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Duck Butter	By : Kobanya Category: +G through L > Looney Tunes Show, The Views: 6510 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own The Looney Tunes Show and make no money off of this.

Chapter List
- 1-Duck Butter
- 2-Duck Butter Pt. 2
- 1
- 2
I blame TV Tropes, specifically the WMG page about Bugs & Daffy. I didn't even think of them as a pairing until then and now it won't leave my brain. Also, this story might feel a bit jumpy to some, and I admit it's not in my usual style, so share your thoughts, mmmkay?
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Bugs walked into the kitchen, sparing a glance at Daffy asleep on his bed. He really should move that bed back to Daffy’s room, but the duck would probably complain, plus it sounded like too much work. He opened the fridge and got out a bagel and cream cheese.
After setting the items down he closed the door, waking up Daffy. “Do you mind? I was trying to sleep!” “Daff: it’s not my fault you wanna sleep in the kitchen.” Bugs said, putting the bagel in the toaster. “Whatever Spargle Bunny.” Daffy said, getting out of bed.
He stretched and walked to the fridge, opening it and grabbing the milk jug. “Man, I had the weirdest dream,” Daffy uncapped the milk and drank from it, “I think we were having a pool party, if you catch my drift.” Daffy said with a grin.
Bugs only shook his head and took his bagel halves out of the toaster, also grabbing a butter knife out of the drawer. “Better than the one with the robotic bull.” They both shared a chuckle at that.
As Bugs began to put cream cheese on the bagel halves, Daffy said, “It felt so real though, like I was sliding through water…or cheese. Maybe it was cheese.” Bugs took this moment to actually look at the cream cheese and once he did, he dropped his knife. There was a shape in the cheese that he refused to name. He stared at his bagel and debated whether or not to still eat it. I gotta draw the line somewhere.
With that, he set the bagel down and got a Yum-Tart out of the cabinet. “Hey, you gonna eat this?” Daffy asked, holding the bagel. “Nah, you go ahead.” Bugs tried not to grimace as Daffy ate both halves. “Hey, this cream cheese is pretty good! What’s in it? And don’t say carrots, because I know it’s not.” Daffy said in between licks of his fingers. “Nope. It’s a secret sauce.” “No way.” “Way. Check it yourself.” Bugs ate his pastry and then left the kitchen. He had just gotten settled in his chair when he heard a “WHAT?!” and snickered.
–
“I can’t believe you did that to the cream cheese! I mean it’s so unsanitary!” Daffy cried as he paced in front of Bugs’ chair. Bugs only rolled his eyes, knowing Daffy wasn’t done. “I know we’re into some freaky things, but I draw the line at food! Well, unless it’s chocolate. Or frosting. Or syrup. But anything else is despicable.” Bugs raised a brow. “Yes, now I’m done.” Daffy said. “Daffy, you did that to the cream cheese, not me.”
The look on Daffy’s face was priceless: a mix of shock and horror. “So that dream?” “Yeah.” “And I?” “Yeah.” “In the?” “Yeah Daff.” There was a long pause before Daffy finally said, “Huh. No wonder it tasted so good. I oughta bottle that stuff and put it on everything.” “Please don’t.” Bugs replied. “I’ll make a fortune! Daffy’s Duck Butter: good for the mind, body, and soul!” “Daff, if you do this, I will never speak to you again.” Bugs said. Daffy waved his hand dismissively. “You always say that. Now, to come up with a label…eh, too much work. I’ll get Porky to do it.”
Bugs put out a hand to stop him, but Daffy had already run off. Bugs sat there for a moment before slapping his face with a palm.
–
Daffy and Porky stood in front of the pig’s computer, with the duck’s head blocking the screen from behind. “Bigger. Bigger. Way bigger. Aw, come on, it’s gotta be bigger than that! This is me we’re talking about!” Daffy said. “D-Duh-Daffy, I ca-can’t make it any bi-uh-bi-uh-bigger. It’ll shoot off the page and won’t show up on t-th-uh-the label.” Porky replied with his usual stuttering.
