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4 Insults Cartman got Wrong	By : Candlejack Category: +S through Z > South Park > Slash - Male/Male Views: 4508 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: South Park and its characters do not belong to me, making no money from these writings

Chapter List
- 1-4 Insults Cartman got Wrong
- 1
Title: 4 Insults Cartman got Wrong (by Getting them Right)
Author: BRB_rope
Summary: see title.
Word Count: 4,220
Rating: Mature
Pairing: Stan/Kyle, Kyle/Stan
Warnings: Porn.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. Not mine, no profit, just borrowing from Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central
Authors Note: Unbeta’d because I’m pretty certain any of my beta would kill me for asking them to read this fandom. Corrections are welcome.

Insult #1: Fag

Kenny had a foreskin. It followed his hand, sliding up over the slick head of his erect penis, then back down, exposing it again like an x-rated version of peek-a-boo.

He couldn't see Cartman's, not that he really cared if he did or not. But the huge rolls of fat practically rendered his dick invisible, the head barely visible through the movements of his clenched fist.

Not that Stan was looking at him. No, his gaze was firmly riveted across from him, focusing on Kyle, with his head tossed back, cheeks flushed, white teeth just barely pressing into the pink flesh of his lower lip. There were going marks there later.

Kyle's hat had been knocked partially askew, bright ginger strands sticking to his forehead from sweat. He had his eyes closed, caught completely up in the moment, the feeling and didn't see Stan watching him.

Didn't see Cartman watching him. The fatass was staring at Stan's best friend like the Jew was a tender prime rib steak at an all you can eat buffet, like he wanted nothing more than to gobble Kyle up, spit him out and do it again.

Which is probably why Cartman had suggested this circle jerk to begin with. Jackass.

Stan felt a surge of anger rush through him and he gripped his erection hard enough to be painful. But it was a good type of hurt, a rough kind of pleasure-pain.

Kyle let out a little moan, his breath hitching slightly and Stan forgot all about Cartman. Kyle started twitching slightly, getting more pronounced as he grew more vocal, approaching his climax. Stan sped up the motions of his own hand, matching the sounds his best friend made. He gritted his teeth, feeling his balls rise up with his own approaching climax.

The red-head made a startled gasp, ropes of milky white semen shooting out between his fingers at he tried to contain it. Stan followed a second later, shocked by the abruptness of his own climax, staring helplessly at his friend's face, twisted in intense pleasure.

Lassitude filled him as he slumped backwards, dick hanging out of his pants. He probably should have been staring at the skin-flick playing on Cartman's TV instead of Kyle as he jerked off, but he couldn't find it in him to be disgusted at himself. He and Kyle had shared pretty much everything since Kindergarten straight on through their current year in High School.

Kyle lifted his head, looking at Stan with bright green eyes under red lashes, a small, almost shy smile on his face. Stan smiled back and Kyle dropped his head back, closing his eyes and basking in the afterglow.

Cartman made little grunting noises. "Yes! Oh, Yes! Take it!" He shouted just before he came as well, twisting his hand to the side so some of his wad landed on Kyle's pants leg, near his knee. "Take it, Bitch!"

Red hot rage filled Stan. No one had the right to mark Kyle like that, especially not the son of a bitch Cartman. He was about to make an issue of it when a box hit him in the head.

"What?" He stared dumbly at the tissue box that landed in his lap. From his left, Kenny made a muffled commented and an accompanying rude gesture, telling him to clean himself up. "Oh. Yeah." Stan pulled the tissues out of the box and wiped himself down, belatedly grateful that he'd mostly come on his hand and not his jeans.

Instead of passing the tissues to Cartman on his right, he tossed the box at Kyle, spinning it just right so that the side with the tissues sticking out landed on the mess Cartman had left on his leg. Kyle made a face as he cleaned that mess up first, before discarding those tissues to the side to fastidiously clean his penis and hands.

Kyle really was a natural red-head, the curly mass of hair he was wiping slightly darker than the hair on the top of his head. Not that Stan was noticing or anything.

"Hey, what about me?" Cartman demanded.

"Wait your turn, jerk-wad." Stan shot back, the insult automatic on his lips. Kenny snorted as he straightened his clothing and Stan belatedly remembered to stop staring at his best friend do the same, tucking himself back in, pulling up his underwear and fastening his jeans. When he looked up again, Kyle was doing the same. Kyle glanced up at him from under his eyelashes again, his cheeks still stained pink.

