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Pippychick,

AFF Archive Moderator

I have really enjoyed the story.  I can't wait until the next chapter comes out.  I spent all of my free time reading the last couple of days. The sex is good but the plot is great.  Thanks for the story and please keep writing.  :)

I wanted to say that I really like the direction you've taken the main relationship. It doesn't just feel like a setup for a bunch of porn scenes; it feels at least somewhat realistic. The doubts and insecurities of all three characters have a bit of weight to them, which makes how they're going to deal with things in the future all the more intriguing.

I'm looking forward to more of your stories.

My comments on chapter 5 (SPOILERS below):
-Some of Star’s dialogue with Tom seems a little stilted, like when she says, “Maybe I am indeed a bad person.” IMO, that doesn't quite sound like her.
-It's nice to see a different, non-asshole-ish side of Tom. (And you gave him a last name!) But I should have known he'd return to his seductive ways before long.
-I liked your description of Tom's eyes as “opaque windows to an inscrutable soul.”
-I also liked Tom's line, “I don't need you to love me, or even to like me, just to want me.” It suggests that Tom knows what is a realistic hope and what isn't. (And yet even that hope is dashed, and it is gratifying to see that he feels genuine pain when it happens.)
-The way that Star cycles through roles and partners in her mind while she's having sex with Tom is interesting​, not least because it makes me even more curious about what Star really desires in her heart of hearts.
-The ending seems abrupt. Marco shouting Star's name when he is with Jackie seems like too big a revelation to have so little lead-in. It would have been interesting to see what was going on in Marco's mind in the moments leading up to that one.

In any case, looking forward to the next chapter.

Chapter 4 may not have been porny, but it certainly was interesting, not least because it is more integrated with an episode of the show than any of the previous chapters. Some additional thoughts:
—I liked Star’s little argument with herself about how to act around Marco when he came back the next morning.
—The mention of Janna's pink bed sheets was gratifying, given the girl's secret fondness for pink.
—The revelation about Ferguson’s secret love of furry porn puts his desire to be the school mascot in a whole new perspective.
—The big one: One of the signs of a good writer is the ability to subtly get you thinking in a certain direction and then, while you're still thinking, take you in that direction. Star’s thought at the end that it would be less painful to see Marco kiss Jackie if Marco had meant to hurt her, about how much easier it would be to deal with if Marco were an asshole, had me thinking, “Oh man, this would sure be a bad time for Tom—asshole extraordinaire—to show up.” And then bam, there Tom was. Well played, sir.

Some comments on chapter 3 (spoilers below):
-I noticed some language issues; will PM you about those.
-Nice use of the phrase “reckless and irresponsible” early in the chapter to evoke the very first episode of the show.
-I enjoyed the way that Star and Marco beat around the bush when Marco talks about his dreams, so that it takes a while to get the answer to Star's real question: whether Marco ever has sex dreams about her.
-I LOLed when Heakpoo showed up and summoned the big bucket of popcorn.
-Good twist having it be Star’s dream instead of Marco's. (Or maybe a shared dream with Marco? I suppose we'll find out.)
-I'm intrigued by Jackie's musings at the end about Marco and Star, and what's behind those feelings (particularly given Jackie's confirmation in that same scene that she's not into girls). I have to wonder whether this might result in a happy ending for all parties.

this is one amazing story and i can't wait to see more

Chapter 2:

I like the idea of Star wanting to be punished; it seemed in character for her. But I also was pleased that Star didn't fall for Tom's attempt to seduce her in a moment of weakness.

I had never considered the potential erotic applications of Hekapoo's self-duplicating ability, so I enjoyed her one-woman foursome with Marco -- and that she could do it while yet another copy was speaking with Star. (In that scene, I also liked Star’s little joke to herself about “arose.”)

I did notice some language problems; I'll PM you about those. Also, the use of “I mean” outside of dialogue was confusing and, thus, distracting, because the reader doesn't know who is speaking.

Nonethless, I will enjoy reading on.

This is amazing. I love how you fit everything around the events of the episodes. I hope that keeps up for Face the music and Starcrushed. Everyone feels in charcter. On that note, Tom's an asshole. He is just the worst and I love it.  

another great chapter im loving how the story is coming together.also there were a few spelling errors here and there anyway keep up the great work

Just finished chapter 1 -- a promising start. I like the onslaught of emotions that Star feels as she watches Jackie, from admiration to jealousy to attraction and back again. I was a tad surprised that Jackie didn't take offense at Marco's "Do you do this often?" question, but on reflection, Jackie IS fairly unflappable. And Marco's stammering response to Jackie's version of the question was hilarious and a perfectly in character. The bit about Marco using Star's bras to practice unhooking one shocked me a bit, chiefly because I thought Marco's boundaries were better than that, but on the other hand, it was cool to see that the bad-boundary problem isn't Star's alone. And the part right after that, where Star says that no teenager has the right to be as cool as Jackie is being during her first time, was absolute gold (because it's exactly what I was thinking, too).

As for the sexy bits, Jackie telling Marco exactly what she was going to do with him was especially hot -- and probably compliant with California's "Yes Means Yes" law. :) And for whatever reason, I just loved Star yelling "Just fuck already!" And the ending was great: Not only was Star's vicarious-sex experience sexily creative, but I liked the fact that it showed us where she draws the line in her voyeurism.

I did notice several errors that spellcheck can't catch (eg, shinning for shining, relieve for re-live, jealously for jealousy) and some phrases with extra or missing words (eg, "messed everything again," “a lot a more composure”). (If you want, PM me and I'll give you a complete list.) But these didn't get too much in the way of the fun.

I'm glad I saw your review response thread on the AFF forums and learned of this story's existence. Looking foward to reading on!

im loving this story so far and would love to see more of it,it would be awesome if you could have more hekka poo im a big fan of hers and there isn't enough of her around on the net unfortunately. also there were a few spelling errors here and there anyway keep up the great work im looking forward to more of this story.

Continue 

That was the best SVTFOE story i have read on this site hope you keep it going man