“You’re just doing it wrong. Move over.” Daffy said, hip bumping the pig out of the way. He then began to press random keys on the keyboard and click the mouse several times. “There! Much better.” Daffy said. Porky had a look and shook his head. “Why exactly do you need the be-a-buh-bi-butter symbol to be so big?” Porky asked. “That thing is butter? I thought it was a cock.” “Wee-uh-why would a ri-uh-roo-uh-rooster need to be so big?”
Daffy only shrugged in response as Porky retook his seat and corrected the size of the butter symbol. “There. What do you think now?” On the screen were the words ‘Daffy’s Duck Butter’ with the aforementioned symbol and a generic picture of a farm as the background. Daffy stared at it for a long time without saying anything, rubbing his chin in thought.
“It’s perfect! I’m sure to make a fortune, and then that rabbit will know who the man of the house is.” He finally said, rubbing his hands with glee. “Well, I’m glad you like it Daffy. How many copies are you going to need?” “A hundred. No wait, better be on the safe side: a thousand. Be sure to get that done by tomorrow.” Daffy said. “T-Tuh-Tomorrow?!” Porky replied with surprise. “Thanks Pork.” Daffy said as he left. Porky stared at the screen and groaned.
–
Bugs unlocked the front door and stepped inside, closing it with his foot. He had a pizza box with the Pizzarriba! Logo stamped on the box, a bag of breadsticks on top of the box, and a 2-liter of soda in his hands. After doing a bit of juggling, he put his keys in the bowl and set the items on the coffee table; he would have put them in the kitchen, but this time was usually when Daffy was napping, and he actually wanted to eat his food.
He pulled a slice out of the box and was about to take a bite when he heard a grunt. After a moment of waiting, he shrugged and tried again, only to hear the same noise. Deciding that he wasn’t going to be able to eat unless he investigated, Bugs got up, slice in hand, and followed the grunting. He stopped when it led him to the kitchen, remaining just out of sight of the opening.
‘Please let him just be lifting soda cans in there…’ Bugs thought as against his better judgment he stepped into the kitchen. It took him a moment to realize that he had closed his eyes, and another moment to convince himself that he really wanted to look. Daffy was hunched over on top of the sink and was the source of the grunting noise; with both hands out of sight, Bugs assumed-with no small measure of relief- that Daffy had just clogged the sink again. Except that now Daffy was muttering to himself, and it wasn’t the kind of irritated muttering one does when trying to fix a stubborn problem.
‘He can’t be. I told him not to.’ Bugs’ brain was stuck on that train of thought, even as what Daffy was saying reached his ears: “Oh yeah, you like that don’t you? Yeah, that’s right. It’s rabbit season and I’m the hunter. Unh, yeah, yeah…I’m gonna stick my gun down that hole of yours, you little tease.” Bugs’ brain finally kick started into motion and he said the first thing that came to mind.
“It’s duck season.” “Rabbit season.” Daffy replied, still oblivious. “Duck season.” “Rabbit season.” “Duck season.” Bugs said again. ‘Why am I saying this? Just tell him to stop, he’s over the sink, my good casserole dish is soaking in there-’ “Rabbit season.” Daffy replied again. “Rabbit season.” Bugs said, knowing the result. “Duck season, AAAHHH!!!” Daffy finally turned his head as he answered, and seeing Bugs was what caused him to yell in surprise. In that same moment there was the sound of liquid filling a container.
The two stared at each other for a long moment, Daffy’s one of surprise and Bugs’ of exasperation. Finally Daffy broke the silence. “Don’t sneak up on me like that! You trying to kill me?” “If I was trying to kill ya Daff, you’d know it.” Bugs replied.
Daffy took a look at what he was holding and then said, “Never mind, surprise me more often. I’m into that apparently.” He climbed down from the sink and put the cap back on the milk bottle he had been holding. Bugs stared at the bottle and then immediately turned his back on it, finally eating his pizza slice.
“Daffy, I thought I told you-“ “Yeah, yeah, ‘don’t do it, never speak to you again, French toast, blah, blah.’ What do you know? I’m going to be rich, and you’ll have wished you had thought of it sooner.” “Daff, no one will buy that. It’s disgusting. You’re disgusting.” “I am a genius.” Daffy said proudly, putting his label on the bottle and then into the fridge. “And don’t drink that without paying for it. I know that might be hard for you.”
