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The Miss Cutie Patootie Pageant	By : GeorgeGlass Category: +G through L > The Loud House Views: 35716 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: I do not own the Loud House or its characters. I made no money writing this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Chapter 2: Gimme Some Spice
Lincoln returned to his seat and saw that a microphone stand had been placed front and center on the stage. The house lights dimmed again.
Misty Mako returned to the stage, now wearing a lapel mic and holding a short stack of index cards. The seven contestants followed her, walking single-file, and then formed a line behind Misty as before. Now, instead of lingerie, all of them wore gowns, but these were clearly designed for maximum sex appeal. Some were backless, others left much of the girl’s upper chest exposed, and the skirt portion of Lola’s sparkling pink gown had a slit that ran almost up to her hip, exposing plenty of leg when she walked. Sadie Godiva’s gown was essentially a diaphanous violet wrap over a matching bikini.
“And now, ladies and gentlemen,” Misty announced, “it’s time for the question-and-answer competition.” She held up the index cards. “I have here seven questions that were devised earlier today by our three permanent judges. None of the contestants knows what the questions are, and the questions will be asked in random order.”
As if to reinforce this point, Misty shuffled the index cards as she looked back at the line of girls and saw which one was at the right-hand end.
“Cat Wylde will answer the first question,” Misty said.
The girl swept a few strands of her wild faux-blonde hair out of her face as she came up to the mic, wearing a black, backless velvet gown—and a pair of spiked bracelets that went surprisingly well with it. Lincoln saw the other judges nodding and guessed that Cat was known for being good at this event. Cat adjusted the mic stand to her height.
“Cat,” Misty said, “tell us about one of your hobbies.”
With scarcely a pause, Cat replied, “Well, Misty, one of my favorite hobbies is riding.”
To no one in particular, Buck whispered, “That’s my girl.”
“There’s nothing I like better,” Cat continued, “than having a big, powerful animal between my legs. It’s all about getting into a rhythm, and when he moves and I move with him, I feel like I never want to stop.”
Lincoln swallowed. Even the eleven-year-old boy couldn’t miss the blatant double entendres in Cat’s words.
“When I’m done riding,” Cat went on, “even though I’m exhausted, and sweaty, and sticky, I always feel warm inside. And it’s never very long before I want to do it again.”
Cat stepped back from the mic, and there was plenty of applause and hooting from the audience.
“Thank you, Cat,” Misty said.
Misty went down the line of girls, bringing them to the microphone one by one and asking a different question of each girl. Invariably, each question elicited an answer loaded with double entendre that even Lincoln found unsubtle. When Misty asked Kimmy Cuddle to talk about an achievement she was proud of, the pigtailed black girl’s remarks about studying “very hard” and “trying to take it all in” were a thinly veiled description of Kimmy’s first experience with anal sex. Polly Prancer, when asked what makes her happy, talked about her love of dance in a way that was clearly meant to express her penchant and talent for having intercourse in a variety of positions. Minnie Barr stumbled a bit when she was asked to talk about her best friend, but she covered her mistakes by assuming an adorably childish speech pattern as she used a series of unartful metaphors to describe losing her virginity to the family dog.
Then it was Lola’s turn at the mic. As the little blonde adjusted it to her height, Misty pulled the next index card from her stack.
“Suzi,” Misty said, “tell me about someone special in your life.”
“Well…” Lola replied, smiling sweetly, “one very special person in my life is my Uncle Herb.”
Lincoln’s eyebrows rose a few millimeters.
“Uncle Herb is very sweet,” Lola continued. Then she grinned. “Sometimes, I just want to lick him like a popsicle.”
She giggled innocently, over the approving murmurs of the audience. Lincoln shuddered and tried to remember that “Uncle Herb” was not him, but just a character he was playing.
“And we’re very close,” Lola went on. “It’s just so easy for me to open up to him. And I know he loves me deeply-” she subtly thrust her hips forward “-and that just makes me feel so good inside that I could scream.”
“Heh heh,” Pops chuckled quietly. “Atta boy, Herbie.”
Lola concluded, “I’d do anything for him. And that’s why my Uncle Herb is so special to me.”
The audience applauded vigorously as Lola returned to the line. It seemed to Lincoln that “Suzi” was already becoming a crowd favorite.
