Your Typical Roast, Tough And Overdone

BY : pronker
Category: +M through R > Penguins of Madagascar
Dragon prints: 271
Disclaimer: I make no profit from this fanfiction set in Dreamworks' Penguins of Madagascar franchise, using its characters and settings. I do not own the franchise.

Title: Your Typical Roast, Tough And Overdone

Author: pronker

Era: Sometime after Kowalski reunites with his True Love, Doris The Dolphin

Summary: Sunny optimists like Marlene need to be careful what they wish for.

Setting: Atlantis, which functions an awful lot like the Gungan City of Otoh Gunga with a permeable bubble around it for air breathers.  It is populated with a mixture of species, such as humans, dolphins, and mermaids.  There are various hot tubs and pools "indoors" for mostly aquatic species, such as Doris', who can swim up to them from underneath the bubble. Decor?  Picture the Las Vegas MGM Grand Lobby Bar on an unlimited budget deep in the South Atlantic Ocean.

A/N:  Response to prompt "Mothers" on TheForceDOTnet.

Warning:  An all-convo fic.


"All right, you mothers, why is this otter crying?"

"Julien's cryin' too, Skippa."

"All right, you mothers, why is this otter and this lemur crying? Somebody, out with it!  Trafalgar's surprise, I go to the little penguins' room for five minutes and this is what happens!"

"Doris, you said Atlantis was the perfect venue for a roast, you said."

"Ko-walllllskkiiiiiii, how was I to know Marlene was so thin-skinned? Come on, buck up, kiddo!  This was supposed to be fun for my pod and me, sheesh.  Oh, for you and the lemur, too."

ngahgh ngahgh hic hic hic  "You dolphins are all m-meanies --- "

"Your Majesty, get a grip. Mort and I like you and your booty just the way you are.  Clover liked you the way you are."

"I mostly like your feet --- "


"I mean, I like all of your southern extremities --- "


"I like all of you!  I really, really mean it, King Julien!  And Maurice!"

"Kaboomdolfinz, 'Kippaaaahh?"

"Are you crazy, Rico? Don't answer that. A kaboom would pop this air bubble acropolis and we'd be in the drink fathoms below our tolerance of only one minute. Not pretty, and we'd never hustle ourselves, Marlene, Pinkie, and the lemurs inside our sub in time ---"

"Awww.  'Kay."

"Dolphin lady, your friends are not so friendly like. Why would dey insult my award-winningest booty?"

"You're soaking my feathers, Marlene.  Stop crying.  That's an order.  You, too, Ringtail."

"So, baby, it was your idea for a roast. Us flamingos know better than to ask for dissing from our flock.  You, girlfriend, are as transparent as that bubble wall behind you."

"You are saying to stop crying, fishy smelly bird?  B-But they broked my heart!  Let me show you.  Here, peek through my fur, see how it is brokener than broken?  Peek!  Do it!"

"Cover yourself, man!  Females are present!  And not for a bazillion Medals of Honor will I peek!"

"Bazillion is not a number, sir."

"It is in Atlantis, Kowalski."


"Worstest day of my kingly life!  I shall never be recovering!  Maurice, put me in my Royal Angst pose, with dabs arms.  Yes, like dat."

"All right, but I wish Phil hadn't shown you the Urban Dictionary website.  I could live without knowing what dabbing means."

"C'mon, y'all are waaaayyyy hatching this into an ostrich egg-sized omelet!  Julien, all Don Trickles said was that your booty was wider than J-Lo's --- "


" --- and Marlene, sweety, Tipsy Russell pointed out that your lone white foot was like a humongous zit that nobody can take their eyes off of --- "

"Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gasp aaaaaa wheeeeze aaaaaaaaaa hic!"

"Crikey, good job fixin' it, Pinkie."

"Mmmmmhm, so I see.  My bad.  Before y'all banhammer me, let me tell our hosts they put up one fine krill barbecue --- "

"You've said enough, hermana."

