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The Parasol of Prettiness	By : radatrix Category: +S through Z > Xiaolin Showdown Views: 4766 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xiaolin Showdown, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-The Parasol of Prettiness
- 2-Chapter 2
- 1
- 2
"Okay, here's the deal, losers," Jack snipped at the crew of misfits below him. "I'm going to take this Parasol of Prettiness Shen Gong Wu and there's nothing you can do about it."

Kimiko twirled one of her awkwardly placed locks, which were a deep auburn this week, and shouted back, "Oh yeah? I don't think so!" She jumped off the ground.

"Jack-bots: Attack!" Jack commanded gallantly from his hovering position. One of them hit his right shoulder while passing him, throwing him off balance and tumbling toward the ground. Wuya, who was looking on from the hillside, rolled her eyes. Raimundo, Kimiko, and Omi made quick work of the Jackbots, which seemed to get increasingly pathetic as time went on.

Clay walked over to Jack, who now lay crumpled on the parched earth of the Arizona desert and grabbed the lacey pink Parasol of Pretiness from Jack's twitching hand. "This is easier than taking candy from a two-ton baby walrus during the Icecapades," Clay announced, chuckling to himself.

"Not again!" Jack whimpered. Just then, a giant robotic vulture came swooping out of the sky and snatched the parasol out of Clay's gigantic hand.

"What was that?" Raimundo asked.

"Ha ha!" Jack laughed, picking himself up off the ground. "Another little surprise, losers." The vulture reached down with its metallic claws and picked Jack off the ground. "See you later." Jack said, waving and almost dropping the parisol. The vulture carried Jack back to his lab.

Back at the lab, Jack was very excited. Finally, the parasol of prettiness was all his! He rubbed his hands together and snickered evilly. "I'm really evil today," he said wistfully. "Soon, I'll have all of my enemies right where I want them." He thought for a moment. His mom had just made those really pretty cupcakes he liked, with the star-shaped sprinkles. "No!" he cried sinisterly, smashing his hand down on the table. "The time to act is now!" He picked up the obnoxious umbrella and held up open an aloft. "Parasol of Prettiness!" he cried.

Just then, he heard a crash. He looked at himself, but he didn't look or feel any different. Maybe this was another fake Wu?

"JACK!" screeched a voice from above him.

"Ahhhh!" Jack shrieked, jumping behind his work table. "Wuya! Dammit! Don't do that!"

"Don't do what?" asked the Heylin sorceress as she smoothed out her ridiculously large magenta hair.

"You know, freak the fuck out of me," Jack said suspiciously, inching toward his parasol to protect it from that stupid beyotch.

"Don't be such a baby, Jack," Wuya admonished. "After all, I bet you and I could make a productive team," she suggested. "Just hand over that sparkly new Wu of yours, and we'll be conquering the world in no time."

"Why do you want it?"

"It's very powerful," Wuya said. "An imbecile like you couldn't possibly know what to do with it."

"I'm not an imbecile," Jack whined. "I'm a genius. And I have a very good plan that I don't need you around screwing up."

"And just what would that plan be? Lose the parasol to the monks in a showdown? I don't think so. Hand it over!"

"Make me!" Jack snarled. Wuya grabbed for the Wu and Jack pulled away, but he was too late. The parasol began to glow a bizarre rainbow color.

"All right, Jack," Wuya snarled. "I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown."

"Ugh, fine," Jack agreed. "But let's make this quick." They did. Nearly three minutes later, Wuya was leaving with her Ruby of Ramses, Jack's Glove of Jisaku, and the Parasol in question.

"Goddamn it!" Jack cursed. "My plan is ruined!"

"Pleasure doing business with you," Wuya said graciously as she vanished.

Just then, the eastern wall of Jack's lab collapsed as a tidal wave surged against it, caused by Omi's Orb of Tornami. Water lapped at Jacks ankles, which were shielded by his ridiculous boots. "What now?" he asked.

"We've come to get that parasol from you," Raimundo meandered. He was followed in by the rest of his crazy crew.

"You are no match for us, Jack Spicer," Omi blastulated, tucking the orb back into his robes.

"You're too late, guys." Jack whined, "I already lost it to Wuya, that conniving witch."

The Xiaolin warriors just stood there, mouths agape, staring at Jack.

"Did you hear me? I said I don't have it," Jack yelled.

Kimiko blinked. "Jack, have you lost weight or something?"

Jack replied, "Well, yes, thanks for noticing. I've been doing South Beach for about a month now, it's a miracle ... wait. Why do you care?"

"Jack," Clay stuttered, "You look finer than a fine-tooth comb at a Canadian sheep-shearing contest."

"Ummm..." Jack was confused.

"Yes." Omi went on. "I would like to non-vertically salsa dance with you right now."

"Don't you mean ‘horizontal mambo’?" Jack asked. Just then the entire crew jumped on top of Jack, tearing his clothing off and smothering him. "I just can't get enough of you!" Raimundo screamed in a fit of passion.

"Oh, Jack!" Kimiko shouted.

"What is going on here?" Jack asked, to no avail.

"Get off me, you losers!" Jack shoved at the good guys, who were all tearing at his black coat. His meek, girly little arms weren't strong enough to defend the boy genius, because he didn't get any exercise or drink enough milk, despite his mother's protests. "I guess I'll have to do this the normal way," he sighed. "Vulture bot!" Jack's newest creation swept into action, saving Jack from the clawing hands of his tormentors.