Sadie Godiva was up next. Q & A clearly wasn’t her best event; when asked about her greatest ambition, she fumbled quite a bit as she implied that she hoped one day to strip naked in front of a huge crowd. There was only polite applause as Sadie returned to the line of girls.
Lolly Pop was up last. “Lolly,” Misty asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be a teacher for young girls,” Lolly replied confidently. “I have a lot of valuable life skills that I want to pass on.” She punctuated this sentence with a long, slow, and suggestive suck of her lollipop.
“A young girl needs to be open to new things,” Lolly went on, “even if they’re big and intimidating. And she should always try her best, even when she’s down on her knees. Especially then, in fact.” The audience hooted.
“A girl needs training so that she’ll never choke under pressure, even when life grabs her by the hair and goes to town on her. I want to help girls learn to swallow it all, and come back for more…just like I do.”
She took one last lick of her lollipop, making a single quick swirl of her tongue around its red head, then stepped back from the mic. The audience applauded as loudly for her as it had for Lola.
When the applause died down, Misty said, “We’re going to take a short intermission now, and then we’ll be back for the final event of the night: the dance competition!”
The audience applauded, and then many of them filed out to visit the bar or the restroom. Lincoln finished jotting down his scores, then got up and again headed backstage.
***
Lola was in the dressing room with some of the other girls, changing out of her gown so that she could put on her outfit for the dance competition. Leni took the gown from Lola and put it on a hanger.
“How come I’ve never met your Uncle Herb?” the older sister asked. “He sounds really nice.”
Lola, not wanting to try to explain things to Leni in front of the other contestants, simply replied, “I’ll make sure to introduce you.”
“Thanks!” Leni replied brightly, and went off to hang up the dress.
Just then, Lolly Pop walked in and started stripping off her rather tight-fitting evening gown. Lola had been impressed with Lolly’s quick thinking during the Q & A and decided to say something about it.
Just because I’m going to destroy these girls and crush their dreams into paste doesn’t mean I can’t be a good sport about it, she thought.
“Nice work out there,” Lola said. “You can really think on your feet.”
Lolly was half a head taller than Lola, but she didn’t even bother bending her neck to look down at the smaller girl; instead, her eyes swiveled downward so that she was literally looking down her nose at Lola.
“Kissing my perfect ass won’t make me go any easier on you, kid,” Lolly replied. “I’m here to win, not make friendship bracelets.”
With perverse joy, Lola thought, Well, I tried. A shark-like smile spread across her face.
“Kissing it isn’t what I have in mind,” the blonde girl replied, making a subtle but threatening gesture with her foot. “See you on the dance floor, Pixie Cut.”
***
When Lincoln arrived backstage, he found Lola sitting on the floor, bending forward with her legs apart. She was grunting as Lynn pushed down on her shoulders, deepening the stretch. Lola was wearing a kind of full-body leotard that had sleeves and pant legs, which Lincoln found surprisingly modest compared to the other outfits he’d seen tonight.
“Remember,” Lynn was saying, “you’re up last, so you’ve gotta stay warm and loose until it’s your turn. If you cramp up, you’re dead meat.”
“Got it,” Lola grunted.
“And you can’t run out of juice out there. Get your energy from the fans- I mean, the audience. They came here to see awesome, so if you give them awesome, they’ll cheer their heads off for you.”
“And your set’s ready to go,” a familiar voice said from behind Lincoln. He turned around and saw Lana, although she was a little hard to recognize; not only was she wearing an all-black version of her usual outfit, but she had opted to put grease and mud on her face. “I can have that thing together in a jiffy,” she added.
Lincoln had come backstage to talk to Lola, mainly to reassure himself that Lola’s remarks on stage were not in any way about him. But he couldn’t bring himself to bother Lola with his issues right now, when she obviously needed to focus on her upcoming performance.
“Good luck,” he said, then headed for the backstage exit—only to find himself right in front of Misty Mako, who was just emerging from her dressing room.
“Oh, hi!” Misty said. “You’re Suzi’s Uncle Herb, right? It’s nice to meet you.”
