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Easy as Beer O'clock	By : Spug Category: +S through Z > Squidbillies Views: 1959 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Squidbillies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Easy as Beer O'clock
- 1
Title: Easy as Beer-O'clock
Fandom: Squidbillies
Pairing: Humanized Dan/Early
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: light BDSM, graphic sex, unnatural fluids, tentacles

Dan Halen stared out one of the windows of his iron-spiked office overlooking the county of Dougal and cackled to himself. It was all too easy. Every day he found some new way to manipulate this hick-filled town and the rest of the world out of their welfare checks, often for little more then his own amusement. Frankly, most of the products he shipped off from his factories were ill-thought out and often dangerous. Yet, the people still bought them.
No one had ever accused Dan Halen of being a GOOD business man, merely a successful one.
Still. With all this wealth and power, the tycoon often found himself bored. Painfully so. Closing the blinds, he turned toward his desk and shuffled behind it to find the remote that opened up the monitor screens hidden behind the wall. As he dropped his stout, silk covered form into his chair the monitors flickered to life with all sorts of activity going on in his empire. Brushing his shaggy long red hair out of the way he scrutinized the images moving before him. Most of it was run-of-the-mill. Merchandise being constructed, workers hanging around the water cooler, the occasional slacker mulling around in the bathroom. (oh yes, he had cameras in the utilities too) Nothing that was going to cure his gnawing boredom till he noticed the bottom right monitor and perked an eyebrow.
It was that squid-man. That Early Culyer, his current CEO. (for liabilities only). Early was wobbling down one of the hallways with what looked like a bottle of some sort of alcohol. His green skin was a dull vibrant against the pale yellow walls he constantly found himself leaning against. The Cuyler-boy was a nuisance, a complete idiot not worth his salt – but good to pass blame and maybe even... oh boredom on? Dan Halen smirked and rubbed his fingers together in a deviant manner before hitting a few buttons; husking into the speaker.
"Early! Report to my office at once! No... No. You're going the wrong way. No.. No. That's the utility closet! Oh for heaven's.... just stay..stay right there, I'll send someone to get you."
Dan took a second to run a hand over his face. Even relieving boredom took a little bit of finesse (he reminded himself) as he called for someone to haul Early's drunken green ass into his office as soon as possible.
It was about fifteen minutes before a couple of irritated employees finally appeared at the door of Dan's Office and literally tossed in the bony hick. Early Cuyler wavered half way to the red-headed man's desk before pausing. He tossed back his thin green neck and began to suckle down the last of what was in that bottle right before his employer's eyes. Dan Halen watched him silently for the moment. Oh what a sight the squid-man was!
Early Cuyler was a relatively short man. All tawny-tight and dirty. He wore a blue collar work shirt untucked over a pair of ridiculously tight hole-filled jeans. His work boots were caked with that fine Georgia clay and god knows what else. He had a disgusting wet mouth with sparse teeth and a flat tongue that was currently trying to fuck the neck of the bottle for the last drops of sweet liver-killing shine. From the small of his back twisted four wrist thick tentacles currently more interested in curling around the backs of his thighs then helping the squid-man retain his balance. He was foul; the definition of every ill bred American, he was .... very much relevant to Dan Halen's interests.
"WHOO!" Early tossed the bottle toward his boss and miss – it smashed ceremoniously unnoticed against the far wall.
Dan Halen kept a straight face for now and offered a hand toward one of the chairs near his desk. "Sit Early, if you can manage, that is." It was hard not to crack a smile as he watched the hick wobble over toward the chair. He looked at it sideways as if adding his ass to it was the most complicated math problem in the whole world. Ass+Chair=Sitting? IMPOSSIBLE to calculate!
Somehow, Early barely passed the problem by ended up on the near edge of the seat and sprawling nearly boneless against the back of the chair. From under a trucker hat that read: I spell relief F-A-R-T those beady drunken black eyes wavered toward Halen's face and the squid-man smacked his lips, "Yew wanted t'see meh? This ain't about me not comin' in tomorrah is it? Cause' incase yew haven't heard..Ah ain't comin' in tomorrah. Personal day. Mah Granny died."
"Yes, again. I see. She dies about every four weeks. Am I getting the time line right, Mr. Cuyler?" Dan focused his attention on the moist-sticky sound those tentacles produced as they slithered around the chair rungs.