Kenny stretched, hitting both Stan and Kyle as he made a muffled comment about it being time to leave. Stan took it as his cue to go as well, both he and Kyle scrambling to their feet as Cartman complained at them, dabbing at his exposed dick, pants still around his thighs.

"Later, fat-ass!" Stan waved as they walked out the door, leaving Cartman alone with the sounds of faked moans and the slap of skin on skin coming from his television.

He and Kyle shared an amused look between them as they waved goodbye to Cartman's mom and out into the crisp Colorado air. They shivered slightly, wrapping scarves around their necks and sticking hands into pockets as they headed home. Kyle still had that cute blush high on his cheeks, head ducked down as if embarrassed. Stan smiled to himself and nudged his best friend with his shoulder.

Kyle stumbled a few steps, turning to give Stan a dirty look. Stan grinned back innocently and Kyle narrowed his eyes at him. Kyle almost started whistling when Kyle bumped his shoulder, sending him off the sidewalk and into some particularly slushy snow.

Stan shot a glare at Kyle, who had a 'Who, Me?' expression on his face. To which there was only one recourse of action. Stan waited until they were right next to a nice high snow drift and pushed Kyle into it.

He wasn't expecting Kyle to grab his shoulder and pull him down along into it, shoving a handful of snow into Stan's face. Stan howled at the cold shock of it, grabbing a his own handful of snow and rubbing it in Kyle's face. They play-wrestled, trying to shove snow down each other's clothing as they did so. Stan made sure to rub a large handful of snow against where Cartman had come on Kyle, wiping away the taint of Cartman's jizz.

He may or may not have slid his hand up Kyle's thigh as he did so. But really, he was doing Kyle a favour. The last thing they needed was trying to explain spooge on the outside of his clothes to his over protective Jewish mother.

"Gawd." Kenny's muffled voice cut through their mock fight. "I could go for a fag right now."

Both he and Kyle froze, staring up at Kenny. Kenny stared guilessly back. "It's tradition, ain't it?" Kenny made a motion with his hand, as if he were holding a cigarette. "Smoke after sex?"

Insult #2: Gay

Stan stared down at wide green eyes, forgetting how to breathe for a second. Kyle stared back up at him, looking at shocked and surprised as Stan felt. Or it could have been the wind knocked out of him, Stan's heavier bulk having landed on him.

They'd been teasing each other, blowing off steam while taking a break from homework when Kyle had hit the corner of his desk wrong and started to fall, Stan's sports reflexes automatically reaching out to catch him. Unfortunately, they still had their homework supplies spread out on the floor and his foot slipped on either a pencil or a pen, sending him forwards and on top of Kyle.

The impact had stunned him a bit, but not quite as much as realising that he had Kyle's body pressed beneath him from chest to knee, his arms on either side of Kyle's head.

"Um." Kyle said awkwardly, a bit of pink creeping across his cheeks as he ducked his head slightly, looking at Stan's neck instead his face. "Thanks, dude." It was only slightly sarcastic.

"No problem." Stan said, his voice lower and kind of huskier than usual. His eyes flickered around Kyle's face, noticing the splattering of freckles from this close, the slightly fuller lower lip, the copper halo of hair from the green hat being knocked away. He was close enough to smell the cola they'd been drinking earlier on Kyle's breath, the acidic male scent that was uniquely Kyle. He could feel himself getting hard.

Kyle swallowed then nodded in response, green eyes looking up at Stan's again. He really should move before this got awkward. "Hold on." He said, shifting his arms so he could lift his weight off of Kyle. This caused his weight to shift backwards, belly rubbing against Kyle's crotch and they both gasped.

Kyle was pitching a tent in his pants. So was Stan.

"Oh." Was all Kyle said, staring over Stan's shoulder in mortification, the pink blush intensifying on his cheeks, obscuring some of the freckles.

Stan shivered, feeling himself harden to the point he thought his pants were going to burst, breaking the zipper. He shifted his weight again, rocking against his best friend, rubbing his erection against Kyle's thigh. Kyle gasped, eyes snapping to stare at Stan's.

"This okay?" He asked, thrusting his hips again. He and Kyle were usually on the same page, of the same brain, but he wanted to know that this was acceptable to Kyle too, that he wasn't just molesting his best friend.

"Yeah." Kyle agreed, wrapping his arms around Stan's back, jerking his hips upwards. Stan watched as his dark irises seemed to grow, drowning the vibrant green in inky black, feeling the redhead's erection grow harder against him. Kyle spread his legs wider, Stan sliding down to nestle at the junction of hip and thigh, hard cock next to hard cock.

