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The Ed Who Played with Fire	By : Aspergirl Category: +1 through F > Ed, Edd, and Eddy Views: 3989 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Ed, Edd, & Eddy. No money or profit was made from this fiction.

Chapter List
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By the light of the lava lamp, three Eds sat slurping root beer and being glad that it was Friday. Especially Eddy, who saw school as just an obstacle on his path to manhood. Eddy thumped his chest and washed down a handful of pork rinds with a swig of root beer. “Nobody put any hair on his chest learning a tangent about a... uh... hypotony. Yep. But I think those cheerleader babes were checkin' out these angles!” Eddy flexed and leaned forward to make sure his two pals got an eyeful of his six or seven chest hairs.

Double D only sighed, but Ed was fascinated. “Wow! Girls go crazy over werewolves these days! Lucky dickens,” gushed Ed, looking longingly down at his hairless chest.

“I thought about doodling some extra ones, but I don't want to shock the chicks with my maturity.”

That was too much for Double D. “Maturity? Please. A few hairs on one's chest a man does not make, Eddy.”

“And this is coming from a guy in a yellow sleeper,” Eddy whispered to Ed, pointing at Double D's pyjamas and trying to hold in his laughter.

Double D ignored this, already engulfed in thoughts of geometry. From his overnight bag, Double D produced his textbook. “The world of sines, cosines, and tangents is ripe for discovery! Knowledge is a necessary stop on the path to maturity.”

“Whatever you say goes in one ear and out my nose, Double D,” said Ed with a smile and a thumbs-up. He was happy to be anywhere that was void of broccoli and anger.

Eddy reclined and put on a Pink Floyd record. “Yeah, whatever you say.” Reaching under his bed, he pulled out a glossy, unopened magazine. “I got the latest issue of the...”

Ed shouted with excitement. “Oh! Oh! Is it the latest Chicks Galore? It comes with a poster of a bunch of little chicks eating seeds.” Leaning across Double D for a better view of the magazine, Ed tried to see the cover.

“No, Skunk-Pits.” Taking another look at the cover himself, Eddy added, “Though it comes with a poster of chicks eating seeds, too,” he said, with a salacious grin.

Double D gasped, “Oh my!” and covered his mouth. Although taken aback, a small part of him felt compelled to get a look. Not that he would say so to Eddy.

Ed let his tongue hang out. “Oh, goody!” Even though he had taped the Chicks Galore poster in a place of honour in his room, being able to see it at Eddy's house was a treat. Looking across Double D and at the poster, Ed was confused. He couldn't see any chicks, just girls without any clothes on. Ed saw girls all the time in the cul-de-sac, but the girls in the magazine made him feel different. Good, but he could not understand the connection between girls minus clothing and that good feeling. “Where are the chicks? I don't see any.”

Double D prepared to provide Ed with a crash course in figurative language, but Eddy jumped in. “That's because it's a picture of swallows.” Double D caught a glimpse of the poster, and suddenly his yellow sleeper felt very warm for him, and very tight. Double D wrapped his arms around his knees to hide his arousal.

“Hmmmm,” said Ed, taking in the information. “Swallows are real pretty."

“You got that right, Ed! It's the latest issue of Jiggy Jiggy! Available only to VIP members.”

Double D raised an eyebrow. “And how, may I ask, did you acquire access to such an 'elite' brotherhood? I believe such a thing typically requires validation that you are of age.”

“Pffff,” said Eddy. “When you're as manly as I am, people can smell it a mile away!”

Double D whispered to Ed, “It sounds as though Eddy is confusing bromhidrosis and inexpensive cologne with manliness.” Ed giggled. He enjoyed being the interceptor of Eddy and Double D's playful joking. Delighted as he was to be friends with both Eddy and Double D, he wished that he could be friends with them the way they seemed to be with each other. The smiles were different. Better.

Maybe it was because he wasn't enough of a man yet. He didn't have any hair on his chest, and he was still held a couple of years back from geometry. Ed thought deeply about how he could show Eddy and Double D that he too was a man. He raised his arm and took a whiff of his one-time white undershirt. “Smell me, for I am a man.”

