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May 26, 2009 at 12:00 AM
The general idea was pretty good, and the story would have been great - except - I suspect - that English might be a second language for you. Simply put, you need to work on keeping your past/present tense consistent and 'whit' should be 'with'. I say that I suspect that another language is your first language because these errors are quite common amongst english language learners. A bit more time and a good Beta would soon set you right.
If one looks past the continual grammatical errors, this one-shot was interesting to read.
If one looks past the continual grammatical errors, this one-shot was interesting to read.