Click Here!

Reviews for Team Alphanumeric: Mars Division

By : SSJ04Mewtwo
  • From ANON - Max Jordan on September 02, 2010
    It's nice having Huggy around. I think he could be a real voice of experience for the two, or at least carina. You know I doubt it would take Arinanna much effort to construct a translator so she could understand Huggy. Don't count Arianna out so easily. There's much more to her than her equipement.

    I'm not sure about the idea of finding Carina a mate, I mean isn't she still a teenager? Between Huggy and Arianna I'm sure they could come up with something to calm her down.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Max Jordan on September 01, 2010
    I like what you did here. Having Chaos on Earth will keep the main team busy, forcing Carina and Arianna to depend on themselves.

    Nice touch having Carina not understand Arianna's tech speak. That could provide some great comic relief as the girls drive each other up the wall. One thing about Arianna though. Remember, Tobey is her father, but there's some Violet in there, too.

    I have some thoughts and ideas for later chapters. I'll send those in an email.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Max Jordan on August 31, 2010
    Sorry but I haven't really been keeping up with the other story. I will check in on from time to time. But it's basically just an alternate universe redux of Team Alphanumeric and I've already been down that road. I like this chapter, though I do have three observations to make.

    First, and this is just me, but I think putting song lyrics in a story like this can be an iffy premise. It's alright if you have characters singing. But just inserting lyrics can be distracting, like putting a poem in the middle of the chapter of a book.

    Second I think you might have revealed Chaos a bit too soon here. The revelation of Tobey and Mr. Big's dads was enough on it's own. Revealing Chaos was a little bit of overkill. It might have been better to have Carina and Arianna deal with the two a while and have Chaos's reveal closer to the end of the season so to speak. That would have given time to charge up his powers. The whole thing seems a bit rushed.

    Finally I know this might be a bit difficult after just coming off of Team Alphanumeric, but try to remember that first and formost this is Carina and Arianna's story. I know these are special circumstances, but the two came to Mars to make their own names.

    It's ok to have the other characters show up occasional to support the two, that's what family is for after all. But if Carina and Arianna are ever going to be taken seriously they have to learn to stand on their own two feet. They can't rely on their parents to come in and save them all the time. It doesn't have to happen right away. But over time the two need to learn how to be more independant and handle their own problems.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Max Jordan on August 30, 2010
    Nice touch with Tobey's dad. It's about time Carina learns that crimefighting and being a superhero is not a game. As for your question. Well, let's just say that power like that never stays down for long. Oh it can be knocked down if you try hard enough, but keeping it down is another story. It would be right up his alley to manipulate people from the shadows, biding his time until he got enough of his strength back to strike. Even with Team Alphanumeric I've got a feeling that Carina has her work cut out for her.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Max Jordan on August 29, 2010
    Things are really heating up. This should get interesting. In regards to Carina behind hyper, remember some people are just like that. Oh in future Arianna might want to look into a pair of flight boots. Not that there's anything wrong with Carina giving her a lift now and then, but people might start to question a teenage girl flying around town with another teenage girl in her arms.

    As for who's behind this, the benefactor might seem like to be the big boss, but I get the feeling there's someone even higher pulling the stirngs. Someone who might be interested in spreading a little, chaos, around?
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Max Jordan on August 28, 2010
    A teenage girl on a new planet for the first time? You're lucky she's not bouncing off the walls. But if you want an example of how a teenage girl acts in a new situation I recommend a six issue mini series called Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures in the Eighth Grade. Now conveniently in trade paperback form at amazon.

    Strike at the heart, eh? I have a sneaking suspiscion who Big's mysterious benefactor is but I'll hold my tongue for now.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - DcBaBaZ1 on August 28, 2010
    Many people who deal with hardship on a regular basis develop a naive veneer in a (usually) subconscious effort to avoid attracting attention and pity. Carina may fall into this category; it certainly can't be pleasant to have your parents almost constantly under threat throughout the formative years of one's life, and Carina was unusually comprehending during this time as well.

    So that's the way it's going to appear if you want to make Carina's character a little deeper later on, and you keep her acting young now. I think she needs to 'grow up' quickly, myself, if we (the readers) are to relate to her character.

    Either that, or she is already so mature that she sees these patterns and she is able to disregard the whole thing, and just enjoy herself. There are plenty of options.

    I just stole that question about whether Carina's acting too much like a kid from Max Jordan. Sorry about that; he should feel free to answer as well.

    Sorry I haven't reviewed up until now, I only just noticed your Team Alphanumeric fic. By 'only just noticed' I mean a couple of weeks ago, but I just finished reading now... in my defense, it was long, and I was busy with other things.

    Incidentally, (that's a minor misuse of the word incidentally there, but I'm no Lexiconian so I'm allowed these lapses) I kept hoping, particularly at the start, that you would work in some terrible cross-disciplinary Maths/English puns, like hyperbole/hyperbolae, for instance. That isn't a suggestion, though, it might make it a little inaccessible for some readers.

    Just one last thing, your mistakes worsened toward the latter part of Team Alphanumeric, in terms of spelling. No need to get it perfect, but it's just irritating to see things like 'at tourney' for 'attorney' which could probably have been avoided by a brief glance in the spell-checker window to see that it should obviously be one word.

    One other last thing (yeah, that's paradoxical, I know): I've only realised just now as I write this review that Alphanumeric is a real word, not just something you made up. Which is great.

    One other last thing (...see above) - good work, I've enjoyed it so far.
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Max Jordan on August 27, 2010
    Well don't forget who Arianna's parents are. She'll have Tobey's robotics smarts as well. Pehaps she could use robotic devices to enhance her speed strength and aglity to better keep up with Carina. And her lyrical mind from Violet would come up with a creative name to describe that, say Quickstrike?
    Report Review

  • From ANON - Max Jordan on August 27, 2010
    And it begins. Nice little start so far, but Karategirl, really? Anyway I saw you started the other fic too. It's just fine if you want to do both, but are you sure you can handle two stories at once? I've done that before and trust me, it's not fun.
    Report Review

T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!