Bugs turned back around in time to catch Daffy’s smug look. Without missing a beat, Bugs replied, “Oh yeah, drinking a whole bottle of that turns me on as much as your dirty talk. ‘I’m gonna stick my gun down that hole of yours?’ Really?” The sarcasm practically dripped off every word.
“This coming from the cross dresser.” “If I recall correctly, you seem to like it when I take my heels and-“ “My point is that I’m going to be richer than you and I won’t give a cent to karitos.” “You mean charity.” “Whatever. Now move along, I got more bottles to fill. Unless you’re going to do that thing with the paper maché.” “That was a onetime birthday present Daffy. I had bought us a pizza, but I can see you’re busy.” Bugs said.
He left just as Daffy grabbed another empty bottle and straddled the sink again. ‘What do I see in him? Well, if it’s him or Lola, I’ll take Daffy. His crazy I can handle.’ Bugs sat down on the couch, grabbed a paper plate from the stack Daffy always hid under the cushions, and began eating.
-
Daffy finished setting up his stand and stepped back to look at it. The stand had his bottles on both sides and a cash register in the middle. There were two poles attached to the stand that held a banner that read, ‘Daffy’s Duck Butter: $20’ He stared at the stand for a moment before taking his seat behind the counter. ‘Just you wait rabbit, I’ll show you who has stupid ideas.’ Daffy sat there and waited for his neighbors to come out and buy his product.
He lasted less than a minute before reaching under the stand and pulling out a megaphone. He turned it on, the item squealing with feedback. “Hey people! I’m selling a quality product out here, so come get it!” He yelled. A few seconds passed and not a single door opened. “First bottle’s free.”
A door slammed open and out rushed Yosemite Sam. He approached the stand and reached for a bottle, only to get his hand smacked by Daffy. “But you said the first one’s free!” “You gotta purchase nine bottles first.” Daffy replied. “How do I know yer not scamming me duck?” Sam asked. “Would I lie to you?” Daffy asked. “Yes.” Sam answered.
“Just buy a bottle.” Daffy snapped. Sam shrugged and handed Daffy a twenty-dollar bill, getting a bottle in exchange. He popped the top and drank it all in one go; oddly enough, Daffy thought he heard someone retching.
Sam stood there for a moment, staring at the bottle. “Woo! This here is the tastiest thing I ever dun had! It’s more of a cream than butter though.” “Creams are ointments. Besides, leave it out long enough and it’ll be buttery.” Daffy replied. “Hey neighbors, you gotta try this stuff! After I get my free bottle.” Sam yelled, muttering the last part to himself.
As the rest of the neighborhood began to leave their homes, Sam paid Daffy enough that he got his free bottle. Yosemite chuckled to himself as he left, obviously thinking he got the better end of the deal.
Granny approached the stand next while Daffy put the money in the register. “Oh my. Twenty dollars is quite a lot of money. Is it only for eating because I could use a new shampoo. My old one is-“ “Lady, I don’t wanna hear your life story. My brand does everything, and I do mean everything.” Daffy interrupted. That earned him a stern look from Granny before she removed her wallet from her purse.
“Now let’s see, I know I have a twenty around here somewhere…” Granny began digging around in her wallet and as the seconds ticked by, Daffy slumped more and more in his chair. Daffy was about to yell at the old woman to leave, when she finally found a twenty. “Here you go dear. And since you waited so patiently, I’ll give you a tip.” Granny said, placing down twenty-five dollars. “Thanks.” Daffy replied dully, putting the money away and handing her a bottle.
Granny left and it was Witch Lezah’s turn to approach the stand. She looked at the banner, then the bottles, and finally Daffy. “So you’re selling…Duck Butter?” “Yep.” “For twenty dollars” “Yep.” “What’s in it?” “Trade secret.” Lezah crossed her arms. “What’s in it Daffy?” “All-natural ingredients. You buying or not?”
“Without knowing what it’s made of? You must be crazy. Not to mention that twenty dollars is a bit much, even for ‘all-natural ingredients.’” Lezah said. “Then move. You’re holding up the line.” Daffy said. Lezah looked behind her. “There ain’t nobody there. Whatever, I’m leaving.”