Jack wasn't sure where to go. With his secret basement lair (which was only infrequently penetrated by his mother, who came bearing baked goods) infiltrated by the Xiaolin monks, Jack had few places to turn.

As he felt around the cracks in the side of a mountain, Jack hoped that he would gain entrance into Chase's lair without being crushed by anything. Finding his way in easier this time, Jack timidly stepped over the threshold. "Hello?" he called. "Chase? Are you there?"

"Yes," said a cold voice from above. Jack noticed dozens of glowing eyes emerge from the shadows that surrounded him. "I'm here, Spicer." Jack waited for Chase to admonish him, but the everlord did not. "Come closer." jack inched up to the bottom of the grand staircase. "Closer." Jack ascended the stairs until he was standing next to his idol and sometime-rival.

"Hi, Chase," Jack sputtered.

"Hello, Spicer," Chase Young replied, drawing Jack near with a gloved hand. "How perfectly nice it is to see you."

"Really?" Jack asked. "It's not usually nice to see me."

"Well," Chase purred, "I just noticed what a beautiful young man you are."

"Uh ... thanks."

"Tell me, what brings me the pleasure of playing host to you this evening?"

"Well, Chase, sir--"

"Sir?"

"It's the monks. They attacked me in my lab and, well, I didn't know who to go to for help, since Wuya absconded with my Parasol of Prettiness."

"Wuya tells me she won that Wu fair and square," Chase said calmly. "And anyway, Spicer, I don't think you need it. You're such a pretty boy already." Jack looked down to find that Chase was making quick work of Jack's Helibot.

"You won't be needing this," Chase said sinisterly. Jack whimpered.

Chase continued to remove Jack's accessories, moving on to his clothing until Jack stood before him, naked. "Oh, my," Jack shivered.

"You look so beautiful. Everything about you, and your beautiful body, is, well, pretty," Chase continued.

"Oh, well, thanks," Jack continued, insecurely.

Chase began to circle Jack's pale nipples with his fingers, much to Jack's delight. The stimulation was beginning to turn him on -- not to mention his undying crush, which usually gave him a hard-on whenever he was within a 50-foot radius of Chase Young, the hottest thang eva.

"You're so hot, Jack. I can't believe I've never noticed this before, but you are incredibly sexy."

"Oh, I know. I'm a sexy boy genius. I mean, an evil boy genius. I mean, a sexy evil boy genius."

"Just shut up." Chase commanded, reaching down to Jack's nether regions, massaging his rapidly engorging member. Jack moaned.

"Your penis is so beautiful," Chase uttered.

"Well, I'm sure your penis is beautiful too."

"Oh, would you like to see it?"

"I sure do! You have no idea!"

"All right, here you go," Chase said as he undid his complicated robes, revealing quite the amazing specimen of masculinity, an eight-inch beauty.

"Oh, wow," Jack uttered, mostly speechless. He had fantasized many a night about finally consummating his imaginary marriage with Chase Young, and now it was finally happening. He reached down and touched Chase's love-shaft. Chase shuddered.

"It feels so good when you do that." Chase said.

"Well, it will fell even better when I do this," Jack said, kneeling down and wrapping Chase's beautiful penis with his petite little mouth.

"Oh yeah," Chase moaned. Jack continued by bobbing his head up and, licking and loving every minute of it. This was like a fantasy come true for Jack.

Chase was totally digging this hot man-on-man action. Usually he only had sex with Wuya, and sometimes his warrior jungle cats. But only when he was a lizard. "Spicer," Chase moaned, looking down at Jack's wiggly bottom. "Cease this fellatio."

Jack looked up, confused. "But I liked it," Jack whined. His eye makeup was kind of melting off of his face so that it was streaked across his cheeks. It kind of made him look like Wuya. Chase found this kind of ... pretty.

"I think I can give you something you'll like more," Chase said sternly, making his way around to Jack's behind. He suddenly grabbed Jack's ass, which was insanely perky, even by fan porn standards. Chase reached around to cup Jack's testicles with one hand, while his sucked the index finger of the other into his mouth. He withdrew it and quickly plunged it into Jack's tight arse.

"Ah!" Jack yelped. The pain was intense. He felt Chase's finger wiggle its was around while he writhed in agony due to the gigantic size of Chase's half-lizard index finger. Suddenly, Jack felt an intense burst of warm sensation wallop his senses. Ah!" he screamed again, this time in delicious pleasure. "What is that?" Jack asked, panting and simultaneously trying to maneuver his anus back into the right position on Chase's now-double-fingered attack on his virginity.

"Your prostate," Chase growled. "Isn't it just the greatest?"

"Yes, yes!" Jack cried. "Please, Chase, I don't know why you picked now to be interested in me, but I've loved you forever! I don't know how much longer I can last. Please!"

"You're an annoying little gnat." Chase withdrew his fingers. "But for some reason, I suddenly find you irresistible. Anyway, my cock is truly enormous so at least I know that if I suddenly hate you again after we're done here you'll be in a gargantuan amount of pain."

"Oh, god, I don't care!" Jack moaned. "I can't stand this emptiness. Please fuck me!"