"Fuck." Kyle's lips formed the word like it was a holy mantra, eyes drifting shut. Stan stared, drinking the sight of his best friend, face flush with passion. Then Kyle up against him, all rough friction and Stan groaned, forgetting all about staring. He jerked his hips forward, Kyle rising up against him. They awkwardly moved against each other before they found a shuddering rhythm, the rough slide of denim against denim.

It was good, fast, and hot as they ground against each other on the floor, mouths hovering right over each other, breathing the same air without touching. Lips touching meant kissing, and kissing a dude would be gay. Kyle groaned, wrapping his legs around Stan, crossing his ankles to lock his legs together, heels pressing against the small of Stan's back. at the small spread his legs wider, Kyle pressing harder against him. Kyle moaned, burying his head against Stan's neck, moist breath making his skin tingle.

"Oh god." Stan jabbered, at the change of angle, pressure against the base of his dick, just teasing his sensitive balls. He wasn't going to last like this. Kyle made a low growling sound, biting down on the exposed skin where neck met shoulder, making Stan howl.

The noise seemed to unleash something inside the redhead, Kyle mercilessly rutting against Stan like he was possessed. Not that Stan really cared as he clung to his best friend, coming hard in his jeans, the rest of the world fading away.

When his brain caught up to his spent balls, he realised that he was still on top of Kyle, clutching at him like a lifeline. Kyle was breathing fast, breath blowing past his ear, which he was pretty sure that it meant that Kyle had come too. Which was good, because it meant he wasn't a complete loser in the sack.

He kind of expected himself to freak out now, despite the post orgasmic lassitude and wanting to take a nap. He'd just had sex with his best friend. His male best friend. He was pretty sure that matched the definition of 'gay'.

Except it was Kyle. And maybe he wouldn't mind being a little bit gay if it meant that he got to do that again with Kyle. Because Kyle was his Best Friend for Life and he couldn't see anyone, not even girls, getting in between them. So they might as well have fun along the way.

As long as Kyle wanted it too.

"You okay dude?" He questioned as Kyle's breathing evened out. Because if Kyle wasn't, Stan was completely and totally prepared to freak out.

"Yeah." Kyle finally said after a heart stopping moment, his voice thick with exhaustion. "Except you're crushing me dude."

"Oops." Except he didn't really want to let go. He rolled off to the side, their legs still tangled together, one arm still casually draped over Kyle's chest. "Sorry." Except for the textbook and pencils poking his back and side, he could kind of fall asleep like this.

"Thanks." Kyle said. His eyes were closed like it was too much of a bother to open them, but there was a small relaxed smile on his face. He looked kinda mussed, but very pleased and mellow. It was a good look on him, different from his usual slightly nervous energy.

"Next time-" Stan broached carefully. "-Maybe without the jeans?"

Kyle laughed. "Yeah." He agreed, turning his head to smile at Stan, evil plans for the future already swirling around behind his eyes. "It's a good thing we have clothes at each other's houses, huh?"

Stan grinned back.

Insult #3: Pillow Biter

"I wanna try something." Kyle said, his hand between Stan's legs, cupping his erection through is jeans, the skin-flick playing quietly on the computer in front of them.

The statement took a moment or two to sink in through Stan's sex infused brain. "Huh?"

"I wanna try something." Kyle repeated, removing his hand and standing up. Stan watched him in confusion, wondering what the redhead had planned. "So we can both watch the porno."

They were in Kyle's bedroom, Ike downstairs watching cartoons while Kyle's Mom made dinner. It wasn't easy to find the time and privacy to fool around with each other, and then they usually had to stay really quiet in case someone noticed. Sneaking around was annoying, but it was also added to the thrill of it too.

And Stan was in no hurry to get caught. They'd never live it down if Cartman discovered that they were spanking each other's monkey.

"Okay." He agreed. "What do you want me to do?"

"Climb up on the bed." Kyle instructed, moving the computer monitor so they could both see it from the bed. Stan did so, scooting back so that his back was to the wall. Kyle could sit between his legs and he could jerk Kyle off, that would be cool. He ran his finger down the zipper pressing against his erection as he watched Kyle bend over and pick something up from next to the night stand. Oooooh, yeah.

"Do you trust me?" Kyle asked, holding up a bottle of lotion. They'd used it before on each other to prevent their sensitive parts from being rubbed raw.

