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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit	By : Jayrich Category: +1 through F > Dan Vs Views: 4007 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Just so it's clear, I do not on Dan vs. or the characters that appear on the show. Also, I am not making a single dime off of this story.

Chapter List
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Dan vs. the Lawsuit
“Is this what you want, Dan?”
She stood off in the distance, barely visible in the darkness, though Dan tried his best to focus his vision on her frame. Growing frustrated of simply staring at her from afar, he took off further into the darkness, chasing after the mysterious woman who asked him that question; who called out to him from the darkness.
“What’s keeping you, Dan? I’m waiting...”
His short legs carried him has far and fast as he could churn them, as he slowly closed the gap between him and his goal. He stretched his arms out, desperately wanting to reach out and grab a hold of her.
“I hope you can handle me, though...”
Suddenly, the hot-headed pursuer found his path blocked by a wall of flames. Instinctively he looked around to see if there was a way around it, and grew worried when he saw the way now encircled him. Surrounded on all sides by the flames, he could feel the heat as they rose higher and moved closer, ready to engulf him in a fiery pit until...
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
...he realized it was just a dream; the fourth one he had that week, in fact. It was the first one he had in Chris’ car though, and it almost caused him to swerve into oncoming traffic, and the path of a speeding Semi. He quickly regained control though, keeping his hands at 10 and 2. “So, haven’t been getting much sleep, have you?”
“NO!” Dan huffed. “And it’s the same stupid dream every time I do fall asleep! Some annoying woman calling out longingly to me. And then when I try to rush over to stuff a gag in her mouth to shut her up, she sets fire to the floor around me! She’s a pyromaniac!”
“You ever stop to think that there might be some alternate meaning to this dream you keep having?” Chris asked.
“No.” Dan answered bluntly. “I’m too busy trying to program my subconscious to have her tied up and tossed into the ocean the next time she appears in my dream. By the way, aren’t we there yet!?”
“As a matter of fact, we are.”
Making a left turn, Chris pulled into the parking lot of Dan’s preferred eating establishment, Burgerphile. He parked the car near the entrance, before the two of them stepped out and preceded into the restaurant. The place was a little more packed recently, thanks in part to Dan’s protest of management and the ousting of its manager, Jeff. And even though he missed Hortence being behind the counter, he made due with the young teen who seemed seriously disinterested in the transaction process.
“Yeah, welcome to Burgerphile, whaddya want?”
“Yes, I will have a plain hamburger, no cheese.” Dan requested.
“So...a cheeseburger?”
And right then Chris could see it; the early warning signs that Dan was on his way to an explosion that would drag him through an ordeal he would definitely regret. “Umm...” Getting the cashier’s attention, he motioned over to the wall, where he noticed the framed sneer of the customer in front of him, along with a message underneath the photo stating ‘This man can get you fired, so treat him with respect.’
“Ohhh, you’re that dude who caused all that drama a year and a half back...alright, whatever” The cashier responded. “One Cheeseburger, hold the cheese.”
“HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE!?” Dan argued. “A Cheeseburger with no cheese is called a Hamburger! IT’S COMMON KNOWLEDGE!!!”
Instead of responding to that, the cashier simply reached behind him and grabbed Dan’s order, before turning around and handing it to him. “That’ll be $2.50.”
Grumbling and shaking with anger, Dan reluctantly dug in his pocket and dropped over a dozen nickels and dimes onto the counter before snatching the bag and storming off, not even caring to wait for Chris. Spotting an empty table, he plopped himself down in a chair and opened the contents of his bag. Like a seasoned Private Eye he investigated the burger in front of him, checking for any sign of any dairy product that could’ve be placed or splashed upon either the patty or the bun. When he spotted none, his trademark grimace disappeared in place of a slight grin as he took a bite from his lunch, just as Chris joined him with his meal.
“Find anything wrong?” He asked.
Dan swallowed his bite and then narrowed his eyes. “Not this time...”
“So, mind telling me why you called me here for a private meeting?” Chris inquired, before taking a huge bite into one of several of his chicken sandwiches.