Lincoln’s feelings at that moment were a tangled mess: finding himself face to face with one of the most gorgeous girls he’d ever seen, worrying about what she thought of him after hearing Lola’s speech, and, beneath all of that, fearing that “Uncle Herb” would be exposed as an eleven-year-old boy, which would probably get Lola disqualified and blow this whole thing.
But these anxieties were such a mess in his head that somehow, his brain couldn’t fixate on any one of them. It was as though his anxiety was spinning its wheels, leaving the more rational parts of his mind free to act.
“Nice to meet you, too,” Lincoln said in the most adult tone of voice he could manage. “You’re doing a great job out there.”
“Thanks!” Misty replied. “That’s so nice of you.”
“I could be nice to you all day,” Lincoln heard himself say.
Startled by his own words, Lincoln had to restrain himself from slapping his hand over his own mouth. He briefly feared that Misty was about to do some slapping herself.
But instead, she just smiled at him. Not a phony, pageant-queen smile, but a genuine, aren’t-you-sweet smile. Living with both Lola and Leni had taught Lincoln the difference.
A chime sounded from the auditorium, indicating that the show would be starting again in a few minutes.
“I guess you’d better get back to your seat,” Misty said. “You don’t want to miss a minute of the dance competition. It’s gonna be epic.”
“I do love anything epic,” Lincoln replied. “See you later!” Then he hustled back to his seat.
***
The house lights went down, and Misty Mako returned to the stage—alone this time.
“Welcome back!” she said. “The dance competition is one of the highlights of the Miss Cutie Patootie Pageant, and this year, we’ve got some little dancers who are going to knock your socks off. To speak only of your socks.” The audience chuckled.
“So first on stage tonight, performing her special ribbon dance, we have…Polly Prancer!”
Lincoln was a little relieved. He knew what a ribbon dance was supposed to be like, so maybe he’d be able to judge this performance on its merits.
Misty left the stage, and Polly Prancer came on. The ponytailed Asian girl was holding the traditional ribbon-on-a-stick, but her outfit wasn’t traditional at all. In fact, it was basically another ribbon, shiny red and wrapped around her body such that it went once around her chest and then downward in two strands, forming a V shape over her stomach that came to a point at her crotch. Lincoln figured that Polly probably had on the least amount of material that one could wear and still be considered legally clothed. And maybe not in every state.
Music began to play over the auditorium speakers: a classical piece with plenty of crescendos and dramatic pauses. Polly was clearly a highly trained and talented dancer, and her performance combined traditional ribbon-dance moves, such as leaping through the air with the ribbon trailing behind her in an arc, with rather less traditional ones, like rolling on the floor so that the ribbon was draped artfully over her tight, well-toned bottom, and taking hold of the ribbon in both hands and running it between her legs as she gave the audience a saucy smile.
When it was over, the applause, whistles, and catcalls clearly indicated to Lincoln that the audience had enjoyed the performance. Having few other criteria to go on, Lincoln decided to use the audience’s reaction as his guide to how the score each girl’s dance. He gave Polly an eight out of ten.
Brad Bradford looked at the other judges and said, “Looks like the bar’s been set high, boys.” Lincoln nodded in agreement.
As Polly left the stage, two stage hands dressed all in black came out and quickly set up a brass pole that extended all the way up beyond the top of the proscenium. At the same time, Misty returned to the stage.
“Wasn’t that wonderful?” she said. “Now, for our next performance, doing a not-quite-traditional pole dance…Cat Wylde!”
Cat came on stage wearing a white robe. When heavy metal music began to blare, she hurled the robe away to reveal the outfit underneath: basically a black leather bikini. As the audience cheered, Cat grabbed the pole and began variously swinging around it, using it to support herself while she raised one leg in the air in a standing split, and grinding her crotch against it suggestively. Lincoln realized that this must be the sort of dance that Daisy Darling had literally fallen on her face doing, and he hoped Cat wouldn’t meet the same fate. She did flub a couple of moves, but not injuriously, to Lincoln’s relief.
For the finale, Cat climbed up the pole to the highest point that Lincoln could see. Then she slowly slid down again in a controlled spiral. She touched down just as the song ended, and she stepped away from the pole and took a bow to substantial applause.
Lincoln wasn’t entirely comfortable at having just watched two girls who were at least four years his junior perform dances that wouldn’t even be appropriate for girls four years his senior. Yet he couldn’t help but be impressed with their skills, and he wondered what Lola and the other girls could do that would be competitive with the acts he’d seen so far.
