what they were hiding. Once her panties were removed and tossed aside, I lifted my head to take a look at Zoey's now nude form. A patch of brown hair framed her beautiful pink lips, and once more I had to choke down the urge to know what she felt like inside. Later. Not right now. Right now was solely for her.

Instead, I pressed both thumbs on either side of her opening and moved them in circles, delighting in the way she shook as I did. She reached down and dug her hands through my hair like I did earlier, but unlike me, she very slightly pushed at my head, urging me to come closer.

"Please, Mike... please lick me..." she said. "I really wanna know what it feels like..."

She didn't need to ask me twice to give her whatever she wanted, especially not when it was something like this. I kept my thumbs in place as I slipped my tongue past her folds.

"Mike!"

I felt so glad we were both alone. There's no way I would have wanted her to keep quiet, to refuse to scream my name so loudly. I ran my tongue up and down between her lips, savoring her unique taste. Wetness pooled between her thighs quicker than I could lick it up. I found even the idea that I could make her body react this way incredibly arousing, and the way she tasted and felt made things even better. She panted heavily as she rocked her waist back and forth against my tongue and tightened her hands' grip on my hair. Her legs squeezed at my sides, with her feet digging into my hips. I started making involuntary thrusts against the mattress in time with her thrusts against my tongue. It was almost tempting to reach down and take care of myself, if not for the fact that I was too busy taking care of Zoey. To keep my hands busy, I left my thumbs in place, moved my index fingers to her clit, and pressed.

"MIKE!"

I increased the speed of my rubs and licks in an effort to make her scream again. It worked, to the point where she wasn't even screaming words anymore, just panting harshly and moaning. The louder she got, the faster I pleasured her, which served to make her scream even louder. Before long, her body began trembling as she panted and moaned and gasped. Sensing she was close, I pushed my hands and tongue as closely to her body as I could and moaned against her, eagerly awaiting her climax. One wordless scream later, her legs tightened around me and her waist began bucking violently against my mouth. It only lasted a few seconds, but by the end of it, Zoey seemed completely spent. She slipped her hands out of my hair and let them fall to the bed, too drained to lift them even that high. I moved up to lie by her side and held her body close to mine as she swallowed shallow gasps of air, struggling to catch her breath. I rested my forehead against hers and absent-mindedly played with her hair.

"How was it?" I asked.

Her response was to hug me tight and kiss my lips. I returned the favor and wrapped my tongue around hers. This was one of the best possible ways she could have chosen to thank me.

"Perfect," she whispered, still a little out of breath, before kissing me again. After the second kiss, she rested her head in the crook of my neck. Her breathing had finally settled. "I love you, Mike..."

"I love you too, Zoey," I said as I gently ran my hands over her back and sides. Since all of our previous cuddling experience took place on a couch, I'd never experienced something quite like this with her. It was the most relaxing thing in the world. The feeling of her soft skin beneath my fingertips, the sound of her quiet breaths, the smell of her shampoo and perfume... I could have stayed there with her for a very long time. My hands finally settled on her lower back and I pulled her waist against mine. I found myself wondering if it would be all right to take her leg and drape it over my waist... god, that would have been a great position...

"Mike?" she asked. "You're breathing weird again. Don't go... please stay Mike..."

"I'm still here," I told her. "I'm not gonna switch. I can't. I need to stay with you... I won't let the others be with you like this." My unsteady breathing had nothing to do with the others; my mind held a clarity that only rarely came to me, almost always when I was with Zoey. Instead, my difficulty breathing could be blamed on how the excitement I felt. I knew what I wanted to do now, but could I really ask her for that? I had to try. I couldn't just hint, I couldn't just hope she'd guess on her own. I needed to know, now, if she would be mine.

"Zoey? Can we have sex?"

She lifted her head from my neck and looked me in the eyes, her eyes widened. "Sex? Really?" she asked.

"Never mind, sorry," I said, feeling guilty as hell. "No pressure, you don't have to. We've done enough tonight. It was still amazing, even if we stop here. I just thought I'd ask, that's all."

"No, I... I want to," she said. "But I figured you wouldn't want to. Not with me."

