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Reviews for Submission

By : Lennox
  • From inaba on November 21, 2020

    Hi I just read your story and have to say I loved the plot.. but I hope you don't mind if I give some constrictive criticisms about it's pacing.

    the first point I would like to make is in the flash back to the sleepover with the three girls, this scene felt rushed in the start and could have even been stretched out into a full captor about how Stitch handled all three.

    Did Lilo some how split them up in the house and let Stitch hunt them down?

    Did they some how incapacitate them so he could take his time and rape each one?

    however they handled the glossed over event it this scene melted back to Mertle at the door quite well.

    the second point I'd like to make is Mertle's submission scene where she gave in and ate out her former friends, having it be dark by the time she finished with out giving a time of year means it could have been any where from 5:30 to 9:00 at night. this made the scene feel empty really but the "till dark" was removed or a time frame given it wouldn't feel so long. it could have also been padded and paced by a side scene describing Stitch fucking Lilo's throat ( or even Nani's ) behind Mertle's back or in the kitchen as not to distract the new bottom bitch from proving her self.

    I actually toke a little more pleasure from filling out the unincluded possibilities then the story it's self.

    lastly I would like to say that I know it's a one shot and it is good as one but making it a two shot where in the second captor Mertle has gained some forgiveness from Lilo and Stitch would be nice.

    I know I'm over stepping now but I'd like to offer up a possible scene for a second chaptor.
    Stitch could arive at Mertle's home ( as she's thinking of the forgiveness she's erned and how she loved erning it ) for some passionate, if a little forced, love and her mother could walk in on them or eavesdropping from the hall way. ether way after he's finished with her Mertle could tell her mother she can join or pretend it's not happening.


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  • From TheAllSeeingEye on September 11, 2019

    that was very good! hope to see this continue


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