"Course, dude." Stan said without hesitation. There was no one in the world he trusted more than Kyle.

"Okay." Kyle nodded, taking a nervous breath and then letting it out. "On your hands and knees then." He said, eyebrows wrinkled slightly in worry, as if he was waiting for Stan to refuse.

Stan just raised his eyebrows and did as he said, leaning forward so he was on his hands and knees. "Okay?"

Kyle climbed up on the bed beside him, putting a hand on his butt. "Move forward a bit." He instructed, nudging Stan towards the end of the bed. Stan crawled forward until his hands were gripping the edge of the mattress.

"Good?" He asked, looking over his shoulder.

The redhead knelt behind him, looking at Stan with an admiring, awestruck look on his face. The bottle was dropped onto the bed next to them as he put his hands on Stan's hips, leaning forward until his covered erection was pressing up against the crack of Stan's denim ass. "Yeah." Kyle breathed, rocking slightly against him. "Do you have any idea how good you look like this?"

Stan fought a shiver, not saying anything. The motion felt good, but the position left him vulnerable in a way he wasn't entirely sure he was comfortable with. Then Kyle released him, fingers trailing along the globes of Stan's butt. "Pants off." Kyle instructed, lifting his own shirt to tug at the snap holding his jeans shut. Stan shifted his weight back on his knees, kneeling so he could undo his pants. He shoved them down his thighs, his bare ass exposed to the air.

"Like this?" He asked, glancing back at Kyle. Kyle also had his pants and underwear shoved down his thighs, his curved erection pointing proudly away from the nest of auburn curls as he squirted lotion on to his hand.

"Yeah." Kyle nodded. "Lean forward again." He instructed, dropping the bottle again and placing his dry hand on the small of Stan's back. Stan did so, grabbing the edge of the mattress in a white knuckled grip.

Kyle draped himself over Stan's back, nuzzling the fabric between Stan's shoulder blades. "Trust me." He said, sending puffs of warm air against the back of Stan's neck, in contrast to the cold lotion that was sliding between his legs. "There's lots we can do that doesn't require penetration."

Stan gave a little laugh. "Been doing your homework?" He asked as Stan's fingers explored the area behind his balls with light exploratory touches.

"Yeah." Kyle said honestly, removing his hand. There was a pause and the sound of liquid sliding on skin, then Kyle's hands were back on Stan's hips, his hot erection sliding between Stan's lotion covered thighs. "Put your knees together." Kyle instructed, draping himself over Stan's back and whispering in his ear.

Stan obeyed, trapping Kyle's dick between his legs. Kyle gasped, teeth scraping Stan's shoulder blade through the material of his shirt. Kyle, Stan had discovered, like to bite. It was a good thing he was used to wearing scarves to cover his neck. "Perfect." Kyle groaned, dick sliding backwards until it was almost completely free, then gliding forward again. "Watch the video." He instructed, nipping the tip of one ear.

"'Do it doggy-style so we can both watch X-files'-?" Stan sang Bloodhound Gang's 'Bad Touch' with a snicker.

"-Ain't nothing but mammals." Kyle agreed, changing the angle of his hips. This time when he thrust forward, the head of the redhead's cock hit the back of Stan's balls. Kyle did it again, with more force and Stan gasped, white sparks of pleasure flooding him.

"What?" He asked as Kyle repeated his motions.

"Welcome to your perineum. Behind which is your prostate." Kyle practically purred, tightening his grip on Stan as he sped up his pace, no longer go slow. He gave the back of Stan's neck a light bite. "This position..." He panted, sliding one hand under Stan's shirt to press his palm against Stan's bellybutton. "-Is known as the 'Princeton rub'."

"Oh." Stan swallowed, trembling slightly as Kyle continued his thrusting, keeping Stan's hips steady.

"Or-" Kyle continued, his voice wavering. "-The 'English Method'. Also a 'College-Fuck'. The Greeks used it too."

"You've been filling out college applications, haven't you?" Stan managed to quip.

"Yeah." Kyle shoved Stan's shirt up to his armpits, mouthing the bare skin of his back. "Never too early to focus on getting a good education."

Stan was almost tempted to ask 'A good education in what?', considering Kyle not only knew this position but several names for it, but his brain and tongue weren't cooperating. Stan gave up trying to stay upright and leaned forward on his elbows. The change in position made it much easier for Kyle to repeatedly hit where he was aiming, Stan's balls swinging at every thrust.

He hadn't realised he was making any noise until Kyle hissed at him. "Quiet!"