“Simple. I need your help to destroy the Internet.” Dan revealed, drawing a shocked yet expected look from his friend.
He chewed his bite a few times before swallowing and replying. “Somehow, I knew this day would come. So what happened?”
“Get this...” Dan began, setting aside his burger. “...while looking at a trailer for some modern-day Shakespeare adaptation, I took it upon myself to put out the errors the actors made. A minute later, some illiterate idiot responds to it saying ‘U Mad, Bro’?”
Chris rolled his eyes and took another bite from his sandwich as Dan continued. “OF COURSE I WAS MAD! I made that VERY clear in the first comment I made! And for him to use poor spelling? What, was he raised on a BARN!? And that’s not even half of it! Do you know there’s something out there called...Fan-Fiction?”
Chris nearly choked on his last bite of his sandwich, before swallowing and addressing his friend. “I...may have heard...that term used a couple of times...”
“Well they’re the bane of our existence!” Dan argued. “I’ve read a few of them, and to say they’re extremely confusing, disturbing and morally nerve-racking would be a compliment! I mean, whose idea was it to put Othello in a relationship with Iago! IT MAKES NO SENSE! THEY BARELY HAVE HISTORY WITH EACH OTHER! And don’t even get me STARTED on the Pop-Up Ads! I have not, nor will I ever need to know how much rates are going up on Home Equity Loans! AND—!”
“Dan, I’m not gonna help you destroy the Internet.” Chris interrupted. “Even though you listed some valid things about what’s wrong with it, the Internet has done far more good than harm.”
“Name one!” Dan said in defiance.
“It makes communication easier.” Chris replied off the top of his head.
“Oh, it’s so much easier!” Dan repeated mockingly. “Because lord knows it’s so hard to just put pen to paper and shell out 35 cents for a Stamp!”
“Actually, they’re 50 cents now.” Chris corrected him. Dan paused for a moment, and then responded by taking out his list and writing ‘United States Postal Service’ at the bottom of it as his friend continued. “Plus, it provides us access to all kinds of entertainment.”
“If I wanna watch stupid idiots get hit in the balls I can wait until the Bloopers show comes on TV!” Dan combated.
“It’s more than that.” Chris debated. “What about those cat videos I showed you? Maybe you could put a few videos of Mr. Mumbles up to share. I’ll lend you my video—!”
“How DARE you, sir!” Dan barked as he stood up and slammed his hands on the table. “To have my beloved pet trot and gallop about on the Internet just for others amusement? Do you think I’m a Pimp!?”
“Oh lord...” Chris muttered to himself as he shook his head in his hands.
Dan then took his seat and implored his friend again. “Now look, I already have the grappling hook. I just need some Olive Oil, a Tesla Coil and a Getaway Driver.”
“It’s not happening, Dan.” Chris told him, standing firm.
“YOU ARE A SHEEP!” Dan responded in rage. “A mindless slave to the Internet! I bet you and Elisa even blog together, don’t you!?”
“As a matter of fact we do!” Chris confirmed. “Even though it’s mostly her blogging...but I put in some good recipes and—!”
“Excuse me, is your name Dan?”
Turning to his right, Dan spotting a man about his height standing over him, his face darkened by the light shining behind him. “Who wants to know!?”
“Wait, you look familiar...” Chris noted, recognizing some features on the mysterious man’s face.
“Well, I guess you could say I have...that face.” Upon saying those last two words, he stepped into the light from the window, revealing his face as...
“THE IMPOSTOR!!!” Dan shouted, jumping to his feet. “He’s back to take over my life again...or ruin it...or probably send useless coupons to my mailbox!”
“What are you doing here?” Chris asked. “I thought you were happy when Dan got locked up.”
“Oh I was...” The Imposter verified. “...until I found out it was only for 6 weeks. Call me obsessive compulsive, but I think it’s only fair that you get locked up for 30 years. You know, just a little interest.”
“And just how do expect to do that!?” Dan demanded.
The Dan look-alike answered that question by tossing a short stack of papers in a folder onto the table in front of the two. “With this. By the way, you’ve been served.”
Dan’s confusion grew almost as much as his anger. “What? You’re SUING me!?”