The witch began to walk away and turned back around a few steps later to say, “Oh, and a word of advice: that’s a cream, not butter.” She then walked back home, ignoring Daffy’s yell of, “Creams are for old people!”
-
Bugs yawned as he walked down the stairs. He had only gone down three steps when he tripped over something and fell the rest of the way down. He groaned when he landed and slowly picked himself off the ground. Bugs looked up to see what he had tripped over and saw bags of money littering the steps; he had even landed on a few, which explained why the floor felt harder and lumpier than usual.
‘I swear, if Sam is using our house as money-laundering base again…’ Bugs headed towards the front door, intent on making sure Sam had nothing to do with this, when the door slammed open, hitting him smack in the face.
“See ya later girls!” ‘Well, Daffy’s home.’ Bugs thought as he heard a car drive away. Daffy closed the door and the two looked at each other. “What were you doing behind the door? Never mind, I don’t care.” Daffy said. Bugs opened his mouth to say something, but shook his head and sighed instead. “Care to tell me what this is all about?” Bugs asked, gesturing at the bags of money. “Oh, that. I was gonna take a money bath, but you locked your door. Went to a party instead.”
“You have your own bathroom.”
“When you’re rich like me, you can do whatever you want. It’s the rules.” Bugs crossed his arms. “That’s not a rule Daff. How’d you get this money anyway?” “It should be a rule. And when you’re rich like me, you don’t divulge the secrets of your success.” “You kept selling the Duck Butter didn’t you?” Bugs said, deadpan.
Daffy walked over the nearest bag of money and slung it over his shoulder, smacking Bugs in the process. “Yes I did.” He made his way up the stairs and began to head down the hallway to Bugs’ room. He reappeared at the corner to add, “And now I’m going to take a money bath. In your bathroom. Because I’m rich.” Daffy disappeared down the hallway after each statement only to return to say the next.
Bugs could only shake his head and went into the kitchen to make himself a carrotini.
-
Bugs was in his room when Daffy finally left the bathroom, wads of cash stuck to his feathers and a towel around his waist. “You do realize you’re not supposed to use water, right?” “When you’re rich-“ Bugs held up a hand to stop him. “Look Daff: enough is enough. Eventually people are going to figure out what you put in that stuff, and when they do, I’m not hiding you.” Bugs said firmly.
Daffy looked at him for a moment before replying, “You’re jealous.”
“What?”
“Yeah, of my success. You want to be the only breadwinner in the house with your stupid carrot peeler invention, and you’re trying to keep me down! Well let me tell you something Bugs Bunny: you can’t stop time. I’m going to be more successful than you, and you just need to deal with it.” “You’re selling that crap under false pretenses!” “It’s not crap.” Daffy replied. Bugs stared at the readers before replying, “Right.”
Bugs had reached his breaking point; he smacked Daffy in the head and snatched back his towel, causing Daffy to shriek and cover himself with his hands. “What’s wrong with you? What if the neighbors see?” Daffy yelled. “Oh, now you care if the neighbors see! But when you were making butter in the kitchen, over my good casserole dish you didn’t care at all! Besides, if they do see, they’ll finally learn where all that butter came from.” Bugs replied. Daffy had a scandalized look on his face for a several minutes and it took another smack from Bugs to snap him out of it.
Instead of hitting him back like Bugs thought he would, Daffy chuckled. “You got me there for a second. I’m a horrible, terrible person. Suuuure.” He then followed up with, “It’s twenty bucks and I don’t do anything freaky.”
Bugs stared at Daffy for a good minute trying to figure out what the hell the duck was talking about. The metaphorical light bulb went off above his head and he smacked his forehead with his palm. “Daffy: we’re not role-playing. I’m really mad at you. So either get out, or I’ll throw you out. And I don’t just mean this room, I mean my home.” “Whoa, if you’re gonna throw me against the wall or down the stairs, we need a safe word first. ‘Rich’ sounds good.”
The next instant Daffy was tossed out the front door that then shut and locked behind him. Daffy got up and tried to open the door anyway. Once he was sure he couldn’t force it open, he huffed and stepped back.