Chase obliged, slicking his wonderful cock with a glob of KY, which he generally had his jungle cats pick him up at the local Target. Jack sighed a great sigh of relief. He tried to position himself on Chase's member so that his prostate would be stimulated again.

"Do you want me to fuck you?" Chase asked, slightly angling his hips so that Jack wouldn't get any satisfaction whatsoever because he was totally a jerk. Jack didn't even say anything. He just moaned. "Spicer! Answer me!"

"Yes," Jack pleaded. "Yes, Chase, I need you. Please, fuck me." Chase withdrew from Jack's anus, which was the tightest and hottest place Chase's cock has ever been. As he drew out and pushed back in, he felt Jack's formerly virgin sphincter delightfully squeeze every hot spot along the length of his tool.

After several minutes of rapid humping and moaning the dynamic duo were spent. Chase collapsed on top of Jack after releasing what seemed like a gallon of spooj in Jack's bottom.

"Wow," Jack uttered, bringing one of his delicate white fingers up to his mouth for effect.

"Shut up," Chase shot back, the afterglow quickly fading.

"Huh?"

"Get out of my sight. You disgust me," Chase scolded, throwing a cloak over Jack's sweaty carcass while getting dressed himself.

"But I thought you said I was beautiful! I gave up my rearginity for you!" Jack started to tear up. His makeup was starting to run again.

"Yeah, whatever. Never call me." Chase left Jack in a quivering puddle on the floor.

Jack lay there crying until a ghostly presence entered the room. "Wuya?" Jack asked.

"Get yourself together, you sniveling pile of uselessness. Another Shen Gong Wu has revealed itself."

"What is it?" Jack half-cried, half-asked.

"The Cataclysmic Metronome. Those awful Xiaolin monks are probably already there getting it right now. Hurry!"

"What does it do?" Jack asked, already lacing up his boots.

"It allows the user to play 'Chopsticks' ceaselessly," Wuya informed her wayward minion. "With this Wu, we can finally annoy those Xiaolin monks until they're driven insane and simply allow me to take over the world." Wuya looked at Jack and wrinkled her nose. "Jack!" she shrieked.

"What!" Jack shrieked back.

"Have you suddenly gotten much less pretty?"

Jack looked at Wuya, and then at the floor, and then back at Wuya. Then, he suddenly burst into tears. "It's true!" he wailed. "Chase and I made love! Sweet, beautiful, endless love! And now he hates me!"

"Oh," Wuya cooed. "You poor, poor baby." She tapped her foot impatiently. "Now let's go get that Wu!"

"He said we were work friends!" Jack continued to sob. "But I wanted to be real friends, and also life partners!" The pathetic boy genius sniffed. "Do you think anyone will ever love me?"

Wuya, arms akimbo, looked down at her sniveling minion. "Jack, I don't know if anyone will ever love you, but I can tell you this: If you don't get off your sorry behind--"

"Which really hurts right now!" Jack moaned; Wuya cringed, and continued:

"Go get me my Wu!" She turned to leave the room. When she was almost out the door entirely, she turned back to Jack. "Don't feel too bad, Jack. Maybe he'll leave you with a little present."

"You mean like an STD?"

"You fool! Don't you know what the Parasol of Prettiness does?”

"No."

"Oh." She shrugged. "Now get me my Wu, or I'll make sure you regret the day you were born!"

"Wait!" Jack shouted. "What does the Wu do?"

"Look, it makes you irresistible, and not only to the opposite sex."

"You mean Chase wasn't really attracted to me? It was just the Wu?"

"That's not it. Whoever you do have sex with, you will bear their child."

"Bear their child? But I'm a boy!"

"Look, Jackie-poo, it doesn't matter. We really don't have time for this. You're pregnant, get over it. It's time to get my Wu."

"I'M PREGNANT!? OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

"Jack, my Wu."

"Why do you need me to get the Wu for you? You're not a ghost anymore."

"Oh yeah, that's right. Fuck you, Jack. I'm getting it for myself."

"Go ahead, Wuya, I've got bigger problems."

Wuya whipped around and left Jack in a quivering puddle on the floor.

"Mo-om!" Jack yelled. His mother marched down the stairs dutifully.

"What is it, Jack?"

"I'm pregnant!" Jack wailed and warbled at the same time.

"You're ridiculous. Have these cupcakes," his mom said, leaving a platter of cupcakes by him. She turned around and left the basement. Before she left she said, "It's your father's and my anniversary so don't come upstairs for the next week. Capisce?"

"Capisce," Jack moaned. His life was already horrible, but now it was worse. Who did he have to turn to now? Certainly not his parents. Certainly not Wuya and certainly not Chase. That only left the Xiaolin monks, his sworn enemies. Would they be willing to help him? Jack sure hoped so, because right now they were his only option.

Jack trudged through the gate of the Xiaolin temple. Usually, he only came to steal their wu; once, he had actually stayed on as an apprentice. Now, he wasn't really sure why he was there. The temple grounds were eerily calm.

A shrill cry broke through the silence. Jack seized for a moment as a yellow blur landed in front of him. "Jack Spier!" cried Omi, dragon of the water. "Surrender now, or face a most humiliating defeat! We will not allow you to steal our Shen Gong Wu!"