“Oh no, not me.”
“Well then WHO IS!?”
“Apparently, the city of Los Angeles.” Chris answered as he looked over the papers. “For damages done to city property, disturbing the peace, reckless endangerment, and it goes on from there.”
“FRAUDULENT CHARGES!!!” Dan screamed. “THEY’LL NEVER STICK! Besides, everything I’ve done was for a good reason!”
“Oh I’m quite sure it was.” The Imposter mockingly agreed. “I’m also quite sure you should find a pet-sitter soon. It wouldn’t be nice to leave Mr. Mumbles alone...”
With that said the smirking clone of Dan turned on his heels and casually walked out of the restaurant, leaving Chris and Dan to contemplate what just happened. But there was no need to think on Dan’s part. He already knew how he felt, and anyone looking at him could tell in a second. His entire body was trembling, fists clenched, teeth grinding, and his face a clear crimson red. Sensing danger for his food, Chris quickly removed his tray from the table; which proved to be a smart move as a moment later, Dan flipped it with such force it shattered the window across the room. He then threw his fists into the air, shouting out the bane of his hatred loud enough for the entire Pacific shoreline to hear.
“LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIT!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I gotta say Chris I’m still kind of confused about all of this.”
Elisa told her husband that as they sat in the hallway of Los Angeles County Courthouse, just outside of the very courtroom Dan’s trial will be held. They were patiently waiting for Dan and the doors to open.
“I already explained it, honey.” Chris told her. “Dan is being sued for basically everything he took revenge on in the past. And if they find him Guilty, he’ll have to pay $30 Million in damages or spend 30 years in prison.”
“No, I perfectly understood that part.” Elisa explained. “What I’m confused about is how WE didn’t get contacted about this lawsuit.”
“ELISE!”
“Hey, we could use a new coffee table.” She said in her defense. “Plus, we’d still have enough left over for a backyard grill...”
Chris was about to chide his wife for turning on a friend, but the thought of having a huge grill out in the backyard halted him. His head was instead filled with images of cooking chicken, steaks, turkeys and even whole pigs on his grill; the flames kissing them ever so gently as his mouth watered over the sight of—!
“There you are!”
He was suddenly jostled from his daydream by the sound of Dan’s voice. Opening his eyes, he saw his best friend standing before him in an actual three-piece suit...although it did look a couple of sizes too large. “You two left me waiting for an hour! You were supposed to pick me up!”
“No we weren’t, Dan.” Elise clarified. “We told you that yesterday and then again today.”
“Whatever!” Dan said, ignoring her. “I had to catch a Taxi just to make it here! And then some business yutz tried to cut in front of me and take it. But he learned his lesson...”
“Nice suit!” Chris commented. “But shouldn’t you have gotten it tailored to your size?”
“Why? It’s not mine...” Dan responded.
Chris was about to question just what he meant by that, but thinking it over, he decided it best to not question anything that could have him brought up on more charges while in court. Instead the three, led by Dan, pushed the large brown doors open and entered the surprisingly-packed courtroom. All eyes turned to the defendant and his friends as they marched down the aisle. At the front of the courtroom Dan saw him, the Imposter, wearing a smug grin along with a silver 3-piece suit which fit him perfectly. Chris and Elise both took their seats as Dan pushed through the swinging door and took his place behind the defendant’s desk.
“What’re you doing here!?” Dan demanded.
“Just doing my job as a Prosecutor.” The Imposter answered.
“Wait, you’re the Prosecutor on this case, too!? How could you get a job like that so quickly?” Chris inquired. “We last saw you just a few months ago.”
“Online schools.” He replied. “You’d be surprised just how quickly you can get a Law Degree. Nice suit, Dan, although I should refer you to my tailor.”
“Don’t bother, because I’m gonna take you to the cleaners!” Dan shot back.
“Oooh, nice one! But you really have no chance of winning this case.”
“We’ll see, you dime-store knockoff.”
“ALL RISE!!!”
Everyone in the courtroom stood on their feet as the Bailiff announced the arrival of the Judge. “The honorable Judge—!”
