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The Official GAR Calendar	By : Jade_Max Category: +S through Z > Star Wars: The Clone Wars Views: 7217 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Star Wars is George's sandbox, I'm simply destroying the sandcastles and make no money off of this

Chapter List
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Author’s Note: So, this series of randomness came from a discussion between myself and several other “TCW” authors about a few things regarding to clones.
I’ll be taking that conversation slightly out of context since it started with the question of “How much is too much Clones hotness” and devolved into a brief challenge about sweaty, dirty, sexy, tied up more of the same.
The rating is here for a reason and is mostly about the Clones from the view of their ladies – and some. Expect ribald comments, suggestive situations and, eventually, something that makes the rating worth it ;)
For the purpose of this fic, I’ve hijacked [with permission] several OCs from these ladies, as follows:
From laloga I’ve borrowed: Kalinda Halcyon, Stonewall, Crest, Milo, Weave, Trax
From Ashley I’ve borrowed: Aala, Mari and Whisky
From Prudii I've borrowed: Shereshoy Par'jain, and Korbin
From LongLiveTheClones I've borrowed: Karyn and Travis
From reulte I've borrrowed: Cass Cjain, Riposte and Baffle
From Queen I've borrowed: Behri, Suisen, Jir, Nadeh, Maki and Kura
There are also various nods to things I've seen in their stories or heard about; lots of "Easter Eggs" in this fic if you've read their stuff - if you haven't, do so now and don't forget to review! ;)
Assume, for the fic's sake, that everyone knows everyone else... just go with it *grin*
They will likely be horribly OOC - my apologies in advance.

Disclaimer: Star Wars and its affiliates do not belong to me and I make no money off this production. It’s George’s sandbox, I’m just destroying the sandcastles and playing with the official action figures – I’ll put them back when I’m done ;)
Title: The Official GAR Calendar
Author: Jade-Max
Rating: Very Strongly NC-17 [for later chapters]
Characters: Obi-Wan, Anakin, Ahsoka, Captain Rex, Commander Cody, Arc Fives, Arc Echo, Jesse, Edge - yeah, there's a lot of characters in this...
Summary: Randomness – how much clone hotness is too much? Careful what you wish for…
Genre: HUMOR!! Don’t take this seriously :p

The Official GAR Calendar
Chapter 1 - Spring
“Anakin, what are you doing?”
A very irritated, shirt-less and pristine looking Obi-Wan Kenobi regarded his former apprentice through the holo recorder's viewer, Anakin’s discombobulated voice sounding from outside the frame as Obi-Wan paused mid-swing of a shovel. Standing on the edge of a barely begun trench, Obi-Wan was framed in the clear light of the afternoon sun, his skin practically sparkling compared to the men arranged beyond him in various stages of industriousness and a similar state of undress.
"Just taking some holos, Master,” he replied cheekily, “seeing as how we’re all stuck here for an extended period of time, I figured those back home might want to know how we spend our time.”
“Shouldn’t holos be taken with a holo recorder, General?”
The scene before the camera shifted to show a clone with a very distinctive scar around his left eye and down his cheek, barred to the waist and leaning on a shovel in the beginnings of a trench as Anakin obviously turned.
"Better color recognition on a vid than a holo, Cody." Anakin sounded almost smug. "I think something would be lost in translation without it."
"If you say so, sir."
Behind the Commander many more brothers were in similar states of undress. Torso after torso of rippling muscles covered in a sheen of sweat, near identical - all save Kenobi - but for minor distinguishing marks, were on showcase as a plethora of testosterone and male beauty.
The viewers of the holo sighed, one reaching out to pause the vid, zooming in on two clones beyond the one in focus.
"Hey!"
One of the clones in question had been caught mid-swing, his muscles rippling in such a way that it was obvious the power he was using to throw a very full shovel full of mud away from the trench line they were digging. A very prominent scar, but only in sunlight, traced about his middle, dissecting muscles but not detracting from the strength of his frame, drawing the eye down to the lower half of his fatigues. His face was a mask stoicism even with his eyes on the other clone in frame who was pantomiming a Jedi lightsaber lunge with the shovel. Both clones were naked to the waist and streaked with dark lines of mud.