The next acts were all different from one another, but all carried a similar erotic charge. Kimmy Cuddle, dressed in a red leotard whose material was so thin as to show off her little bubble butt in perfect detail, did a modern dance that involved a fair amount of contortionism. This included folding herself up in a way that showed off her bottom to the audience while simultaneously demonstrating that Kimmy could easily perform oral sex on herself if she were so inclined.
Sadie Godiva, wearing a blue string bikini that showed even more skin than Polly Prancer’s ribbon costume, came on stage holding two large, feathered fans that she used to alternately hide and reveal her body to the audience as she danced. Near the end of her act, when she swept one of her fans upward from in front of her waist, her pinky finger snagged the fabric of her tiny bikini bottom and pulled it aside, briefly exposing the puffy, hairless cleft between her thighs. As the audience hooted and hollered, the girl mouthed “Oops!” and casually brought the fan back down to cover herself.
As Sadie walked off the stage, Brad Bradford turned to the other judges.
“That’s a two-point penalty for Sadie,” he said. “Unless any of you fellas think that was really an accident.” All of the judges, Lincoln included, shook their heads no.
Lincoln wondered why this assemblage of pedos would have a problem with a contestant showing off her prepubescent body. Then it occurred to him that everything he’d seen so far was probably at least arguably legal, but encouraging underage girls to get naked on stage definitely wouldn’t be. Maybe that was why this pageant hadn’t been shut down years ago.
Next up was Minnie Barr. She wore the only costume so far that actually appeared age-appropriate—a frilly little blue dress—as she toddled onto the stage, dragging a teddy bear that was almost her size. The sight elicited a collective “Awwww” from the audience. When the music started, she waltzed with the bear, drawing more sighs at her cuteness.
But then the music changed to a Latin piece with a sensual rhythm, and Minnie squatted down and rolled backward, spreading her legs wide open and pulling the bear on top of her. While the audience hollered its approval, Minnie grasped the teddy bear’s hips and made the stuffed animal hump her while she thrust her own hips up in rhythm with the bear’s. Minnie then rolled forward, climbing on top of the bear and straddling its hips, where she gyrated raunchily while the audience hooted. Finally, she got onto her hands and knees, yanked her skirt up to expose her frilly white panties, and pulled the bear onto her back; then she held onto its wrists to keep the bear in place while she rhythmically shoved her little bottom back against its crotch. The movements weren’t very realistic—it was obvious that the bear was simply the passive recipient of Minnie’s butt-thrusts—but the audience cheered Minnie for the attempt.
She could call that act “Bearly Legal,” half of Lincoln’s brain thought.
Shut up, Inner Luan, his other cerebral hemisphere replied.
By this point, Lincoln was starting to feel a little faint from shock—both at the acts he had just witnessed and at the hardness that was growing in his pants despite how wrong all of this was. But there were two acts left to go, including Lola’s, so he took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm down by focusing on his scoring sheet. All of the acts since the first had been very creative, albeit in a disturbing way, but each girl had made a few noticeable mistakes. In Lincoln’s mind, Polly Prancer’s ribbon dance was still the act to beat.
“Well,” Misty Mako said as Minnie towed her bear off the stage, “you don’t see that every day. Now I’m going to have to go looking in the attic for my old teddy bear.” The audience reaction was a mix of chuckles and whistles.
“And now, for our next performance,” Misty went on, “we have a brand-new dance from our 2017 runner up…Lolly Pop!”
A hip-hop tune began to play, and Lolly came skipping onto the stage in time to the music. She wore a red plaid shirt that was knotted well above her navel, but the more eye-catching item in her wardrobe was her red micro-miniskirt, which was so tight as to show off the little Latina’s ass in exquisite detail. The crowd cheered at the sight, and then Lolly began a sexy hip-hop dance as a rapping female voice was added to the melody of the song.
I don’t wanna be stuck in a rut
Watchin’ TV and eatin’ doughnuts
But every plan I got, you undercut
‘Cause you always say “but”
On the word “but,” Lolly turned sideways to the audience and thrust out her ass while grinning naughtily. The hoots and whistles in the auditorium were loud, and they grew louder as Lolly went into full-on twerking during the next verse.
