Adult-FanFiction.org : Cartoons

Reviews for Ben Ten, He Saw It

By : Aysha

From Lunarsilver on August 12, 2018
That was amazing, do you take story request because I have one that involves ben and gwen

Report Review
From FairySlayer on May 28, 2016
Okay, I'm a few years late to the party, but what a party it was! The set up for Ben's happy accident was quite good and described deliciously. Then the descriptions of his mind failing plus his body not responding once he could thing again was spot-on for a young boy. Great job telling about the aftermath too, especially the good reasons for Gwen's anger to dissipate so much; though the parts about Ben's conflicted thoughts played quite well (and necessarily) into the story as well. Gwen's way to "make things even" was great and seemed innocent enough, and from there it's not hard to imagine her getting a bit carried away. (Literally too. :) )

Once they'd found a cozy spot to experiment it was pretty much non-stop awesomeness. The descriptions of Gwen's treatment of Ben and then his happy reciprocation were so delicious and real that just hearing it (I use text-to-speech) made me dizzy and sore. The bit about the kiss was pretty powerful stuff too, emotionally � but that's a lot of the fun and intrigue. Gwen giving her virginity to Ben was sweet and scary at the same time, and the realism of the blood was a great touch after to change the balance of power back. It also softened the cringe-worthy moment when Ben brought up the incident that had infuriated Gwen and wanted to use it, but *she* was the one who said any way he wanted�

So overall it was a well executed and wonderfully sexy story. Now, I think you're already aware that it could use some serious clean-up with the typos, but to be fair when I use TTS makes every little error pop out like a huge zit on prom night. (If you care to use it, you're welcome to the audio file, but most people find the settings I use rather grating.) Regardless, it doesn't take away from the tale and all its goodness.

Thanks for a fun and very sexy story. :)
Report Review
From NecroNOMNOMicon on April 01, 2016
WOW! That was... That was... That was intense! Very hot story! It was pretty long, but it did hold my attention. You have a gift for creating some very vivid imagery and effective descriptions. Your simile for the tearing of the hymen was hair-raising! This is a very engaging and well-written story! Bravo

Just one thing: I implore you to go back in and correct the spelling mistakes -- there are quite a few, and it interrupts the flow of the story. If you invest a little time in corrections, the story will be even better ;)
Report Review
From GrayNeko on January 25, 2015
Hey Aysha, your work has potential but the many spelling errors really breaks up the story's flow. Someone mentioned adding more details and that might help with the pacing of the work but shorter works usually don't have to worry too much about that.
Report Review
From GossamerSilverglow on August 13, 2013
�Ben had run until he collapsed to the ground totally exhausted.� To make it less wordy and could possibly even make it an easier read I would suggest making run �ran� instead. Like this: �Ben ran until he collapsed to the ground totally exhausted.�

They�re relatives? Incest!

Okay, I�m over it...(when I say this-I think I said it last review too-it just means I had an �ick� moment and then it stopped bothering me! *_-)

�Was it the feelings seeing her bent over like that had caused that made her so frightening?� This question is kind of a mouthful. I think it could be made better by adding �which� before �that� and �had�.

�The image of Gwen�s twat waving back �n forth flashed in front of his eyes again.� I don�t suggest abbreviating the �and� here with an �n�. I think you should change it.

�privet parts,� should be private.

��she�s his cousin how gross was that?� *Snaps fingers* Okay!

�A twinge of gilt at having yelled at Ben tightened her throat.� Gilt should be guilt.

��his rocks of staring at me.� Of should be off.

�� she was trying to convince herself to stay made at Ben.� Made should be mad.

�OW�� she yelled as her ass hit the ground. �WHY DON�T YOU WATCH�� Try to avoid cap locks.

�Is it possible?� he though.� Though should be thought. Also, when it�s thoughts, instead of putting them in quotations, I would suggest just italicizing them.

�You really want me to� He asked hesitantly.� There should be a comma after to and the h in he shouldn�t be capitalized.

There were less mistakes and this chapter actually seemed to flow a little better than the first chapter. Maybe it was because you�d pointed something out to me, or maybe it was because you wrote this chapter at a different time, whatever it was the writer was slightly better in this chapter than the first. So, good job! I�ll get to the last chapter as soon as I can. (I decided to just post this as a review instead of PM�ing you.)
Report Review
From GossamerSilverglow on August 04, 2013
Adultfanfiction.net Review Exchange: http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/topic/6375-this-is-a-review-exchange-thread/page-2

Chapter 1 only:

So the introduction is all run on. It�s kind of a choppy, never ending sentence. I would suggest rereading it and shortening it. Not only that, but add some detail other than the sexual ones. Like what color is the towel she grabbed for? How about some condensation on the mirror or the shower door, remnants from the hot shower? It doesn�t have to be a lot, a simple, well structured sentence goes a long way.