"I'll, I'll just chill in the sub."

"Correctamundo.  You will.  Don't touch anything in there.  Now, Marlene, get it together.  Ringtail, some dignity here, huh?"

"Ko-walllllskkiiiiiii, you got hip enough for me but your two friends here surely did not, wow what wim--- "


hic hic hic hic

"Way to fix things, Doris.  Why don't you and I take a romantic turn in the Pleasure Pavilion hot tup, I mean tub, see it through the Ming Moon Gate?  The farthest one from the roast? That's right, stand up on your tail in the water oh Botticelli's Venus you're gorgeous when you do that --- "

"I see it!  Come on, gang, let's go!  Meet you there, lover!  Bring your mojo!"

"Heh, yeah.  Wait, you and the other five roasters in your pod?  I meant only the two of us --- "

splash splash splash splash splash splash

"Kowalski, I wouldn't go near that sextet of salacious cetaceans even with Rico's flashbangiest bomb, but it's your call.  You just had to win Doris back, remember."

"Sir, I am prepared to take one for the team.  You have your flippers full here."

sob waiiiiillllll sob snort

sob sob hawk ptooey

"Let me send backup.  Six on one is hardly fair --- "

"I'll accept help gladly, sir!"

"Rico and Private, stick with Kowalski and don't do anything I wouldn't do.  Maurice and Mort, I can't order you to help.  You can steer the sub on the way back home if you do, though."

"Skipper, Mort and I are honored to be Honorary Commandos.  Pleasure Pavilion, here we come!  Private, why are you making faces at me --- oh.  Oh, right.  Er, um, Mort?"

"Yeeeeessss, Maurice?"

"As our King's right hand man, I'm assigning you an even more important sub-mission on the, uh, sub.  You go keep Pinkie company there, okay, and don't touch anything."


scamper scamper

"Good call, Maurice.  Kowalski, my gut tells me that six on four in a hot tub will work excelente.  We penguins operate in the shadows, so no Instagramming whatever goings on, er, go on in there.  All right, boys, take 'em by surprise from underneath.  No goosing allowed.  Honorary Boy, move out through the Moon Gate.  Report back at twenty-two hundred."

scurry splash splash splash

"Now then, you two."


sigh hic sigh

"Everybody's gone.  No more roasting the unwary and unassuming.  Happy?"

"I am feeling da stupid."

"Ringtail, you left yourself wide open for a crack, but I'll let it pass.  Chica?"

"I am now feeling the stupid, times five.  It was my idea, I dunno, it sounded like fun and I wasn't roasted alone-alone because Julien sniffle ---"

"You looked like you were having fun.  I left and what happened next, honey?"

"Atlantis happened, silly penguin.  How can someplace so sparkly be so mean --- "

"You're not my honey.  She is."


"Yeah, Skipper, I'm not so tough, I guess, it was okay when those six called me cute and naive --- "

"Which you are.  I've always said so, even before we --- "

"Payback!  I decree payback, some cutting remark about their dere smiles which mean diddly squash, man."

"That's the way their mouths are made, Ringtail.  Kowalski said so, and he has made an extensive study of their mouths and their ... capabilities."

"Doubly-dipped piffle."

"Ack!  Look at my reflection in the bubble wall over there!  I look awful!"

"Let's go to the hot tub with the others and I'll preen you pretty again --- what is that blob heading towards us --- is that our sub?  At ramming speed?  I told them not to touch anything!"

pop fizzle sploooooshhhhh bubble bubble sssszzzzhhhh ploof

"Payback!  Gotcha!" blub glub



And so passes Atlantis, yet again. 

By this time, though, Atlantean architects had designed their cities in clustered permeable bubbles rather than in one big structure, so this means only one got popped.

Everyone made it to the next building in the group, thanks to Doris and her pod.  The six cetaceans also diverted the sub to safety.

Skipper and his pals suffered the banhammer from ever returning to the fabled continent, though.  Atlantean officials remained firm on that point.


The End.

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