Jack sighed, pushing Omi aside. "I'm not here to steal your Wu," he said morosely. "I've got bigger problems right now."

"Have you decided to abandon your Heylin ways?" Omi thought for a moment. "I mean, again?"

Jack shrugged. "I've got a pretty big problem. I slept with Chase, and--"

"You and Chase Young sleep in the same bed?" Omi cocked an eyebrow.

"Not usually."

"I did not realize you and Chase Young were so close!"

"We're not, really. I don't think he likes me very much."

"Once, when I was very tired, I feel asleep in Kimiko's bed."

"Yuck. TMI, baldy. I don't want to know about you and that permanently PMSing Harajuko freak."

Omi gave Jack a strange look. Then, he smiled. "You are a funny man, Jack Spicer."

"Maybe I should be talking to one of your older and wiser comrades."

"I have no older comrades. We are all the same age."

"Uh huh."

"Nevertheless, I will take you to Raimundo."

Raimundo, fearless Shoku warrior and leader of the Xiaolin monks, was having a difficult time accepting that Jack was pregnant. "Have you taken a pregnancy test?" he asked, befuddled.

"No," Jack whined. "But, Wuya said--"

"Would you really listen to Wuya?"

"Sure," Jack shrugged. "She's not a liar. She's kind of a beyotch, but she's not a liar."

"Jack, she's Heylin."

"Watch it, tacohead," Jack sneered. "I'm Heylin."

"One, we don't eat a lot of tacos in Brazil. And two, you came here looking for our help, so I suggest you make nice."

"I'm not a freezer."

"I said nice, not ice. Now let's go ask Master Fung about this Parasol. Maybe it'll turn out that Wuya was lying, and that you're not pregnant."

"I sure hope so."

Master Fung frowned as he looked down at the miraculously animated scroll, "It is true, Jack Spicer, you are most likely pregnant. But only if you allowed Chase Young to sperm inside of you. Did you?"

"Well, yes," Jack answered, blushing.

"This is very bad," Omi chimed in.

"Oh, this is awful. I can't be pregnant!" Jack wailed pathetically.

"Well, you are," Raimundo discouraged, "So you had better get a hold of yourself.

Jack Spicer looked around at the Xiaolin monks, "Will you guys help me? I am utterly at your mercy. I know I haven't been good to you all, but I'm in trouble!" His pleadings were the most pathetic thing the monks had ever heard.

"Well," Omi answered, "I guess I am willing to trust you, even though you have promised to be our friend before."

"I mean it this time!" Jack answered.

"Okay!" Raimundo shouted, "But you have to clean all of our underwear again."

"Even Kimiko's?" Jack pleaded.

"Especially Kimiko's," they all responded in unison, creeping Jack out to the max.

Much later, after months of the lowliest servitude imaginable, Jack had earned the monks' trust. Hew was also starting to show, much to the surprise of Kimiko, who had held out in thinking that it was impossible for a male to become pregnant.

"I just don't think it's possible," she would tell Jack, while commanding him to scrub her personal bidet yet again.

"Kimiko," he would respond, "It's Wu-begotten, that makes it an exception to all the rules."

"Let's just say I'll believe it when I see it."

Now it was obvious that Jack actually was pregnant. He could no longer button his trench coat and even his boots were feeling a bit tight. He spent most of his time in a loose fitting robe he had borrowed from Clay, who had been curiously kind during this whole ordeal.

"Do you want your cheddar popcorn now?" Clay asked, entering the ridiculously cramped little straw box that all of the monks, and now Jack, lived in.

"No," Jack whined. He was playing his DS Lite and listening to Kraftwork on his ridiculously large and outlandish Sony noise-canceling headphones. Also, because of this, he had to scream.

"Stop screaming, partner," said Clay as he sat down on the cold Xiaolin temple floor next to Jack's hideously uncomfortable straw mat. "I can hear you loud and clear."

"Well, I can't hear you over this music, loser," Jack snotted, removing his headphones. Just then, Kimiko popped into the cubicle.

"Hey, Pimlico," the evil pregnant genius whined, making a clever wordplay with the Tube stop nearest the Tate Britain and the name of the Xiaolin dragon of fire.

"My name is Kimiko," Kimiko said drably. "Listen, Jack, I don't know where to find you a bed that'll fit in this cubicle."

"Maybe you haven't looked hard enough," Jack suggested.

"Maybe you should go home and live with you parents."

Jack paused, looking between the two monks. "Ohhhhh," he said uneasily, putting one hand on his six-months-pregnant middle. "I think I just felt the baby kick. You guys want to feel?"

"Ew, no," said Kimiko. "And stop avoiding my question!"

Jack looked at Clay pleadingly. "Having you around is getting a mite annoying," he rambled.

Jack sniffled, and it seemed like he might cry. "You hate me?" he asked.

"No, partner, we don't hate you. We just want to know why you don't go home to your parents is all."

"Or Chase," Raimundo added, sticking his head under the clapboard screen that made one wall of Jack's cubby. "Aren't you planning on telling him you’re carrying his disturbing lizard baby?"

"Well," Jack began, hoisting himself upright as Omi dropped down from the ceiling. "Those are all great issues, and they each deserve a copious amount of exposition."

