errorYou must be logged in to review this story.
schedule
June 12, 2011 at 12:00 AM
o-o; Somehow I missed your update!
XD First off I'd like to say that two chapters is not waiting around... >.> *gestures to own fic* That's 13 chaps of waiting around... hah. I seem to enjoy prolonging things excessively, but that's because I think that makes things that much more amazing when it finally happens. XD Of course early sexy times can be just as fun, and this is pretty good. If I were you I would have broken up that one massive paragraph... but that's just me... XD I can be just a little picky sometimes.
There's just one tip I want to give you; while there's nothing wrong with "Zim unzipped the zipper on Dib's jumpsuit" (I would have just put "Zim unzipped Dib's jumpsuit") I find it looks nicer and more creative to try not use the same word twice in one sentence >.> aside from words you can't help using multiple times, like 'and', 'the', 'it', etc. Sometimes I avoid using a word a second time in whole paragraph... depending on the word and what's being described. My dad gave me that tip when he saw I kept using the word 'sliver' to describe the emotions a character had. There's nothing really wrong with it, like I said, but description is awesome!
XD First off I'd like to say that two chapters is not waiting around... >.> *gestures to own fic* That's 13 chaps of waiting around... hah. I seem to enjoy prolonging things excessively, but that's because I think that makes things that much more amazing when it finally happens. XD Of course early sexy times can be just as fun, and this is pretty good. If I were you I would have broken up that one massive paragraph... but that's just me... XD I can be just a little picky sometimes.
There's just one tip I want to give you; while there's nothing wrong with "Zim unzipped the zipper on Dib's jumpsuit" (I would have just put "Zim unzipped Dib's jumpsuit") I find it looks nicer and more creative to try not use the same word twice in one sentence >.> aside from words you can't help using multiple times, like 'and', 'the', 'it', etc. Sometimes I avoid using a word a second time in whole paragraph... depending on the word and what's being described. My dad gave me that tip when he saw I kept using the word 'sliver' to describe the emotions a character had. There's nothing really wrong with it, like I said, but description is awesome!
schedule
June 8, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Pretty good... :3 I want more ZaDr!
schedule
June 4, 2011 at 12:00 AM
This seems like a pretty good start; the little bit of OOCness seems to be justified and I really liked this part:
"Zim, I'm surprised. Usually you don't acknowledge your mistakes." Zim huffed "Zim acknowledges nothing."
Only thing I would suggest at this point would be to give each character their own paragraph when talking. I can't remember who told me to do this... but since I started doing that I think my own work has been easier to read. If you did it like this to have larger paragraphs then you should write more instead; but if you have problems with that you can just leave them short. I find that, sometimes, short paragraphs and even one-liners can be pretty powerful in a story.
If you like (I don't want to seem too bossy or annoying, s'why I'll ask) I can give you a few suggestions of what you could add to thicken up a paragraph. Keep improving, and clever title!
"Zim, I'm surprised. Usually you don't acknowledge your mistakes." Zim huffed "Zim acknowledges nothing."
Only thing I would suggest at this point would be to give each character their own paragraph when talking. I can't remember who told me to do this... but since I started doing that I think my own work has been easier to read. If you did it like this to have larger paragraphs then you should write more instead; but if you have problems with that you can just leave them short. I find that, sometimes, short paragraphs and even one-liners can be pretty powerful in a story.
If you like (I don't want to seem too bossy or annoying, s'why I'll ask) I can give you a few suggestions of what you could add to thicken up a paragraph. Keep improving, and clever title!