"Why wouldn't I want to be with you?" I asked. "You're beautiful, you're sweet, I love you more than anything..."

"Yeah, but... you've done this, I haven't..." she said. "I figured being with me would be... well, boring."

"You're not boring," I assured her. "And if you want to, I'd love sleeping with you. I've wanted this for a long time."

"Do you have protection?" she asked. "If you do... then yes. I want you too, Mike. I've thought about it, too... a lot, actually. Maybe too much."

"There's no way you could want me too much," I said, kissing her forehead. "I love hearing that you think about me." Now that I knew we could take this next step, I couldn't get to my jeans fast enough. I retrieved them from the foot of the bed and frantically searched through the pockets, trying to remember where I put that packet. I soon found the condom, and once my jeans were tossed back down to the floor, I tore the packet open and slipped the condom on with lightning speed. Once I finished, I turned to face Zoey. While I was busy with this, she had rolled onto her back and drawn her knees up, perfectly exposing her opening. I took a huge gulp, then crawled toward her.

"Have you ever been penetrated before? With your fingers or anything?" I asked. Zoey shook her head. "I'll go slow." I steadied myself by placing one hand next to her head on the pillow and took hold of my member with the other. Zoey's breathing picked up as I pressed between her legs, not penetrating just yet. "Is everything OK?"

"I'm fine... just nervous..." she answered. "I do want this, though, so please..."

I nodded, then pushed forward. It took a moment for me to push inside, but I soon had her wrapped around my head. Zoey made a loud sound, but I couldn't tell if it was from pain or pleasure. When she didn't protest, I kept pushing until I was halfway inside, but stopped once she yelped in what was definitely pain.

"Zoey?!" I asked in a panic. "What happened?!"

"It hurts..." she moaned. "Don't move..."

"Should I pull out?" I asked. "We really don't need to do this, I don't wanna hurt you-"

"Don't pull out. Just don't move," she said. "I just need to get used to this..."

The two of us lay there in silence. Her walls felt so deliciously tight around me, but I couldn't enjoy it at all when I knew she was uncomfortable. She wrapped her arms around me and gripped my shirt, slightly tugging at it.

"Can we try taking this off one more time?" she asked me. "I know you might not be able to handle it, but... if you think you can... I'd love to see you shirtless again."

"It's worth a try." As much as I dreaded the possibility of Vito appearing now, the idea of her admiring my body was much too tempting. We did hug while I was shirtless once, right at the beginning of our relationship, and I still remember how nice it felt to hold her like that. The months since had been way too long to go without feeling that again. I slowly lifted my shirt, but just as I feared, Vito started taking over once it was halfway up, leaving us in a state where neither had control, but both of us were aware of my body's surroundings.

Whoah! She may not be much to look at, but she is tight! Yo, Mike, mind if I step in? There was no way that could be an honest request. I knew Vito planned to take over no matter what I had to say about it.

Normally, I'd let him go, since I've always been too weak to do anything about it.

That would have to change, and soon.

No! I mentally screamed. If you want to take over at any other time, fine! Pose in the mirror, lift weights, admire tanned girls who would give it up if you could keep control long enough to win them over, do whatever the hell you want, but you are not laying a finger on Zoey! None of you are! Just one night! Why can't you ever give me that much?! Stop talking, stop trying to control me, I don't care what you guys want, because you don't matter right now! This is my night, not yours! My night and my girlfriend! You guys take everything from me, but you can't have her! She's mine! Go the fuck away!

Vito didn't back down fully, since I could still feel him there, but I was the one who managed to gain control of my arms first. I kept control even after removing my shirt and tossing it away, but things were still foggy in my head. I started gasping heavily as I struggled to stay myself... but just who was I? Everything around me was distorted by haze, and I couldn't quite remember who I was or what I was doing...

"Mike...?"

That voice... it was... Zoey. The name hit me like a hammer. That was Zoey's voice. Mike's girlfriend. My girlfriend. That's my name. Mike. Not Chester, not Vito, not Manitoba Smith. Mike. The haze slowly cleared, and everything seemed to be back to normal. I have no idea how long I was gone, but I had finally returned. But while I felt relieved, Zoey looked terrified.