“Isn’t that-?”
“Stonewall and Crest?” interjected Karyn, her tone amused. “Don’t tell me you even have to ask, Kali.”
“Of course not,” Kalinda Halcyon retorted and then sighed dejectedly. “I just have the rotten luck to be stuck here on retreat while they’re playing in the mud.”
There was a round of female laughter.
"It's for a good cause," Suisen assured her. "I'm sure we can find an image or two or four for the men of the Galactic Army of the Republic calendar."
"Just one, Suisen?" Mari lamented. "That opening scene alone has potential to be a calendar all it's own."
“And don’t worry, Kali,” empathized Sheresh, “I’m sure Stonewall wouldn't mind getting all muddy again if you asked.”
She brightened immediately, sitting straighter in her chair. “You’re right; he wouldn't!”
“Hey,” piped in a younger voice, her soft tones mild but intense. “If you’re done ogling Stonewall, can we put the focus back on Cody?”
“Or Rex,” piped in another younger voice, this one more enthusiastic. “I wanna see Rex. He wields a mean shovel!”
“Spoken from experience, Ahsoka?”
The young Togrutan woman grinned. “You don’t actually think I join in when things like this happen, do you? There’s far too much eye candy on display; I’d never get any work done.”
"Nor would they," teased Mari. "You'd be the first thrill those boys have had in forever with the length of their tours."
"Not if they didn't want to answer to Rex I wouldn't!"
"There's no harm in looking," Barriss piped in. "So long as they don't touch."
Laughter and agreement echoed through the room as the vid zoomed out and the first image replaced it; Cody leaning on the standard issue shovel while looking at the camera man disapprovingly. The other, quieter of the two younger voices sighed. "He's just... perfection."
"Isn't he though?"
"Mmm," dreamily, Barriss stared at the screen. "Look at all those rippling pectorals. And triceps. Biceps.... abdominals..."
"They're better when the picture's moving," teased Cass. "And I see Baffle in the background on his other side; I don't see Edge though..."
The vid resumed playing and, to the ladies' amusement, Baffle suddenly took a shovel full of mud on the back. There was a yelp and then he turned, swinging at someone out of frame as Cody frowned at the vid and then turned, lifting one arm to slam the shovel into the ground before nodding to the vid. "Excuse me, General."
"Of course, Cody," Anakin's discombobulated voice agreed.
The camera panned around to show various clone units intermingled together and working at the trench building. Mud was being slung, bronzed muscles rippling in the fading sunlight and the women were calling out the names of the clones they recognized or knew far more intimately.
"There's Echo and Fives!"
"Whisky!"
"Boil!
"What're they doing to-
"Crest!"
Stonewall's command arced through the air like blaster fire as the vid swung to the left to show the Captain dripping mud from the top of his chest, the lines of dirty water sliding down over his chest and towards his fatigues. Whisky flashed a smile and Boil grinned as they ducked away, Crest throwing another handful at the retreating Intel officer and Captain of the other squad.
"Sorry, Cap; he started it!"
Another volley of mud came Stonewalls' way.
Milo, who was nearby on the edge of trench, bumped into Weave trying to escape it, who knocked into a mudslinging Trax, whose shovel slammed into Crest's back mud first and took the foursome to the ground. Stonewall, as they struggled to get up, deliberately dropped a shovel full of the black stuff on the lot of them, to which Crest grabbed his commanding officer by the ankle, missed, grabbed his fatigues as he tugged and pulled them straight off with an audible ripping sound.
"Whoops!"
Stonewall stared down into the trench with a look of utter disbelief, naked as the day he'd emerged from his maturation chamber. Hanging out for all to see, Stonewall was almost full front to the camera from having dropped the mud on his men.
Kali let out a whistle of appreciation, her words smug. "That's all mine, girls; eat your hearts out."
