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Reviews for Avatar, The comets Roar

By : Scaredman
  • From RogueMudblood on December 12, 2011

    Please understand that I am very blunt. I do not know any other way to be. Therefore, take my comments in the light that they are intended, which is to help you to improve upon your writing.

    You start your story with a disjointed set of run-on sentences. This makes it very difficult to follow what is supposed to be happening here.

    You will also want to watch typos created via Word's auto-correct feature: gourd should be guard (as this is not a Veggietales crossover story).

    You will want to watch your verb tenses, and your extraneous use of the comma. You will want to capitalize proper nouns (this includes all character names). You will not want to capitalize mundane words that do not begin the sentence (ex: Well Except).

    Your OC Chen appears to be a Gary Stu. He's super-powered and in love with Azula. Though she previously spurned his advances and had him locked up on the charge of rape, once he has freed himself in your story, she welcomes him with open arms as he is abducting her.

    To be completely honest, this chapter reads as though it were a summary of the events you wish to happen in a greater story. I would suggest taking time to outline what events you want to occur, and what your OC's traits are. Bear in mind that any character who is akin to a god is generally uninteresting in fiction, unless he is a god in the mythos of the universe in which you are writing. No one finds entertainment in reading about a character with whom they have no affinity.

    I always recommend that writers have a beta. Betas are invaluable. They can help with plot, or just with the technicalities. They can help with character development - and by that, I mean pointing out plot holes or character weaknesses, or when your character is becoming "boring".

    You may peruse this forum to find those offering their services as a beta:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    You may make a post here in this forum to advertise that you are seeking a beta and what you are looking for them to do exactly for you:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/84-request-a-beta/

    Should you choose to continue this story, I would certainly suggest giving this chapter a heavy re-write, if for nothing else than to eliminate the run-ons that make it hard to decipher your meaning.
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