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Reviews for Flames of Love (full title inside)

By : AkariTenshi

From ANON - Lo on March 04, 2011
I love this please update it
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From ANON - Hmmm on May 01, 2010
I can't say that I want to read anymore. I have to agree with everything Critic said (except for how shitty Spleefmistress' fanfics are, since they're good and some of my favorite stories) Z mean, I honestly can't say anything much here that Critic hasn't already said, and he is spot-on about the Mary Sue thing.

The only thing I can add is that it makes no sense for Hikari to be blind in both eyes (if I read your story right, it got confusing at times even though it was short) and she offered herself as a slave? I assume that since you posted it here on AFFNet, you intend for this slavery to include some sex, but I can't think of any possible reason why this Avatar-eaque character would offer to be a slave. A maid or bodyguard, maybe, but not a SLAVE.

My recommendation is that you simply delete this story and just abandon the plot bunny. Try to think of something better.

I don't know how old you are, it seems that you're rather young. Maybe underage, I don't know. But at this point, your writing has nothing to offer. I would recommend a creative writing class at your school, perhaps, if you attend one.
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From ANON - Critic on April 26, 2010
I need you to do something for me. It's really simple. You just need to admit one thing. Don't fight it, just repeat to yourself: My character is a mary sue.

To be honest, I saw absolutely no talent or ability in your story. It was as if I time travelled to the year 2002 when little girls writing fan fiction featuring Mary Sues as the main character were all the rage. Your character is the very fucking definition of one. What you may consider interesting attributes, come off as contrived and insulting to the fans of the show. The Avatar in Avatar the Last Airbender is able to master all of the elements SINCE HE WAS THE MOTHERFUCKING AVATAR. Who the hell is your character exactly to learn all these elements? Oh and let's not forget the fact that she had a twin sister that also learned all the elements as well. You're cheapening the ability to learn all four elements, since it's an absolute rarity in the first place. So rare that only one person is allowed the ability to do so. Oh and revealing that she has a scar on her face and has daddy issues like Zuko, please. The angst from your character is unbearable, unless you're trying to make her a crybaby or something. Making your character have some of the same backstory as Zuko makes her derivative and less interesting in the long run.

You see, people aren't interested in somebodies abilities. Since in real life, people don't have special or unique super powers. What makes a character interesting and unique, is how they handle their life and those powers in their life. Not that it gives you free reign to steal the special ability of the Avatar to be able to master all the elements. Since that's his thing. You need to develop your own thing. Hell, being another air bender is stupid as it is, but you can possibly get away with it, but you definitely can't be another Avatar esque character. Just because your character isn't good at something, doesn't make it a negative character trait. Like if your character was a racist, that would be a negative character trait. It's like saying me not being able to play the banjo makes me unique and I cry about it to other people since I was never as good as my banjo playin cousin from the South.

That's another thing, who the fuck is your character? I have yet to get a good grasp on who the hell she is. Is she the strong and silent type? Is she a crybaby pussy? Does she hide her pain through jokes? She's constantly shifting and makes absolutely no sense. Like if she's cracking jokes about cleaning her room, that would mean she'd be trying her best to hide the fact that she's tearing herself up internally to keep a strong facade up for people. But wait, in the last chapter, she was being a crybaby about her dad and having to put on make up to hide the scar, so she's somebody who doesn't have the strongest of constitutions when it comes to the reality of life. If she was the strong and silent type, she wouldn't even mention this crap and do her best to avoid questions and to offer vague answers. Since the story is being told in the third person omniscient we should be able to "hear" her thoughts about that or anything else. You know, something to the effect of "Wow, I don't wanna clean my room" she joked, trying to put up a brave front as the thoughts of those she loved in her old life were now... gone. We don't get diddly dick in terms of that and we're left to wonder what anybody is thinking or doing, everybody comes off as doing things because that's what the author wants them to do, not because it comes out of their own volition. Characters should be good enough that if they existed in real life, they would still be able to function.

"Father always told me that Hikari was born lucky, and that I was just lucky to be born" I find this absolutely disgusting in how much you ripoff Avatar the Last Airbender. And revealing it in the first or second chapter without having any build up to it? Come on. Unless of course your character just blabs whatever to any random passer by and honestly who would want to read about a character just constantly cries about useless junk? If you want to romance the character Zuko, come up with a valid reason as to why he'd even bother with you in the first place. Since your character is an air bender, maybe he thinks he can get an edge on the real Avatar, since Zuko probably has never even fought an airbender, let alone seen one, and as they spar with one another, maybe they enjoy their time together or get unintentionally physical with eachother. I mean you have to realise that Zuko wouldn't be interested in her unless he could get something out of it to face the avatar. As he wasn't even a good guy at the time.