He then got an idea and bent to reach for the key hidden under the welcome mat, only for the mat to somehow be pulled under the door and into the house along with the key. “Well fine! I don’t need you anyway! I’m rich, and I’ll do what I want, when I want!” Daffy yelled.
He began to march off, only to suddenly be smothered by his bags of money. From his place in the backyard, Bugs snickered and patted the trebuchet next to him. ‘Good thing Daffy’s a hoarder and kept this from his celebration of the Anglo-Saxon War.’
-
Bugs was on his third carrotini when there was a knock at the door. He turned his head towards the door from his place on the couch but after a moment’s contemplation, went back to sipping his drink. There was another knock at the door and Bugs fished out a hand mirror wedged in the couch to use it to look at the window framing the door.
He saw a pig-shaped shadow and sighed, putting the mirror down and getting up, carrotini in hand. He walked over to the door and opened it. “Hey Porky, what’s-eeugh!” Bugs cut himself off as he saw Porky dipping a celery stick into a jar of Duck Butter and then taking a bite. “Hey Bugs,” Porky dipped the stick again and then took a bite, “…what?” Porky asked, noticing Bugs’ expression.
Bugs’ expression fell into one of apathy and he replied, “Nothing. Come on in.” He stepped back to let Porky inside and then shut the door. He locked it afterwards and turned to face Porky, trying to ignore what he was eating. Bugs was doing fine until Porky licked his fingers when the celery stick was gone; he resisted the urge to gag.
“S-So what, uh, brings ya over here Porky?” Bugs asked. The slight stutter was due to Porky dipping his fingers in the jar and then sucking on them. Bugs had to wait until Porky was done to get a reply. “Daffy came over for more labels for the Duck Butter. D-Did you know I-I g-get t-ten percent of the g-gross?” ‘Gross is right.’ Bugs thought.
Porky was about to dip his fingers in the jar again when Bugs pushed him into the kitchen and quickly handed him another celery stick, to which Porky gave his thanks. Bugs thankfully didn’t have to look at Porky while he refilled his martini glass. ‘How many of these have I had? Eh, I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been that many; maybe I’ll have a cup of coffee after this.’ “So how’d you manage that?” “I c-c-convinced D-Daffy that th-the zi-uh-zero drops, m-ma-making it one percent.” Bugs took another sip of his carrotini before facing Porky again.
Now the pig was spreading it onto slices of bread and eating that. Trying to ignore the thoughts of how disgusting that was and how he was going to have to throw that knife out, Bugs replied, “How much of that stuff have you had?” Porky paused in mid-bite to think about it. “I d-dunno, a jar or two I guess.” Porky said, finishing off his toast slice.
He brushed the crumbs off his face and added, “Besides, this stuff is made of p-perfectly n-uh-natural ingredients, so it had t-to be g-guh-good for you.” Bugs noted Porky’s raised brow and followed his stare to his half-drained martini glass and shrugged. “You try living with Daffy for several years and see what happens. It’s either this, or killing him.” “H-Have you two t-tried c-counseling?” Bugs looked at Porky. “I tried that, but Daffy kept thinking the guy was gonna demand a wizard battle and shoot lightning at him.” There was a pause before Porky replied, “T-That’s a chancellor.”
Bugs looked at his martini glass and thought to himself that he needed a stronger drink. He downed the remainder in the glass and went to make himself a cup of coffee. “A-Anyway, just try talking to him. I’m s-sure if you explain things, he’ll g-g-get it.” “No he won’t. Daffy’s an idiot.” Bugs said. He traded his glass for a mug and after pouring his drink, sipped happily at his alcohol-laced cup of coffee.
He could feel the buzz settling in just as he noticed Porky dipping a carrot into the jar. He considered not telling Porky the truth, but thinking about Daffy had irritated him. ‘Not to mention no carrot deserves that.’ “Hey Pork, I think you should know something…” Bugs leaned over towards Porky to whisper the rest in his ear.
As he leaned back, he sipped from his mug as realization slowly dawned on Porky’s face. “T-This j-jar is…?” “Yep.” “A-And I?” “Yep.” To his credit, Porky managed to set the jar on the table before running to the bathroom, retching heard a moment after.
Bugs sipped his coffee.
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Duck Butter