"Give or take ah four or five days, yes-sir, dyin' like ah hawg runnin' out ah mud on ah blisterin' day. Bacon now."
"How terrible for the old lady, send my condolences," The tycoon murmured and looked down at his own hand for a moment, as if studying the fine details of his nails. He really wasn't interested in any of Early's excuses, wither he really DID come in tomorrow or for a whole week even. All Dan Halen cared about was having enough of an interesting afternoon to sleep well tonight. Considering, a good book could of done the same. But a book wouldn't have soothed his evil tendencies.
"Dayum bitch – refusin' tah die.. gonna have t'push 'er down t'stairs. Kinda hard when yah only 'ave two steps off t'porch. Yew ever shoved ah walker off two steps? T'dayum legs jus' stick in t'mud 'n' t'saggy ass bitch dun wailing t'cows come home 'cause she's missin' 'er stories." Early was near sliding off the chair at this point, head luring around on the top of the seat as he ranted mostly to the ceiling. Dan idly thought it would be easy to snap his neck, that would be one way to shut him up. Of course, while killing his pawn would be entertaining, it would only last a couple of agonizing minutes. No, Dan Halen wanted something a little more worthwhile for his time.
The hick's babbling was waved off and Halen took up a stern pose, swiveling the chair he sat in full forward. He pressed his fingers together before his face and glared past them toward Early in that typical boss/demon like way whenever some rather bad or terrible news was about to be delivered, "Disregarding any of your family trouble, Mr. Cuyler, that's NOT the reason I called you into my office, no – the real summoning was because I couldn't help but notice you've been drinking on the job." Halen waited a second before adding, "Again."
Early lifted his drunk-heavy hatted head and looked across the desk toward Halen, "...ahn?"
"And," Halen continued, narrowing his wide eyes down to slits, "I remember – expressively, extensively, enumeratedly telling you that consuming alcoholic beverages on my time whilst NOT contributing to the GLUG progress was forbidden! Yet, here you are – again – so skunk-drunk you can scarcely hold your head up, man! Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
The squid-man, true to Halen's words, had gone back to resting his head on the back of the chair, sprawling out even more in that tasteless bony way, "S'true.. head's done gone all heavified on meh – feels like t'backside O'mah ex-wife, t'dayum bitch."
"That's not..." Halen cleared his throat, resisting the urge to pinch his temple from the sheer stupidity he faced. Truth be told, he cared little if Early actually drank on the job; if the squid-man was plastered to the point of immobility the less damage he tended to do. It was for mere tidings of something to belittle the hick about that Halen dug into his alcoholic festering like a cat with infected claws. "That's.. not the sort of answer you should give to your employer regarding your behavior, Early. BESIDES!"
The tycoon's mouth became wide as he yelled and then twisted into a smirk, an evil, devilishly smirk that took up his whole face, "... I'm tried of the lecturing. You shall be punished for your constant booze-debauchery. What ever will I do with you, my inebriated inbred little bumpkin? Hook you to a hose, pumping your sickle thin body with the stuff till you explode from the pressure? OR I could lock you away for weeks not allowing you one tiny drop of your precious 'moonshine' till you've gone utterly MAD with thirst for that asinine beverage? OR BETTER YET! I could simply make you FLUSH all the booze in Dougal county down the toilet where it belongs with the rest of the mawkish waste liquids this town produces! Haha! HAHAHAHAHA!" Dan Halen threw back his shaggy adorned head and cackled vilely as loud as he could.
It was the snoring that snapped him from his sinful plotting of the other's fate. He ceased his laughing to find the squid-man's head was now luring off the back of the chair; fast asleep and drooling. Dan Halen frowned deeply before slamming one of his hands down on his desk, "EARLY CUYLER! WAKE UP AND ACKNOWEDGE YOUR MULTIPLE CHOICE DEMISE!"
"Spank meh 'n' call me Sally-Ann!" Early sputtered awake in the the chair; tentacles going into a panic around him.
"...oooooor I could spank you." Halen blinked at the blurted out suggestion, er – drunken hillbilly cry of being rudely awakening, rubbing his chin with one of his hands. "Yes.. yes, how utterly simple yet completely degrading. I love it! What better way to instruct the uneducated filth then to lay the hand of knowledge upon its untrained backside. Ha! Ha!"