But we’ve gotta work, no time to play
But that’s not a ladylike thing to say
But you shouldn’t go out dressed that way
But you’re much too young for a roll in the hay
With the last line, Lolly dropped to the floor, rolling sideways with her legs open wide so that the audience had a brief but clear view of the lacy white panties beneath Lolly’s ultra-short skirt. Then she neatly rolled onto her feet and resumed her rhythmic hip-hop dance. A few people in the audience started clapping along to the beat, and soon, everyone was doing it.
I wanna twerk and bump and strut
Maybe even act like a total slut
And every single time, no matter what
You always say “but”
Lolly resumed twerking, this time turning her back to the audience to give everyone a good look at her shaking booty through the next verse.
But you shouldn’t play such a dirty song
But you should wear a one-piece, not a thong
But you can’t mess around all day long
But don’t touch yourself like that, it’s wrong
Lolly stopped twerking and began to undulate her body sinuously, like a belly dancer, as the woman on the recording switched from rapping to singing.
I’ve got a way to change your mind
Better keep up or get left behind
Saying yes is more fun than saying no, you’ll see
It’s time to loosen up and come play with me
Lolly resumed her sexy hip-hop dance, and the voice on the recording went back to rapping.
Let’s turn on a camera and shoot some smut
I’ll make you feel good ‘til you bust a nut
We’ll keep our minds open and keep the door shut
And we’ll never say “but”
The song ended on the last word, just as Lolly turned around and bent all the way forward to give the audience one last look at her ass. The shouts, whistles, hooting, and applause were raucous. Lincoln, still basing his ratings entirely on audience reaction, decided that he was going to have to give Lolly Pop a nine out of ten.
Backstage, Lola watched from the wings as Lolly finished her act and left the stage. The olive-skinned girl passed by Lola on her way to the dressing room
“Wow,” Lola said. “You commissioned an original song. I wish I’d thought of that.”
Lolly smiled haughtily. “Yeah, well-”
“Or did I?” Lola cut in. Lolly’s smile faded.
***
“Wow!” Misty Mako said, walking onto the stage as Lolly straightened up and strutted off. “That was really something. I’m going to have to try out some of those moves myself.”
While Misty was speaking, the two black-clad stage hands carried a set of black cases onto the stage. Lincoln recognized them as the ones Lana had brought with them to the hotel.
The two stage hands retreated. Then the black-clad Lana, still with grease and mud on her face and with some of her unruly blonde hair protruding from beneath her black ball cap, zipped onto the stage, threw open the cases, and got to work. With exceptional speed, Lana assembled what appeared to be a full-size jungle gym, save that its bars were made of polished brass instead of steel.
“So,” Misty said just as Lana tightened the last bolt, “for our final act, we have what’s obviously going to be a very original dance number by…Suzi Spice!”
The crowd applauded. A hard-rock song began to play, and Lola cartwheeled onto the stage. Then she leaped up onto the jungle gym and began swinging around its outer bars like they were stripper poles as the lyrics kicked in.
Listening to the singer’s voice, Lincoln thought, Is that…Luna?
Ever since I can remember I’ve always been good
Doin’ nothing that I shouldn’t and ev’rything I should
But lately I’ve been feelin’ like a prisoner in a cell
Trapped inside a shell that’s become my own hell
With the last two lines, Lola went inside the jungle gym, grasping its bars and shaking at them as if she were indeed imprisoned inside.
I wanna break free and step out into the sun
Being good was fine, but now I think I’m done
Bein’ what everybody else wants me to be
Now I’m gonna be me, but there’s one thing I need
As Lola leaped out of her “cage,” Lincoln saw the fabric of her sleeve catch on one of the bars. He felt a jolt of fear go through him, scared that this would ruin Lola’s costume or worse, cause her to hurt herself. But when the sleeve tore away cleanly from Lola’s outfit, Lincoln realized that this was part of the act.
Lola swung herself up the middle level of the jungle gym, her other sleeve tearing off in the process. Then, like a gymnast, Lola put her hips against the horizontal bar in front of her and spun all the way around it, tearing off the midriff of her costume as the song’s chorus kicked in.