"Who... who are you?"

"It's me. Mike," I said. "Sorry, I almost blacked out... did Vito do anything? He tried to get control..."

"No, you just froze up for a while..." she said, still tense. "Is that over now...?"

"Yeah, I don't think they're coming back. Not tonight." I ran my hand down her cheek. "It's just you and me right now."

She pressed her hands against my bare chest. Fighting off Vito was more than worth it for that. I sighed happily as her hands ran down my chest and to my stomach, then my hips, then around to the bottom of my back.

"I think I'm ready now," she said. "It doesn't hurt anymore. Can you try moving?"

I pulled out of her to the head, then pushed back in to my previous depth. She cried out, but this time, she didn't sound so obviously pained. It wasn't any sound I'd heard from her before, but I really hoped it was in pleasure, because god, I wanted to hear that again.

"Do that again..." she whispered. That was all the encouragement I needed. I took her hips in my hands and held her steady as I rocked back and forth, pushing just a little deeper each time.

"Oh my god... Zoey, this is so good..." Even with the barrier between us, I could still feel the heat radiating from between her legs. Between her warmth and her tightness, it had already become a bit difficult to keep myself from finishing right there. Fortunately, I could hold back and prevent our first time from only lasting thirty seconds. I buried myself completely inside of her and held still, enjoying every little sensation her body gave mine. "Zoey..." I was beginning to pant, but not yet so hard that I couldn't talk to her. "Am I doing all right?"

"Mmm..." Zoey nodded. "Yeah... keep moving..."

And so I did, trying my best to stay gentle. I just needed her to enjoy it. There was no need to go crazy about it. The fact that we were doing this at all was more than enough. She wrapped her arms tighter around me and pulled me down closer to her. I moved my hands to her shoulders and leaned in close so our faces were almost touching. I felt her pant against my lips every time I pushed all the way in. She kept pressing and releasing her hands against my back in time with my slow, relaxed thrusts. I gently kissed her lips without pressing into her or using my tongue, only brushing my lips against hers over and over again, loving the moans and gasps that escaped from them.

"M-Mike..." she whispered in the brief period between gasps and kisses. I kissed her once more before she continued. "Please... go faster..."

"Faster? You're sure?" I definitely wanted to, and yet... "I don't want to hurt you..."

"I'll tell you if I want you to stop, but let's at least try..."

At her request, I picked up my pace, grunting a little with each thrust. Even that bit of speed made this feel worlds better. I tried to lock my eyes with Zoey's to see how she was doing, but she had them closed and her head tilted back.

"Mike! This is amazing!"

The way she tilted her head back exposed her neck, and I couldn't help but move down and kiss it, which only intensified her moans. I wrapped my arms around her body and held her tight, finally letting myself get lost in her. When this started, I felt so terrified that I'd hurt her or disappoint her, or worse, that my condition would pop up and ruin everything and leave me helpless to stop it, but her positive reactions worked wonders in removing my anxiety and boosting my confidence. Zoey loved me. Zoey wanted me. Zoey was in this much pleasure because of something I did.

And I returned every last one of those feelings to her.

Now that I could focus only on her and not the misgivings and voices in my head, I could mostly switch my brain off, leaving myself only aware enough to keep the others in check. While my brain focused on keeping me as Mike, I turned my body over to my instincts, and every instinct told me just how much I needed this girl.

"Oh, Zoey..." I moaned as I moved even faster. "You're so perfect..." I flattened my hands against her upper back and pressed her bare chest into my own. "So soft and warm and just... PERFECT..." She wrapped her legs around my body and pressed them against my butt, a move that I never would have expected to enjoy so much. She squeezed her legs around me every time I filled her, pushing me as close to her as physically possible. By now, I was moving as fast as I possibly could as she drove my senses wild. Her sweet scent, her tight grip around my body, the way she shivered in my arms, the taste of her skin as I continued to kiss her neck, the look on her face as she grew as lost in bliss as I was getting, the desperate screams that kept emerging from her lips... and best of all, just how tight and soft and unbelievably hot she felt inside. Every little detail about her threatened to drive me over the edge.