Crest tossed the fatigues aside and reached for Stonewall's ankle again, this time succeeding, and pulled his commanding office down. His appendages flew, flapping in a very undignified manner at the impact as he was dropped into the slick trench and out of view.
"CREST!"
Kali turned to Kura with a grin. "We need to get our boys together more often."
"Why?" The Zeltronian doctor laughed, a sparkle in her eyes. "So mine can get yours dirty so you can clean them off?"
"I was thinking they could return the favor too." Kalinda smirked. "But maybe with something a little more edible than mud...?"
A murmur of agreement swept through the room as the camera panned away to show several other clones had succumbed to the mud fighting option.
Fives, distinguished by the fact he still wore his kama over his fatigues, had handfuls of the black muck and was using both hands to slap it across Echo's back as he was in the process of lifting a full shovel. Said full shovel was accompanied by a yelp - the mud seemed to be cold - and thrown backwards onto Fives' head. Overbalanced both men hit the ground.
"Mmm; Fives and Echo sandwich."
"Wouldn't it be better with you in the middle, Sheresh?"
"You'd think so, Cass, but I'm content to watch if they want to play without me for a while." A wicked grin crossed Sheresh's lips as the boys rolled around on the ground. "But only if they include me," she slanted a glance at Behri and Suisen, "us later."
"I prefer half a sandwich," Behri admitted.
"Me too," Suisen agreed. "But an Echo sandwich sounds interesting."
"Or a Fives sandwich; but I think he'd enjoy that a little too much."
"Afraid you're not enough for the man, Behri?" Sheresh grinned. "Don't worry; he's adaptable. Even if you weren't, you'd never know."
Behri made a face. "A challenge?"
"If you think the man can handle us both."
"That man can handle anything thrown at him," Behri returned wryly. "I'm game if you are."
"Don't you think Fives would have something to say about that?"
Behri and Sheresh exchanged looked and burst out laughing. "No!" they echoed in tandem to Suisen's question.
"Unless it was something about suffering," Ahsoka teased. "You know; how long he's suffered in silence with the fantasy?"
"Too bad we can't offer them encouragement," Sheresh lamented. "It wouldn't take much..."
"A shame it's a vid then?"
There was a general murmur of agreement, most of the women expressing a wish to jump straight in with the men to enjoy the fun.
On screen, another group of clones, distinguished by a clone with a stern expression and no-nonsense visage, his body riddled with a fine mess of scars from various wounds who had his hands on his hips as he stared down into the deepest trench on the field. "We will not join in the-"
SPLAT!
A large gob of mud slammed into his face mid instruction followed by a snicker from the trench as he reached up deliberately to wipe it away.
"You need to lighten up, Riposte," Jesse teased as he popped his head out of the hole. "Have some fun on occasion."
"He really does," Cass agreed with a sigh.
Riposte stared at Jesse, mud dripping down from his head to his shoulders and down over the chiseled muscles of his chest to follow the lines of the scars before he knelt next to his brother. Staring at him hard before, to everyone's surprise - and Cass let out a delightedly surprised squeal - he deliberately reached down and slapped a mud pie into Jesse's face.
Jesse, too shocked at the retaliation did nothing but stare at his brother for a long moment.
Laughter ensued as Riposte disappeared much like Stonewall had, but with his dignity intact. Immediately after, Edge - distinguished by his white hair and light eyes - shot out of the trench with Jir and Travis hot on his heels, both covered in mud. They slid down the side of the trench, shovels being used to control their slide. Mud kicked up, coating them further and splattering the still white top of Edge's head with speckles of dark liquid.
"A Trav; it's a good look for you."
"Edge too."
"It's a good look for all of them," agreed Nadeh approvingly. "Looks like engine grease."
"Only a mechanic thinks engine grease is sexy," teased Kura.
"Hey! Rex says I look best in my black and whites!"
"Black and whites?"
Ahsoka nodded to Aala. "Covered in engine grease and... uh..." her montrals darkened. "I shouldn't say this to you; you're with Master Kenobi!"