“Thank you, Bailiff Rich.” The Judge interrupted as he took his seat. “You may all be seated. I would like to get things going quickly so that we...oh god, not you.” He spotted Dan just to his right, sitting behind his table with an annoyed look. “And I was hoping to get a golf game in...”
“Don’t worry, sir.” The Imposter assured him. “I aim to have this done fast enough for you to make it to your tee time.”
“Why thank you, my good man.” The Judge said. “Now as for you...wait, where is your legal representation?”
“Unneeded.” Dan answered as he rose from his seat. “For I shall be representing myself!”
The entire courtroom gasped over that development as both Elise and Chris leaned forward to speak with their friend. “You really think this is a wise decision?” Chris asked.
“Over having to trust some Plea Peddler to overlook my well-being and freedom for this case? No thank you!” Dan told him.
“Not that I don’t enjoy seeing you squirm in a situation like this...” Elise added. “...but have you ever heard the saying ‘Any man who represents himself has a fool for a client’?”
“Yes. And it boggles my mind how HE got made Prosecutor for this case!”
“No, meant you...Never mind.”
“Opening arguments, if you please...” The Judge requested.
Taking the initiative, the Impostor rose from behind his desk and walked out to the center of the courtroom, wearing a cocky yet sinister smirk. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury...you all know Dan. You all know who he is, you all know where he lives, and you probably all know just how much damage he could do during one of his...temper tantrums. And what I know is that you all are tired of it! How many times has his tirades caused damage to your property, or made you late for an important event, or have even ruined that event? Think of it; Birthdays, Anniversaries, Weddings...even funerals have been destroyed by this man!”
“OBJECTION!!!” Dan roared, slamming his fists on the table. “That man was already cremated! The casket was just for show!”
“ORDER!!!” The Judge shouted, banging his gavel. “I will not stand for these outbursts...you would do well to remember that!”
The smirk grew wider on the Impostor’s face as he continued. “As I was saying...so much damage he’s done, and up to this date he has only received slaps on the wrist. Well no more! I am here today to make sure Justice is served! To show that there are repercussions for all actions taken! And to show that no one is above the Law...”
Dan could feel the last part of his statement directed at him, even without his doppelganger making eye contact. Instead he just flashed a shark-like grin at the Jury before making his way back to his seat.
“And for the Defense...”
Dan was about to rise from his seat when he felt both Elise’s and Chris’ hands hold him down. “OK Dan, you’re gonna wanna think long and hard about what you say.” Elise advised. “The Jury can still—whoa! OK, you’re going up the creek.”
“What are you talking about? He can—oh!” Chris grew silent as he observed the faces on the Jury, almost every one of them glaring a hole through Dan. “Yeah, everyone on there definitely wants to see you in jail...except for that woman.”
Chris subtly pointed over to the right side of the Jury in the front row, where a young woman with pink curly hair sat, happily licking an all-day sucker. She wore white blouse with a black sleeveless sweater over it, decorated with bright balloons on the front. Noticing that the three were staring at her, she turned to them and flashed a wide grin while waving to them, before going back to her oversized lollipop.
“She looks like she hasn’t even met you...” Chris surmised. “...or heard your name...or seen your face...”
“Maybe you can get a hung jury from her, Dan.” Elise recommended.
“PFFT! She’s just the same as those other philistines!” Dan grumbled. “She might be worse than them all combined! Probably some kind of sinister mastermind...”
“Dan...she’s licking a lollipop.”
“Look at that face!” Dan said in his defense. “No one on Earth is ever THAT happy! No one!”
Making his point, the Defendant in the case slowly rose to his feet and mimicked his Imposter, walking out to center of the courtroom to address everyone inside. “Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury...you’re all stupid!”
Again, gasps echoed throughout the courtroom as both Chris and Elise dropped their faces into the palms of their hands while Dan continued. “Stupid for not seeing the TRUE reasons for my actions, but at least you gave me the chance to defend myself in the Court of Law! My actions, everything I am being quote unquote “convicted of”, were all done in self-defense! And sure, while a FEW cars might have been completely totaled and a FEW homes might’ve burned to the ground...does that justify punishing an innocent man who was just defending himself from a cold, cruel world that has it out for him? Would you prosecute Chuck Norris for defending himself against a horde of ninja that want to use his soul to summon the next Shogun Demon!? I think not!”