"Well?" Omi asked impatiently, tapping his fingers on his forehead in an odd manner. "Tell us."

Jack broke into tears, "Chase hates me! He's always hated me. The only reason he slept with me was because of that stupid Wu, which I don't even have anymore. As soon as its effects wore off he cast me out."

"Oh, that is very sad," Omi said soothingly.

"What about your parents? Why can't you go to them?" Kimiko blurted out obnoxiously, drawing attention to her hairdo du jour, which was a beehive affair gone wrong.

"Well," Jack said sniffling, "If they knew I slept with a man, they would kick me out, so it’s better that I just kick my self out and don't tell them."

Omi opened his eyes very wide, "You mean to say you have not exited the wardrobe yet?"

Everyone knew what he was trying to say and just rolled their eyes. Jack looked at him with contempt, "No, lemonhead, I haven't come out to them yet. I can't. Not ever. They're Mormon."

"Oh, I see," said Master Fung as he suddenly appeared with a tray with tea on it. "Here, let us all drink this tea. It will make us all feel much better.

A few weeks later Jack was really beginning to show. He had started borrowing clothing from Clay, which even in his enlarged state were like wearing a tent for Jack. Suddenly he heard a loud clap of thunder and Wuya appeared before him. She too was quite round, but apparently she was able to get herself to A Pea in the Pod and didn't have to resort to borrowing clothes from a humongous Texan.

"Hi, Wuya," Jack sneered, covering himself protectively.

"Oh, sob, I'm not going to hurt you, pathetic boy."

"How do I know that?"

"You don't," said Wuya. "Except that I just told you."

"Well, I'm happy to see that you fucked up with the Parasol of Prettiness, too," Jack meandered.

"I didn't need the Parasol of Prettiness to get Chase to sleep with me, Jack," Wuya corrected. "We were sleeping together for realzies way before that Wu revealed itself. I just came over to make you jealous."

"Well," Jack sniffed, his ridiculous eyeliner beginning to run. "It totally worked!" Jack burst into tears and ran back into the temple.

About an hour later, Raimundo tracked Jack down. "Hey," he said calmly.

"Hey is for horses," said Jack.

"That's kind of funny," Raimundo shrugged. He thought everything was kind of funny because they didn't have humor in Brazil. But just kind of, not really, really ha-ha funny. "Are you done sulking now?"

"Why does Wuya also have to be pregnant? I really hoped that giving birth to Chase's children would make him like me, but now I know that he's never going to like me. Why, why won't he like me?" Jack erupted in hysterics again, pulling his hair and letting spidery rivers of black flow down his ivory cheeks. "It's not fair!" he emoted.

"I don't know, Jack," said Raimundo comfortingly. "What's Chase got that's so great?"

"A big mountain palace with a doorway shaped like a tiger. The ability to turn into a lizard. A huge, huge, huge penis."

"How huge?"

"Huge." Jack smiled sadly. "Man, that was painful. But also great. Greatly painful. Man, I wish I were having sex right now."

Raimundo got a devious look in his eye.

"Jack," Raimundo slithered, "I've always wondered something and maybe you can help me with it."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Jack snipped back.

"Well, I've always wondered who has the biggest penis, me or Chase Young."

"Look, I can pretty much tell you it's him. He has the biggest penis I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of penises. I mean, oh shit."

"Well, I'm still curious, and since you've seen Chase's penis, I was wondering..." Raimundo trailed off, starting to blush.

"You want me to take a look at your penis and tell you how much smaller it is than Chase's?" Jack asked matter-of-factly, as if people asked him to look at their penises every day.

"Yes, if you wouldn't mind."

"Okay, whip it out. I promise not to laugh." Jack was lying. He assumed that Raimundo's penis would be tiny, but boy was he wrong.

Raimundo unzipped the fly to his khakis, revealing his lack of underwear. Underneath some closely cropped brown pubic hair was the largest penis Jack had ever seen. It was at least twice the size of Chase's and three times as thick. "Well?" Raimundo asked, content with the shocked expression on Jack's face.

"Holy Jesus on the Cross!" Jack yelped. "That thing is a monster."

"Yeah, sixteen inches of prime-quality Brazilian beef."

"Eww, never call it that," Jack paused, reaching out his hand. "Can I touch it?"

"Yeah, sure, you can do whatever you want to it."

"Really? Wow, if I had known I would have joined you good guys a long time ago."

"Who knew you were such a size whore?" Raimundo whispered under his breath.

"What was that?" Jack asked.

"Um, just put it in your mouth."

"Sure thing, leader."

All of the other monks were really pretty upset with Jack and Raimundo's steamy affair. Raimundo was becoming easily distracted, and Jack was just a worthless sack of crap even when he wasn't bursting at the seams with Chase Young's love child.

"It is not fair!" Omi squealed at breakfast. "Raimundo was picked to become our leader, and now he is wasting all of his precious time dally-dillying with Jack Spicer!"

"I think they're more than just dilly-dallying," Clay nodded knowingly. "Have you seen the way they look at each other? I've never seen Rai look at anyone with so much, er..." Clay thought for a moment. "Combined lust and desperation."

"What about that time we watched Kimiko take a shower?"

"Yeah," said Kimiko, fuming. "What about that time you watched Kimiko take a shower?"