Gimme some spice, I’m tired of bein’ nice
I need a little less virtue and a little more vice
Gimme some spice, I’ll pay any price
No more playin’ safe, it’s time to roll the dice
Lola pulled herself up onto one of the jungle gym’s topmost bars. She sat on the bar for a split second, then fell over backwards, making the audience gasp. The legs tore off Lola’s costume as she slid off the bar, and when she caught the bar below her and swung around it, everyone could see that her tight pink pants had become tight pink short-shorts.
I got plenty of sugar, now I need somethin’ with kick
A little of your hot sauce oughta do the trick
Gas up my engine, ‘cause I’m ready to ride
Get my hair dyed, throw my thighs open wide
Lola swung all the way up and around the bar again, this time opening her legs wide so that the audience could see every detail of the little girl’s peach through the thin pink fabric. The crowd screamed with delight.
Gimme some spice, I’m tired of bein’ nice
I need a little less virtue and a little more vice
Gimme some spice, it’s worth any price
Give me what I need and I’ll show you paradise
Now on the middle level of the jungle gym again, Lola went back to swinging around the vertical bars like they were stripper poles. Her top caught on one of them and mostly tore off, leaving only an inch-wide strip of fabric covering the girl’s nipples.
I wanna be a bad girl, flash my stuff around the world
Sit in lots of boys’ laps, gettin’ drunk on peach schnapps
Let ‘em touch me everywhere, let ‘em do me on the stairs
Get my freak on on the lawn, do it ‘til the break of dawn
The audience cheered wildly, both because of the lyrics and because Lola, pausing mid-twirl, had just reached back and ripped off most of her costume’s bottom, leaving her in what was essentially a pink thong. She flashed a big smile and climbed to the top of the jungle gym as the final chorus played.
Gimme some spice, I’m tired of bein’ nice
Givin’ up my virtue won’t be a sacrifice
Gimme some spice, I don’t need no advice
I’ll be the baddest bad girl and never think twice
Lola reached the top of the jungle gym and fell forward down the metal structure’s center, eliciting another gasp from the audience. She caught one of the bars, swung all the way around it, then let go and did a full flip in the air before landing on her feet at the foot of the stage right as the song ended.
The crowd went bananas, clapping and hollering as loudly as they had all night.
“I do believe we have a winner,” Lincoln heard Buck say as the man jotted down his score—a 10—for Suzi.
Lola took a bow, and the applause and cheers intensified.
“Wow!” Lincoln heard Octavio exclaim. “Suzi Spice may be new, but she’s a pro!”
“Yeah,” Stan agreed. “She’d sure give Daisy Darling a run for her money!”
For just an instant, Lincoln saw Lola’s beaming smile fade. Then, as members of the audience began standing up and continued to applaud her, the smile came back full force, and Lola took another bow before gracefully exiting stage right.
“What a way to end the night!” Misty shouted as she came back on stage. “Let’s have a big hand for all our contestants!”
There was a long round of applause. Then Misty said, “I hope to see you all tomorrow afternoon for the second half of the 2018 Miss Cutie Patootie Pageant! Thank you and good night!”
***
“Lo- Suzi!” Lincoln cried when he found his sister backstage—wearing a dress, much to his relief. “That was amazing!” His voice dropped low as he continued, “I don’t ever want to see it again, but-” he went back to full volume “-it was amazing! Where did you learn all that gymnastics stuff?”
Lola pulled Lincoln aside. “Lynn’s been coaching me. We’ve been practicing at the playground for weeks.”
“Wow, that must have been hard to learn.”
“There were some mistakes at the beginning. Let’s just say it’s a good thing my front teeth are already missing.”
Lincoln’s eyes goggled as he asked, “And how in the world did you get Luna to write you a song like that?”
“I, um, told her it was for a friend’s single mom,” Lola explained, “who works nights as an exotic dancer so her daughter can get that spleen transplant she needs. It’s a really sad story,” she finished with mock melancholy.
“I don’t think spleen transplants are a thing,” Lincoln replied.
“Well, I- Oooh, wait!” Lola exclaimed. “We need to hurry back to the room! We’ve got prep to do!”
“Prep? I thought we were done for the day.”
Lola gave Lincoln a sly smile and said, “Not even close.”
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The Miss Cutie Patootie Pageant