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Reviews for Beginning

By : skittlesfairy
  • From Krow on May 06, 2007
    I think I know why people aren't reviewing this amazing story: You have it set to not accept anon reviews, and a lot of people are really lazy or don't have accounts D8 That's the only reason I can think of as to why this fic is not near as popular as it should be.

    Obviously, I loved what I was reading. You've done an excellent set up, getting right to the point but giving enough background into your version of the Irken world to ground the reader, while at the same time you're not trying to overload our sensed with the world you've created here. I really like how this started, with Zim being discovered in such a state, but instead of going into the details like a lot of authors tend to do, you made him disappear. Very, very neat.

    I loved the whole Ya'pey thing as well. So that means Purple and Zim are twins (or at the very least, they each have a twin somewhere, hee), and then they made love XDD Man, that's kinky. I love it. The sex scene was very well done, too! Drawn out in all the right places, but not too bogged down in detail or anything of the sort. Awesome.

    There are some grammatical errors, however, that bug me. Specifically the dramatic overuse of each of the character's names. You might want to go back and remove some of those names, like replace the name Purple with 'the other, the taller male, the violet eyed Irken, his comrade/friend/Ya'pey, his friend' etc. There are all sorts of things to replace someone's name with to help the writing go more smoothly. Saying 'Zim' or 'Purple' every sentence or even twice in a sentence is painfully repetitive. Also, try combining the actions in some places to help with the flow of the story. Don't overdo it, of course, but you can use a comma on occasion to combine a series of actions together.

    I'm going to list a couple of other common mistakes being made here and what to do instead ^^ These are what were pointed out to me by my own betas, so I've been stuck on it since XD Anywhoozle!

    "Zim...I promise (should be "Zim...(space)I promise) There's always a space after ellipses unless you are continuing a word, like you were saying : 'antici...pate' If that makes sense at all, lol XD

    "Zim will miss you too." Zim whispered (Should be: "Zim will miss you too(,)" Zim whispered) You need, when you have the following like a 'he said' or 'she murmured' to have a comma at the end of the dialog, as it's a continuation of the sentence. Gah, again, that probably didn't make much sense, so just keep the example in mind XD This was something I was getting wrong forever until Wicked Noise pointed it out to me, eek.

    Zim turned away from the other and pulled off his shirt revealing the worst of the damage. (Should be Zim turned away from the other and pulled off his shirt(,) revealing the worst of the damage.) Should have that comma there because the sentence flow was interrupted when you changed from past tense to present tense. Always be sure to use a comma when you make that change (though if you notice you're using too many commas in a sentence, that's when it's a good idea to make a new sentence. Though I didn't notice you having that problem here, so yay!)

    But yeah! Not too badly written at all! Do you do your own beta work? That's pretty good if so ^^ Love this story, love how it was written. It will definitely be uber awesome if you go back and make those changes :) Or, if you'd like a beta reader, I could go through it and offer my services and the like ^^ You know my DA, so feel free to note me!

    But yes *worships* Wonderful work, and I'm looking forward to the rest! I'm slow, though, so it might take me a bit to get to it, but it's definitely something I'm gonna do ^.^
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