"Rex and you aren't exactly a big secret, kid," Nadeh informed her dryly. "You might call it the worst kept secret in the GAR."
"What, that Rex gives her a hand while she's working on the flight deck?" Barriss teased.
"Or that Rex is always on hand when she's injured to make her feel better?"
Ahsoka's montals darkened further with Kali's innocent interjection.
"Or the way he's-"
"Enough," Ahsoka held up her hands. "I give I give!"
"Do you? Or does Rex give it to you?"
Ahsoka groaned. "Sheresh..."
"Enough teasing the youngsters!" Karyn's voice sounded from the back. "Down in front; I want more half-naked clones!"
Ahsoka was let off the hook as the vid was resumed. Trav, Edge and Jir reached the bottom of the mound as Anakin's vid work zoomed out. An epic mud battle had broken out, with everyone coated in the black liquid.
"Shouldn't the army have more discipline?"
"Shh!"
"That's enough!" Obi-Wan strode into the center of the frame, his arms held out, the command holding an evident Force suggestion within it. "Stop this immediately! "
"I love a man who takes charge."
"You'd love him if he joined in not, Aala," Cass teased. "Admit it; you're gone on the man."
Aala didn't deny it. "What can I say? He looks good no matter what he's in - or out of."
"Shh!"
There was a cacophony of sound, mostly mud hitting bodies or bodies hitting the ground, the clones so coated it was near impossible to tell one from the other - except for those who knew them best. The odd exposed flank made camera to the delight of the women, with one dark backside hitting the screen for half a second -
"Jir! I'd know those cheeks anywhere!"
- as the clone in question was pulled head first into a trench. The vid zoomed in on Obi-Wan just as mud balls arced in from all side, splattering the General and his lighter, but no less muscular, skin with black muck.
"Oh my!"
Sputtering, Obi-Wan lifted both hands to his face, wiping the muck off as it caught in his beard and stained his hair black.
"I never thought I'd say this, but Obi-Wan would look good as a clone."
"I did not ask to partake; cease this immediately!" Another round of mud balls came flying his way and Obi-Wan, to the surprise of everyone watching, lifted his hands and sent the balls back along their trajectories.
"Did he just-"
"Isn't that against the rules?"
"You're one to talk about rules."
"Shh!"
Clones took mud balls in the face before one industrious clone -
"Whisky!"
- slithered forward and grabbed the good General by the ankles, yanking him down as another brother lunged in. Obi-Wan struggled under the assault, getting as muddy and slick as the clones, slipping free as Anakin's laughter rang through the speakers.
"Anakin; turn that blasted thing off."
The vid went dead as a mud ball came flying towards it and the ladies burst out laughing.
“Who’s idea was this?”
“Padmé asked Anakin,” chimed in Padmé's sister Aala helpfully. "I think she sold it as a morale booster for the women who'd lost heart in the war effort or some such thing."
"Sounds like something Skyguy would cave to."
"I vote for mud covered Obi-Wan being taken down by Whiskey as the Primary GAR Spring image," Mari piped up unexpectedly. "There's just something about that combination that does it for me."
"Wouldn't you much rather have them doing you?"
"Mmm... yes," Mari purred in response to Nadeh's dry tease. "They can do me any time; singles, in pairs - any way they want.."
"As I was saying - we're just the lucky beta test," Aala shot Ahsoka, Nadeh and Mari a look as she finished what she was saying. "The finished version is supposed to be classy and... inspirational."
"I don't know about you, but I'm inspired," returned the Togrutan cheekily as she pushed to her feet. "I have this urge to play in the mud, wanna join me Barriss?"
"Should we tape it and send it to the guys?" Barriss's question was innocently asked even as she let Ahsoka help her up. Several other women joined in and Suisen found a vid recorder as they headed outside.
"I'll record," Suisen informed the others as Ahsoka found a hose and they began to strip down. "They aren't going to know what hit them!"
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The Official GAR Calendar