Loud murmurs filled the courtroom as Dan made his way back behind his table, and none of them were positive. The Imposter could barely stifle his laughter over Dan’s opening statement, and both Chris & Elise knew that this entire trial would not end well.
“Guess I better get a cat case for Mr. Mumbles.” Chris said.
“She’s sleeping in the Laundry Room.” Elise replied. “I’m not having my furniture scratched up.”

“Well, that went better than expected.”
Dan felt confident as he walked out of the courthouse and into the night air with Elise and Chris right behind them. His two friends didn’t share his optimism, though.
“Really?” Elise questioned. “The Impostor brought up a near-endless line of witnesses against you and has enough testimony to fill a phone book, but that went better than expected?”
“Yes!” Dan repeated; a little annoyance in his voice. “You know you really oughta be a little more optimistic, Elise.”
A vein of frustration appeared on Elise’s forehead momentarily, before disappearing as she remembered what was at stake during Dan’s trial. “I’m really gonna enjoy the 6 months I get away from you...”
“Seriously Dan, you have to be worried that you might spend time in Prison!” Chris warned him.
“I am NOT going to Prison!” Dan said defiantly. “That Impostor has picked the wrong man to impersonate! When I’m done he’s gonna—WHOA!!!”
Nearly losing his balance, Dan fell backward and was caught by Chris, who prevented him from landing on his back. The three looked just ahead of them and saw the reason Dan stumbled...a huge pothole in the middle of a crosswalk. “YOU SEE!? THIS is why I’m not going to Prison!” Dan told the two. “Who leaves a Pothole THIS BIG in the City!?”
Elise didn’t pay attention to Dan’s ranting; instead she noticed a strange odor in the air. “Does anyone else smell that?”
“Yeah...” Chris confirmed. “It...smells like Brimstone. OH NO!”
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH!!!
Like an erupting Volcano, a pillar of fire shot forth from the pothole, causing the three of them to stumble and fall back. As they gazed into the center of the pillar, they noticed a dark figure coming into existence within it. It was a feminine figure, slender but tall, with wings...and horns sprouting from her head. The figure slowly floated forward, exiting the pillar and revealing herself as...
“THE DEMON!!!” Chris shouted before hiding behind his wife.
“YOU!?!?” Dan yelled.
“Yes, me.” She responded as she tickled his chin with her finger. “Nice to see you remember my face, office monkey.”
“Don’t call me that!” Dan ordered as he batted her hand away. “Also, I don’t work at your office anymore! In fact I don’t work at all, so you’re not my Boss!”
“True, you can take the monkey out of the office but...you know the rest.”
“Huh, a real live actual demon.” Elise noted. “My superiors told me you guys had a flair for dramatic entrances.”
“HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM!?” Chris asked, panicking. “She just rose up from the ground and—wait, what did you say about your superiors?”
“Nothing, honey.” Elise told him. “We’ll talk when we get home.”
“What are you doing here!?” Dan demanded. “I doused you with Holy Water! You should be back in Hell!”
The Demoness simply laughed over that statement. “Awww, how cute. He thinks just because some church water splashed on me that I gotta stay away forever. Sorry monkey, that only works with Vampire Slaying Cheerleaders.”
Chris grew tired of her joking, but still wasn’t brave enough to stand and face her. “What do you want!?”
“Simple; I wanna help Dan.”
“Help me with what?”
“Your court case, of course.”
“How do you—!”
“I’m a fucking demon.” She said casually. “We know 90% of Lawyer activity on this planet. We also know Dan could be going away for a long time.”
“So all of a sudden you wanna help me!?” Dan asked. “HA! Lemme guess, at the sacrifice of my soul!?”
“OH please, souls are so overrated now!” The Boss replied. “They’re like a dime a dozen downstairs. No Danny, what I want is something of far more cost to you...Your Virginity!”
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Dan Vs. The Lawsuit