In terms of her daddy issues, if your father was forcing the fact that her sister was better than her down her throat, human psychology says that your character would begin to resent your sister, no matter how good of a person Hikari is.

Also, I don't even know what the hell your character looks like. You lack descriptions in everything you do. You don't setup a mood, you just say stuff happens. Like "He drove a car, since he likes to drive cars" as if you were still in grade school. You don't go into detail about whether or not she maybe has a nose that's straight and long. Maybe she's pock marked. Maybe she has a low forehead. Maybe she has a really obvious widows peak in her hair ANYTHING. DESCRIBE SOMETHING. It's not even like the world exists, it's more like a script for a show more than anything else as characters just talk to eachother and you don't even go into detail about what they're doing or what they're wearing or what time of year it is or how cold it possibly is. Like how the characters just kinda fell out of that chunk of ice and you don't even go into detail about how they're wounded. We don't even know that your twin sister was killed by an arrow to the lung until Iroh explained. Yeah, and it's Iroh. NOT IRO. Like they could have been wounded in anyway, but a cursory glance over them could have told us what happened, but you don't explain. They could have had broken bones, several lacerations to the chest and backside, could have been bleeding from the forehead, could have been several arrows in their bodies. Who knows! Since you never went into detail about the severity of the situation. Or what about when they're taken inside the ship, is there a light source in the cabin they're placed? A warm glow from a candlelight? Sunglight in from a window? Barely a crack of light seeping in from the side of a curtain? You don't go into anything about the world they're in. How big is the ship? How long have they been at sea exactly? You need to subtley fill in the backstory for people who haven't even watched the show, by leaving a few comments here and there. Like when Iroh saw the wounded girls, was there a look of shock on his face? Why did he have a look of shock? Did he want to prevent another senseless death? You don't explain character motiviations and you leave it very vague. I know Iroh was a good guy in the show, but again, you need to fill in the gaps for people that don't know.

The thing to me that spoke to me about your lack of caring for characters and details, is how you treated the soldiers on the ship like they were robots that didn't even have personalities. Even as a collective, you didn't even explain as to why they listened to Zuko so fervently. Was Zuko a cult of personality and they hung onto every word he said, or are they used to his threats? Does he follow up on his threats and they know not to incur his wrath? Were they well trained and in peak physical condition? Or were they gaunt and tired from being at the sea without fresh foods? Do they dock regularly? Do these trips last monthes? How is morale? Are they mercenaries, conscripts or villagers or some of Ozai's best soldiers?

I'll get back to you if I have anything else to mention but get back to me if you actually bothered to listen to my critique, as you need to start from ground zero on your story, but if you really want some improvement. Read books. GOOD BOOKS. Not shitty fan fictions by Spleef Mistress or garbage like Twilight. Read work above your level, but don't rip them off, just learn through osmosis, as it'll give you insight on how talented authors paint a scene. Read William S. Burroughs, read Harlan Ellison, read Stephen King, read Ray Bradbury.
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From ANON - Critic on April 10, 2010
If you honestly, truly want help, send me an e-mail. I have to collect my thoughts about your story and what could be done.

Elliestranger@gmail.com if you couldn't see it.
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From Scorpinac on April 09, 2010
Well, it has been interesting so far, and I wouldn't say no to more chapters, but in the end isn't it really up to you to decide whether or not you want to share your stories in the first place, feedback notwithstanding? That said, looking forward to next chapter and the eventual beginning of the canon series proper. Until then. Laters.
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From Scorpinac on March 23, 2010
Okay, that explains a few things, though Zuko hasn't really said "Yes" or "No" to her original question yet. I must say their relationship is starting off interestingly, and it'll be interesting to see where it goes. As to a better title for the fic in general, sorry, can't think of anything at the moment, maybe once it's further along... Well, until chapter 5, then, I guess. Laters.
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From Scorpinac on March 22, 2010
And it seems she's blind, too, and "sees" the way Toph does. Interesting. I look forward to Zuko's response. Until chapter 4, then. Laters.
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From Scorpinac on March 21, 2010
Not a bad start, though you might want to try and write slightly longer chapters. Just a suggestion. Also, a better title wouldn't hurt, either. Hard pressed to think of one, myself, but... Well, until chapter 3, then. Laters.
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