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Reviews for Secrets

By : Himitsu

From Aysha on March 13, 2014
and now I'm confused!
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From Aysha on March 07, 2014
This chapter was good for building tension. Looking forward to next chapter and see what Zuko does. Will he go after her or if he waits ling enougf will Azula come to him?
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From Aysha on February 28, 2014
They are still covering their feelings for each other bye hurting each other: I do hope that they will come to terms with their feelings and end up happy together. I am looking forward to the next chapter.
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From Aysha on February 22, 2014
you took a lot longer than usual to update I was starting to get worried. I'm still reading and still enjoying this story. except that you get right to wear things are starting to get interesting and then you stop, end of chapter: Its so frustrating!
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From Aysha on February 04, 2014
that was really good! A lot of fun! Now you just have to figure out how to get there to admit their feelings for each other. I think it would be awesome if toph were a part of that, if she realizes what's going on between them she might come up with a plan to bring them together. I can't wait to see what you do!
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From Aysha on January 29, 2014
once again you have demonstrated an incredible grasp of the characters from avatar The Last Airbender. not once have I ever felt that the characters were different from the show. That is impressive feat considering that they're doing things those characters would never do.

of course I am drawn to the erotic interactions between these two characters however I am compelled by the store you are writing you have come up with a plot that has drawn me in. now I'm torn between wanting more sex and wanting to know what happens next in the story.

I know I've said it before,and I'll say it again you really have come up with a great story. Even if you make a lot of mistakes with your writing but then again so do I. I probably wouldn't be able to write a legible stories myself if it wasn't for my dragon speech recognition software even though it's amazingly inaccurate and one hell of a pain in the ass because it has the amazing ability to get everything right accepted exactly at the wrong time where is always gets it wrong.

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From Aysha on January 24, 2014
every time you give me just enough to want more Geeerrrr!!!
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From Aysha on January 20, 2014
this was a really good chapter and your story is quite riveting. there is only one problem I can see with your writing and that is that you tend to leave out a lot of words. for example if you were to write "He walked to the park." you would leave out the word (the) and it would look like. "He walk to park."

I don't think that there is a single paragraph in a single chapter that doesn't suffer from this problem in at least one or more sentences.
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From Aysha on January 03, 2014
Master Sisko is hilarious! but Aang was 112 years old when he came out of the iceberg so that means Master Sisko is 1 years too young to have even been born when Roku was alive
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From Aysha on October 19, 2013
You said you wanted to improve your writing so there are a couple of things you need to know, because you are making mistakes with them. First is the difference between further and farther. Further is a measure of degree. Example: "Be silent! If you anger me further, I shall have you executed." Farther is a measure of distance. Example: "How much farther must we travel before we reached our destination?"

I've noticed in your writing that every time you should use farther you use further there instead. Another thing I notice you do quite often is add unnecessary words to your sentences. Example: "She never let anyone upset her as much as Zuko managed to do." this sentence should end with Zuko, if you had to you could stretch it to include the word managed, however the words to and do, are both prepositions and should never be placed at the end of a sentence.

Another thing, in this sentence you wrote. "Fire Lord Zuko, this is a daring," Using the word "a" in this sentence makes no sense, instead you should have used the word "rather".

Every writer would agree that when writing the accuracy of your statement is extremely important. Here you wrote: "His balls became heavy with semen." However balls have nothing to do with the production of semen, they only produce sperm. The prostate gland produces, contains, and it expels semen.

My last critique is of your almost total lack of punctuation. punctuation, allows you to manipulate the flow of a sentence; it tells your readers how you want a sentence read.

all this withstanding, I am enjoying your story and will continue to read it as you update. If you have any questions you can contact me on the forum. My username is Aysha c.c.
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From ANON - Anon on October 14, 2013
You're welcome for the review. Glad you took it well. I'm not out to tear you down, but help improve you as a writer if I can. Thank you for accepting what I had to say with grace.

Thanks for clarifying how her clothing looked. I was picturing something more revealing than what was worn in the beach episode. I'm pretty sure what she wore in The Beach would be the furthest she'd ever go as far as showing skin. She's not the type to wear skimpy clothing. That's more Ty Lee's thing if anyone. I was under the wrong impression, so I appreciate that you went back and made things clearer.