Everything in the room began to yellow and curl, including Eddy's precious new edition of Jiggy Jiggy. The colour drained out of Double D's face. With a hand over his mouth, Double D ran out of the room as fast as he could.

Covering his nose, Eddy tried to force Ed's arm down. “Hey, hey, shut it down, Lumpy!” Ed complied, and returned to the bowl of pork rinds.

“P.U.!” said Eddy. “Ed will be as macho as I am when he sprouts some fuzz,” he laughed, pointing at Ed's chest and waiting for Double D to agree. “Double D?” Eddy looked for Double D, but he had disappeared. Seconds later, the reason for his speedy departure could be heard loud and clear, as Double D knelt over Eddy's toilet, taking care not to make physical contact with anything.

Ed nudged Eddy. “I saw a movie like this once. A man, horribly mutated by toxic waste fumes, was able to turn the townspeople into his mutant army with one blast of his stench. The mutation began with the victim blowing chunks and...”

Eddy covered his ears. “Shut up, Ed! I'm turning into a zombie listening to that.”

“Cool! At the end of the movie, the day was saved by a tribe of zombies who...”

Tuning out Ed's movie review, Eddy waited for Double D to return. If geometry is the manliest skill he's got, he's not gonna get too far with the ladies. He was sympathetic to Double D's response to Ed's strong smell. While waiting for Double D, Eddy took another gulp of root beer, burped, and opened up the VIP magazine while Ed struck manly poses in front of the mirror. These largely consisted of Ed flexing his monobrow.

Double D returned, still looking somewhat queasy, but ever polite. “Ed,” he said, sitting down next to the lovable oaf, “Do try to keep your masculine musk under control for the sake of our olfactory receptors, please.”

“Okey dokey, Artichokey!” Ed replied without offense.

“Check it out, boys,” said Eddy, holding up the centrefold for his friends to see. Double D went instantly scarlet and pulled his hat down over his eyes. He peeked with one eye, then hid his face again.

Ed stared and sipped his root beer. Then he wanted to put his hands in his lap, but there wasn't room. The picture gave his belly that wiggly, crawly feeling that it got when Nazz talked to him. Only this was much stronger. And a bit lower. Pointing, he asked, “What's that, Eddy?”

Eddy looked at the picture, and back at his pals. Ed waited with anticipation to hear what the response would be, while Double D waited to hear how Eddy would come up with a response at all. Now that the comprehensive centrefold was removed from Double D's line of vision, he was content to watch Eddy, who wiped his forehead.

“Well, Ed, uh, it's some kind of a... maybe the... um... hey, if we wanted to think, we'd read the articles. Just look and you'll figure it out.” Ed leaned forward and Eddy handed him the magazine and a set of tongs to turn the pages. “Don't get anything on that magazine. I have to give it back in prime condition.” Ed took the matter seriously, nodded, and disappeared under the bed.

Eddy's comment caught Double D's attention. “I knew that you did not acquire this compendium of carnality unassisted! Where did it come from?”

Eddy had been laughing at Ed, who was trying to figure out the picture as Eddy had promised. He turned the magazine this way and that. He was no closer to making sense of the picture, but the wiggly crawly feeling seemed to be traveling through his body.

“Well?” Double D demanded, becoming increasingly suspicious.

Eddy sprawled across his bed. “Why? You plannin' to start your own secret stash? Might loosen you up a little.”

“I beg your pardon?” Double D's voice was rising.

“I've seen your bathroom. You can't jerk off in there; it's too neat. And I've seen your little sticky note on the wall.” Double D looked uncomfortable, but Eddy continued. “You know, 'Don't touch yourself,'” Eddy said, laughing at the idea of receiving such a parental instruction.

“Need I remind you that those notes are personal?” gasped Double D. Regaining his composure, he added, “You're evading my inquiry.” He sat next to Eddy and waited.

“Fine. You really wanna know?” blared Eddy. “I got it from my brother. Satisfied?”