"Huh... Oh!"

"Shhh!"

Stan growled. Kyle was pushy in bed. He flailed around, grabbing something and pulling it closer, burying his face in it to muffle the noises coming out his throat as he rocked his hips backwards to meet Kyle's thrusts. Kyle made grunting noises of his own, fingers digging into Stan's hips and belly enough to hurt slightly through the rush and the haze of pleasure.

"Come on." Kyle hissed in his ear, the hand on his belly sliding down to wrap around Stan's prick, jerking it once, twice- "Come."

Stan did, biting the fabric hard to keep from making a sound. Kyle made a few more rocking thrusts, muffling his own groans against the joint of neck and shoulder.

He was going to have permanent bruises there, Stan mused tiredly to himself, if Kyle didn't find a new favourite place to mark him.

They rested like that for a few moments, the soft sounds of the ignored porn still playing. Stan shifted uncomfortably as his best friend's semen started sliding down the inside his thighs. "Um. Dude?"

"Right." Kyle heaved himself up off of Stan, fumbling for the tissue box on the nightstand by the head of the bed. He grabbed a few tissues to wipe himself off with before passing the box to Stan.

"Thanks." Stan sighed, cleaning the mess off his legs and stomach. Man, he got stuck with his creamy load and Kyle's all over him.

Kyle started giggling and Stan shot him a grumpy look. "What?"

His best friend reached over and picked up what Stan had grabbed to muffle his sounds. "My pillow is never going to be the same again." He said mournfully, his eyes sparkling with mischief as he showed the embedded bite marks on the fabric.

"Shut it, fucker." Stan growled, feeling his cheeks heat up. Mentally swearing to throw his best friend into the nearest snow drift should the term 'pillow biter' come up. "Just wait until it's your turn and we'll see who's biting the pillow cause it feels good."

Insult #4: Cocksucker

It was something that Stan was keeping to himself, but he liked cock sucking. Specifically Kyle's cock. Or Kyle's mouth and Stan's cock. He wasn't picky, he liked it either way.

There was something about Kyle's dick though. It wasn't too big, or too small. It had an upwards curve to it that added some character to it. The head was smooth and round, and turned a slightly darker shade of pink than Kyle's cheeks when Stan licked it.

He liked the smell of it too. It smelled like Kyle, and soap, and laundry detergent. And he knew that Kyle's mom made sure that he took a shower daily and wore fresh underwear, so he didn't have to worry about it being stinky and gross. Or worrying about where it'd been because he was with Kyle pretty much all the time.

The sounds Kyle made were good too. The way he bit his lower lip to muffle his groans, leaving indents that Kyle wanted to kiss away, suck on his bottom lip until it was pink and slick. Kyle sounded like Kenny sometimes, muttered swear words and proclamations, with Stan's mangled name appearing frequently. The way it frequently morphed from 'Stan' to 'God' was probably somewhat blasphemous, but he didn't really care.

He liked the way Kyle's hands would find their way under Stan's hat, alternatively stroking and grabbing his black hair. Sometimes the redhead would grab Stan's shoulders, fingers digging into the marks Kyle and left and that was okay too.

The taste of pre-ejaculate wasn't bad, sweet and tangy, but he didn't care much for the taste of cum. But unless he had some tissues handy, he usually swallowed it, hiding the evidence of what they'd been doing.

Kyle did the same for him when he gave Stan a blowjob. Stan liked running his fingers through Kyle's messy red hair, the feel and the texture of it. The feel of his friend's hands on his thighs, the slurping noises he made as he swallowed Stan's dick.

It was becoming increasingly harder to keep a straight face around Cartman whenever the fatass launched into a tirade about one or both of them being cocksuckers. Just the word made his mouth start to water, his pants becoming tight.

He lifted his mouth away from Kyle's cock. "Hey." He looked up at his best friend's flushed face, ignoring the sting as Kyle accidentally pulled some of his hair. "Do you think Cartman calls us cocksuckers all the time because he wishes he had someone to suck his cock, or because he wants to suck our cock?"

Kyle twitched, blinking a few times as his blush faded away and he frowned. "Stan." He said slowly. "You are my very best friend. But if you bring up Cartman in the middle of sex again, we’re never going to have sex again. Ever."

"Got it." No talking about the fat bastard.

He gave Kyle's slightly softer dick an apologetic lick, then got back to the serious business of sucking Kyle's cock.

-fin-
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4 Insults Cartman got Wrong