"It was mainly Raimundo's fault," Omi explained. "He said your porcelain skin was beautiful like a doll's."

"He was very complimentary," Clay confirmed. "Who would've thought he'd fall for a boy?"

"I don't know," Kimiko shrugged, momentarily letting her faghaggishness overtake her outrage at having been featured on "Jack was pretty much a girl before he got pregnant. Now he's just a genderless blob of nothing."

"True," agreed Omi approvingly.

"True, but he's also Raimundo's genderless blob of nothing," Clay reminded the group. "So let's try to go easy on him."

Raimundo's genderless blob of nothing was lying on his terrible little straw mat while all of the monks were training. Raimundo usually came back from training all hot and bothered, and Jack was beginning to grow accustomed to needing to be pounded rather thoroughly at the same time every day, and then several times after that. He checked his watchbot, which was just a big alarm clock with a laser on it.

Just then, Raimundo stumbled in. "Hi Jack," he said saucily, removing his robes. "I'm all sweaty and disgusting from monk practice. Take your pants off." He wiggled his eyebrows like the swarthy cassanova he was.

"Oh good," Jack panted. The he paused. "But first, I want to have a really serious talk about our relationship."

"Dear god no."

"Oh, yes."

"Can it wait until after we have sex?"

"No, silly," Jack giggled, sitting up. "I'm worried that we're just together because I'm so incredibly attractive, and you can't keep your hands off of me. After I give birth to this baby, I'm going to be all awkwardly bloated and have stretch marks. Probably my nipples will constantly bleed from nursing, and I'll have the most annoying inability to relax. And what then? Will we stay together? And what about this baby?"

"Look, Jack. I don't want to hear about your bleeding nipples and inability to relax. Once you've had your baby I don't want anything more to do with you. Capisce?"

"What? Really?"

"Look, man. I have a very particular fetish: possibly albino pregnant redheaded males. Currently, I find you irresistible, but once you're not pregnant anymore, I will no longer find you attractive."

"Not even a little bit?"

"No, it would be the same as if you dyed your hair or used self tanner. Take one thing out of the equation and you might as well be a pile of dog doo. My advice is that you get it while the going's good."

"But who am I going to raise this awful child with?" Jack asked desperately.

"I would ask Omi. He's more of the paternal type. Now, can we fuck yet?"

"Yeah, sure." Jack offered up his extremely perky bottom, but his all wasn't in it. He was distracted. He kept trying to think of ways to seduce Omi.

"Omi!" Jack wailed pathetically.

"Yes, Jack Spicer. What do you want?" Omi's little round head appeared presently.

"I need to ask you a favor," Jack said.

"Yes, anything."

"I want you to be the godfather of my child."

"What does that entail, Jack Spicer?"

"You know, I don't really know. You've just been so nice to me these past few months. I really want you to be a part of this baby's life when he or she is born."

"Shouldn't you be asking Raimundo? He is the leader, and your, er, lover."

"Raimundo's a jerk. I don't think he would be a very good influence on the baby. I want it to be you."

"Well, I cannot really refuse."

"Do you want to help me come up with baby names? What should we name her if it's a girl?"

"How about Beulah?" Omi offered.

"Ew, no. That's awful."

"I thought you wanted me to help."

"Um, I do. I'll, um, consider it."

"I can't wait to tell everyone that I will be your child's fairy godmother!" Omi exclaimed, hopping away at an alarming rate.

Jack just twiddled his fingers sinisterly. "All is going to plan," he said to his engorged stomach.

His stomach didn't talk back. But he kind of had to go to the bathroom, so he shuffled off to the outhouse, teetering on his swollen feet the whole way.

That night at dinner, Omi served Jack an extra heaping portion of mochi slathered in kimchi. "Thanks to Kimiko showing me on her computer machine, I have discovered what pregnant women enjoy eating," Omi babbled. "Since these foods are generically Asian, we had them at the temple. Enjoy!" Omi stood by the table looking quite pleased with himself, waiting for Jack to dig in.

"Listen," he began. He was going to follow up with, "cheddarhead, I'm not a woman, and I'm not about to eat that disgusting mess." He looked to Clay and Kimiko for help. Raimundo wasn't looking at him because he was focused on scarfing down his paella.

"I don't think Jack likes kimchi, Omi," Kimiko said gently.

"Yeah, little partner," Clay added. "I'm not sure what state I'd have to be in to eat that. Not that it doesn't look delicious," he added quickly, wanting to spare Omi's feelings.

Jack knew what he had to do. "No, guys, it's okay," he said sadly, digging in. "It's just what I wanted." Jack choked down the neon orange and pastel pink mess. "Yum," he said through a full mouth.

Clay, Raimundo, and Kimiko, who were all looking on in disgust, tried to eat their own food, but dinner was more or less spoiled for all of them. Omi, on the other hand, ate his rice happily. "Yes, Jack Spicer, I will not let your baby be born unhealthy. You will not be sorry I am such a competent fairy godmother. After all, it is like Master Fung says, the road to Argentina is paved with the brickwork of a thousand nights of solitude." Jack and the three other monks looked at each other and shrugged. Omi kept daintily eating his rice happily. After dinner, Jack walked around for an hour hoping he wasn't about to lose his lunch (which was really a euphemism for his dinner).

