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Reviews for Mandy's Slave

By : InfiniteLeviathan
  • From ANON - none on December 31, 2006
    hhmmm.
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  • From ANON - mangafreak on November 08, 2006
    Chapter 2! Chapter 2! Chapter 2! Chapter 2! Chapter 2! Chapter 2! Chapter 2! Chapter 2! Chapter 2!
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  • From ANON - yuri man on October 21, 2005
    um.. WTF? oh what the hell... lesbo i like!!!!!!!!!!!
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  • From ANON - Hawk on October 09, 2005
    SUCKED?!?! Are you nuts or something that was kick ass you really need to do another one…I don’t really like Totally Spies! fan fics but I love this one you have to write another...and the S&M part was really good ;) wtg you have a winner here...thou you could leave out the whole Arnold wacking off thing but it was a nice touch aging great story
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  • From Racewing on July 14, 2004
    So, you finally did it. Fun, wasn't it? ^_^ Some words, though, if I may:

    The Good:
    - Bringing back the sweat perfume the way you did was actually a good idea, and I can't believe I didn't think of it. :P
    - As per usual for your stuff, this piece has a lot of lines that had me rolling, either out of genuine amusement, or because they're just that damn ridiculous. :D
    - You're good at keeping the Clover/Mandy rivalry-schtick intact throughout the entire thing, even in pseudo-romance. Props for that.
    - "Atomic blast." :D

    The Bad:
    - The unexplained change from "Mandy is Great" to "Mandy is God" is so much missed potential there. Did Arnold's "innocent club" turn into some sort of creepy cult overnight thanks to the perfume? What are their regular meetings like now? The new and improved M.I.G.'s given no character whatsoever.
    - ...work on your lemon technique, man. This is the big prob. Up until the "My one true love" line, this was approaching believable. However, IMO, once Clover gets sprayed, things go downhill real fast. The formatting goes to hell, punctuation takes a break, typo crap everywhere, people are yelling nonsensically every few lines, just about every copulative action (aside from, oddly enough, the ass-licking, which personally is very much not my thing -_-) is glossed over, and while I can see what you're *trying* to do and the character dynamic you're *trying* to convey, the whole thing comes off looking like a porn movie with a budget of $50, before taxes. I know I'm not the most hardcore writer in the world, but even on *fundamental* levels, pretty much everything past post-perfume-spray needs mucho touching up--perhaps even a complete redo.

    The Weird:
    - What would convince the crazy imprisoned perfume-lady to just give up the secret of her sweat machine like that? A promise of revenge? Power? Heck, Mandy's trust fund?
    - That whole "sweat perfume" thing is still the one of the grossest concepts ever created/used as a possible porn trigger, but that's as much Marathon's fault as yours. :)
    - Do me a favor and never, *ever* use "tight spy ass" again. ^_^;;

    The Verdict: First stories of this nature are never, ever easy. I know you try to keep a (however hackeneyed ^^) plot about your normal stuff--just 'cause this is NC-17 doesn't mean the rules change so far as story coherence goes--you're just adding sex, and a reason for it. (shrug) Heck, this story has potential, but try it from a slightly different angle, and about 500ccs more tact. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you wrote stream-of-thought here. If you do that again, go back over what you wrote (twice or three times if need be), and make it not look like that's what you did. :) If need be, hunt down some quality lemon stuff, and take some notes.

    YOU CAN DO EET!

    Green Racer out.
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  • From ANON - Tumbler on July 14, 2004
    Wonderful idea, Mandy mindcontrolling Clover. And those boys; hilarious.
    Keep up the good work L.
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