You have a point in bringing up the pink of the graphic novel, though I personally dislike it. Going by the show, she's not the kind of character that would wear pink, and the TV show is the main canon. Anything else is a derivative. It's like how the comic said Zuko is only a year older than Azula. That's wrong. Main canon says they're two years apart, so that's what you go by. She NEVER wore pink on TV, said main canon, so it feels like a huge change to make. She wore harsh colors that suggest power and, yes, masculinity. The outfit in the comic was modeled off of her Season 2 outfit, in which she wore BROWN pants and a shirt. They changed it for who knows what reason.

You should definitely have Iroh sing even if they don't do the duet. That's comedy gold right there.

Azula would not keep reiterating that her brother called her the b-word (or even a slut). That still counts as swearing and is still off-putting, I'm afraid. Your dialogue for the characters is improving a great deal, but please lose the cussing, especially with Azula. It really is impossible to hear her voice when she's talking like that. Also, strictly my own opinion, but I'm not a fan of her using her looks to get men to do what she wants. That's completely opposite of how she got things done in canon. She intimidated men just like a guy villain would. Never used her looks. Never acted sultry or seductive. She got in their faces and told them they would die if they screwed up. It sets her apart from most female villains. Again, it kind of feels like you're changing certain things about her to make it easier for Zuko to find her attractive. You don't need to do that.

Miso is a great companion to Azula. He's not afraid of her and will call her out when needed. It's good to see a character she can't walk all over, and he seems like a fine OC on his own. Same with Saikura. They can really help move the story along and bring out other sides of the characters that aren't normally seen.

I really want to see Zuko talk to Roku. I don't think that's done very often, so you should go for it. The more you set yourself apart from other stories, the better.

I like how you're continuing to feature Lo and Li in the story. They're often dropped and forgotten, but they can be insightful or humorous or both.
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From ANON - Anon on September 30, 2013
It's good to see you're open to constructive criticism. There's room to improve for everyone, from the people who are just starting out to those who have been writing for years. Everyone could benefit from outside input. I've got a few things to point out, so I hope you feel I'm not cracking down on you too hard. It's not my intent. Rather, I'm hoping to help you grow and improve as a writer.

It feels like Azula is being rewritten in some ways. I know you're pairing them together, but you can do it without turning her into a total girl, like with the pink clothing. I'm not sure why you felt that was necessary? It's like Ty Lee is rubbing off on her for some inexplicable reason. The Azula in canon would not wear pink, or super revealing clothing. She spent over half the time in this really manly looking armor. The way she's coming across is overtly feminine, which is a huge change from how she behaves in canon. It doesn't really feel like I'm reading about Azula, but some other character with the same name half the time. Azula is actually kind of guyish in some ways, so this coquettish portrayal isn't working for me.

All the swearing is jarring, too, from both of them, but especially Azula. F-bombs? They're royalty. It just doesn't click. It's hard to imagine either of them talking like that. Just because it's an adult story doesn't mean they'd cuss all over the place. I have a hard time seeing it from Zuko, too, but Azula once again feels rewritten because her language is being taken so far out of character from what we see in the show. She doesn't even use that kid-friendly profanity like "monkeyfeathers" (obvious reference is obvious), so to jump to vulgarities is... off.

For the good: I like the inclusion of Lo and Li. No one ever writes for them. You have a good handle on having them finish each other's sentences. Good going. Although you had a few instances of typos and missed punctuation throughout, it wasn't distracting, and your description was usually solid. The basic plot feels like something that would fit into the Avatar universe.

Overall, I'd recommend paying special attention to characterization. Aside from the sexual content, here's something to keep in mind as you're writing: would X character say or do X thing in the show? If not, you might want to rethink it. Otherwise, Zuko and Azula start to come off as two OCs with the same names. Writing for pre-developed canon characters is hard because you're working with someone else's creations, and there's an established way they act. To deviate too far from that begins to feel increasingly detached from the original work. Since I suspect you want to preserve their personalities, I'm trying to offer suggestions on how to do that. It's not easy! The more developed a character is, the harder it is to retain that vision. I think you can make it work, though. You have potential.
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From kluesner on September 29, 2013
Nicely done. Do some more and we shall see.
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