"Yew gonna do whut to mah whut?"
"Let me show you!” Halen lurched over his desk and wrapped his hand around the hick's skinny lower leg. With a yank he dragged Early up onto the desk and proceeded to flip him over so that he laid belly down on the fine carved wood. A hand was placed square between the squid-man's scrawny shoulders as Halen leered down over him. He ignored the drunkard's tentacles as they coiled around his arm, trying to move the weight off the hick's back so he could be free. He was far too drunk to free himself, and Halen was well aware of that fact. Dan purred and landed one of his well groomed hands, adorned with rings, on the slight denim covered backside of his employee, making Early snarl. "Spoil the rod, spare the child – beat the drunken heathen I say."
"Yew best unhandify meh 'fore ah kick yo' ass! Ain't no man 'bout tah paddlin' mah behind like some sissy schoolboy! Ah ain't sum kinda queer!"
"Oh Early," Dan tittered and rubbed rudely at the backside of the squid-man's jeans, amused by the hint of flesh and dig of bone he could feel. The jeans were cut low enough that there was a pinch of ass crack visible in this bent over position, "Punishment and domination have nothing to do with sexuality on the receiving end unless you happen to enjoy it. I don't suppose you will enjoy this. I however..." He drew back his arm and slapped hard down on the squid-man's covered ass. The sound of the hit and the undignified yowl Early produced made Halen's insides twist in a pleasurable way, "will be making the most of it. You disgusting. Naughty. Creature." He punctuated each word with another hard slap to the squid-man's backside, loving the way it made those tentacles coil tighter around his holding arm in an effort to stop it.
"Sick sonsabitch!"
"Hahahaha!" Halen did a little laughing tossing of his head between a couple of denim shielded slaps and pushed at the back of Early's shoulder blades to goad him, "If you are so desperate to escape your punishment then flee squid-man! Flee with your tail between your legs. Flee and admit you couldn't take one pitiful little spanking better than a simpering child. And here I thought you were such a tough, brute male."
This worked like a charm. Early sputtered, writhing drunkly on the desk to twist his head toward the tycoon to spit at him, "LIKE HELL AMMA RUN LIKE SUM SISSY BOY! Yew call that un ass whoopin'? Mah granny can dun beat mah ass harder then yew dandy-man!"
"IS THAT A CHALLENGE?" Dan couldn't control the gleeful roar of his words.
"Is Krystal ah fat cow?"
"Quite," Halen grunted. Without warning, he wrapped his fingers into the dirty top belt loop on the back of the hick's pants and began to roughly shake the denim down off Early's emaciated hips. The button holding them up was worn and decrepit. It snapped off and down the faded material went, "then you won't mind if I remove the padding, man." He exposed the bony ass of the hick in all its green glory and hitched the jeans down to Early's inner knees.
With nothing in the way of his thick hand now there was a well resounding slap as his palm came down fast and hard on the bare skin. He felt the smaller man shutter as the sting reverberated through his body, but Early did a fine job swallowing down any noises and cackled out. "Yew beatin' my ass with ah dandilion dandy-man? Dinna even FEEL that!"
"Such a liar," Dan purred as his eyes went wide and pinpointed in venial egomania. "Well then. How about THIS?" The tycoon slapped his hand down even harder, making the green skin there turn a darker shade before bringing the palm back up and swinging it down again with the full strength of his arm. He began to beat the squid-man's ass like a mother would a bastard child who'd sworn in the eyes of the pope! "And this? AND THIS! THIS AND THIS! YOU NAUGHTY DRUNKEN HEATHEN! AND THIS! DO YOU LIKE IT LIKE THAT? HOW IS THE ASS BEATING, MR. CUYLER? HOW DOES YOUR GRANDMOTHER COMPARE NOW?"
By this time, Early was writhing on the desk, eyes screwed tight and bony fingers clenching to the wood of the desk. Tentacles still held tight to the tycoon's arm as the spanking progressed from a mild annoyance to something that caused a painful jerk to surge through his body every time Dan Halen's hand contacted with the meager flesh on his backside. What started out as grunts and growls mutated into groans and the sudden outburst of: "WHOO!"