Omi approached him from behind, jumping up a few feet to tap him on the shoulder. "I am glad you enjoyed my cooking. It makes me feel much better about this whole godmother thing."

"Yes, you are quite the little cook, Omi. Almost as good as a chef as you are a warrior." Jack chuckled to himself at this remark. Batting his eyelashes he continued: "Anyways, you look really nice tonight."

Omi blushed in a way usually reserved for anime characters. "You are too kind, Jack Spicer. I am using a new moisturizing lotion, it helps with my dry skin."

"Hmmm, who would have thought the water warrior would have dry skin?" Jack pondered aloud.

"There is a lot about me that would surprise you," Omi admitted.

"Oh really?" Jack said, "Tell me something. I love surprises."

"Well, most people don't know this, but I think I'm in love."

"In love? With who?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"Come on, I promise not to laugh."

"Well, Jack Spicer, I am in love with you. I know that you and Raimundo have your thing, and I don't want to intrude on that."

"Oh, Omi! I'm so happy! I mean, Raimundo and me are actually over. It turns out he didn't really love me."

"Really?"

Jack leaned in and pecked Omi on the lips. "Yes," he whispered, "I'm all yours now."

Omi leaned in and kissed Jack again, this time more passionately. Their tongues intertwined.

Soon, Omi and Jack were the newest item on the Xiaolin social scene. "I am sorry, Raimundo, that I stole your crow," Omi said saucily one morning over breakfast.

"You can have him," Raimundo said distractedly as he poured over The New York Times Week in Review section. "Did you know that Tom Friedman is on vacation this week?"

"He's always on vacation," Kimiko moaned. "It's like they're paying him to write a book so it can end up on their best seller list."

"I know," Clay chimed in disgustedly. "And I can't figure out what in tarnation is the point of that workout section in the back of Thursday styles."

"Hello," Kimiko laughed. "Reaching much?" All three non-Omi monks chortled to themselves. Omi looked sad until Jack waddled into to the dining area.

"Ah!" he said happily. "Here is my little sparrow."

"Little nothing," said Clay. "He's looking wider than my pappy's thresher after the annual Houston farm equipment convention."

"Ew," said Kimiko.

"Hey, hey," Jack cautioned. "Watch it there, Billy Bob."

"Or you'll what?" Raimundo asked. Jack shrugged.

"Jack may be incapacitated with Chase Young's progeny, but I will kick your font."

"It's backside," Rai corrected. "Or ass, you know."

"No, I will kick your front. Right in the balls, like Jack taught me."

"That's right," Jack said, squeezing himself into a chair. "Anyway, if you turkeys are done kibbitzing, I have a problem: How am I going to give birth to this thing?"

"Do not worry," Omi said happily. "For you see, I have the perfect solution."

"Yes?" Jack asked, suddenly curious.

"Well, there are two most common ways for men to give birth. One is that you develop a magical, mystical vagina. It exists when you give birth, but then it miraculously disappears after."

"Ew, that sounds gross," Jack responded. The other monks nodded in agreement. They also thought a mystical vagina had no place between Jack Spicer's legs.

"Well," Omi continued, "The other is the ever-popular ass baby."

"That sounds much better," Jack said.

"But that'll be like pushing a hog through a dime," Clay similed.

"Whatever, it can't be any worse than getting fucked up the ass by Omi," Jack snapped back. Omi smiled.

"That is way too much information," Kimiko said, crossing her arms and leaving.

"Oh good," Omi said, "Now it's just us guys."

"And dragons!" said that stupid dragon thing that's always hanging around.

"Shut up before I step on you," Clay scolded.

"Okay, sorry, I didn't realize I was so greatly hated amongst the youth set," Dojo whined.

"Are you gonna quit flapping your gums or what?" Clay questioned.

"Yes," Omi added. "Dojo, you should make like a flower and pedal."

"Hey, Omi, your malapropisms are getting so out of whack that they're coming full circle and making sense," Raimundo asserted.

"I try," Dojo sniffed, wiggling out of the room.

"So," Jack said hesitantly. "What are we going to do today?"

"Several hours of training," Omi offered.

"Yeah, followed by what?"

"Meditation," Clay answered, whittling a piece of spruce to look like a javelina.

"That's boring as hell," Jack moaned. "Omi, I'm bored."

"Are you?" asked a creepy voice. "How pathetic. Spicer, you might as well throw yourself off of a cliff and be done wasting these young monks' time."

"Chase Young!" Omi bellowed. "You will not succeed with your evil plan!"

"Yeah," Raimundo added. "What is your evil plan?"

"No evil plan," Chase assured the boys. "I'm simply here to offer to solve Spicer's little problem."

"What little problem?" Jack asked, eating a slice of pie off of a plate balancing on his comically large middle.

"I think you should turn your child over to me, so I can raise it as a true Heylin warrior."

"Hey! I'm a Heylin warrior!"

"No, you're a pathetic excuse for a worm, and the only reason I haven't ended your misery yet is because I need you to deliver me my offspring."

"Well, you can't have my baby!" Jack shrieked.

"Yeah, what's the big idea, bursting in here and trying to take a babe away from its mama?" Clay interjected.

"I'm not taking anything," Chase rationalized. "I'm simply extending an offer."