"Z-Zoey... I..." I gasped as my lungs made an unexpected plea for air. "I can't... hold on..."

Zoey didn't answer me, but with the way her limbs tightened around me and her nails dug into my back, she must have been having as much trouble as I was. Her waist started rocking into me just like her last climax, and without warning, she clenched so firmly around my member that I saw stars.

"MIKE!" she screamed, my name blending into another pleasured cry. I'd already been teetering over the edge for a while, and that one simple noise was all it took to push me over.

"Oh GOD!" I cried out as I made my final thrust, pushing all the way inside her, not wanting a millimeter of my length to miss out on her heavenly body. "ZOEY, I'M GONNA CUM!"

Her hands shot up to my hair and pulled me down for our roughest kiss of the night, our tongues frantically entwining with each others', only separating for brief moments so we could catch our breaths. I kept the kiss going as my orgasm took over, momentarily clearing my head of every thought except how damn much I loved being with Zoey like this. I didn't realize how drained I was until I came down from that high. My body collapsed on top of hers once I finished, my head resting against her soft breasts. She left her hands in my hair, but loosened her grip, instead choosing to softly pet my head and neck while we both waited for our breathing to get back to normal. I could hear her heart pounding in her chest in rhythm with mine. We remained that way for a few minutes, until our bodies got back to normal and I could fully process what I'd just done.

"I'm exhausted..." Zoey said, her lack of energy apparent in her voice. "But it was so worth it..."

I gave a gentle kiss each to both of her breasts before sitting up to remove the condom. I leaned over and tossed it in a small trash can I could reach from my spot on the bed, then settled in next to Zoey.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" I asked.

Zoey smiled and pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed to our shoulders. I didn't realize how cold the room felt until she wrapped me in the warmth of her quilt. "Of course you can." She reached over to turn off the lamp next to her, enveloping us both in darkness, then wrapped her arms around me and rested her head against my chest. "Good night, Mike. I love you."

"I love you too, Zoey," I said quietly as I kissed the top of her head. "Have sweet dreams."

She closed her eyes and fell asleep almost immediately, but I stayed awake just a bit longer, mulling over the night. It was true that she wasn't the first girl I'd ever slept with, but this time was completely different from the last two girls I became this intimate with. Both those times, I kept my mouth shut about my disorder. It seemed like a good idea at the time to pass myself off as normal, but thinking back, it added a lot of unnecessary stress to those relationships. The personalities would be loudest inside my head during our intimate times and make it perfectly clear that they didn't want to witness my private life, and in the case of Vito and Manitoba, how I could have at the very least picked someone more tailored to their own standards. I didn't want to seem distracted, so I let them talk instead of trying to fight it. It was all for nothing anyway, since in both those cases, the girl eventually found out about my issue and got ticked at me for keeping secrets.

Zoey, however, was a different story. Sure, I almost made the same mistake with her and tried to hide it, but things were different now. She knew about my disorder and understood what I had to do to manage it. It certainly helped that I enjoyed her company so much, over those past few months, I'd steadily grown stronger at fighting them off and keeping them quiet for a few hours. My times with Zoey were already limited, and I didn't want to lose a second of that time to someone who felt at best indifferently about her.

She's seen me on my days when I'm too messed up to even function properly. She's put up with verbal abuse from the other personalities. She's dealt with me needing to take the occasional break from an activity to pull my head together. Every other girl I'd even dated either talked down to me as if I could beat this by sheer force of will, treated me like a fragile object that couldn't be trusted in public, or just walked out the second they realized I had a problem I'd need constant help with. Zoey was the first girl to give me the respect, patience, and care I didn't realize I needed or even deserved.

It's so easy for me to lose myself in someone when they're so willing to invite me in, but still give my strength some credit in the process. There's no wonder I find myself so easily when I'm with her, since she's both so willing to help me stay here and she makes staying conscious so, so worth it.

I gently kissed her head again. "Sleep well, sweetheart," I whispered, unsure if she could hear me. "I love you." With that, I closed my eyes and let myself drift off in the arms of the most important thing to ever happen to me.
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Only When I Lose Myself