Double D turned pale, and looked as though he might be sick again. He spoke softly, not wanting anyone to hear. Not even Ed. “But Eddy, I thought that after our recent rendezvous with your savage sibling that you would absolve yourself of him. Surely he wanted something in return for lending you his personal... material.”

“Nah,” said Eddy. “He's a jerk, but he's cool sometimes. I just gave him a spare house key so he can get anything he needs in his old room.” Eddy leaned down the edge of the bed to turn over the record.

Immediately, Double D flopped onto his back and placed his feet on the headboard of Eddy's bed. “Circulate, circulate,” Double D said to himself, seeking to alleviate his increasing light-headedness. Then to Eddy he sputtered, “Have you gone mad? How can you sleep knowing that at any moment your brother could appear on your doorstep?”

“Easy. He doesn't want any of the stuff in his room, or he would have come back to get it by now. Plus, the guy lives in a trailer. Where's he gonna put a life size stuffed camel?”

“I suppose you're right,” said Double D, sitting up and feeling surprisingly reassured by Eddy's words.

“We got nothin' to worry about, Sockhead,” Eddy said, giving Double D a pat on the back. “He's got a driver's license and a credit card, which means we have a sweet hook-up. It also means we get...” Eddy reached under his pillow and produced three mega jawbreakers. “These!”

Double D's eyes lit up. “Could this be true?” he squealed as Eddy handed him a delicious jawbreaker. Double D licked the jawbreaker and savoured it. “Mmmm. Perhaps your brother has reformed, turned over a new leaf!” said Double D.

Watching Double D passionately licking the jawbreaker, Eddy had trouble averting his eyes. “You bet,” said Eddy, inhaling a jawbreaker. “Hey, Ed. Heads up, I got a jawbreaker for ya!” When no response came, Eddy was confused. Ed could locate food in his sleep. He would have to respond to a jawbreaker when he was awake. “Ed?”

Ed's face appeared over the edge of the bed. “Uh... hi, Eddy,” said Ed. His voice sounded strange and his demeanour was strange... for Ed, that is. When Ed laid eyes on the jawbreaker, the old Ed came right back. “Jawbreaker! Give to Ed!”

“Here ya go, Slugger,” said Eddy, tossing the jawbreaker into the air. Like a trained dolphin, Ed leapt up to catch the jawbreaker and disappeared back under the bed.

Moments later, Ed returned with one cheek puffed up to store the jawbreaker. “Oh yeah. I didn't get anything on your magazine, just like you said, Eddy! But it got on...”

“Don't need the details,” Eddy said, emphatically. He was more than happy to guide Ed on the road to manhood, but there were some milestones that were not for sharing. Ed having a boner was one of them. It was bad enough coming to terms with the chicken bones in Ed's bed.

Ed yawned wide enough for Eddy and Double D to see the jawbreaker as well as his tonsils. He then gave his friends a sleepy smile.

“I am feeling quite drowsy as well,” said Double D, who had caught Ed's yawn.

The yawn spread to Eddy. “Yeah, I'm beat. G'night.” Eddy snapped on his hair net and burrowed into his covers. Ed had simply flopped backwards with his jawbreaker still in his open mouth. Double D enjoyed his jawbreaker a few minutes longer, then carefully removed it and placed it in a plastic bag for later. He measured the jawbreaker and placed a sticky note reading “0.83 Jawbreaker” on the plastic bag. After brushing his teeth, he returned to Eddy's room, crawled into his sleeping bag and turned off the lava lamp. As he dozed off in the dark, he thought, Perhaps I judged Eddy's brother too harshly. He may not be such a bad fellow after all. I would not condone the furnishing of one's younger sibling with scandalous reading material, but anyone who, out of the goodness of his heart, provides others with fine delicacies deserves another chance. With that, Double D licked his lips again, thinking about finishing off the jawbreaker the following day, and he soon fell asleep.

Except for Ed's snoring, the house was quiet. All that could be heard in the cul-de-sac was the rustle of dry leaves in the night air. Until the rumble of an engine became audible and a car pulled up and parked on the side of the street. A figure emerged from the car and unlocked Eddy's front door.
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The Ed Who Played with Fire