Dan Halen dug his pedicured nails into the flesh of Early's ass with another slap and the squid-man whooped! "WHOO! Go on! Beat that ass! BEAT IT WITHIN EV'RY INCH O'IT'S LIFE. Teach it t'ah whut never seat again! WHOO! AH'M AH BAD BOY!"
Halen did not give pause in the 'punishment' to this sudden change in his employee's attitude, it only egged him on; delighted at the sheer perversion of the game. With a grunt, Dan dropped back into his plush overload like chair. He yanked Early off the desk and over his lap. The bony body of the squid-man was moist with sweat were clothes didn't cover, the tentacles finding holds on the armrests of Dan's chair as the spanking continued without pause.
"YES! YOU ARE!" Halen mulled out loudly as he leaned over the hick and ferociously beat at Early's ass. "A very bad boy. You won't even SIT on this blistered ass for a WEEK without wincing. You won't take a single sip of your obsessed liquor without thinking about THIS. AND THIS AND THIS!" Dan Halen could feel sweat starting to build on his brow from the workout and his hand was starting to go numb, but he kept on slapping, even shoving a knee between Early's own thin legs to sprawl the limbs apart, getting the squid-man's balls in on the torture as well.
Early responded by jerking in the larger man's lap, his fingernails digging into the clothed covered knee of the tycoon. "AH HELL! MAH JEWELS! WHOO!" The few remaining teeth that were left in his mouth bit down on his bottom lip to stifle the groan. "GO ON BEAT IT! BEAT IT!"
There was a surge of heat into Dan's groin from the noise as it escaped. He hadn't even realized how incredibly horny he'd become over the last few moments. There was a defiant tightness in his silken trousers pressing against the squirming hick's side. He tossed his head back to swallow down his own groan and pounded his hand hard one more time against Early's ass and then stayed it there, curling those heavy ring fingers down between those skinny thighs and well... cupped Early's balls unkindly.
It would take a second for the squid-man to make his usually incubated southern drawl come out of his panting mouth, eyes cracking open as he shifted in the larger man's lap, "Hey now... that's t'family jewels yew's tryin' to pop there. Git yer hand off! Go back to t'whoopin'!"
"Oh these?" Dan answered and squeezed again, enjoying the wiggle he got out of the other. The hick's ass was a much darker shade of green now. Hand prints and the grooves of the rings clearly visible on the skin. There was going to be some serious bruising no doubt – Dan figured his hand would suffer the same fate, but it was worth it. The Cuyler-boys testicles, however, were soft and small, easily rolled between those thick fingers, "No.. No..No.. Early, I've grow bored of that, you've proven you can handle a mere spanking, but I wonder what it would take to break that highly insufferable male-ego of yours, WHAT level do you snap at? I do intend to break you.. oh yes, indubitably." He husked, squeezing harder.
"Yew'r breakin' .....mah nuts," Early answered back, pulling a fist up to swing drunkenly at the tycoon. The scrap to Dan's chin was only mildly annoying. In retaliation the red head wrapped an arm around the squid-man's torso and yanked him into a sitting position upon his lap, making sure the hick was full aware of the bulge in his highly-expensive pants.
"Do you FEEL that, Man?" Dan purred into Early's ear as he reached down to grab a hard handful of the squid-man's cock and fondled. The squid-man was hard as well. The spanking had effected him the same way! "This is ULTIMATE power, to take the unwilling, to press and pound them into something else. Just like I have done to Dougal county, Early – I will fuck you over for my own utter amusement!"
"Uh-uh," Early shook his head and squinted his eyes trying to keep from groaning, "There will be no illegalfingly enterin' O'mah behind, no sir. Ah ain't gay."
"Oh Early," Dan licked the dirty hick's neck with another rumbling purr, "I already own you, I can't break and enter my own property."
"AH KELL YEW!"
"Mmmph... five cases of free GLUG."
"YEW AIN'T BRIBIN' ME LIKE SUM..... five cases?" The squid-man's breath hitched as the tycoon dug his nails into his balls a little harder.
"Five cases, Early. Prepackaged, none hog-latrine GLUG. Blind in four seconds flat. And if you get down on the floor right now and push your inbred little ass into the air without another thought, I'll throw in the exclusive bottle opener/fish descalier for free. Act now, going once...going twice...