Anyhow here are some typos to correct: �Gwen stepped out of the shower wrapped her hear in a small hand towel and then rapped herself in a regular bath towel�� Comma after shower, hear should be hair, another comma after towel, rapped should be wrapped and there should be a period where I put the ellipses. When you�re listing two or more things each item should be separated with a comma. Next: �The bath towel was just wide enough to cover her from her small budding ten year old breast, to her just starting to widen hips, stopping about an inch below the line of her ass.� Noticed I capitalized the *T* in making it a new sentence. There should be a comma after �to cover her,� if only to make it flow better�fix those mistake and this sentence wasn�t that bad. It has a lot of potential.

�Gwen opened the bathroom door and walked out into the open living space of the rust bucket, knowing that Ben and gram paw hade each gown to do their own thing.� This sentence is telling us the living space is a rust bucket instead of showing us. As a reader, we don�t see what you see as a writer, so you have to describe it. I�ve never really heard of a living space as a rust bucket though, a pigsty maybe, but rusty? Maybe use a different word. The last part of the sentence goes way over my head and I can�t make any suggestions because I just don�t understand it. At first I thought you just misspelled grandpa (or maybe it was intentional?), but like I said, I�m just not sure.

�She hadn�t felt like going out so she had decided to stay and have a shower while the guys were gown; her shower had taken much longer than she had anticipated�� Gown should be gone. Be careful with your use of semicolons because sometimes it�s just an excuse to make the sentence unnecessarily long. I would suggest putting a period after anticipated and starting a new sentence with Ben. That sentence isn�t so bad either. It�s another one that shows some potential, but needs a few more descriptive words.

You use semicolons way too much. I find that if you can�t properly place it than a period usually works just fine. I�m guilty of using them too much and not even properly, so I know. Then a reviewer told me that bit of information and I�ve changed my ways. Now when I see it�s bothersome. Consider this suggestion.

�He took a few deep breaths*,* enjoying the feel of the cold air filling his lungs.� Nice. Sometimes a little description goes a long way!

�Ben turned into the living area expecting to see Gwen geeking out on her computer, instead for a short time he wasn�t sure what he was seeing.� I enjoyed the way you used �geeking� in this sentence.

�Whoa dude, she�s ten should she be cussing like that� was my first thought, but I�m guessing there isn�t going to be a giant time skip making her of age and that she�ll be having sex with Ben? I�m over it.

It feels like someone completely different wrote this next group of sentences: �It was a statement of fact and at the same time a venomous accusation, not a question. Her embarrassment had reached a level she had never known in her life, and Ben was just standing there, staring at her, and not blinking.� I was genuinely surprised after reading that and then I was stumped. If you can write like that I think maybe you need to go over the rest of chapter one and make it like that.

Overall, I�m not big on her being ten and I don�t remember seeing a loli (I assume that�s what this means) warning for this particular fic. I would suggest including it. Keep writing!
Report Review
From ANON - Anon on May 18, 2013
No way for Ben's dick to have a diamter of 3.5 inches. Circumference? Yes, on the large size considering his age but possible.
Report Review
From ANON - sailornemesis on December 21, 2012
Very hot. Good sex and passionate characters. You need some real editing and proof-reading to clean up words and spellings. But I still enjoyed it. Would like to see more chapters of this.
SailorNemesis
Report Review
From Bennetnelson on August 13, 2012
This is much better I have read this story literally dozens of times enjoying each and every part of it the way you wrote it seems like a natural day in the life of Ben 10 and I truly wish that you would make more I don't get what is up with all the benxkevin going on here.
Report Review
From ANON - james on July 31, 2012
I love your story it was great. I love Ben and Gwen fics. Your Ben and Gwen fic is #1 of all time.
Report Review
From ANON - logan on July 27, 2012
this was surprisingly awesome. You made the sex hot, but it also wasn't like what you normally find on here. You described the sex pretty solidly, used actual anatomy and really impressed me by not turning them into freaking porn stars. Losing her virginity was not a quick "Ouch" and followed by a rodeo routine and Ben wasn't so fantastically endowed that he would make Clydesdales turn away in shame at the sight of his genitalia. Writing virgins isn't easy, you go to far into realism and the sex isn't fun for either reader or participant, go the other way and it is feels so fake. You opted for a little more of the latter, but it wasn't so far that it made me roll my eyes. My only real criticism was that Gwen was a little out of character here. I realize that Gwen from the show would not be having incestuous relations with Ben on a log but if you write anymore of these you might try a bit harder to keep her in character, part way through she stopped feeling like Gwen; maybe it was in the dialogue as she used twat every other sentence. Aside from that, this rocked and I hope you do more. Maybe deal a little more into the forbidden attraction aspect as they have crazy sexual chemistry and tension, but would at least acknowledge that they are cousins and that what they are feeling isn't supposed to be right.

Thanks for the good read!
Report Review
From Bennetnelson on May 02, 2012
Wow amazing I would love to see more of this fic I seems like you could continue it in a sequal of how there summer goes after they admit their feeling just a thought
Report Review
From Bennetnelson on April 28, 2012
That was steamy I hope you make a sequal or at least make another story this was worth reading and I hope you update soon chow
Report Review
From goldlink on April 27, 2012
I thought the story was pretty good but a there were a lot of spelling errors but still a great story
Report Review
From MacGyver on April 26, 2012
I would love 2 see Gwen get pregnant
Report Review