"We will defend Jack's right to keep his child!" Omi cried. "Dragons, assume Wudai Orion formation!" Kimiko came bouncing back into the room to get in position, just as Jack screamed loudly and suddenly.

"Jack Spicer!" Omi cried. "Are you okay?"

"I think I'm having the baby!"

All of a sudden amniotic fluid came gushing out of Jack's bathrobe. "Oh god!" Jack screamed, shocked and kind of embarrassed..

Clay, wiping amniotic fluid off of his cowboy boots, remarked, "I haven't seen water break like that since my trip to Niagara falls in 6th grade."

Everyone just stared at him.

"What am I going to do?" Jack screamed, frantically tearing at his hair.

Omi took hold of him and shook. "Well, Jack Spicer, we must figure out how this baby will be shipped."

"Shipped?" Jack asked.

"He must mean delivered," Raimundo contributed.

"Ah." Jack nodded.

"Well," Omi continued, "Where did your water shatter from? Your asshole or a new magic mystical vagina that has developed?"

"Hmm, I don't think I've developed a new vagina," Jack answered.

"You'd better check, amigo," Raimundo said.

Jack opened his robe. All that he revealed was his pathetic little pale penis. Alas, there was no magical vagina for the baby to be delivered through.

Omi looked up at Jack. "Looks like you're having an ass baby! How excellent."

"Oh no!" Jack moaned. "This is going to hurt!"

"Like passing a walrus through a garden hose!" Clay added, much to everyone's chagrin.

"Let me help," Chase interrupted. "Believe it or not, I have experience with this sort of thing." Chase stooped down next to Jack. "Now, the key to delivering an ass baby is, it comes out the backdoor."

"Oh my god!" Jack bellowed. "These contractions are awful! How long does labor usually last?"

"Breathe through your nose," Chase ordered.

"No, breathe through your mouth! That's what pappy always said when we were delivering calves at the ranch."

"Seriously, Jack," Kimiko said, turning green. "Close your legs."

"No, keep them open! That's what my mother always said!" Raimundo added.

"Yeah, no wonder she had nine children," Kimiko mumbled.

"You take that back!"

"Make me!"

"Children, please," Chase groaned. "The birthing process is very delicate." Jack moaned. Chase grabbed his legs and forced them apart.

"Chase Young!" Omi squealed. "I insist you not handle Jack Spicer in such an intimate manner! He is my girl boo!"

"Uh huh," said Chase. "Anyway, Spicer, just push with the contractions.

"I've seen ER," Jack grunted. "I think I can handle it." Suddenly, he clenched his teeth as another contraction hit him. "Ah! No I can't!"

Nine hours and 17 wise sayings from Master Fung about patience and the cycle of life later, Jack was holding two baby boys -- identical twins. They each had Chase's black hair and orange eyes. "It looks like Spicer and Chase's eye colors combined or something," Clay said.

"That doesn't make any sense biologically," Jack said while trying to shove one of his exposed gray nipples into one of the baby's mouths. "Eye colors don't mingle like that."

"While this is all very fascinating," Kimiko purred, "what are you going to name the babies?"

"I hadn't really thought about it," Jack cooed at one of his babies. "Did we think about it beforehand? No, no we didn't. That's why we're 15 and sitting on a dirt floor breastfeeding."

"Uh huh," said Raimundo. "Do you have any ideas?"

"Glitter and Doom," Jack said definitively.

"That's dumber than riding English-style at the Calgary rodeo," Clay offered.

"What about Omi?" Omi suggested.

"What about Dojo?" asked Dojo, peeking out of Omi's tunic.

"Well, they're Chinese," Jack said.

"Half Chinese," Chase corrected.

"So I'll name one Won-Ton."

"You cannot name your baby that!" Omi squealed. "It is undeniably racist!"

"And inane," Kimiko added.

"Ugh, fine. Well, I just squeezed two babies out of my anus," Jack said, handing one of the babies to Kimiko and the other to Omi. "You guys name the other one. I'm going to bed."

"How about Chase Jr.?" Chase asked.

"Fine, fine, whatever. Goodnight, losers."

Jack went to sleep. His labor had exhausted him. Omi stayed by his side, watching the two twins sleeping in their crib. Jack snored loudly. It had been a long time since he had been able to sleep this soundly.

Chase stuck around for a while, but a jungle cat emergency drew him away after a few minutes. Apparently the kitty chow supply had been compromised by a mold issue. Chase cared about his jungle cats. He cared about them a lot.

All of a sudden, the wall of the temple crumbled. A cloud of dust ensconced the room. Jack woke up, coughing and sputtering all over the place. "Who awoke me from my peaceful slumber?" he asked to the cloudy room.

"It was me, Hannibal Roy Bean!" said Hannibal Roy Bean, waving his vine-like arms seductively.

"Hannibal Roy Bean!" Jack shouted, terrified. This was the evilest villain he and the Xiaolin Monks had ever encountered before. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I want your kids," Hannibal answered.

"You can't have them. Omi, help me!" Jack pleaded.

Unfortunately, Omi had been rendered ineffectual by one of Hannibal's fabulously awesome Shen Gong Wu.

"I'll take them now, if you please," Hannibal said.

"No!" Jack shouted, but it was too late. Hannibal Roy Bean had already left with his two newborn infants.
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The Parasol of Prettiness