"Free bottle opener? Well hell yeah! WHOO!"
Oh how gullible, Dan smirked as he let go of the squid-man and watched him ooze face first onto the floor behind the desk; tawny bruised ass perked up as told. Oh yes, it was too EASY. Dan stood out of his chair, pushed it out of the way and reached for the zipper on his pants to slid it down. The tycoon gave a hard groan as his cock sprung free. "Don't move." He ordered as he retched open the nearby desk drawer and then frowned heavily at the lack of any sort of lotion or lube. Why on EARTH didn't he have any lotion? Anal retentive about his hands and all. "Bah." Well this wasn't going to stop him – he was suppose to be punishing the squid-man after all.
Pushing those expensive pants down a bit more, Dan stepped forward and leaned a bit. He reached down to coil his thick fingers around Early's skinny waist. "This is going to be a rough ride, Mr. Cuyler. Haha. If you feel the need to scream, by all means – indulge me." He dropped a leg between the scrawny hick's legs and nudged those bruise asscheeks and thighs apart.
"It is on, boy!" Early lured out, a bit of drool splattering onto the floor. He was utterly disgusting. Dirty and vile; the small hole between those skinny green cheeks looked tight and moist. Wait...moist? Halen lifted an eyebrow and without warning jammed his thumb into the squid-man's asshole up to the second knuckle.
"SONSABITCH!" Early jerked and Dan got lightheaded as the tight moist flesh clenched around his thumb.
"So manly you're as wet and tight as a New Orleans whore during Mardis Gras at 4 am, after 12 screwdrivers and an equal number of tricks.." Dan muttered mockingly down at Early.
"Runs in t'family, yew sneaky sonsabitch."
Halen grinned as he pulled out his thumb, it was stained black with ink. He only momentarily frowned at it before casting off his dislike of dirt for a greater pleasure. He grabbed the base of his cock and pushed heavily forward, closing his eyes as he sunk none-too-caring to the hilt into the ass of the hick beneath him.
"Oh GODS man, Now THIS is what I'm talking about!" He gave a few deep barely moving grinds of his hips against Early's skinny backside. Early withered on the ground beneath him, biting hard enough on his bottom lip to make it bled. With eyes tight like screws he grunted and dug nails into the floor.
"It.. ain't worth it!"
"TOO LATE!" Dan roared and went about slamming his cock down into the drunken hick. Shaggy red hair was tossed as he thew his head back to laugh good and loud before he broke into a rhythm. It was tight, hot, and strangely wet inside the squid-man. A thick sort of wetness that was unlike how a women felt. There was black ink leaking slowly down his balls and dripping onto the floor. This was profane and nasty. And oh he loved it! He took great enjoyment out of just how deep and slick he could get his cock inside the smaller-man. The strange slick-pop of their fucking was a messy nasty song, but still beautiful to his ears. This was HOW fucking a disgusting inbred backwoods hick SHOULD sound!
He felt the squid-man's tentacles slithering around up his thighs, coiling tight along the flesh there. He could feel their gripping edges digging into his skin and it only made him explore harder, he swiveled his hips, stabbed a few different places and waited for Early to go:
"WHOO!"
"Ah yes. YES.. that's the spot, man? Right THERE!" Another hard jab into the target zone.
"AH! T'HELL was that? WHOO!" Early broke out into throaty groans, "Y-yew find t'fucking magical fag fairy button? Ah – WHOO! Fuck! Ah dun wanna be likin' this!"
"Oh but you do Early," Dan swallowed his own mouthful of spit and concentrated on digging the head of his cock into that one particular spot. "Abandon your pitiful heterosexual morals and just ENJOY IT!" He gave a slap to that abused skinny ass and ground into it harder.
"NGH!" As much as he did not really want too – the hick, if nothing else, was a sucker for what felt good. He drank because it made him feel good. He did meth because it made him feel good. He raised his skinny ass and used his tentacles to pull himself back against the others cock because it ... MADE HIM FEEL AWESOME! And it wasn't long before that drunken loud mouth of his was voicing it as well.
"WHOO! HELL YEAH! RIDE IT! RIDE THAT SONSABITCHIN' ASS! WHOO! FULL EIGHT SECONDS! COWBOY UP!"
"NGH...YES!" Dan Halen let out his own deep groan and felt his balls tightening. He wasn't going to last much longer at this rate. Not with how deprived this act really was, especially now that the squid-man was into it. He'd succeeded. He'd reduced the ego of this dirty little hillbilly to begs and hollers for more. There might of not really been any glory in desensitizing something that's already demoralized. But still --- it had killed his boredom this afternoon, and that's all Dan Halen had wanted in the first place.
"Take it. Take it you filthy little thing! You love it! Every slimy bone in your body aches for what I'm giving you, CAN YOU FEEL IT?"
The squid-man just let out a 'WHOO!' one of his own bony hands had found its way onto his own cock, jerking harder into it. Those tentacles were coiled so tight they were nearly cutting off Dan's circulation, the ends slithering along the tycoon's balls. Dan grunted to the way the hick tightened, feeling him shake upon the floor.
"Are you going to CUM?" Dan laughed loudly as he thrusted as hard as could, eagerly pressing the hick's face into the floor. "WELL ARE YOU, MAN?" He reached down and grabbed Early's free tawny arm, twisting it up around his back and fucked him into the carpet.
"He-" The squid-man's voice caught for only a second, "-eell YEAH! HELL YEAH BAHBEH! WHOO!" He yanked Dan with his tentacles hard enough for the tycoon to wince slightly as Early's bony ass dug into his groin.
Then it happened, the slimy muscles around Halen's dick contracted and tightened painfully. He felt the hick writhe and groan. A finally 'whoo!' being gagged and gargling in his thin throat. With a heavy groan there was a thick wash of hot slime down Halen's thighs and the tycoon lost it.
He threw back his head a finally time and laughed as he came himself. Digging his cock as deep as he could, he held himself there as his stoat body shook and twitched. A loud groan escaped him as he emptied himself into Early's ass and then pushed the dirty creature away from him.
Halen slumped into his chair panting, his large mouth gulping for air. His entire front was covered with ink that was already starting to cool on his hot hot skin. He reached down between pants and rubbed at the thick black stuff, rolling it between his fingers. "Ngh..GOD how delightfully foul, Early – good GOD man!"
Early had not moved from the position Halen had shoved him into. Half bowled over with his ass in the air and his face into the ground. His tentacles laid limp on the ground next to him as his emaciated chest heaved hard. His entire backside was slimy with black ink and leaking fresh cum. One beady black eye finally cracked open and he rolled it toward the tycoon. "Yew...tell...any'un 'n' ahmma...kell yew."
There was the tap of ink covered fingers and Dan Halen chuckled again, "Don't worry, Mr. Cuyler. No one will know you surrendered all that is sacred to your manhood for the sake for a measly five packs of GLUG – GLUG ZERO I MIGHT ADD! HAHAHAHAHA! Half the baby fat and NONE of that taste... and one... bottle opener."
"Aw hell.. bamboozled," Early groaned and dragged his ink covered ass to a standing behind the desk, glaring at Halen as he hitched up his dirty britches, "Gloryfy it up all yew want – that was ah once in ah lifetime deal – Early Cuyler fags fer NO man twice!" He began to wobble toward the door, rubbing at his defiled backside.
"Fair enough," Halen smirked, narrowing his eyes, he turned away from the hick toward the monitors, "It's a shame you'll have to miss out on the new exciting ten pack with limited edition Nascar prints."
"Limited edition?" The hick paused in the doorway.
"Of course."
"Well hell yeah! WHOO! Imma go 'n' git me ah gym membership 'an ah lisp, boy. Amma own me sum prints!"
Halen waited till Early was out the door and down the hall before adding with a cackle, "Women of Nascar limited edition, Hahahahaahahahaha! YOU CHEAP GULIABLE WHORE!"
The tycoon rumbled to himself as he was left to the echo of his own evil delight. Satisfied, and a boring afternoon well passed, he leaned over his intercom and buzzed the front desk.
"Yes, Mr. Halen?"
"Send up some bonbons, Shelia and ..get me the listing of the best carpet/dry/wall/floor cleaner you can find. Ask them what gets out ink. Oh and order me a thousand yards of plastic covering!"
"Yes, Mr. Halen."
God, it was all just too easy.

The End.
- 1
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Easy as Beer O'clock